daisy616

I grew up with an addict father and I've been able to recover myself from a lot of the effects this has on one growing up in that situation, however, I'm in a new relationship now and I've having a hard time knowing what's normal in the context of drinking. My partner does drink and to me it seems like he has a strong attachment to it. He used to drink a glass of wine every night and then we'd go out on weekends so at least 10-17 drinks a week. I talked to him about it and he's now cut back to only having a glass of wine once a week, which is what we agreed to, but it still bothers me. I can see that he "needs" it sometimes and when I see this attachment I immediately think that he will always choose this attachment over me. It makes me trust him less. Does anyone else have the same struggles? And if so, how do you deal and how do you figure out what's "normal"?

Maudcat

When we grow up with addiction in the family,, we tend to see everything and everybody through that lens. At least, as an adult child of an alcoholic, I know I do. "Normal" is what helps you to be comfortable in your own skin. Which may mean seeking out potential partners who don't drink. Only you can know what feels normal, and only you can decide what is tolerable for you. Good luck.

Eauchiche

I remember reading (maybe in the AA Big Book) about a lady who got into the program who only drank 1 glass of wine a day. She HAD to have it.

Although large alcohol consumption is a symptom of alcoholism, the amount doesn't tell the whole story.

Leaflet

I'm the same way. We learn what we grow up with so it's hard to see what's normal. You can always give the relationship time and see if the drinking escalates again. If it does, then you'll have your answer.

ajarlson

So, my 2 cents FWIW
I would say first and foremost, your comfort level is yours. If it makes you uncomfortable then that's ok, those are your feelings. If you think logically that maybe you're being unreasonable or you don't really know, then I would suggest seeing a therapist that can help you see what "normal" is. It doesn't mean that emotionally you would be more comfortable with it, but at least you will have a deeper understanding of why you feel the way you do.
Second, one thing we learn as we start navigating life with alcoholism in it, is that we can't (and shouldn't) try to manage anyone. Your feelings are your feelings, they may be right (he may drink too much or be dependent on it) or they may not (you may have an illogical, if justified, reaction to anyone close to you drinking), but either way, trying to manage his drinking is going to cause resentment and will never work out well.
The only person you can control is you. So start there and see what happens... good luck to you both!!

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Daisy!!

Have you ever gone to any support groups for your father's addiction? For me I was and still am not even sure what's normal when it comes to alcohol, relationships, parenthood, the list goes on, my father was an alcoholic and from an early age my "normal" was recalibrated in accordance with the influence of alcohol and I've been working to shift the focus ever since, it's slow progress.

But groups like Al-anon and hanging out here on SR have taught me a lot, being exposed to others in the same situation has helped!!

ajarlson

Ditto on the Alanon or support group. I started there years and years ago and it really helped free me from feeling responsible for my XAH drinking. From there it expanded to learning about myself as an ACoA and beginning to understand that my reactions are not always "normal" but they are mine. The journey is sometimes difficult but it is most rewarding. This is a good place to start.