He is sober and now he doesn't want to be with me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 3
He is sober and now he doesn't want to be with me
I am here looking for some advice and hoping that what I am going through is common. I am trying not to take anything that my BF does personally, but I am so confused and hurt.
We have been dating for 4 months. Brand new. It was an instant connection and we moved quickly. We have a baby due the beginning of next year. We are in our 30's and we both felt this was what we wanted. He is a musician and drank often at gigs, which I was doing as well until I found out I was expecting. We were both nervous but excited. We were going to get engaged but wait t marry until we were both ready. we didn't want to rush any more than we already had. we had each other and we were fine with the way things were going....at this point.
I started noticing his drinking was ending in him being mean to me after a night out, and nasty to me the next morning as well. We went a few weekends like this and we both talked and he decided he needed to stop drinking for himself and us.
He signed up for a counseling program on his own and has been sober 15 days. Which is amazing! A week ago, he told me he needed some space and had to move home for a while to clear his mind. He wasn't feeling like himself.
I was sad, but agreed that he should do what he needed to do. All the week he was gone, he would text me like normal. He misses me, he loves me, all will be fine. He continuously reassured me. This past weekend he said he was super depressed and literally slept all day Sat, Sun, and Mon. He broke plans with me on all days, and has just left me hanging. He has told me he just doesn't want to be around anyone. He feels depressed and doesn't want to talk or be social at all. He has even been not nice to his parents and little sister. I am still trying not to take it personal, but today he finally called and seemed numb. Not his usual self at all. He says he loves me but he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't feel the same about me anymore. He thinks we rushed things and now he isn't so sure about anything.
I am heartbroken completely. Is this normal? He said he hopes he will feel better soon and he will want us back. we were just about to build a life together and its all gone.
We have been dating for 4 months. Brand new. It was an instant connection and we moved quickly. We have a baby due the beginning of next year. We are in our 30's and we both felt this was what we wanted. He is a musician and drank often at gigs, which I was doing as well until I found out I was expecting. We were both nervous but excited. We were going to get engaged but wait t marry until we were both ready. we didn't want to rush any more than we already had. we had each other and we were fine with the way things were going....at this point.
I started noticing his drinking was ending in him being mean to me after a night out, and nasty to me the next morning as well. We went a few weekends like this and we both talked and he decided he needed to stop drinking for himself and us.
He signed up for a counseling program on his own and has been sober 15 days. Which is amazing! A week ago, he told me he needed some space and had to move home for a while to clear his mind. He wasn't feeling like himself.
I was sad, but agreed that he should do what he needed to do. All the week he was gone, he would text me like normal. He misses me, he loves me, all will be fine. He continuously reassured me. This past weekend he said he was super depressed and literally slept all day Sat, Sun, and Mon. He broke plans with me on all days, and has just left me hanging. He has told me he just doesn't want to be around anyone. He feels depressed and doesn't want to talk or be social at all. He has even been not nice to his parents and little sister. I am still trying not to take it personal, but today he finally called and seemed numb. Not his usual self at all. He says he loves me but he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't feel the same about me anymore. He thinks we rushed things and now he isn't so sure about anything.
I am heartbroken completely. Is this normal? He said he hopes he will feel better soon and he will want us back. we were just about to build a life together and its all gone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Welcome Gp. I am so glad you found us. Also I am so extremely sorry for what has brought you here.
My experience with my qualifier was different but I have heard of folks having similar experiences to you and hope they will chime in.
If you can, please seek out an Alanon meeting. Not everyone clicks with Alanon but for some it is a lifesaver. Also do everything you can to educate yourself about relationships with alcoholics.
Big hug to you and let us know how you get along.
My experience with my qualifier was different but I have heard of folks having similar experiences to you and hope they will chime in.
If you can, please seek out an Alanon meeting. Not everyone clicks with Alanon but for some it is a lifesaver. Also do everything you can to educate yourself about relationships with alcoholics.
Big hug to you and let us know how you get along.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
GP3530.....yes, this is quite common.
It is best to focus on taking care of your self and the baby.
You have no gurantees of him.......
(make sure that you know how to track him in case you will want him to help contribute support for your child).....
dandylion
(if you can get his social security number and his place and date of birth...as well as addresses and names of his parents, relatives or any friends....that would be helpful info. of have available). License plate numbers are also good.....
It is best to focus on taking care of your self and the baby.
You have no gurantees of him.......
(make sure that you know how to track him in case you will want him to help contribute support for your child).....
dandylion
(if you can get his social security number and his place and date of birth...as well as addresses and names of his parents, relatives or any friends....that would be helpful info. of have available). License plate numbers are also good.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Gp3530.....it is now of upmost importance to get help for yourself.
You need to also learn everything you can about alcoholism.....so that y ou know what you are going to be up against......
I suggest that you begin by going to the stickies at the top of the main page.
And, begin reading in the one called "Classic Readings"....
Knowledge is power......
I am glad that you have the support of his parents for RIGHT NOW......but, keep in mind, that it often happens, that when push comes to shove---that families will usually side with their own. I am just trying to prepare you for the worst case scenario......
From now on...it is best to put your head in charge of your heart. Your heart can't be trusted....it is too vulnerable.....
dandylion
You need to also learn everything you can about alcoholism.....so that y ou know what you are going to be up against......
I suggest that you begin by going to the stickies at the top of the main page.
And, begin reading in the one called "Classic Readings"....
Knowledge is power......
I am glad that you have the support of his parents for RIGHT NOW......but, keep in mind, that it often happens, that when push comes to shove---that families will usually side with their own. I am just trying to prepare you for the worst case scenario......
From now on...it is best to put your head in charge of your heart. Your heart can't be trusted....it is too vulnerable.....
dandylion
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Please understand that he has probably either already relapsed or is about to. The isolating and avoiding people who would expect him to be accountable is quite telling.
I hope you'll stay around and read some of the many threads here from people who have been in this situation. The primary thing at this point is to understand that you have to plan to look after you and your baby as if you will be on your own...his family may hang in there with you, but it wouldn't be the first time the addict turned around and blamed the girlfriend for all his problems and the family bought it.
Maybe a miracle will happen, but hope for the best and plan for the worst, right?
Sending you a hug.
I hope you'll stay around and read some of the many threads here from people who have been in this situation. The primary thing at this point is to understand that you have to plan to look after you and your baby as if you will be on your own...his family may hang in there with you, but it wouldn't be the first time the addict turned around and blamed the girlfriend for all his problems and the family bought it.
Maybe a miracle will happen, but hope for the best and plan for the worst, right?
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
well, things DID move VERY quickly and that can be a lot for ANYONE to truly take in and deal with appropriately. you barely know this man at all, so anything he does or says is going to seem new and possibly confusing, as you have nothing to gauge against.
sobering up is NEVER fun. and no one getting sober is any fun to be around. he's in the midst of a personal struggle you know nothing about.
i also want to add my caution to your thinking that his family has your back.....that MAY be the case NOW, but that is not something i would build into my budget or my long term plans.
sobering up is NEVER fun. and no one getting sober is any fun to be around. he's in the midst of a personal struggle you know nothing about.
i also want to add my caution to your thinking that his family has your back.....that MAY be the case NOW, but that is not something i would build into my budget or my long term plans.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Hugs. Four months is not long enough to know someone well, and now you have a baby on the way. Very fast and overwhelming, even for the strongest of people.
Go to Al-anon. Give him some time to sort this out, and see if he can get and stay sober. It's normal for him to want some space to get healthy, but whether you should stay with him or not is another issue. Keep posting here, there's a lot of wisdom here from others facing similar situations.....
Go to Al-anon. Give him some time to sort this out, and see if he can get and stay sober. It's normal for him to want some space to get healthy, but whether you should stay with him or not is another issue. Keep posting here, there's a lot of wisdom here from others facing similar situations.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Originally Posted by Gp3530 
I appreciate everyone's input. Yes, we moved fast. It seemed right. Guess I was wrong. I will look into al-anon as well.
Unfortunately a common hallmark of codependent/alcoholic relationships is there is often an instant connection. It seems our dysfunctions as codependents correlates well with the dysfunction of the alcoholics we fall in love with.
I'm so sorry to say Gp but you seem to belong to our club - irk.
Big hug to you lady. Circle every wagon you can think of and keep posting. We will support you the best we can although sometimes we are blunt when you need kindness or vice versa kind when you need bluntness.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi Gp3530,
Just wanted to chime in that my STBXAH got mean and nasty with his (enabling) mother when he was trying to get sober, too. And he would isolate himself, and sleep a lot, too. You might want to read the alcoholics' board for newcomers to recovery, as it helps people on the outside to see what our significant others may be going through. It seems that doing without alcohol makes it challenging for someone who is used to drugging himself to deal with other people. I am so sorry for what you're going through. I hope the baby is a blessing, regardless of the disappointment and grief you're feeling about the father.
Just wanted to chime in that my STBXAH got mean and nasty with his (enabling) mother when he was trying to get sober, too. And he would isolate himself, and sleep a lot, too. You might want to read the alcoholics' board for newcomers to recovery, as it helps people on the outside to see what our significant others may be going through. It seems that doing without alcohol makes it challenging for someone who is used to drugging himself to deal with other people. I am so sorry for what you're going through. I hope the baby is a blessing, regardless of the disappointment and grief you're feeling about the father.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
GP,
I know you must be going crazy not understanding what is going on. Then you come here for support and we tell you to take care of you and don't expect anything.
Hon, we are here for you. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself and your baby. He is an adult with a horrible disease. It takes a lot for an addict to give up their addiction. This is truly something that he needs to do for himself, you can not help him in anyway. It is very common for couples who have been married a long time, separate while the addict detoxes.
You are pregnant and having a child with this man. Can he follow through with, growing up, sobering up and working a program?? Odds are really against him, I am sorry to say. Its not that easy, that everything turns out perfect, when they stop drinking. It is much deeper then just the alcohol. You have only known him while he was drinking, you might not even like this man when he gets sober. A lot of things can and will change, as you are seeing now.
There are a lot of obstacles to tackle before the baby is born. The best thing you can do is educate yourself about addiction. Figure out what your life will be like with an addict or a recovering addict or just with your chilld. There is so much you can do for yourself to help you. If the stars are aligned he will work a program and you and him will live happily ever after. If not you will have to take care and understand that it wasn't meant to be.
Sending hugs my friend, we are here to help you understand. Keep coming back and learning!!
I know you must be going crazy not understanding what is going on. Then you come here for support and we tell you to take care of you and don't expect anything.
Hon, we are here for you. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself and your baby. He is an adult with a horrible disease. It takes a lot for an addict to give up their addiction. This is truly something that he needs to do for himself, you can not help him in anyway. It is very common for couples who have been married a long time, separate while the addict detoxes.
You are pregnant and having a child with this man. Can he follow through with, growing up, sobering up and working a program?? Odds are really against him, I am sorry to say. Its not that easy, that everything turns out perfect, when they stop drinking. It is much deeper then just the alcohol. You have only known him while he was drinking, you might not even like this man when he gets sober. A lot of things can and will change, as you are seeing now.
There are a lot of obstacles to tackle before the baby is born. The best thing you can do is educate yourself about addiction. Figure out what your life will be like with an addict or a recovering addict or just with your chilld. There is so much you can do for yourself to help you. If the stars are aligned he will work a program and you and him will live happily ever after. If not you will have to take care and understand that it wasn't meant to be.
Sending hugs my friend, we are here to help you understand. Keep coming back and learning!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Many drunks with (only) 15 days sober do not know what they want and have not a clear view of where they are heading.
I think it to be best to leave him alone.
Absence (usually) makes the heart grow fonder.
Mountainmanbob
I think it to be best to leave him alone.
Absence (usually) makes the heart grow fonder.
Mountainmanbob
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Regardless of being an alcoholic or not, he does not sound like a guy you would want to rely on.
A huuuge red flag is him being mean to you. Alcohol is not an excuse. And it is a brand new relationship and you are pregnant! And he has already shown that side of him.
Sorry to tell you, but I do not think "he is not himself lately." Perhaps he is showing you who he really is? And how can you be sure he is really not drinking?
A huuuge red flag is him being mean to you. Alcohol is not an excuse. And it is a brand new relationship and you are pregnant! And he has already shown that side of him.
Sorry to tell you, but I do not think "he is not himself lately." Perhaps he is showing you who he really is? And how can you be sure he is really not drinking?
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