kgr103110

I guess I always assumed denial was a big hurdle in recovering from addiction -- I just figured that meant the addict would have issues with denial.

I'm not ready to share specifics of my own situation because they're just too embarrassing... But it seems only I think I have a real problem. My husband hates that I'm considering AA as an option; he tells me I'm making a big deal out of things. "If you think you drink too much, stop drinking!" He tells me that a lot.

Other family members (parents and siblings) recognize I'm a bad drunk, but stop short of supporting my decision to get help. It's hard to explain it. It's like I need to fix it, but privately without ever talking about it.

Confusing.

Just wanted to reflect on this out loud and see if anyone else has been in a similar boat.

ScottFromWI

This is very common, almost universal as a matter of fact...so don't feel alone by any stretch. It's hard enough for US to accept/understand our addiction, much less someone else - even a loved one or a spouse. Addiction is simply not logical...so trying to explain it to others is nearly impossible.

What is important is that you realize the problem and take the necessary steps to deal with it. Coming here to a recovery community and/or AA as you plan to do allows you to be around people who DO understand.

Long term those around you will hopefully see/accept that what you are doing is important to you and the best for everyone around you.

doggonecarl

Alcoholics don't have sole possessive rights to shame. Family members can also be ashamed to admit that their loved one is an alcoholic, that the solution isn't as simple as "don't drink so much." AA might be the final admittance that there is a problem, one they aren't ready to accept.

Perhaps your husband can explain why he hates the idea of you attending AA. At least it would open up some dialogue.

LadyBlue0527

kgr, first, welcome! You'll find a lot of support here. I know it makes it hard when others don't think there's a problem but the only person who really matters in this decision is you.

Like Scott said, this is common. It can sometimes make family members uncomfortable. I've done many embarrassing things and still heard"Jeese, I've never seen you out of control, you seem fine to me".

Some of the worse words someone with a problem can hear because it feeds the monster that we call the AV (addictive voice) and we question if we do.

Hang around and read, post, we are all in this boat together. You'll see that you're not alone.

Again, what's important is that you're here and this board has a tremendous amount of support to help you.

fgo

Hi kg
Only you know what is the right solution for you.
I have a very supportive family, they even had sort of an intervention with me awhile back. Yesterday my brother asked why I can't even have one drink. For me it's the first one that sends me back to the fight. He doesn't understand, he doesn't need to I do. Welcome to sr, it's a great place.

FearlessChase

I can completely relate to your post. I think it's impossible for people who aren't alcoholics to understand how much of a drastic life change recovery has to be...it's almost like "you're a deviant, so just be normal, no need to be all dramatic about it!" Also, it's not considered a real illness by most, who equate it to wanting to drink vs. feeling like you have to.

We're all here for you. It can be really tough.

hpdw

Hi , I am with you on this and agree with the responses . It's taken my family a while to come to terms with my drinking problem . doggonecarl talks of shame , I'd add fear as well .

Soberwolf

This

Forward12

It is very common, unfortunately at least from my own observations, it usually ends up with people looking unfavorably at you, unwilling to help, or perhaps try, but have no idea how to relate as simply if you're not a drunk yourself, you never can truly understand what's going on.
That's why AA and other outlets often say to the extent "only a drunk can help a drunk" which is very true.

kgr103110

I asked my husband why he keeps telling me I don't have a problem. It turned into an argument that ended with this statement: "Well, I can't be married to an alcoholic, so figure it out."

This is getting a little too real, but I'm sort of past the point of no return.

Why do things unravel so quickly?

Darwinia

Oh yes. Family thinks no need for embarassing stuff. Just drink less. Easy as that.

cwood3

kgr, as long as you are tuned in to what you need to do, and are committed to it, don't spend too much time seeking the full acceptance of what others have to think or say. I don't mean that we should ignore our family, friends and loved ones, but it's our problem and we have to fix it.

SoberLife90

Your husband sounds like a real dick. I just wanted to say that if you decide to become a member of Alcoholics Anonymous they will welcome you with open arms. Glad your here.

Bird615

Ouch.

Maybe if one day, he were to attend an open speaker meeting of AA, he might have his eyes opened.

I've also had people tell me I wasn't that bad, but then they didn't have to live in my skin and feel what I felt on those hangover mornings. I know better and never mind them, just do what I have to do.

Berrybean

Yep. But I knew that there was plenty of stuff that they didn't know (and aren't going to know) about the consequences of my drinking. They also weren't the ones making the decision.

My life. My sobriety.

People don't like change. And normies don't 'get' alcoholism. It's not their fault. To be honest, we barely understand it ourselves. Most of my family just know I don't drink any more. My partner knows I go to AA because otherwise I'd have to sneak around to go there, which isn't possible or desireable. So, he continues to drink. When he's sober he's happy I stopped drinking. When he's drunk, he isn't.

But my sobriety isn't their business. I do this for me. Because I want to like myself, and when I was drinking I didn't.

alyssa11

Also currently dealing with a husband that doesn't get it. he's stubborn and claims he does, but NO ONE that's actually in that situation can possibly understand. All they should offer is support, and if you're like me and can't get it from him... this forum is quite a motivational booster. Congrats for making a positive step forward with your life, don't let these clowns tell you otherwise

bexxed

I relate to your initial post, and this here is so awful. I'm so sorry.

Why can't he be married to an alcoholic? If you're an alcoholic, then it sounds like he already was married to one so maybe it's he who should "figure it out".

You get to figure you out. You and only you. He gets to figure him out.

If he wants to be married to someone who drinks, and that's a major priority for him, sounds like he's got his figuring coming to him.

Keep your head up. I'm so sorry for this.

xoxo

B

bexxed

Also I want to add that I don't talk about recovery with my family either. Mostly because I don't talk about much of anything important until after its happened. It's my recovery, not theirs. If they like me being healthy and being more responsible, responsive, and coherent, then they will appreciate the methods if and when they ask. If they don't like that, and focus on why am I not drinking, why am I not partying, then I guess I was just a drinking buddy and as we all know, drinking buddies are very replaceable.

Harsh but not my business. My business is me.

My partner likes to drink one or two and occasionally three beers. I'd drink with her, and add more in the mix: sneaked or not. I'd stay up drinking after she went to bed. She never said anything specifically but I know she didn't like it. She still drinks her one or two beers, and I drink something else. Nothing has changed for her except in the way that my behavior affected her. She's a normal drinker.

She leaves me alone about it and I leave her alone. I know she doesn't think I'm an alcoholic, not consciously anyway.

Optimini

My husband has repeatedly told me not to join any groups or do anything that will be a part of my health records. A couple weeks ago before I quit he screamed in my face to never drink again, two days later he brought home bottles of wine. He is still drinking and I've not disclosed that I have joined this place or that a friend is helping me as well. In a way that is good because my sobriety is 100 percent on me, and not whether or not he is drinking, or his opinions on my drinking. Mixed messages indeed.

PrinzessinD

I've had two exes say the same thing to me. " I can't be with an alcoholic" talk about kicking somebody when they are down. Nobody will ever say that to me ever again because I don't drink anymore and if I meet somebody in the future they won't have to know the extent of it