Kissedbyfire

I have been doing a lot of reading on here as well as othe blogs/articles etc.

I went to bed last night mulling over everything I've learned in just the past week or so. Lots of thinking, planning and deciding how I will put my plans into action regarding my own personal growth and happiness.
I couldn't help but to think about one thing and ask myself the same question...
Is the happy ending I'm looking for possible?
Can I grow, be happy, and keep the love of my life?
He still is holding strong and staying sober.
From most of my reading, it seems impossible once alcoholism infects a marriage or family, to move forward together. Not one person from the al anon meetings I've attended stayed in their marriage whether their ex-A was sober or not.

I'm really hoping that maybe someone here can tell me, they are happy in their marriage. That both you and your spouse did what you needed to do, and made your marriage work. I just want to know, that it's possible.

Thanks everyone.

SaidNobody

I think the education that those that actually in recovery gain over the years changes them. But usually for the better, from what I can see.

There is knowledge that you come too, eventually, that changes you. Recovery is one of the paths that brings self-awareness. There are prophets, monks, and sages out there that don't really need anyone and years in recovery can bring you to that place as well.

But wanting and needing shouldn't confused. I have a sister, quite independent, one day her BF says to her, "You really don't NEED me here, do you?"

"I enjoy having you around, but I suppose that if you left, I would survive," said she.

He didn't stay much after that, being needed was just one of those things in his life that he. . . well, needed.

I think you can stay happy in recovery. But both people have to work their issues. Codependent means that both parties have unhealthy issues. And when the alcoholic starts getting well, it upsets the non-drinking spouse, which is why Al-anon was created in the first place.

I believe life can give us what we want. I think sometimes however, we get educated about what that is. Like, controlling people, even to keep them is eventually a recipe for disaster.

My personal belief is, if being with your spouse seems like a happy ending, go for it and don't like the odds scare you off.

LexieCat

I had a reasonably happy marriage for more than 10 years. I decided I didn't want to be married to my husband anymore, but he stayed sober all that time and is 36 years sober today. I know a few people who stayed in their marriages and are reasonably happy.

The overall divorce statistics, even without alcoholism in the picture, are pretty high. So it isn't like you have a guarantee of a "happy ending" even without alcoholism. FWIW, I'm still very good friends with my ex--I stay with him and his wife when I go to see my kids. He's happy, I'm happy. I'd call that a "happy ending."

SparkleKitty

KbF, look for posts from RedAtlanta and FireSprite.

A lot of times, people whose lives work out for the better stop posting, but we're lucky to have at least two regular posters who continue to share stories of recovery in their marriage.

dandylion

Kissedbyfire...I have never been in a relationship with an alcoholic...but, I can say that I have seen it both ways in some others.
For the ones that seemed to have survived the journey and still had what appeared to be a thriving marriage...it seemed that they had one he** of a l ot of recovery under their belts!!...lol....

Anna

I am a recovering alcoholic. I was married for many years before I began drinking and have been in recovery for about 16 years. For about 3 years, I put my family through a lot and I was a mess. Thankfully, I stopped drinking and began taking care of myself and my family. I changed myself from the inside out and began the process of liking/loving myself. I have a very happy marriage.

FireSprite

You know, these questions sound so simple but they are anything but...... it's why I often hesitate to post in these threads......

Yes, I'm "still here" with RAH..... but it's not like every day is made up of sparkly unicorns farting rainbows just because he got sober.

I want to be very clear that while yes, I am happy about his sobriety & eventual recovery work (which came later, after years of white knuckling that led to relapse)..... I AM happy because of me & all of the very hard work I've done in my own recovery.

We had over a decade of great times together before the very, very, very beginnings of any of this even thought about happening. He also has an underlying issue with ADHD which was never treated & made it easier for him to fall into alcoholism..... but treating his ADHD won't negate his qualifying as an Alcoholic. You can't ever turn a pickle back into a cucumber, right? We also spent 2+ years separated before he had his aha moment, identified as an alcoholic & sought help.... so we kind of went through that step backward from how most do it. In early recovery *I* was the one who wanted & needed space apart.

My most recent recovery update is here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...covery-me.html


...but when I arrived at SR I was a confused, shaky mess. I spent 8 months reading, lurking, learning before ever posting. I had a LOT to learn about addiction & codependency despite being the child of an alcoholic/drug addict.

If you go back through my posts, you'll see a dramatically different person/tone from the early days until now..... it a gradual change that came about as I grew in my recovery so if you read things in a dated order, you probably wouldn't see it so clearly. But comparing me from 5 yrs ago to me today is like apples & oranges; I've spent most of that time "unbecoming" what I wasn't meant to be in the first place.

Jaeger

My RAH husband and myself are both in recovery. It has not been easy but I can say our marriage is better now than ever. He is a little over a year sober. It could all change tomorrow but today it is good.

Kissedbyfire

Thank you everyone for your responses.
I just needed a glimmer of hope.
The rest is up to us.

It is strange to say, and I don't want to sound like I'm getting ahead of myself but I feel like every day I'm growing. Maybe not him, not necessarily our relationship... but I know I am.

Right now, my AH and I feel like friends. A week ago he felt like my room mate, two weeks ago he felt like my enemy, three weeks ago I thought of him as a disobedient child/rebellious teenager.

My recent change in attitude seems to be bringing us closer to something positive. I think he has a change in attitude as well. He is often quiet, and I can tell he has a lot going on in his head- and for the first time in a long time, I'm not analyzing him or trying to read him. There isn't any part of me that even cares what hes mulling over. That alone is a major improvement for me. I have noticed my book that I recently bought called "the recovery book" has been moving around my book case. I'm finding it very helpful, and maybe he is too.
Thanks again for the responses, the optimism, and the hope. ♡

NYswimDad

KbF, I'd love to know the answers to your questions too, but unfortunately, I think it's a deeply personal journey with a wide range of outcomes. My own Al Anon home group is a mix of divorced and still married people. One of the couples comes together and her RAH remains outside to pick her up afterwards. It seems to me to be a nice, healthy dynamic they have. I'd love to get to the point where my wife and I could be that open about our recoveries.

My best guess to answer your question is that if you focus on your recovery, the only guarantee is that you will feel better than if you didn't. What that looks like for your marriage remains to be seen, but at least your own well-being will be improved. I can tell when I've been avoiding my recovery b/c I get increasingly anxious and sad for what seems to be no reason. So I quickly find a meeting, either in person or on the phone, and it helps. My wife is still my wife but my outlook and attitude is better and that makes a world of difference.

HopingForCure

In my opinion, alcoholism is one of the diseases that keeps telling the alcoholics that they dont have it. It makes them lie and break their loved ones' trust. If you love an alcoholic and get past the whole trust issue, then you can have a happy marriage.

FireSprite

I think you really hit on the crux of the matter here. IMHO, a lot of F&F members lose sight of how it really IS all one day at a time for ALL of us. It could all change overnight and whether I remain happy to any degree or crumble to an even bigger low point will depend on the efforts I've been putting in to my own recovery.

When I accept being in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic, I also need to accept that relapse is a possibility. I just don't focus on it.

KBF - there is ALWAYS hope, IMO. I'm a romantic dreamer at heart & I'm not losing that part of myself to this disease. But, as we say, Hope is not a plan. anvil once compared it to buying a lottery ticket - yeah, I hope to win but I don't quit my job & start maxing out credit cards in the meantime.

There is also no big, singular AHA moment when you look around & say, we're here! we've arrived at "fixed"!..... for a while I didn't realize I was expecting such a thing but I was - some kind of tangible validation that told me where we were & how much farther we had to go. I've since learned that it's not like that at all - recovery doesn't end, it becomes a part of how you live your life going forward from now until forever.

You are in such early stages of all of this & there is no telling how many twists & turns your path(s) will take. Just the changes his body is trying to go through physiologically alone can be overwhelming. In early recovery, it was often like RAH & I were speaking 2 different languages - we just couldn't connect even when we wee saying the same thing. I started to realize that while we were affected by the same thing, our solutions were very different.

Hang in there, you're handling all of this great!

Kissedbyfire

That is so true. Since he's kicked the drinking we've been in two different places and very much speaking two different languages. He's focused on one thing while I'm totally fixated on another. I don't even know what he's focusing on but over the past few days- I've learned that I'm not focused on that, so I'm not even going to attempt to wrap my brain around it. His focus isn't my focus. We need to be focusing on two different things because though our problems come down to the same thing... its how we got there, or how we get away from there that matters.
I love him- so very deeply. I can see he has an illness. He didn't choose to have the illess but he can choose to stop it and fight it. I have no choice and no control but can control myself, my contributions and my attitude. Therefore, I can live with him in a very cordial manner and be respectful. That makes co-existing very easy. I focus on my recovery and choose to respect his.
I don't need to know the why, who, what, where he's going, thinking, planning...
Right now I just want to fixate on my plans, and live in peace. From his attitude I think he feels the same and that brings us to peace.
I think that in itself - we have started speaking the same language, it just doesn't have to be spoke.

My SR friends... you brought me here. Day by day I'm finding peace within myself, my home, my marriage. My gratitude can't be conveyed over my posts or threads. I feel it to my core and am sending each and every one of you my love and hugs. ♡

pndm07

This is so true. And trust, very often, is repeatedly broken.

I thought I could trust my AH again, after what seemed like a decent time sober (about 3 years, not sure exactly). But the monster was still looming, then the cycle started again; relapse, followed by sobriety, relapse again, followed by sobriety, and relapse again (he's sober again, but I no longer can rely on him in any kind of serious way). Maybe if he had kept sober all that time, I would still trust him, but I am afraid that I will always live with the fear of relapse looming over my head, even though I'm divorcing him. I think true, healthy "letting go" is letting go of that type of fear and the inevitable feeling of being kicked in the gut when it happens.

I still love him, but I don't trust him. Maybe if he gets 30 years under his belt I will again, but I don't really want to put my life on hold for that.

Kissedbyfire

Yes, that trust that feels like it's totally taKen for granted by the A. All the broken promises... the lies, the excuses, the stories. My RAH dI'd all of that to hide his drinking.
This is the first time he QUIT drinking. I'm hopeful... but my life won't rely on it.
I told him I have faith in him to make the best choices, but ultimately it's up to him.
I can trust him to be faithful, to be there for his daughter, to pay the bills... but he needs to earn back the trust in the many other areas he's broken it in.