Jilllian

I think I relapsed after 4 years. Same story many of you have told: I had surgery. Started taking post-op pain meds. Hydrocodone.

Had surgery the end of May, then a follow-up surgery in mid-June. I'm embarrassed to say that I bought a handful of them from someone on Facebook who I assumed would at least know someone who would sell them to me. If she hadn't had them, I considered where I would look for them - find someone in a dark, seedy city park?

I don't want to be in denial, yet I've told myself that I can make the 60 pills I now have (5 mg each) last 40 days by taking 7.5 milligrams in the morning. That's what I did last month when I had 40 of them. I know that's a very small dose. It's the same dose I had been taking after the surgeries.

I'm ashamed and embarrassed. And disappointed in myself.

sugarbear1

Why not just talk to a doctor and get detoxed completely?

Steely

I understand where you are coming from Jillian but eventually you are going to want to come off, and that's a huge hassle.

Are you taking them for pain or to help you get through the day, cope? Don't feel ashamed or embarressed we have all been there. Also sus about meds being bought on the Internet as you really don't know what they contain. Keep posting.

Dee74

Coming clean is the first step to doing something about it Jillian. Whether it's a pain issue, or addiction issue, or both...the sooner you can stop the better off you'll be.

D

Steely

But sometimes pain requires pain medication, therefore my question. Much better off them, definitely.

Soberwolf

were always going to be here for you waiting to help I personally really know you can do this Jillian don't be ashamed try to overcome this & you will don't beat yourself up

Jilllian

If I'm honest with myself, and you guys, my answer is that I don't need them.
Yes, I'm in pain still from my surgeries, but the pain is just an annoyance - nothing that needs anything stronger than ibuprofen.

Part of me wants to flush the 60 I have left, and the other part of me is already thinking of where I'll get more once I've taken all these.

I know that telling myself that it's okay because I'm only taking one and a half of them a day is a slippery slope for me.

I told myself 4 years ago that I would never have an issue with pain medication again. How little I knew.

Since I've been taking only 1.5 pills (7.5 mg) per day, will my body go through withdrawal once I stop? Or is that just with heavier use? Not sure if my best bet is to use what I have left to taper off them to avoid withdrawal, or to flush them and cold turkey it like I did 4 years ago.

luvmygirls

4 years is absolutely amazing. Break out every tool from your past that you can possibly find. If I were you, I think I would have to throw myself on the mercy of my doctor and ask him/her to help me through this. BEST of luck, you can do this...you already have once before!

thomas11

Hi Jillian, for what its worth, I just got the same monkey off my back. And believe me, I thought of a dozen different ways to get my hands on more. My doctor would have prescribed them surely, I also know guys who do drugs, so I could have gone that route.

Instead I weened myself from 60mg a day right after my surgery, to 5mg a day for the last 4 days and mentally prepared to STOP TAKING THEM. It worked and the discomfort was mild. You can do this. At 7.5 mg, its as much pscyhological as it is physical.

Jilllian

Tom - How long did the withdrawal symptoms last once you weaned yourself down to 5 mg a day? A week or so?

I have been researching online yesterday and today and I've read quite a bit about Gabapentin helping with withdrawals. I've already been taking a fairly high dose of this daily for several years now, so I'm hoping this will help, though like you experienced yourself when you were on a lower dose, the symptoms may be mild.

It's the psychological stuff that will likely be more difficult for me, even after taking such a low dose.

When I quit opiates in 03/2012, I was taking oxys - anywhere from 30-100 mg/day. That withdrawal period was pretty brutal.

Admittedly, I am a big baby with pain and illness.

IvanMike

I'll be honest, the withdrawal isn't the issue. You and I both know that it's temporary.

Why you started using again is the issue.

What did you do to get clean 4 years ago?

City

Congratulations on 4 years. I've heard this story before but I have not experienced it yet. If you have had 4 years, you can do this again! Don't give up!

Soberwolf

This is where speaking & being honest with a Dr is your next best move

thomas11

I think we are all different, but there were 2 phases for me. The first was how I felt. I felt out of sorts if you will for about 2-3 days. But I kept busy doing different stuff so I wouldn't think about it. It was about the 3rd day I woke up and my mind felt normal, and it was a huge relief. Then out of the blue I had about 2 days of body aches (flu like). I can handle that much easier than when my brain doesn't feel right.

I had no sweating, no diarrhea, no cramps, none of the nightmarish stuff people talk about. In fact my appetite increased, so I ate more and I think that helped.

My personal opinion of opiates is that if people could be trusted with them they would have a larger use in medicine as a anti anxiety, anti depressant. But because people abuse them and die when mixed with other drugs, it will never happen.

Jilllian

I appreciate this question very much because answering it forced me into self-reflection.

Honestly, I liked how they make me feel - more socially uninhibited, less anxious, less serious, and more fun. I need to get there without medicine.

In 03/2012, I just stopped. I got sick of my addiction and scared of it., so I just stopped. I took a week off from work after having read horror stories online about withdrawals. I was taking much higher doses of opiates back then, and had been taking them for several years.

IvanMike

Getting "there" without using is the crux of the problem in my experience. I found the solution for me in the steps of NA. - I didn't go there to get clean, I went there because the drugs had stopped working and I felt worse and more uncomfortable in my own skin than I had when I started.

I loved how drugs (and particularly opiates) made me feel. In short, they seemed to be the magic bullet to make me feel not like me, and to be able to handle life. The consequences of seeking serenity in this manner were worse than the initial discomfort I felt with life.

After getting clean, I found that it was essential to deal with how I felt and my inability to handle life and the noise inside my head. I had a period of clean time in the past without any recovery plan. This time I engaged in a plan of recovery, and I can tell you that it is quite different.