RyRy123

I met this incredible man last November. It was one of those movie like moments where we locked eyes across the room. He was at my work for an interview and ended up getting the job. It took him a couple months to get up the courage to ask me out. On our second date, he told me that he had been in recovery from opiates and heroin for the past 3 years. He said after quitting drugs, he began to drink, and realized that he had developed a problem with alcohol. He was completely open and honest about everything. At the time of our date, he was 40 days sober. I've never had an issue with alcohol or drugs, but I'm currently in recovery from an eating disorder that I'd struggled with for over 10 years. So, while I may not be able to relate to everything he is going through, I can relate to certain aspects. I did ask him if he thought he was ready to be dating, and he told me that he thought he was, and his sponsor knew that he was on a date. About a week later, he called me and told me that he realized he wasn't ready. He liked me and was afraid that he was going to hurt me. He told me that he needed to focus on himself right now. As hard as that was for me to hear, I completely understood and respected everything he was saying. We decided to be friends. I found out later that his decision came during a 3 days slip he had with adderall.

Its been about 4 months since then, and its very clear that there is still something between us. Not only has it not gone away, but I feel like its gotten even stronger as we have gotten to know each other better. He's become a really close friend and he means the world to me. Last week was my 30th birthday as he came out to celebrate. It was at a bar, and I know that him coming and putting himself in that situation was not easy for him. I made sure not to drink around him, but did have a few sips of a friends drink. I didn't want him to think that I was censoring my behavior around him. At the end of the night, we had a talk about how we both still had feelings for each other. He told me that as much as he wants to be with me, he just can't commit to me right now and that a relationship is exactly where it would be heading. He kept saying that he was afraid of hurting me. I told him that I wasn't trying to pressure him, and he said that I wasn't doing that at all. I could tell that he was extremely conflicted and it was taking everything out of him not to kiss me. I tired to calm him down by telling him that I wasn't going anywhere. I honestly believe that if whatever it is between us is real, then its not going anywhere. I told him that whenever he is ready, I'll be here.

So I guess, the reason that I'm on this forum is to find out what I do now? How do I be supportive? I know dating him is not an option at this point. I completely respect that he needs to work on himself and put his sobriety first. But, I don't know what that means for me. Do I stay in his life and try to be his friend? Is that too distracting? Or is it better to try to distance myself? We do work together, so its not like I can completely avoid him. I'm also worried that if I distance myself, he will think that its because I don't care, which clearly isn't the case. I thought about inviting him out to go bowling with friends or just fun activities that we could all do sober. I'm not exactly a drinker and neither are my friends so taking alcohol out of the picture is not a big deal. However, because we both have feelings for each other, would this make things worse? I genuinely want whats best for him. I'd love to hear advice from anyone that may have experienced a similar situation.

LifeRecovery

RyRy123

What did you need from friends and loved ones when you were in the process of recovering? How did you want and need support? What did not assist you in recovery? Did people changing their own relationship with food assist you in your recovery?

I have been working on my ED recovery for a long time now. While in recovery I met, loved and married a problem drinker.

There were similarities and difference between both our addictions and the causes and supports that we needed.

One thing I struggled with was the fact that I should not be DOING anything for an adult that they are capable of doing for themselves. I also did a lot of things that I though would be "Helpful," without it being asked or requested. That was not respectful to either of us. I made a lot of assumptions that if it worked for me it would work for him. If I changed myself to make life "perfect" for him it would help him to not drink. That is me stepping into something that is not mine to manage or control.

Finally where is your recovery now? What kind of support do you have in place? The best piece I found for myself is always to come back to good self-care so I can make the best decisions for me. Two people NOT in recovery make a challenging combination. It is only when my recovery is in place that I have a clear enough mind/heart to appropriately give to another.

redatlanta

Gee been there. Not with an addict in recovery take that part out. The instantaneous "BAM" and in my experience its a huge red flag I would run from.

When a "relationship" begins with reasons why you can't date, its not a good sign.
When a person who is interested in you tells you repeatedly they are afraid of "hurting" you - BELIEVE THEM, he means it, he WILL hurt you. He has done it to others.

The best that you can do is move along and forget a romantic relationship. He is struggling with what appears to be a multi faceted addiction from heroin to alcohol, then binging on adderall. Additionally, getting into a relationship before one year sober is strongly not recommended.

You sound like a really sweet and caring person. You are pretty hung up on the guy, and the chemistry between the two of you. I can't tell you how to be around a person who you are very interested in, is very interested in you, do things "as friends", and not eventually end up where you both say you don't want to go. You will end up there, you are playing with fire.

I can tell you over and over again to stay away from this - truly - I promise, this has disaster written all over it. I suspect he needs a quite a bit of time in recovery, probably more than a year, before he will be relationship material.

Sounds like you can be honest with him- its not fair to either of you to continue to put yourselves in situations where you end up like you did the night of your birthday. You should take heed of his warning about hurting you - I bet his history is riddled with women who have had to go to therapy after he disappeared or dropped them like a hot potato.

Take some time and read through the threads here about life with an addict and alcoholic. There is a recent thread about "would you date someone in recovery"?

Date other people, go on with life. When you aren't so focused on him then you probably can "just" be friends.

Thomas45

I'll say this as gently as possible, but if he is using some kind of mind-altering drug, he is not in recovery.

Real recovery, real sobriety, involves complete abstinence so that all those feelings, emotions, and memories that he has been repressing through substance abuse can come to the surface and be confronted in a healthy way, with a clear mind. Switching from one drug (opiates) to another (alcohol) to another (adderall) is the hallmark of an active addiction that is still in control of the person.

If there's only one thing that you truly absorb that he's saying, let it be this: when he says that he doesn't want to hurt you, he is speaking from the realization of past experience. He knows what happens to his relationships when his addiction is active, he knows what the disease does to his inter-personal connections, he has dealt with the repercussions in the past. Believe him!

dandylion

RyRy.....I am going to give you some very practical advice.....with the emphasis on "practical"....lol....

Start looking for a job in another company or in a different part of town, .....and,
start dating other guys.

dandylion

Eauchiche

The only time I dated someone I worked with was a total disaster. Maybe this is just the trump card you need to exit this merry-go-round.

dandylion

Yes, Eauchiche.....I learned the perils of dating someone that one works with---the Hard way!! I did it when I was still nieve to this.....
If one is desirous of doing this...I think that one of the parties needs to be able to relocate their employment.

dandylion

CentralOhioDad

I think you need to respect his wishes and let him work his plan. The journey is tough enough on him without outside distraction. Your best way to support him is to leave him to his recovery. He could just as easily relapse, and then yo'll be in for a circus that you want no part of.

Just my 2 cents

August252015

This all sounds emotionally draining and a recipe for disaster in a lot of ways. Not the least because you are embroiled in a lot of if/then scenarios.

How do those make you feel now? If good at the root of it, then keep trying to find a way to make this relationship work. If not, and you are apprehensive (it seems so), conflicted (again, yep) .... maybe you're really telling yourself it's not a good idea to pursue this.

I am not sure you can legitimately be his friend in terms of socializing, and continuing to get emotionally involved, that kind of friendship - it will likely lead to "more." But you can be cordial and friendly at work and keep it there. Maybe you need to tell him exactly that.

Good luck.

NYCDoglvr

Yes. First, it's important to understand that the vast majority of alcoholics don't stay sober. According to a shrink friend who works at a rehab, it's roughly ten percent who make it to a year. Second, getting sober is a huge challenge and you could be a distraction.