Intro - How do I help?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 3
Intro - How do I help?
After lurking on here I've signed up looking for any advice that reading articles wont help.
AH is trying his best to quit. He's using the 30 day Sobriety Solution book, he's relapsed once with it but it seams to be very effective. The book says to cut out people who are part of the drinking problem.
As any normal couple we fight, and we don't always have the best communication. On top of that we have a newborn baby, so tensions are high. We fight about something that should be trivial but it becomes a huge problem to him and he gets angry cusses and yells and then leaves the house because he believe I'm part of the problem. I feel like I should just let everything go because I know he's going through a hard time. But that's hard to do without feeling resentful when I feel I've been wronged. Should I just let things go as he's recovering? Is our marriage really part of the problem? I've tried to be supportive using the tools I've read but I don't know what to do if we are fighting about things not related to drinking.
Would love to hear from someone who made it through a situation like this, how did you help? Is there a place here to ask those who have recovered what they wish their spouse knew to help?
AH is trying his best to quit. He's using the 30 day Sobriety Solution book, he's relapsed once with it but it seams to be very effective. The book says to cut out people who are part of the drinking problem.
As any normal couple we fight, and we don't always have the best communication. On top of that we have a newborn baby, so tensions are high. We fight about something that should be trivial but it becomes a huge problem to him and he gets angry cusses and yells and then leaves the house because he believe I'm part of the problem. I feel like I should just let everything go because I know he's going through a hard time. But that's hard to do without feeling resentful when I feel I've been wronged. Should I just let things go as he's recovering? Is our marriage really part of the problem? I've tried to be supportive using the tools I've read but I don't know what to do if we are fighting about things not related to drinking.
Would love to hear from someone who made it through a situation like this, how did you help? Is there a place here to ask those who have recovered what they wish their spouse knew to help?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I think you are discovering that just taking alcohol out of the problem is not the full solution.
Recovery is difficult. Recovery without a program or support system (you alone are not enough). imagine is pretty brutal. Recovery With a newborn oh my. There is a lot going on that under the best circumstance is difficult on a marriage.
What are you doing for you? Have you been to Al Anon? You mention your communication is t good could you explain?
Recovery is difficult. Recovery without a program or support system (you alone are not enough). imagine is pretty brutal. Recovery With a newborn oh my. There is a lot going on that under the best circumstance is difficult on a marriage.
What are you doing for you? Have you been to Al Anon? You mention your communication is t good could you explain?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi, and welcome to the forum
Sorry that you needed to find one, but I can attest to the fact that this is the best.
The first thing you need to know is the 3 C's. You didn't cause it, You can't control it, and You can't cure it.
Now this 30 day thing to sobriety is a bunch of bs. How do I know? I'm an RA. It's a lifelong thing.
First thing an alcoholic has to do is to accept responsibility for him/herself, and stop blaming someone else.
He hasn't done that, it's still "all your fault". You know it's not, I know it's not.
I hope you stick around. This is a really good group here.
((((((hugs)))))
amy
Sorry that you needed to find one, but I can attest to the fact that this is the best.
The first thing you need to know is the 3 C's. You didn't cause it, You can't control it, and You can't cure it.
Now this 30 day thing to sobriety is a bunch of bs. How do I know? I'm an RA. It's a lifelong thing.
First thing an alcoholic has to do is to accept responsibility for him/herself, and stop blaming someone else.
He hasn't done that, it's still "all your fault". You know it's not, I know it's not.
I hope you stick around. This is a really good group here.
((((((hugs)))))
amy
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Hi and welcome,
From the drunk husband perspective, if he really wants to quit that is most of the battle.
AA might help. I don't go to many meetings, 7 in 14 months, but it is helpful for so many reasons.
Drinking 1 time in 30 days is really solid. String a few of those together and soon enough, booze will not be needed any more.
He has to remember, he is addicted to booze. Mostly mental now. He has to learn new coping strategies, get new hobbies to fill the time not g etting drunk, being drunk, and being hungover.
Me and my wife rarely fight now that I've quit. We bicker, but nothing crazy like before.
From the drunk husband perspective, if he really wants to quit that is most of the battle.
AA might help. I don't go to many meetings, 7 in 14 months, but it is helpful for so many reasons.
Drinking 1 time in 30 days is really solid. String a few of those together and soon enough, booze will not be needed any more.
He has to remember, he is addicted to booze. Mostly mental now. He has to learn new coping strategies, get new hobbies to fill the time not g etting drunk, being drunk, and being hungover.
Me and my wife rarely fight now that I've quit. We bicker, but nothing crazy like before.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,000
Welcome Balletdancer. I hope you find this site helpful.
Many folks find Alanon helpful. You may have to try a couple of groups to find one that fits. Also most of us have read Codependent No More. It is really helpful in describing detachment and taking care of your side of the street.
Although I agree with what folks are telling you here about alcoholism and your husbands attempt to quit, you really need to focus on you. Look at yourself and your own problems. Let him work on his own recovery; this is his problem not yours.
Big hug to you. It sounds like a difficult time.
Many folks find Alanon helpful. You may have to try a couple of groups to find one that fits. Also most of us have read Codependent No More. It is really helpful in describing detachment and taking care of your side of the street.
Although I agree with what folks are telling you here about alcoholism and your husbands attempt to quit, you really need to focus on you. Look at yourself and your own problems. Let him work on his own recovery; this is his problem not yours.
Big hug to you. It sounds like a difficult time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 3
Thank you all for the support and kind words.
I believe he does want to stay sober, a baby has been the only thing that made him want that. I know that sobriety takes more than 30 days, but this book suggests that after the 30 days of activities it sets up you will have a structure in place to stay sober. He has to journal and reflect daily etc.
I know I can't cause his drinking, but he says now that he's not drinking he has to deal with problems/feelings. A lot of that being past relationship issues. That makes sense to me, but only a few days sober this time it seems like he's dealing with a lot and I don't know how to be supportive and not add to his stress. He's very short tempered and irritable, which I know is not uncommon.
We fight and he calls me stupid or something like that, so then I'm upset about the way we fight rather than whatever the initial argument was about. He leaves the house rather than settling it or talking it out.
I believe he does want to stay sober, a baby has been the only thing that made him want that. I know that sobriety takes more than 30 days, but this book suggests that after the 30 days of activities it sets up you will have a structure in place to stay sober. He has to journal and reflect daily etc.
I know I can't cause his drinking, but he says now that he's not drinking he has to deal with problems/feelings. A lot of that being past relationship issues. That makes sense to me, but only a few days sober this time it seems like he's dealing with a lot and I don't know how to be supportive and not add to his stress. He's very short tempered and irritable, which I know is not uncommon.
We fight and he calls me stupid or something like that, so then I'm upset about the way we fight rather than whatever the initial argument was about. He leaves the house rather than settling it or talking it out.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
balletdancer.....I have not been a spouse in that situation, but, I sure have been around a l o t of people in early recovery.......and, generally, they are miserable and they are h*** to be around.
I have often said that I think that the first year of recovery, the alcoholic should live apart from their loved ones......it would be more merciful all around...
I suggest that you give him lots of space. Detach from him as much as possible.
Ignore stupid things that he says....leave the room if he is being difficult. Leave the house as much as possible (difficult, I know , with a newborn).....
If he is being verbally abusive or being deliberately mean to you, I think that is something that you shouldn't be expected to accept or just "suck up".
Especially, being a new mother with a newborn.....that is detrimental to your emotional health!
If that is the case, perhaps you could ask him to live somewhere else for the 30days.....
Here, we have special short term suites.....nice apartments for traveling business people.....He might be more comfortable there, for example.
He might rent a room, somewhere....or he might stay with a friend or a relative for that time.....
You get the idea.........
for you, I think that alanon is something that would help you ASAP.....you would be with other (mostly women) who will give you the understanding that you need, very badly, just now.......
A newborn is usually so quiet that you could just take the baby in his/her carseat.......
dandylion
I have often said that I think that the first year of recovery, the alcoholic should live apart from their loved ones......it would be more merciful all around...
I suggest that you give him lots of space. Detach from him as much as possible.
Ignore stupid things that he says....leave the room if he is being difficult. Leave the house as much as possible (difficult, I know , with a newborn).....
If he is being verbally abusive or being deliberately mean to you, I think that is something that you shouldn't be expected to accept or just "suck up".
Especially, being a new mother with a newborn.....that is detrimental to your emotional health!
If that is the case, perhaps you could ask him to live somewhere else for the 30days.....
Here, we have special short term suites.....nice apartments for traveling business people.....He might be more comfortable there, for example.
He might rent a room, somewhere....or he might stay with a friend or a relative for that time.....
You get the idea.........
for you, I think that alanon is something that would help you ASAP.....you would be with other (mostly women) who will give you the understanding that you need, very badly, just now.......
A newborn is usually so quiet that you could just take the baby in his/her carseat.......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi balletdancer,
You might read up on establishing and maintaining boundaries, and then implement them. I learned to tell my STBXAH that if he did or said certain things, I was going to leave the room.
At some point you two may be able to work on conflict resolution and how to talk things through. But with one of you newly sober and both of you sleep deprived with a newborn, perhaps just trying to stay calm and civil should be the goal for awhile.
Also, try not to engage. Do you meditate at all? For me that was such a helpful tool for disengaging from my Ex's craziness, even if he was right there in the room saying mean things.
You might read up on establishing and maintaining boundaries, and then implement them. I learned to tell my STBXAH that if he did or said certain things, I was going to leave the room.
At some point you two may be able to work on conflict resolution and how to talk things through. But with one of you newly sober and both of you sleep deprived with a newborn, perhaps just trying to stay calm and civil should be the goal for awhile.
Also, try not to engage. Do you meditate at all? For me that was such a helpful tool for disengaging from my Ex's craziness, even if he was right there in the room saying mean things.
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