My God! What have I done?
Recognising my AV
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: South West of England
Posts: 218
My God! What have I done?
Hello folks - first off I want to apologise for being a stranger on here for so long - I only come here when I want something but that will change.
I hadn't had a drink for 18 months and was doing really well. Apart from the odd tantrum and feeling sorry for myself that I couldn't even have one cold beer with my meal watching a beautiful Greek sunset my plan was working. I was eating so healthily, my guitar playing was improving better than ever, I'd taken the plunge and left my job to become freelance and I was even getting a bit spiritual! This bitter lifelong atheist was finding truth and meaning in Buddhist philosophy.
Then last month the inevitable "F" it moment occurred. We had to put our lovely old dog to sleep and before I'd even got back to the car after leaving the vet's I had made the decision that I was going to drink that night. My AV was waiting for just such an opportunity and he played his card perfectly! Who wouldn't drink after such a sad event? I just wanted / needed to switch off. This was a culmination of a series of difficult and worrying events we've had as a family and for one night ....I wanted to hit the pause button and a shed load of lager hit the spot perfectly!
The following morning I slept in later than usual but did't feel too bad apart from a slight headache and I returned to sobriety in the mistaken belief that I'd managed to use alcohol for a purpose on a single occasion and that because so much water had gone under the bridge I'd got away with it!
You've probably guessed where this is going.... about three weeks later my AV convinced me that as I'd been ok last time it would be fine to drink for a happy reason ...and I agreed. My wife and I had a lovely evening chatting away and really talking - something that we have struggled with while I was sober and she was drinking - not alcoholically but quite regularly.
That was 5 days ago and I've been drinking ever since.
She's been away for a few days which has cleared the decks for me as it's easier to hide my drinking from my two teenagers than it is from her although they are aware...
So I need to reset the clock and get back to sobriety pretty damn quick. The speed with which the old behaviours have returned has been absolutely terrifying! I feel depressed, scared and physically awful!
I've just downloaded and am listening to Kevin O'Hara's audiobooks on audible and am now browsing here.
I know I should have been more active on here but I did have a plan - I just let my guard down. I know also that there will be advice for me to go to a meeting. I know it's well meaning and works miraculously for many but they're not for me for all sorts of valid reasons. I have tried them before but have only been successful using internet media rather than face to face - don't know why just how it is.
I plan to stop drinking and reconnect with my healthy habits but need to guard against the time when stuff seems to just build up and I need to switch off for a few hours to stop the chatter in my head. I've always used booze in the past and my AV convinced me to try it again - but it's done me ......really done me!
Thanks for reading if you've got this far
I hadn't had a drink for 18 months and was doing really well. Apart from the odd tantrum and feeling sorry for myself that I couldn't even have one cold beer with my meal watching a beautiful Greek sunset my plan was working. I was eating so healthily, my guitar playing was improving better than ever, I'd taken the plunge and left my job to become freelance and I was even getting a bit spiritual! This bitter lifelong atheist was finding truth and meaning in Buddhist philosophy.
Then last month the inevitable "F" it moment occurred. We had to put our lovely old dog to sleep and before I'd even got back to the car after leaving the vet's I had made the decision that I was going to drink that night. My AV was waiting for just such an opportunity and he played his card perfectly! Who wouldn't drink after such a sad event? I just wanted / needed to switch off. This was a culmination of a series of difficult and worrying events we've had as a family and for one night ....I wanted to hit the pause button and a shed load of lager hit the spot perfectly!
The following morning I slept in later than usual but did't feel too bad apart from a slight headache and I returned to sobriety in the mistaken belief that I'd managed to use alcohol for a purpose on a single occasion and that because so much water had gone under the bridge I'd got away with it!
You've probably guessed where this is going.... about three weeks later my AV convinced me that as I'd been ok last time it would be fine to drink for a happy reason ...and I agreed. My wife and I had a lovely evening chatting away and really talking - something that we have struggled with while I was sober and she was drinking - not alcoholically but quite regularly.
That was 5 days ago and I've been drinking ever since.
She's been away for a few days which has cleared the decks for me as it's easier to hide my drinking from my two teenagers than it is from her although they are aware...
So I need to reset the clock and get back to sobriety pretty damn quick. The speed with which the old behaviours have returned has been absolutely terrifying! I feel depressed, scared and physically awful!
I've just downloaded and am listening to Kevin O'Hara's audiobooks on audible and am now browsing here.
I know I should have been more active on here but I did have a plan - I just let my guard down. I know also that there will be advice for me to go to a meeting. I know it's well meaning and works miraculously for many but they're not for me for all sorts of valid reasons. I have tried them before but have only been successful using internet media rather than face to face - don't know why just how it is.
I plan to stop drinking and reconnect with my healthy habits but need to guard against the time when stuff seems to just build up and I need to switch off for a few hours to stop the chatter in my head. I've always used booze in the past and my AV convinced me to try it again - but it's done me ......really done me!
Thanks for reading if you've got this far
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Hendrix 
I know also that there will be advice for me to go to a meeting. I know it's well meaning and works miraculously for many but they're not for me for all sorts of valid reasons.
Originally Posted by Hendrix
I plan to stop drinking
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
Thank you so much for this topic. If it weren't for SR, a lot of us would probably entertain similar thoughts of returning to drinking. I appreciate a glimpse how quickly you can slip right back to the old habits. So thank you, truly.
Please stop drinking now and keep checking in daily, that works well. We're here
Please stop drinking now and keep checking in daily, that works well. We're here
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 236
So sorry for the loss of your sweet dog. If ever there is a reason to drink, that would be it for me.
I like to listen to great AA speakers on this website:
Recoveryaudio.org
It's like going to a meeting, but available when you want.... In the car, doing housework/projects with earphones.
Good luck and thanks for sharing. It's good for all of us to see how easy a relapse is.
I like to listen to great AA speakers on this website:
Recoveryaudio.org
It's like going to a meeting, but available when you want.... In the car, doing housework/projects with earphones.
Good luck and thanks for sharing. It's good for all of us to see how easy a relapse is.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: 45th Parallel, Michigan
Posts: 816
Your "easy" return to daily drinking really spoke to me. Reading above, 11 years wasn't long enough to let down our guard; in my past, 8 years wasn't long enough; every time we allow a single episode of drinking, we open a door, just a crack, enough to let in something dark and sinister, something that obviously never goes away. Thanks for reminding me that it is never going to be okay to drink again, no matter how long it's been...I can only achieve that on a daily basis, but any thought to the contrary is deadly. I'm so glad you posted --Arp
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Rotherham
Posts: 37
Hi, thanks for sharing your experience and I have every confidence you'll get back to where you were.
Just think - you've done it once, you know what needs to be done so it's a case of cracking on and doing it. All the best
Just think - you've done it once, you know what needs to be done so it's a case of cracking on and doing it. All the best
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Glad you're back Hendrix. After 17 months of sobriety I stepped back through and into the gates of hell. It was a true learning experience that it doesn't take long for your brain to get right back to the old ways of thinking. Still, I kept it up until the inevitable happened, a newer and deeper rock bottom.
I'm glad that you're recognizing what you need to do now and didn't wait to see what that was for you.
Stay close.
I'm glad that you're recognizing what you need to do now and didn't wait to see what that was for you.
Stay close.
I look young for my age.
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 932
Hendrix and LadyBlue, while relapse is nothing I would ever wish upon anyone, know that there is a silver lining. Your stories (and ones like yours) are the most powerful ones on here for me and others, as they are poignant reminders that, even after an extended period of time, we still need to be vigilant.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 55
Losing my dog a year ago is the same thing that set me off again - worse than ever. At that time my husband got fed up and started yelling at me and threatening divorce (cue...I'm upset and he doesn't care, so drink more). Then winter was here and I'm bored. On and On and On. Got myself together in January after showing up drunk for my best friends 40th birthday, went through the withdrawals, actually started cleaning my house, making supper and doing projects long put off. Then my work from home job got busy and my husband because sort of my manager and we bicker over work stuff all the time. Off I went again, so I started AA. It hasn't worked well for me yet, I'm SO uncomfortable due to certain people there who whisper about me and etc. I know I need to look for a different gathering, just hard with it being at 8pm almost everywhere and getting home so late, also I do work at night after the phones go away. My Dr. wasn't real helpful other than to refer me to a Psychiatrist who I have messages out to. My Grandma died last week, husband and I started fighting badly so I know I need help as I slipped up again using those as an excuse. Physically....horrible anxiety, heavily beating heart, sweats/cold, shaking (shaking is pretty much done), weak muscles, not eating. I hope by the time I turn (cough) 40 in August I will have some success. Thanks for letting me blab on. Good luck to everyone!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
