LovelyKaya33333

Hi guys,

I know I am writing a lot ...I went to yoga therapy today and the therapist and I touched on me not feeling like I have the right to take up space ... I am generally confident about my career and appearance but I always feel like i have to give something to receive love... It is humbling to admit but she was right... She said I tend to attract addicts because of this and I am in alanon and have a sponsor and I am working the steps so I am hoping my intrinsic "I am enough" will follow in suit... I just realized how true this rings for me posting here 1-3 times a day and feeling like I am being "too much"... not sure if that makes sense... but my question is Why do they go back and forth on their feelings so much...One day "you are the love of my life" and planning a future and the next week...distance followed by a breakup or breakdown of some sort... I guess I am having a moment right now where I feel like "If I just wouldn't have confronted him or needed so much or blah blah blah" that we would be cuddling right now in our home and his ex wife wouldn't be moving back in... I know it sounds stupid and it is his manipulation in my head. I guess i feel like if I would have just stayed quiet about my needs we would be ok...which makes me sad...but knowing he is cohabitating with his ex wife in the house that we got together seems like more than I can take...

JD

There isn't a darn thing you can do to keep an alcoholic from drinking if the person doesn't want to quit. Please don't beat yourself up over anything you've done.

Ariesagain

A long-term addict has only two priorities: first, obtaining the drug of choice, and second, having enough time and space to be able to use it and not be hassled while they're doing so.

Since enablers are a source of money, directly or indirectly, they need to be kept around to help ensure the supply. The enablers can also be helpful in taking on the addict's adult responsibilities, like caring for children, paying bills, working, etc., which helps the addict have more time to use. The problem comes when the enablers actually want something...like attention, emotional connection, contributing...which might interfere with the important things...getting and using.

So it's a constant come here, I love you, now go away, you bug me whiplash for the innocent enabler, who is being told this is all their fault.

It's not your fault.

LovelyKaya33333

He said we were breaking up because apparently I wasn't ready for boring family life...WTF!!! I watched his children for free...set boundaries for them... helped make their room cute and cozy... grocery shopped with them... contributed 1/2 the rent and bills ( which is essentially paying for them )... was a therapist to him about his ex ( who will now be living there) he's such a pile of **** to tell me that I am the one who doesn't want a family life?????!!! just cause I wanted a little attention.... ugh I could scream ....... thank you all for being so supportive

dandylion

LovelyKaya....like I said....use that wailing wall!
You have a right to feel anger and resentment.....you feel what you feel and you have a right to that,,,,don't you?

****By the way...don't think that he is ever going to agree with you or see it your way.....

dandylion

LeeJane

Rest assured Kaya, it is nothing to do with you or what you do or do not do, it is the alcoholism running his brain and his thinking patterns and how he sees the world.

It is in him not you, please take care of yourself.

LeeJane

Many thanks for this clear post. I feel it is exactly correct. Speaking as a partner to an active A and an A with 6 years recovery myself.

You have summed it up perfectly.

None of it is personal. It really isn't. It is a diseased mind doing what it needs to do to survive, with no thought to effects on others.

Thank you, Aries Again

Yoga

It's all about them and not about you.

It's all about their Ism whether active or not active.

It's all about their Egos.

Basically everything is about them.

Nothing personal,they just like to make it about you so they don't have to take responsibility for anything.

LexieCat

Great feedback here, I agree with it a hundred percent. HE doesn't know reality from a hole in the ground, so anything he says about you, or your relationship, should be viewed accordingly. It's as true as claiming he's Napoleon.

redatlanta

he's just blame shifting sweetie. Of course its not his fault its YOURS! Ridiculous.

Good riddance.

FireSprite

Do you REALLY want to settle for a relationship where your needs are so insignificant/nonexistent? From all that you've shared even *I* can tell that you deserve better than that!

Honestly, it sounds like he's doing you a favor - imagine finding all this out (& more) 5 years down the line with 5 more years of your life invested in this relationship; all the while thinking you were actually building toward something only to have the rug ripped out from under you harshly.

He'll say ANYTHING but it means next to NOTHING. The best thing you can do is to ignore every single thing he says & pay attention to what he does. Have you read these classic posts?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thinking.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

NYCDoglvr

Speaking as an alcoholic (in my 25th year of recovery), it may help to realize that when speaking to an active (and early recovery) alcoholic you're really talking to a disease, to the bottle. I've heard it called the "M&M" disease: "Me and More". In the book Alcoholics Anonymous Bill Wilson calls the alcoholic self-centered in the extreme, with enormous self-will and grandiosity combined with low self-esteem. It's a disease in the sense it's a mental illness, at least the AMA classifies it as such.

To answer your question more directly, active addicts' emotions are all over the place. They say whatever pops into their head at the time, heavily filtered by alcohol. Personally I wouldn't take any of it seriously.

healthyagain

You know, when addiction is endangered, that is when you as an enabler put your foot down and actually stop enabling, the addict will just find another "host." I use this term, because in a way they do behave like parasites, and we codependents are perfect hosts. Almost like that Alien movie. Once they abandon you, do not expect a "Thank you!" Just lots and lots of pain and damage.

It is not like his ex is winning lottery by being reunited. She just became his host . . . AGAIN.

Hugs to you and chin up.

maia1234

Kaya,
The ex is going to remember very quickly why she broke up with him in the first place.

If you have any questions regarding A's you can always post on the New to Recovery or the Alcoholism forum. The men and women have wonderful insight of "why" they did or do something. I have really learned a lot from that forum.

Keep posting and venting. This way you aren't doing to the "brick" wall. Sending hugs !!

tomsteve

"Why do they go back and forth on their feelings so much...One day "you are the love of my life" and planning a future and the next week...distance followed by a breakup or breakdown of some sort..."

IMO, what you descried can be simply answered by
because your dealing with a practicing alcoholic. its some of the traits we can show.

LovelyKaya33333

thank you so much guys...today is pretty hard... I have this fake vision in my head of his life magically getting better now that I am out of the picture... I know this isn't true... I know his ex wife doesn't want to be with him...I know she ran as far away across country and risked being put in jail by taking the kids because she couldn't stand the drinking anymore... I know she is still with her boyfriend that she has been living with the past year and she probably will be pissed as hell that he is forcing her to move back if she wants to see her kids... I still feel ill though...used... because I was...just a gut wrenching day feeling like I was the burden in his life...even though I know logically I gave him the world....my heart and head haven't caught up to each other...thank you again for all of the replies

Ariesagain

They will.

You're one smart, strong cookie and I would bet the farm you will find someone who will cherish you.

Sending you a hug.