I need help...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Gold Coast, QLD
Posts: 1
I need help...
Hi all, My name is hayden I'm 25 years old and I'm an addict....
I remember my first ever taste of drugs... and i regret it, i hate myself for being an addict. It all began when i was 15-16 i started smoking weed and taking adderall at school and drinking when i returned to australia from USA. I moved out of home at 16/17 working full time, artying lots drinking etc.
Over the years it progressed worse and worse, i never thought i had a problem. When i was 19-21 i was addicted to methamphetamine. Ive never truly been addicted to one substance i was addicted to "being high" Over the years ive gone through phases of taking Benzodiazepines, heavy MDMA use, Heavy cannabis use, heavy smoking (reds pack of 25 a day for 10 years) I drink almost everyday, or atleast take some kind of substance...
Last week on wednesday i almost died.... i should have died... Maybe it would have been a good thing, but it was a wake up call to say the least.I took 15 oxazepam, 2 bottles of wine, 60mg of oxy and alot of weed. I woke up in the morning to find crushed pills in my bong, messages sent to friends that were suicidal etc. I have no recollection of any of this I began writing a journal of every drug i take in a week (a budget week was still $400)
This was my "budget week"
Wed: 15 oxazepam, 60mg oxycodone, 2 bottle shiraz, Promethazane, Codeine
Thurs: 20mg Oxy,
Friday: No2 Bulbs (cream chargers) - 3 boxes, weed,
Sat: No2 Bulbs, weed, Phenergan, Cough Syrup
Sun: weed, No2 Bulbs, 60mg Oxy, phenergan, Ricodine, 150mg Codeine
Mon: Oxy, Weed,
Tues: Suzie Q, Soju, Weed, Oxy,
Wed: 4 rohyptnol (ruffies aka date rape drug) 2 valium and a carton of beer
Thursday: weed and a carton of beer...
the weeks before i was consuming around 30+ MDMA pills.
As i said earlier, i don't have a call for one drug, it's all of them... anything it doesn't matter. There isn't a drug that i know of that i haven't tried...
MDMA
LSD
DMT
OXY
DXM
cannabis
synthetic cannabis
xanax
oxazepam
temazepam
clonazepam
diazepam
ketamine
cocaine
speed
methamphetamine
Nitrous Oxide
Barbiturates
psilocybin mushrooms
peyote
different bathsalts
salvia divinorum
research chems
There's probably a few ive missed
I don't have a car, I don't have my drivers licence, I've never been able to hold down a job more than a year. Im a chef (industry is full of drug and alcohol). To be honest, I hate myself with a passion, I never really thought about it but i do. I will spend days to weeks in bed...
My mum dislikes me, my dad has nothing todo with me, I've never had any help except told to "**** off" (mind my french). I don't know how to be a functioning adult, and to be honest it makes me sick to my stomach.
I have no idea how to fix myself, everyone i know and associate with are either dealers or addicts themselves and i hate it but i can't escape, i feel trapped in a world i want to escape from!
I've been to university twice (bachelor of interactive media) and currently studying engineering, but i deffered because i went through an abortion last year that sent me into a downward spiral of drug abuse. I had no say in what happened to my child and id kills me to think about. I feel like a murderer...
I will be completely honest, I hate myself, i hate everything about myself, I'm a pathetic human being the only reason I'm not dead is because of my sisters need me later in life.
I need to change my life, or I'm going to die...
Please help.....before it's too late
I remember my first ever taste of drugs... and i regret it, i hate myself for being an addict. It all began when i was 15-16 i started smoking weed and taking adderall at school and drinking when i returned to australia from USA. I moved out of home at 16/17 working full time, artying lots drinking etc.
Over the years it progressed worse and worse, i never thought i had a problem. When i was 19-21 i was addicted to methamphetamine. Ive never truly been addicted to one substance i was addicted to "being high" Over the years ive gone through phases of taking Benzodiazepines, heavy MDMA use, Heavy cannabis use, heavy smoking (reds pack of 25 a day for 10 years) I drink almost everyday, or atleast take some kind of substance...
Last week on wednesday i almost died.... i should have died... Maybe it would have been a good thing, but it was a wake up call to say the least.I took 15 oxazepam, 2 bottles of wine, 60mg of oxy and alot of weed. I woke up in the morning to find crushed pills in my bong, messages sent to friends that were suicidal etc. I have no recollection of any of this I began writing a journal of every drug i take in a week (a budget week was still $400)
This was my "budget week"
Wed: 15 oxazepam, 60mg oxycodone, 2 bottle shiraz, Promethazane, Codeine
Thurs: 20mg Oxy,
Friday: No2 Bulbs (cream chargers) - 3 boxes, weed,
Sat: No2 Bulbs, weed, Phenergan, Cough Syrup
Sun: weed, No2 Bulbs, 60mg Oxy, phenergan, Ricodine, 150mg Codeine
Mon: Oxy, Weed,
Tues: Suzie Q, Soju, Weed, Oxy,
Wed: 4 rohyptnol (ruffies aka date rape drug) 2 valium and a carton of beer
Thursday: weed and a carton of beer...
the weeks before i was consuming around 30+ MDMA pills.
As i said earlier, i don't have a call for one drug, it's all of them... anything it doesn't matter. There isn't a drug that i know of that i haven't tried...
MDMA
LSD
DMT
OXY
DXM
cannabis
synthetic cannabis
xanax
oxazepam
temazepam
clonazepam
diazepam
ketamine
cocaine
speed
methamphetamine
Nitrous Oxide
Barbiturates
psilocybin mushrooms
peyote
different bathsalts
salvia divinorum
research chems
There's probably a few ive missed
I don't have a car, I don't have my drivers licence, I've never been able to hold down a job more than a year. Im a chef (industry is full of drug and alcohol). To be honest, I hate myself with a passion, I never really thought about it but i do. I will spend days to weeks in bed...
My mum dislikes me, my dad has nothing todo with me, I've never had any help except told to "**** off" (mind my french). I don't know how to be a functioning adult, and to be honest it makes me sick to my stomach.
I have no idea how to fix myself, everyone i know and associate with are either dealers or addicts themselves and i hate it but i can't escape, i feel trapped in a world i want to escape from!
I've been to university twice (bachelor of interactive media) and currently studying engineering, but i deffered because i went through an abortion last year that sent me into a downward spiral of drug abuse. I had no say in what happened to my child and id kills me to think about. I feel like a murderer...
I will be completely honest, I hate myself, i hate everything about myself, I'm a pathetic human being the only reason I'm not dead is because of my sisters need me later in life.
I need to change my life, or I'm going to die...
Please help.....before it's too late
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Hi Hayden,
I'm glad that you came here because you've found a place where there are caring and understanding people. There are no judgements.
You recognize you need it and are asking for help. That's the first step. You recognize that you need to change and with that, there is hope. You CAN do this.
Have you sought out assistance elsewhere?
In the meantime keep reading here. You'll find that we are all in this boat together and many of us felt about ourselves exactly like you're feeling right now. You are not a bad person, you're a good person who has been drawn into the world of addiction. You're seeking help, that is a big positive.
Please stay close to this board. Read and post.
You CAN do this.
I'm glad that you came here because you've found a place where there are caring and understanding people. There are no judgements.
You recognize you need it and are asking for help. That's the first step. You recognize that you need to change and with that, there is hope. You CAN do this.
Have you sought out assistance elsewhere?
In the meantime keep reading here. You'll find that we are all in this boat together and many of us felt about ourselves exactly like you're feeling right now. You are not a bad person, you're a good person who has been drawn into the world of addiction. You're seeking help, that is a big positive.
Please stay close to this board. Read and post.
You CAN do this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR Hayden 
This is a great place to talk through whatever you want to. Have you ever had any support before from professionals? Is that something you would consider? It sounds like you have just come to realise the extent of your drug use and that it has shocked you a bit. Do you feel like you would want to stop using drugs?
This is a great place to talk through whatever you want to. Have you ever had any support before from professionals? Is that something you would consider? It sounds like you have just come to realise the extent of your drug use and that it has shocked you a bit. Do you feel like you would want to stop using drugs?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi Hayden, thank you for being very honest about your drug use. I am sure you will get many different responses. I think you would be well served trying to find a long term rehabilitation facility. I'm actually surprised you didn't die taking the rohypnal, that is extremely strong. We both know you need to get professional help. I wish you the very best and keep us posted.
Re-Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,909
Welcome to SR, Zoniksku. This is a better way of life and it is possible for all of us. One day at a time. Ask for help when you need it. Help others when you can. And don't take that first drink/drug no matter what.
I'm in the restaurant business myself and promise you that it is possible to stay clean and sober while working. While there is a lot of drink/drug use/abuse there, there are more of us than you think.
Wishing you the best today. Hope you get the help you need and that you make regular participation here a part of your recovery.
I'm in the restaurant business myself and promise you that it is possible to stay clean and sober while working. While there is a lot of drink/drug use/abuse there, there are more of us than you think.
Wishing you the best today. Hope you get the help you need and that you make regular participation here a part of your recovery.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi and welcome Hayden
You're in a bit of a hole but your story's not unprecedented here. You'll find a lot of support.
I was an alcoholic but I started to post and read here everyday,. gopt a lot of support and ideas and I turned things around.
I'm sure you can too
D
You're in a bit of a hole but your story's not unprecedented here. You'll find a lot of support.
I was an alcoholic but I started to post and read here everyday,. gopt a lot of support and ideas and I turned things around.
I'm sure you can too
D
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
The bad news is that what you're doing is gonna kill you. The good news is you don't have to die. There is hope. Get yourself to a narcotics anonymous meeting every day and see if you can get into a rehab. You're not hopeless, it just seems that way to you right now.
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