HopingForCure

He called me last night and said..I cant believe I am back to square one. I am unemployed, broke and single. I took you for granted. I can fix this. Please come back to me.

It breaks my heart to see him suffer. I wonder if he even realizes the amount of work it will take for him to really "fix" things.

Thank you for listening...

ConfusedDaily

What does your gut say? Don't listen to your heart or your head... What does your gut say?

HopingForCure

My gut says that he is not ready. He is looking for a quick fix. He does not believe in treatment or therapy. He assumes that I can be his motivation to stay sober. We were engaged to be married...I used to cry, plead, beg for him to quit drinking...but he relapsed one too many times and I could not do anything to motivate him. I am not blaming him for his condition because that's what alcoholics do. I am blaming him for not realizing that he needs to get help. I wonder if he is close to hitting his rock bottom.

ConfusedDaily

Follow your gut then, sister. We learn to forget and just deal with the problem. Take a stand and tell him no. If you feel like you can set a "date" tell him. Say something like, I will talk to you when you have been sober 45 days. But only do this if you know you can follow through with it. You don't want to make empty promises to yourself either. If your gut is telling you that he needs time, give him time... Surround yourself with loved ones. Do something for yourself (watch a movie, get your nails done...)

Maudcat

You seem very clear about things. Go with that. Good luck.

dandylion

H opingforCure.....The alcoholic voice is whispering lies to him.....and he is believing the voice.
the voice will lie to him...and he will believe the voice and lie to himself!

That he doesn not "believe in treatment or therapy" does not predict well, in my opinion.
Those who want sobriety will do anything that will help them.....

Ariesagain

Sounds like he's dialing around for a soft place to land, not for a way to recover. Putting his "recovery" all on you just means the second you do something he doesn't like, bam, instant reason to drink and it will be your fault.

I hope you stay strong.

honeypig

Try this: Tell him that if he can show you a year of really solid recovery work, then maybe you could consider trying again. See what he says. Many here have said that if we want to see just where the A is in his/her "recovery", try telling him/her no and see what happens.

The recovery needs to come first, then the "trying again." Otherwise what would be different? Nothing changes if nothing changes.

atalose

If that were true, he'd be well on his way to fixing it by now, but he's not, never was and probably won't be any time soon.

I agree with Ariesagain, he's looking for a soft place to land.

HopingForCure

honeypig, how would I know that he is staying sober or not. They are so good at hiding it. I just no longer have the strength to build up my hopes and dreams, only to see them shatter. I am going to stay strong and continue to stay away from him, no matter how much I miss him. Its better to stay away and miss him than to stay close and constantly be worried about another relapse. I don't doubt his strength, he may manage to stay sober for a year just to get me back BUT just giving up alcohol is not enough. Who knows, today its alcohol, tomorrow it may be something else. He needs to figure out whatever the heck it is that leads him to relapse and work on those issues...He needs to seek professional help.

firebolt

Its so sad. I know they have moments of clarity.....maybe even semi often....

It's just so so rare that I see them use those moments to take any action.

I was the same way. A hundred crazy boyfriends, boss's and family members later, and I finally understood the common denominator was me. Addicts, whether it's substance, love, an action, or addiction to people, we are just slow to learn about ourselves, and even slower to change.

It doesn't matter.

Even if he is, it won't do anything for you today, and it will be a long hard road for him, if he can sustain recovery.....and you'll have nothing to do with it.

In OUR recovery, a peaceful today is our gift to ourselves, along with a probable peaceful tomorrow.

Maybe one day he'll call you and make amends.... Maybe he'll be excited to tell you about his recovery, and new outlook on life. Maybe he'll tell you about how his world has changed and that he's found a HP, and that he's ridded himself of the unhealthiness in his life.....a real, bonafied picture of recovery. THAT would be a good day to reevaluate your decision if you even want to.

That day is not today, and I hope you proceed as if it's not tomorrow either.

(((HUGS)))) I know what it's like to see them dancing on what WE feel could be the tipping point for recovery....while really having no idea if it is, or if there will ever be one.

tomsteve

remember
"I cant believe I am back to square one. "

doesnt have to be WE are back to square one.
YOU are making progress.

" I am not blaming him for his condition because that's what alcoholics do. "

yes, but it is the alcoholics responsability for getting out of the condition

HopingForCure

This is what I need to remind myself of everyday!

Thank you!

Maudcat

When my alcoholic sibling was younger and still had a modicum of looks and charm, his domestic life would follow a pattern: meet woman, move in with woman, get kicked out by woman when she grew weary of his drinking and drugging and his cavalier relationship with work. He would drag down the road to my parents' house, where they would grudgingly take him in. "Well," they would say. "He has no place else to go." No boundaries, no limits, no "you will not drink and you will pay rent." He would meet someone else. Rinse, repeat. Fast forward to today. He is a miserable drunk who acts like a 14 year old. My father has passed, my mother is frail and has dementia. He thinks she is the caretaking mother he had 20 years ago, but she isn't. She can just about manage getting up and getting dressed. It is so sad. It never does to say "what if..." But I do sometimes wonder what their lives would have been like had they, just once, said "No, you cannot live here. Go away." Thanks for letting me vent.

honeypig

HFC, I asked that exact same question when I was new here. XAH was a world-class hider, really outstanding w/his attention to detail! And you know what people told me? "You'll know. You'll be able to tell. Recovery is much, much more than just not drinking."

And I was mystified, just as you are. WTF is that supposed to mean, I thought? I'll just be able to magically tell, when he's been successfully lying to me for nearly 20 years?

And someone posted this:
Ya wanna know the SECRET to whether someone is serious about recovery or not? When they stop TALKING and start DOING. When they abandon the alcoholic oath:
I'm Sorry
Please Forgive Me
It will NEVER happen AGAIN
Talk is just squawk....noise to diffuse and disturb....

We live on a lake and have ospreys and eagles that come 'round. When they are on the hunt, there is NO doubt about their intentions...they hover above, they swoop and swirl and then DIVE after their prey. It is magnificent and silent. They have a purpose and have no NEED to announce their plan. They are unconcerned with the world around them....for the eagle there are always the attendant "murder" of crows, dive bombing, harassing, relentless...they are honed in on their goal.

Recovery is the osprey, tucking its wing in close to its body, a missile now, a projectile diving in a straight line towards the water, seeing beneath the surface to the fish.

And you know what? Now, 3 years after that post was made, I get it. Once you start your own recovery, you see what it really means, and you see how unmistakable it is. You'll know it when you see it. And it will indeed be a whole lot more than words...

Lilro

Hoping please don't ake this the wrong way but.....

He is an unemployed broke alcoholic who is NOT in recovery. What does he have to offer you? We know what you have. What does he have? Huh?

Turn it around and look at it that way.

Nata1980

Yes, this - and he needs to get a job.

AnvilheadII

HFC - if he was ever sober for a full year, 365 days of unbroken sobriety, you'd be able to tell.

recovery LOOKS like recovery.
using looks like using.

and thank you HoneyPig.....i actually wrote that Osprey post.....as i watched them swoop and dive, i thought damn.....to be THAT committed, that SURE of one's purpose. nose down, wings in, eyes on the target.

Bekindalways

Love the osprey thing thanks both of you!!

Big hug to you Hoping. It is just so ding dang dad blasted hard.

53500

You know, not to make light of the guy's unhappiness and your feelings for him, but when I read this - "I'm unemployed and broke....please come back to me" (that's what jumped out at me) - I thought, man, if that's not about the worst thing to say to get someone "back to you" I don't know what is!

I'm sorry you are drawn into worrying about him again. Yes it's sad he's suffering but it is a self-inflicted wound. Why is he still unemployed? It's been months, right?

Trust your gut. You deserve much, much better than what he offers now.