Flavia2

I usually post on the friends and family page. My husband is an alcoholic and so is my mom.

I couldn't find a great fit for an ALANON group but then I found an ACOA group that is really helping!

Tonight I am really struggling. My mom was very abusive toward me as I was growing up and favors her "real" kids (I am adopted ). I think she is NPD as well as an alcohol.

So my mom has openly wished for my brother to be more successful and when he was promoted called to gloat. I can't even tell you how much this hurt me - just to hear her trying to rub it in and saying, "you must be so jealous, he's a higher level than your husband" (Long story short, they're at the same company). She didn't have her facts straight and didn't know it wasn't true - but that's beside the point.

Anyway, I have so much practice not reacting to her, I just kept my voice very even and said I was happy for my brother.

But, now! My husband has been fired because of his drinking! I am so scared and sad AND now will have to put up with her gloating.

It feels too much to bear. Thanks for listening to my vent.

caretaker88

Hi Flavia! Welcome to this corner of SR! Have you thought about going no-contact with her? She is obviously very toxic for you and you already have enough on your plate.

I went no contact with my brother and am low-contact with the rest of my family. They were so damaging to me, and it sounds so much like what you are going through.

Sandraxia

I am sorry to hear that, Flavia. It's very hurtful when parents don't have your best interest at heart, even more so when they intentionally want to hurt you. That **** hurts and scares coming from strangers, and so much more so coming from the people who are supposed to love you and take care of you.

But there's hope. Your post makes it seem like you are an adult. In most countries, that means that you have absolute control over your own life. Unless you live in non-democratic countries, you don't have to listen to or deal with anyone, including family of origin or your husband. You are your own person and can make choices that eliminate the toxic and hurtful aspects of your life. It's going to be tough and it's going to hurt - but it will make you stronger if you stick to your guns. I'll try to ask a few questions about your situation to show you where you have degrees of freedom that you can use to improve your situation.

And oh, your mother is wrong. You know that and you can easily see that. She won't admit it anytime soon, though. So if you're wasting energy hoping and praying for THAT - you may as well stop wasting energy.

Your husband has been fired because of his drinking. Meaning he is an alcoholic, his drinking is out of control and he has to face serious bad consequences because of him. How exactly does that affect you? Do you still have your own job? Are there kids? Is a divorce feasible? Is he showing regret and a will to become sober and get back in the field - or is he taking it out on you, yelling and drinking more and blaming everyone else but himself?

Here's what you can do:
- not listen to him if he laments his fate instead of taking action
- not talk to him if he drinks, or if he abuses you (you may be so used to abuse that you don't notice at first)
- protect potential kids from this behaviour
- leave
- get your own successful career so you don't have to depend on your husband as if he were the only adult in your relationship
- this is going to sound radical to you - you could decide NOT to answer the phone when mommy rings to get off on abusing you
- you do NOT have to listen to your mother gloat
- you could politely say 'This is not a topic I want to discuss right not' - and if she ignores that you could as politely say 'If you have nothing else to talk about, I am going to hang up now, talk to you soon, bye." And then you hang up. Just like that.
- Go see a therapist, good friend, counsellor or anything of the kind.

Make happy choices!
All the best

ajarlson

Hello. I also had an alcoholic mom, and an alcoholic husband. Not sure where you are with yours, but it sounds like you could benefit with setting some boundaries as Sandraxia set out. I will triple down on the "see a therapist" suggestion.
Here's what happens when we are raised by alcoholics. We do not see the world the same as other people. I have finally learned to accept that my perceptions have been warped by this, I am the pleaser, the helper, the gracious one, the nice one, the sweet one. Everyone comes out of it differently but we all come out of it seeing things a little differently than an emotionally healthy person and a therapist will help you sort it out. For me, I have learned that it's ok to counsel with close friends and family when it comes to my reactions to different problems in my life. And I am learning to have the appropriate responses and to not feel guilty about them as time goes on, but it's work and the therapist is like a life line in a sometimes confusing world.
Take care of yourself, don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself. Place boundaries around you and don't give in. When people talk about going No Contact it is usually because the alcoholic will not respect those boundaries, and to stay emotionally sane and healthy they have to take that step.
This isn't easy, but this is a safe place to post. Good luck to you.

Flavia2

Thanks everyone. I know in my heart that she is wrong and i try to share as little as possible about my life with her. It places distance between us.

Sandraxia - yes, I have a job. I've been there less than a year, so trying to get something started. Also, we are separated and we have kids but they are with me.
I have seen a lawyer, haven't filed yet.

MikeH

I don't have much to add, except that I agree with what everyone has posted. Especially this:

Flavia2

To figure out how to act/react/behave in certain situations I watch other people.

Sometimes I don't know how something makes me feel, I just feel nothing. Other times my feelings come on like a tsunami!

I don't think I've found the right therapist. I'm struggling with the end of my marriage

Sandraxia

As little as possible would be zero. Just saying. Nobody can force you to share anything with her.

That sounds like a good situation to start! You have a job, so it needn't drag you down if your soon to be ex loses his job to his alcoholism.
And you are already separated and the kids are safely with you! Of course it's hard, but it's going to get easier as you get used to it. You can enjoy your kids without the constant fear of their own family damaging them.

MikeH

I do the same. Sometimes, in watching other people, I realize that they have more issues than I have! :-)
Same here. I was demeaned and threatened with punishment if I talked about my feelings, so I learned to not even express them to myself. But, eventually, I would explode, because I could only suppress feelings for so long.
I think there have been other threads on this... not an easy answer. My sister is a Marriage & Family Therapist, and she went through a lot of what I went through, and she referred me to someone who has been excellent. But, I've been seeing him, on & off, for 10 years. I only saw him, the 1st time, for a year, but bringing up all my childhood "stuff" was too intense, and I stopped for 2 years. You are in a marriage with kids, so I'd guess that there's a lot more "stuff" to deal with.

Flavia2

I've been feeling, because my job pays a lot less than his, that I won't be okay on my own.

Ready or not, here I go.

caretaker88

I thought the same thing when I left my X about 5 years ago. I thought there was no way I would be able to afford things on my own... Here is the thing... It was all just FEAR. Once I took the plunge, I realized that you make do with what you have. You may need to cut back on some things, but it is so worth the peace that you gain!

Also, I realized that because things were in such chaos in my home, I didn't have the time or energy to focus on things like a budget. I lived paycheck to paycheck and there was always more month left than money. When I left with the kids, I started to closely budget my money, and do you know what? Now I always have enough money to pay my bills, save a small amount, and plan a cheap "adventure" for me and the kids pretty often. Actually, way more often now than when I was with my X! My X doesn't really contribute anything financially for the kids, and I am still able to swing it! That is a kind of peace and serenity that I have never known until I left!

Lots of hugs to you!! You can do this!