Bechy

Since the very first time I ever touched alcohol it has caused infinite problems for me. That was 23 years ago and at 35 years old it is still causing mayhem in my life. I write this post with tremendous shame and guilt and humiliation. It's hard to be in my own skin right now. I went to a concert with some friends last night and proceeded to get blacked out wasted while every one else casually sipped their light beers. Then, I proceeded to drive myself home. When I woke up, I had to check out of my window to see if my car was there, I had zero recollection of driving. This is coming from someone with already two DUI's. Most normal people would never even chance something like that after just one or not at all. My ex used to tease me that I'd black out walking down the beer isle in the grocery store. I become a completely different person. I get dark and emotional and verbal vomit things that shock people. I have been the laughing stock of so many events that I acted a fool. I have social anxiety and try to compensate for it and end up destroying myself in front of people causing my social anxiety to be even worse the next time I see them. I got a concerned text from a friend today telling me how scary it is to see me get so wasted all the time. I can't count how many times I've gotten those emails or texts or phone calls over the years. I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I came here because it's the only small relief or comfort I can find at this moment while I torture myself with anxiety and depression over the kind of person I have allowed myself to become. I am so tired of being that girl. So so so tired.... please help.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Bechy

you've found a place where people understand how you feel cos we've been there.

Trust me, it's never too later to put the past behind us and start fresh

you never really have to feel this way again

D

Belier

Hi bechy and welcome, I can understand how you are feeling right now, (here is a ((hug)) for you. Although a little different many similarities for me just 4 months ago. I used some events as a turning point to grab hold and become the best version of the real me. it might seem daunting but coming here and owning it is a first step. this is scary stuff. I don't want you to go to jail, kill yourself or anyone else. you need to grab on with both hands and ask for help. You can turn this around. We are here for you. Dee has some great links to read but I suspect you are nursing a pretty bad feeling at the moment, so start reading gently around and start to build up the courage to make this a turning point. you can do this.

Wastinglife

I also use alcohol to overcome social anxiety. For a while, it worked great and I was able to have a very active social life and tons of friends. However, as my tolerance grew over the years, I needed more and more booze to get that buzz I was always chasing. This lead to drinking myself into stupors and I would become a different person. I would get angry and belligerent. Start fights with strangers, friends, even family. Many embarrassing and dangerous situations followed. Then I drank to deal with the regret and shame. Don't feel you are a bad person. Some people just shouldn't drink.

dwtbd

Welcome to SR
I can really identify with a lot of what was in your post. I remember how it felt when it seemed like the world would stop at some point, and then start again when my eyes opened. I'd look around to see where I was , try and figure what happened and brace myself for the shame and embarrassment that it happened , again(and again ect).
Getting through the guilt is hard , it takes sometime to forgive yourself. But the good news , the best part , is that if you quit ,that time can start right now . If you are ready, if you really want to, you can quit, you can make sure you never have to live through another experience like that ever again.
Come back here, often, post ,ask, read there is a ton of support and advice here from people who understand
Wish you well and hope to see you around

Dame

Hi Bechy,

So brave of you to reach out. Dee is so right. You will find support here without judgment. Some of us are still working through our histories, and I have witnessed so much healing. You are young and have a strong desire to move forward, so hang on to that resolve. There is always someone at SR. Post whatever you need to whenever you need to.
Sending a big hug

D122y

Bechy,

Hi and welcome.

Everyone here has a somewhat different alcohol hell.

I was a happy, easy going drunk. It allowed me to drink myself into a state of physical and mental horror.

Focusing on that horror helped me get through the first several months, until I got some sober time. Now, clean 15 months, I fight my cravings now by remembering that.....

.....I am a drug addict.....we all are....

If you believe in God, or a higher power check out the 12 steps.

Otherwise there are other methods to support getting and staying clean.

Drink and eat sweet stuff when you crave...it tricks your brain.

Eat clean....sleep alot...when you stop drinking your body begins to heal...it takes about a month before the anxiety really starts to show through in the healing process. ....a month clean is a big milestone....

Start w telling yourself....I am not drinking today..do that every day....read and post...

Thanks for the post. It helps w my recovery.

Delizadee

Keep reading around until you're ready to make your plan then work on action. You can do this. We're all here for you this is a great place for support.

PrinzessinD

Hi! I'm a 35 year old female as well and my problem has recently spiraled out of control too. I would get the shakes so bad I would wake up in the middle of the night and do a shot just so I could go back to sleep. I had the worst withdrawals last week that included hallucinations, sweats, ... you name it. I am going on day 5, I feel better but still feel kinda crappy after drinking 3 1/2 years straight every day. If you can, taper it off and stop. I don't want to feel ashamed ever again and be associated as "D the alcoholic". It sucks and it's embarrassing. You've come to the right place. xo

Dame

How are you doing Bechy?
The shame is painful right now, we know. You mentioned a lot of friends who have been looking out for you. How I wish I could say that. Please don't let your shame prevent you from letting them help you. If you can feel comfortable enough to tell them you would like their support, surely they will be eager to provide it. Please don't let fear and anxiety keep you from seeking support, Either way, WE are here for you.
Please let us know how you are doing.

MariahGayle

Glad you found us here Bechy....know that you are not alone in this & as Dee said, you never have to feel this way again! You will find much support & encouragement here. Big Hug to you

Berrybean

Hi. Glad you found us.

The alcoholic decline is subtle, and we don't notice many of the ways we are compromised by our alcoholism. Until the day that we find that we have started doing something that we always swore we wouldn't do.

Sounds like you were very lucky. You got home alive. The car being in okay shape indicating that there were no accidents. And this shameful nightmare could be turned to good effect if you decide to make this your rock bottom, stop drinking and start recovering.

I hope you decide to make today Day 1 of sobriety.

getright15

Hi,

We all have an alcoholic journey that finally gets us to this destination of surrendering. It took many times and many battles with myself internally to finally do so. Think about being sober today. Don't worry about tomorrow. We're all on this site because alcohol wasn't our friend, we've done some crazy a%% things. I can relate to you and what you're going through. Read some of my old posts. Believe the stories of success on here as if I can do it so can you. I'm 90 days sober today, and it's the best I've ever felt.

You can do this!

LadyBlue0527

Hi bechy,

It scares me how much I can identify with your post. The good news is you don't ever have to feel this way again. You can do this. You will gain back your self esteem and life will change. It all starts by formulating a recovery plan and sticking to it. By coming here and posting and reading you'll reinforce that plan.

Heave a sigh of relief, better days are ahead. You CAN do this!

Jim1958

Hi Bechy,
I did the same thing, drank because of social anxiety. I felt like I never fit in, so I drank to do so. I am ashamed to admit I also drove when I should not have. I never got a DUI, but I got to the point where I would just stockpile booze and drink at home. I stopped going to bars, and drinking in front of other people. It was sad and lonely. You have a number of things going for you, believe it or not. You are still young, and you have friends that care. Make a change and find out how your friends react. If they are really your friends, they will applaud your not drinking and help you. If they are not your friends, let them go out of your life. It is a big thing to admit you have a problem. It is hard to take that first step. But put one day in front of the others, read the posts and information here, and find a path that works for you. Everyone here has their stories, me included. I quit drinking over 6 months ago. You can too. I wish you the best in your recovery.

chrcarlson

Glad you posted, I know several people that drink and don't drive. If you continue to drink please don't Drive. 2 DWI's are not that bad, you are quite wrong if you think the 2'nd one was rough. If you get a 3'rd they are really going to beat you to pieces. If you hurt someone YOU are going to Prison for a very long time. Stock pile booze at home, use Uber or let a friend drive. ALWAYS have a plan BEFORE you start drinking.

I'm know the shame feeling. Sometimes I felt that way after drinking even if I had nothing to feel shame about. I'm quite certain it's a chemical reaction in the brain that requires nothing but alcohol to trigger. For me it always passed within a week of no booze. I'm pretty sure it will work that way for you. How do go a week without drinking is another question that can be answered here.

Welcome,

Chris
5 DWI's, 241 days without a hangover,

Bird615

Welcome, Bechy.
I know those feelings well.
You never have to feel like that again if you dont want to.

wpainterw

Hi Bechy: Shame unfortunately comes with the territory. It may help if you try to focus on the fact that alcoholism is an illness, despite the traditional view that it is a character flaw. As another post said, "Some people just can't drink". It's not so apparent at first but as time goes on it gets worse and worse and will continue to do that until a person gets help. Medical help and help from other persons in recovery, which is not only with groups like AA and Smart Recovery but here on this website. It's tough at first but gets easier as you go along Just stick with it and I guarantee you you'll never be sorry. Look at it as if you aren't "giving something up". You're getting freedom from something which is enslaving you and can destroy you. We're here to help. Doctors and counselors can help. A challenge. No shame anymore if you meet the challenge. Others will admire you. Good luck and every good wish.

Bill.

August252015

^^ All of this!

And, I would add- I know you feel completely rotten today. Just don't drink - today. I know that when I had some version (mannnny times) of what you did last night, I'd wallow in self punishment and horrible - ness...and often drink again the next night. Just don't- today. Deal with tomorrow, thoughts about a recovery program, whatever, tomorrow, next week, whenever. Just don't drink.

It will get better if you don't. You don't have to go further than you have- a lot of us have had worse consequences and didn't stop. You have to have your own "last drunk" and "last worst" - I hope this is it.

Take care - today.

Leshar

Welcome. Hope you're ok. I'm surprised your friends let you drive last night, given their concern. Don't be ashamed. Stick around here, it's a great place.