New and needing help with a loved one.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 1
New and needing help with a loved one.
I apologize in advance if this is in the wrong section. I'm new to this site and forums in general.
My bf is a "former" alcoholic, this is according to him. He used to attend AA and has been through the 12-steps and feels that he is "recovered". He is still drinking. It's not horrible like it was back then but he drinks every Saturday during football season because the games are stressful. He has a stressful job, as do I, and sometimes feels the need to come home and get drunk which I never do. I don't like it when he drinks because he gets verbally abusive when he drinks whiskey. He doesn't tend to get mean when he just drinks beer though. However, he has been physically abusive once before when sober so it worries me to no end if there is not another person with us when he is drinking at all.
I got to reading about alcoholism the other day and noted that alcoholics will get angry if they aren't allowed to drink. I asked that question...would you be mad if you couldn't drink? He danced around the answer several times but finally after having asked the question another 4 times he responded, yes, I would be upset. He then says if you have a problem with my drinking (which I have since we got together a year ago and he knows this because we have had arguments and multiple conversations about it) we can sit down and talk about and figure things out. "Figure things out" means move out of our house not have a discussion or compromise on anything. When I mentioned that he was choosing alcohol over me and that I know where I stand with him he said that by me asking him to quit drinking he knows where he stands with me...?????
I want to help him. I want to help myself. I just don't know what to do. I want to ask him to go to AA again but I'm afraid it will cause an argument or worse.
Am I asking too much since his drinking isn't interfering with normal life like work? Or am I okay in what I am asking?
I mentioned that I was reading about alcoholism and that I was worried for him and he said that he didn't think I had anything to worry about.
I've never dealt with a situation like this before and don't know a lot about alcoholism so I don't know how to approach it or if I'm in the right at all.
If any of you could provide any enlightenment on this topic I would greatly appreciate it.
My bf is a "former" alcoholic, this is according to him. He used to attend AA and has been through the 12-steps and feels that he is "recovered". He is still drinking. It's not horrible like it was back then but he drinks every Saturday during football season because the games are stressful. He has a stressful job, as do I, and sometimes feels the need to come home and get drunk which I never do. I don't like it when he drinks because he gets verbally abusive when he drinks whiskey. He doesn't tend to get mean when he just drinks beer though. However, he has been physically abusive once before when sober so it worries me to no end if there is not another person with us when he is drinking at all.
I got to reading about alcoholism the other day and noted that alcoholics will get angry if they aren't allowed to drink. I asked that question...would you be mad if you couldn't drink? He danced around the answer several times but finally after having asked the question another 4 times he responded, yes, I would be upset. He then says if you have a problem with my drinking (which I have since we got together a year ago and he knows this because we have had arguments and multiple conversations about it) we can sit down and talk about and figure things out. "Figure things out" means move out of our house not have a discussion or compromise on anything. When I mentioned that he was choosing alcohol over me and that I know where I stand with him he said that by me asking him to quit drinking he knows where he stands with me...?????
I want to help him. I want to help myself. I just don't know what to do. I want to ask him to go to AA again but I'm afraid it will cause an argument or worse.
Am I asking too much since his drinking isn't interfering with normal life like work? Or am I okay in what I am asking?
I mentioned that I was reading about alcoholism and that I was worried for him and he said that he didn't think I had anything to worry about.
I've never dealt with a situation like this before and don't know a lot about alcoholism so I don't know how to approach it or if I'm in the right at all.
If any of you could provide any enlightenment on this topic I would greatly appreciate it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Welcome, Renee. I am sorry for what brings you here.
If I were in your shoes, I would stop asking him to quit. I would stop asking him to cut back. I would stop asking him to go to AA. You are pinning your hopes for your own happiness and future on what he decides to do, and everything he is doing and saying indicates he is not prepared to stop drinking or seek recovery. It doesn't matter how he characterizes himself with respect to alcohol. YOU have a problem with it, so that is what matters for YOU. I do not think you are wrong to want the things you want, but the first thing that the partner of an addict needs to understand is that NOTHING we do or say will make someone get sober. You cannot help him, apart from taking care of yourself and leaving him to experience the consequences of his own behavior.
If I am understanding your post, you have been together for a year, and seem to have moved in together quickly. He is verbally abusive to you, and has been physically abusive once. If it were me, I would get out. Right now. What lies ahead is more pain, more anguish, and more frustration. Alcoholism is progressive. He, and his behavior, will get worse with time. Find an Al Anon meeting near you. Find a therapist. Turn your focus on yourself, and what YOU can do to be happier and healthier.
If I were in your shoes, I would stop asking him to quit. I would stop asking him to cut back. I would stop asking him to go to AA. You are pinning your hopes for your own happiness and future on what he decides to do, and everything he is doing and saying indicates he is not prepared to stop drinking or seek recovery. It doesn't matter how he characterizes himself with respect to alcohol. YOU have a problem with it, so that is what matters for YOU. I do not think you are wrong to want the things you want, but the first thing that the partner of an addict needs to understand is that NOTHING we do or say will make someone get sober. You cannot help him, apart from taking care of yourself and leaving him to experience the consequences of his own behavior.
If I am understanding your post, you have been together for a year, and seem to have moved in together quickly. He is verbally abusive to you, and has been physically abusive once. If it were me, I would get out. Right now. What lies ahead is more pain, more anguish, and more frustration. Alcoholism is progressive. He, and his behavior, will get worse with time. Find an Al Anon meeting near you. Find a therapist. Turn your focus on yourself, and what YOU can do to be happier and healthier.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Renee--glad you found us here at SR. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope here, and I think you can learn a lot.
You said you don't know much about alcoholism but have been reading up on it. Good for you! That's a great beginning. Here are a couple of threads you might want to check out here for starters:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...newcomers.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Definitely spend as much time as you can reading around the forums and checking out the stickies. Looking into Alanon wouldn't be a bad idea either (and just to clarify, b/c newbies sometimes misunderstand, AA is for the alcoholic, while Alanon is a separate entity and is for anyone whose life has been affected by an alcoholic).
But you know, the thing that worries me more than anything else is the fact that you say he's been physically abusive to you once before when sober, and now you're afraid to be around him alone when he drinks. I've seen it said many times here that being abusive and being an alcoholic are 2 entirely separate issues. EVEN IF he would decide to get sober tomorrow (which seems really unlikely, given what you've told us so far), he would still be an abuser.
You've only got a year into this relationship, and it doesn't sound like you have children w/him, thank heavens. Who owns the house? If it's you, please think seriously about getting him out of there. If it's him, consider moving out yourself soon.
We have members here who are very knowledgeable about abuse, and I'm sure they'll have some words of wisdom for you. I guess what I'd ask you is what are you getting out of this relationship? You're afraid of him at least part of the time and you don't like his drinking behavior. What keeps you there?
Again, glad you found us here. I hope you keep coming back to read and post. Wishing you strength and clarity.
You said you don't know much about alcoholism but have been reading up on it. Good for you! That's a great beginning. Here are a couple of threads you might want to check out here for starters:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...newcomers.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Definitely spend as much time as you can reading around the forums and checking out the stickies. Looking into Alanon wouldn't be a bad idea either (and just to clarify, b/c newbies sometimes misunderstand, AA is for the alcoholic, while Alanon is a separate entity and is for anyone whose life has been affected by an alcoholic).
But you know, the thing that worries me more than anything else is the fact that you say he's been physically abusive to you once before when sober, and now you're afraid to be around him alone when he drinks. I've seen it said many times here that being abusive and being an alcoholic are 2 entirely separate issues. EVEN IF he would decide to get sober tomorrow (which seems really unlikely, given what you've told us so far), he would still be an abuser.
You've only got a year into this relationship, and it doesn't sound like you have children w/him, thank heavens. Who owns the house? If it's you, please think seriously about getting him out of there. If it's him, consider moving out yourself soon.
We have members here who are very knowledgeable about abuse, and I'm sure they'll have some words of wisdom for you. I guess what I'd ask you is what are you getting out of this relationship? You're afraid of him at least part of the time and you don't like his drinking behavior. What keeps you there?
Again, glad you found us here. I hope you keep coming back to read and post. Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Lincolnshire, UK
Posts: 440
Hi Renee
I am an alcoholic. I struggle with urges every day. Sometimes I win, sometimes 'it' wins.
But saying he is a 'former' alcoholic your BF is in denial. From what you have said about him he is denying the facts.
BUT my biggest worry is that you say he has been violent even when sober. Woooohhhhh, pull back there. If he was sober he wouldn't behave like that to others - so why is it ok to behave like that towards those he 'respects'.
'Classic' alcoholic behaviour is 'dancing around' when challenged about their drinking.
Your BF is, and always be an alcoholic. Some are active recoverers, some are active deniers. Your BF is in the 2nd camp.
You sound a lovely person. The sort of person who would sacrifice your happiness for someone else. Please don't.
We (alcoholics) NEED to see what we are losing. Some of us will 'rise to the challenge but others won't ..... and why should you suffer for them.
But rewinding, you say he was violent hen sober. That is NEVER acceptable!!
Sweetie, please think on what I'm saying xx
I am an alcoholic. I struggle with urges every day. Sometimes I win, sometimes 'it' wins.
But saying he is a 'former' alcoholic your BF is in denial. From what you have said about him he is denying the facts.
BUT my biggest worry is that you say he has been violent even when sober. Woooohhhhh, pull back there. If he was sober he wouldn't behave like that to others - so why is it ok to behave like that towards those he 'respects'.
'Classic' alcoholic behaviour is 'dancing around' when challenged about their drinking.
Your BF is, and always be an alcoholic. Some are active recoverers, some are active deniers. Your BF is in the 2nd camp.
You sound a lovely person. The sort of person who would sacrifice your happiness for someone else. Please don't.
We (alcoholics) NEED to see what we are losing. Some of us will 'rise to the challenge but others won't ..... and why should you suffer for them.
But rewinding, you say he was violent hen sober. That is NEVER acceptable!!
Sweetie, please think on what I'm saying xx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
Welcome to SR Renee,
You've come to a place of understanding, support, and lots of wonderful knowledge and advice.
I'm really glad you have already began the step of educating yourself on Alcoholism. If you're like me, you can never find enough to read on the topic.
It sounds like you are in a very similar situation as I was two years ago. It's a scary situation. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I noticed my fiancé's drinking was more than often but didn't say much about it. When he would drink he'd usually give an excuse (without me even saying anything) like "work was stressful," "it helps me sleep," or "I just need to blow off some steam." My fiance used to even say "I wish you'd give me sh*t about my drinking," in the beginning. Why would I? It didn't affect me. He was a pleasant drunk around me... until he wasn't. And from there, I eventually did speak up. It seemed as I spoke, it only got worse. As I tried to persuade him without speaking, even worse. I tried everything to stop him, slow him down, and control him. Nothing worked.
Two years later, I have a daughter with him. I spent 41 weeks in pain, and alone. I wouldn't take back my daughter for anything. But I can tell you, I hold a lot of resentment in my heart for making me suffer alone while pregnant with my first child.
Only three weeks ago he quit drinking. That is only the starting line. I don't know if he's going to come home from work today, or cave and head to the bar. But I also can't spend my life dwelling on that every day. All I can control is myself.
The moment you say something about it, you're the enemy. When you tell them not to drink or cut back, or just stay away from the whisky or vodka, it's like talking to a rebellious teenager or child. They'll do it, and now they'll do it with spite. They'll choose to argue with you while doing it.
No amount of your tears, gentle approach, telling him that you love him and just want to help him will help. And when your firm, or threaten to leave- it won't help either. He will match you. Your pity, empathy, sympathy, reasoning, bargaining will not help him.
Alcoholism is a very ugly disease. It prefers death, but will settle for misery.
Unfortunately, we the spouse/family/friend suffer with side effects. Beating it becomes our focus. We can't stop it, manipulate it, or charm it.
If he's become physical with you when sober, I urge you to get out. You don't want to find out how much worse it can get- especially while drunk.
You may think "he's different" or "I'm different." "I can help him, we can beat this."
Only he can. If he's already gone through AA, he's obviously relapsed. It will almost certainly get much worse before it can get better.
Many members highly recommend Al Anon. If you can get to a meeting, it could be very rewarding to you.
If you're scared, that's your gut telling you that something isn't right. Listen to your gut.
Keep coming back. ♡
You've come to a place of understanding, support, and lots of wonderful knowledge and advice.
I'm really glad you have already began the step of educating yourself on Alcoholism. If you're like me, you can never find enough to read on the topic.
It sounds like you are in a very similar situation as I was two years ago. It's a scary situation. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I noticed my fiancé's drinking was more than often but didn't say much about it. When he would drink he'd usually give an excuse (without me even saying anything) like "work was stressful," "it helps me sleep," or "I just need to blow off some steam." My fiance used to even say "I wish you'd give me sh*t about my drinking," in the beginning. Why would I? It didn't affect me. He was a pleasant drunk around me... until he wasn't. And from there, I eventually did speak up. It seemed as I spoke, it only got worse. As I tried to persuade him without speaking, even worse. I tried everything to stop him, slow him down, and control him. Nothing worked.
Two years later, I have a daughter with him. I spent 41 weeks in pain, and alone. I wouldn't take back my daughter for anything. But I can tell you, I hold a lot of resentment in my heart for making me suffer alone while pregnant with my first child.
Only three weeks ago he quit drinking. That is only the starting line. I don't know if he's going to come home from work today, or cave and head to the bar. But I also can't spend my life dwelling on that every day. All I can control is myself.
The moment you say something about it, you're the enemy. When you tell them not to drink or cut back, or just stay away from the whisky or vodka, it's like talking to a rebellious teenager or child. They'll do it, and now they'll do it with spite. They'll choose to argue with you while doing it.
No amount of your tears, gentle approach, telling him that you love him and just want to help him will help. And when your firm, or threaten to leave- it won't help either. He will match you. Your pity, empathy, sympathy, reasoning, bargaining will not help him.
Alcoholism is a very ugly disease. It prefers death, but will settle for misery.
Unfortunately, we the spouse/family/friend suffer with side effects. Beating it becomes our focus. We can't stop it, manipulate it, or charm it.
If he's become physical with you when sober, I urge you to get out. You don't want to find out how much worse it can get- especially while drunk.
You may think "he's different" or "I'm different." "I can help him, we can beat this."
Only he can. If he's already gone through AA, he's obviously relapsed. It will almost certainly get much worse before it can get better.
Many members highly recommend Al Anon. If you can get to a meeting, it could be very rewarding to you.
If you're scared, that's your gut telling you that something isn't right. Listen to your gut.
Keep coming back. ♡
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
abuse is NEVER acceptable. we must put the brakes on AS SOON AS the other party becomes abusive....physically and verbally. to do otherwise relays the implication in the abuser's mind that this is an OK way to treat us, that we will ALLOW it or at the very least we will stick around for another opportunity.
love doesn't fix abuse.
nor does it fix alcoholism.
your safety HAS to come first. well beyond whatever help you think he needs. don your own oxygen mask first, get to safety, then consider your options. but do not attempt to take up this charge against him in such close proximity AND with him drinking.
love doesn't fix abuse.
nor does it fix alcoholism.
your safety HAS to come first. well beyond whatever help you think he needs. don your own oxygen mask first, get to safety, then consider your options. but do not attempt to take up this charge against him in such close proximity AND with him drinking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 31
Isn't it funny how we feel like we are the bad guys. A's are so freaking manipulative, they are Gods and we are nothing but little minions. My dad was the same way. He needed my mom at every beck and call. I've grown up and become my mom. I'm at every beck and call for my ABF.
You're not wrong, no one deserves to live in an abusive relationship. WE DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. Do you have children with him? Would you consider leaving ever?
The therapist I see has asked me ?s that really got me thinking...
1. What is the breaking point for YOU?
2. What kind of time frame are YOU looking at before YOU decide, enough is enough?
3. Why are YOU so riled up, when he's not even going to remember this the next day?
You're not wrong, no one deserves to live in an abusive relationship. WE DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. Do you have children with him? Would you consider leaving ever?
The therapist I see has asked me ?s that really got me thinking...
1. What is the breaking point for YOU?
2. What kind of time frame are YOU looking at before YOU decide, enough is enough?
3. Why are YOU so riled up, when he's not even going to remember this the next day?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
There is no such thing as a “former” alcoholic. Alcoholism is a lifelong progressive disease. Recovery is a life long journey and the commitment to remain sober every day, one day at a time, no matter what must be renewed every day. He doesn’t seem to want that commitment.
He is content with his drinking and you are not. So, when he says he doesn't have a problem and you do, he's right in a way.
You’ve waited around for over a year for this man to CHANGE his drinking and he hasn’t, that speaks volumes. You’re just not ready to hear it or accept it.
He is content with his drinking and you are not. So, when he says he doesn't have a problem and you do, he's right in a way.
You’ve waited around for over a year for this man to CHANGE his drinking and he hasn’t, that speaks volumes. You’re just not ready to hear it or accept it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
You've only been together a year, and it sounds like there are no children involved.
He wants to keep drinking; you want a sober, non-abusive partner.
I think you should leave while the leaving is (relatively) easy. None of us can make anyone else change, and it sounds like he's content the way he is.
He wants to keep drinking; you want a sober, non-abusive partner.
I think you should leave while the leaving is (relatively) easy. None of us can make anyone else change, and it sounds like he's content the way he is.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Renee,
I waited 34 years for my axh (alcoholic x husband) to get his shxt together. Never happened. Don't be like me, alcohlism is progressive, it only gets worse.
Sending hugs my friend, educate yourself about addiction.
I waited 34 years for my axh (alcoholic x husband) to get his shxt together. Never happened. Don't be like me, alcohlism is progressive, it only gets worse.
Sending hugs my friend, educate yourself about addiction.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Renee
When I was with my partner, he took a lot of photos of me. In over 90% of them, I had a drink in my hand.
Alcohol was one of the biggest things we had in common. Over 14 years, I gained 100 pounds and my liver numbers started coming back messed up.
You could do what I did, and drink with him. That is one of your options.
I have been sober, and we have been separated 2-1/2 years. I quit drinking the day we split up. I have found that there is a LOT of life out there that is worth living for without alcohol.
When I was with my partner, he took a lot of photos of me. In over 90% of them, I had a drink in my hand.
Alcohol was one of the biggest things we had in common. Over 14 years, I gained 100 pounds and my liver numbers started coming back messed up.
You could do what I did, and drink with him. That is one of your options.
I have been sober, and we have been separated 2-1/2 years. I quit drinking the day we split up. I have found that there is a LOT of life out there that is worth living for without alcohol.
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