Juelz

Hi everyone. As you can see from the title, I am new to recovery and need it now more than before.

I was sober following a treatment program for about two months earlier this year. I relapsed in May and have been drinking ever since. When in my treatment program, the "old timers" that were in our group told me that every time you relapse, it gets worse.

That's something I definitely learned the hard way.

I have recently been diagnosed with a Borderline Personality. This explains a lot about why I use alcohol to combat not having an emotional skin. The problem here, is that when I drink, I become a monster. Before, it didn't happen around my family, just around my boyfriend.

The first time I quit was because I was tired of being a monster.

Fast forward and now the drinking has progressed to a point that I'm on the outs with my family after a long weekend at our cottage. I either called every single one of them (10 people) out of name or started an argument with them. I even called my sister in law "********".

Fast forward four days, I come home drunk from the bar and I asked my boyfriend to let me call my phone because I couldn't find it. I guess in my drunken mind I thought he was taking a long time handing me the phone and I felt like he was deleting things out of it before handing it to me. I flipped.

Guys, I punched him.

I punched my boyfriend in the ******* face.

He kicked me out (rightfully so, I should actually be in jail right now.)

The drinking is completely out of hand. I'm hitting people now? I'm THAT person? The abusive alcoholic??

I used to be such a sweet and good person, and something is just really ****** up inside of me. Obviously, I'm getting therapy.

He wants to work it out, but I feel like we shouldn't. I put my ******* hands on him. I know I'm not the same person drunk, but that's never an excuse. Never.

I literally hate myself so much right now, and alcohol used to make that better, and now it just makes it so so much worse.

Everyone hates me, which is what I was trying to avoid in the first place. I started drinking because I was more likeable, social, and less anxious. And now I'm an abusive monster.

Please tell me how I can stop this. I just want to go back to who I was before all of this ever happened.

doggonecarl

Welcome. Coming here is a great first step. I would say first thing, drop the self loathing and use that energy you are wasting hating yourself and put it into recovery.

Are you committed to never drinking again? Ever? And do you have a plan to see that decision through? That's where I'd start. Deciding how you are going to support that decision to quit drinking when your addiction tells you, one more time.

Juelz

Hi. I am committed but right now I'm terrified. I'm terrified to take another drink so I've just been very anxious. Obviously, AA will be important. I don't personally care for AA but it's about doing what's right, not doing what's easy. I will need to stay in therapy, and find a hobby of some sort.

That's my only plan right now.

cwood3

Juelz, I have been terrified of AA for all of my 42 active drinking years, honestly. I just started going Wednesday. I'm on Day 7 of sobriety.

I told myself I'm going to make it work. I spoke at the first meeting, very short, but I did it. My God I couldn't believe how good I felt. So I've been back to 3 meetings since and it's only Friday. I decided I was going to say something at every meeting, no matter how brief just so I could practice my sober voice. I'm making friends there now. Keep an open mind. Put yourself out of your comfort zone 1 time....only 1 time. You will be amazed at yourself, and the feeling you walk away with will give you a new confidence level and male recovery a realistic vision.

chickippo

hi. i've got a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, along with depression and anxiety. my drinking took me down fast when i started to self-medicate with booze. i was completely out of control, running up debts and behaving really badly. i had a breakdown 4 years ago, and got my BPD diagnosis after that.

i got sober 2 years and 4 months ago. AA saved my life. Having a sponsor and working the steps taught me how to live sober.

AA isn't for everyone. i just wanted you to know that i got sober. you can too. the most important thing of all is you - you deserve a calmer, more peaceful life.

you are worth it. i know it's hard to keep believing that, but you are.

Soberwolf

Welcome Juelz

Dee74

Hi Juelz

many of us arrive hgere after doing things we;d never thought we;d do. We all understand the insidiousness of alcoholism.

SR helped me turn my life around and become the real me again. I jknow we can help you do the same

Welcome!

D

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Juelz!!

lovetolisten

I too have been horrible to family and significant others in a drunken rage. The best way to stop hating yourself is to never drink again, hence never becoming that monster again. My family says stop apologizing; we want action.

lovetolisten

To answer the question of how to stop this, I am not one to talk having been reduced to Day 1 just less than a week ago, but this site has helped tremendously. Keep reading and you'll see a pattern that people who have quit and stayed stopped are pretty darn happy with theach new normal of sobriety

Mountainmanbob

Maybe that is another good reason to stop drinking.

Some will see and recognize the light before it's too late.
Others will act as if they are wearing blinders.

Please -- seek the light.
For we drunks when drinking are stuck in the dark.

MB

alyssa11

Recognizing you have a serious problem, and knowing what you did is something you won't allow yourself to happen again is a huge motivation start point. We've all done things we regret, but we're here now and we want to change. Look through the great advice on these threads and post anytime you're feeling you're about to say screw it and grab a drink.

it's good you're seeing a doctor. I, too, was self medicating with booze to combat my anxiety, and it spiraled me out into chaos. Anti-Anxiety meds have been a tremendous help during the transition to sobriety this last week and a half.

Best of luck, you got this!!

Soberandhealthy

Welcome!

Juelz

Thank you, everyone for your kind words and optimism. I am on Day 4, and so far I've only combated one urge to drink. As a part of my condition, I battle prolonged feelings of dullness and loneliness. These are starting to peak a little so I know the hard part is coming soon, here. I plan on checking in daily to combat these things. Thank you all.

Quincy

Welcome and hang in there.

August252015

Another one with BPD and alcoholism here.

I can tell you a couple of things: I rebelled so hard against AA that you wouldn't believe; it has in fact proven to be EXACTLY what "all those people who have what I want to have" said it would - a lifesaving, completely different program of living. As I've gotten sober- and I started seeing this at around 90 days- it is like BPD isn't the problem (anymore? ever?) because while my fundamental personality (or so I thought of it) has some of the bipolar/borderline characteristics, WITHOUT ALCOHOL in my life, it's not an issue. I stay on two meds related to it, but my focus is entirely on living a recovered life, not working a DBT program (which, incidentally, is a lot like AA).

You can do it. You CAN. Around here, I say often how deathly ill I was - given about 12-18 months to live, at 39- and how completely astonishing my life is now.

Please make a plan. Please try AA, regardless of what you think of it- if you can just start, and keep going (friend to go with, any external support to have at the start?) you CAN begin a new, sober, then recovering life.

Good luck.

Soberwolf

great job on day 4 Juelz

gettingsmarter

Juelz just wanted to say that quitting is absolutely possible. Glad you found this place.
Stick close to SR and read as much as you can.
Welcome

cwood3

Juelz, I know it's scary going to a first AA meeting (they should be called gatherings). But I can assure you, after the first one, you always attend an AA gathering with friends...that's just the way it works.