Erod

Like I mentioned a few weeks ago, I have 26 years sober. Only saying this so you all can understand where I'm at. Well a week ago Friday he pulled the I don't want to talk you for awhile. so don't expect to hear from me. I'm working AL Anon but I have to say all this abuse is getting to me. I have a broken heart and crying is my only way out. This roller coaster ride is UN-believeble one minute were still going to get married the next he's telling me he doesn't like me at the moment and I wont' be hearing from him in awhile. My Mom a once active Al-anon praise God she planted my seed Keep telling me to let it in one ear and out the other and that take it out on the ones they love the most. I swear this man is so full of anger and to me anyways he's yet to see his anger is directed at me. I know by all of this He's has so much work to do but I'm coming here for the understanding of MY feelings. I'm trying to detach the best I know how (keep busy) but WOW, this guy has got me going in circles. I've been very nice to him always so I come here to state how I'm really feeling not to jeopardize his Sobriety. Yes I'm only human so sometimes I think IS there another woman. Then I keep putting myself BACK in check with Al-anon and pray a lot that in the end all will be well. It kills me inside to hear hw angry he seems to be with ME. I again have to keep reminding myself he angry with HIM self and not me. I'm also feeling like he has some real Narrsosistic traits I wasn't even aware of until now. I swear I want to just defend myself to him and tell him all the hurt feelings he has caused but I won't. I also fear in the end he will lave me for good. I keep praying that someday he will see our higher power put me in his life as a go between to sobriety. I just can't help but feel at the moment I'm going to get the short end of the stick here. With that said Again I keep praying that if it should happen I just have the love and strength to be grateful I could help another sick and suffering Alcoholic. My last relationship I went through the ringer as well. He didn't sober for 7 years after we split but he is today, whether he goes to meetings and such I have no idea but I'm scared this time because this man is truly the love of my life. I have never been so myself and comfortable around someone before. UGGG!! I'm driving myself crazy here. Trying to stay rational isn't easy when another person is not. You all rock. Will come back in a while and see your posts.

Thomas45

My only advice is postpone the marriage. Marrying somebody is not a magical cure-all that suddenly makes everything peachy and guarantees his best behavior. A marriage is a promise on a piece of paper and a piece of jewelry, that's it. Words are wind; actions speak far louder than words. A promise is only as good as an individual's ability to follow through on that, and right now it doesn't sound at all like you trust him.

Erod

No, NO. NO Thomas. This post was never about marriage. Heck 26 years sober that won't be happening until he gets some serious time under his belt. Although my statement said another women I don't believe that in heart but his actions are so off the wall while in Rehab. he's got me thinking crazy. I came here for support as NOT to lash out at him in way shape or from as I know this would not help him in recovery but boy am I getting a beating as well.

Thomas45

Sorry, I must have misinterpreted. When you said "This roller coaster ride is UN-believeble one minute were still going to get married the next he's telling me he doesn't like me at the moment" I thought that meant you were still considering going ahead with marriage.

Hopeworks

Marriage is creating a legal organization like a corporation where you become a single entity. Marriages are often temporary while divorces are messy and forever

Red Flags are not party favors so don't collect them! Time is your friend and looooong engagements with recovering A's is so very, very wise. If it's meant to be and he is one of the few that achieve healthy happy sobriety a wedding knowing that you know will be worth the wait!

dandylion

Erod.....there is nothing you can do to ruin his sobriety....if he really wants to stay sober, FOR Himself.....he will do it ...no matter what!
It is not your job to keep him sober.....

Rockyballbuster made a very good thread, today (Alcoholic Relationships).....it makes some very good observations about the natural history of alcoholism...that I think everybody should be aware of , if they have an alcoholic in their life.....
You might want to check it out.....

Honestly, I don't think that Thomas's intention is to "give you a beating".....I think that he is trying to think of your future happiness, in the big picture.....

Thomas45

That's pretty much where I come from. I have a habit of being blunt, but I mean it with the best intentions when I'm posting on here, not to make anybody feel bad.

Erod

O.k. I take total responsibility for saying way to much in this post. I wrote to much and the focus of the post wasn't marriage. I was trying to give an example of how he's all over the place with me. after almost two months he's ripped my head off 3 times and hung up on me. then the next call will be how much we love each other and were still getting married. S rather then say what I'd really like to say to him,.. I come here for support so I don't jeopardize his sobriety. I know in my heart he's trying to find an excuse to Drink and I won't be the person to do that. I can still see he's pointing the finger and not looking at himself. Seems he has so much anger inside He lashed out at me. It's extremely hurtful but I'm going to still bit the bullet.
Thomas no worries.... I wrote more then needed to be.
Seems at times he just HATES me and I know in my heart of hearts that's not true but it still hurts when he gets mean. My heart feels like it's broken but I keep hanging on to the nice words he has said while in there.

Erod

how do I get to Rockyballbusters post? Thanks.

Mountainmanbob

It really does not sound like he is ready for marriage.

Mountainman

dandylion

ERod....Rockyballbuster's thread is about 6 threads down from yours on the main page....."AH Relationships"......let us know if you can't find it......

What he is saying to you is soo typical of an alcoholic!! Yes, it hurts.....When they want to drink, they can't think about anything else...much less other people's feelings!
These things hurt...they cut deep...and, they leave wounds on the inside.....

dandyliob

honeypig

Erod, here is a link to the thread dandy is referring to: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

Short of holding him down and pouring the liquor down his throat, there is not a thing you can do that would jeopardize his sobriety. HE is the only one whose actions can do that.

It sounds to me like he is using his alcoholism as a weapon, as a means to control you. You keep saying you won't give him a reason to do this or that, but he doesn't NEED any reason to do things other than that he wants to do them. You are being made to dance faster and faster to meet HIS needs, or else...

Nope, doesn't sound right or good to me, my friend.

Erod

Ironically we just spoke and he's in Very good spirits. We talked more like friends then partners but he's making strides. NO love words spoken which hurt since he did chop my head off a week ago Friday night. I keep praying to my higher power that I don't lose this man in the end and all this will be a benefit for us and out relationship. I've always wanted him to get sober and he does seem to be more serious than anything. I can't deny us talking like buddies did'nt hurt once I hang up I started crying. I miss the words of love between us. He was very open to my thoughts about sobriety since I have 26 years and THAT has never happened before so I do see a little progress. I'm so fearful I'm going to lose him forever yet I want to be happy for his journey and hopefully his sober life. I've been through ALOT of heartache in my life but I have to say this it right up there to losing a loved one but he's still alive and if I end up not a part of his life I don't how I'll find the strength to get through this even when I tell myself God put Him in my life so I could guide him and that was my ONLY part. I'm trying so hard to stay IN the day but it's hard when you to say 'I love you" but don't feel as though it's something he may want o hear right now. I'm EVEN confused if we are even considered a couple in his eyes. Over time I know all things will come out but I don't want to ask in fear he may not know himself and say whatever comes to mind first. I can't STOP hurting. This is the man I've wanted all my life. We have such a Great relationship. Over the past five years we've had months at time with him sober and we are like two peas in pod and I think if it's not US in the End I won't have the strength to be happy for what we once had.

Cyranoak

Erod, please consider Alanon. Sobriety is great for sobriety, but it isn't that helpful, as you are experiencing, when dealing with an alcoholic. However, Alanon is all about dealing with alcoholics. Please give it a chance. Like AA meetings, you can find them most places.

Marriage will not cure him and, if he keeps drinking and you marry him, you might forfeit all or part of your life in the marriage-- you will never get those years back-- ever.

Good luck.

Erod

I go to Al anon. I think I should have added this to my last thread and not started a new one. I think this has made many confused. He's in Rehab. This post was never meant to revolve around marriage. I was just posting an example of his roller coaster ride and looking for some shoulders to support me.

redatlanta

I feel your pain and its very hard.

The support we advise is to get yourself mentally to a place where you aren't controlled by codependent thinking which is evident in your post. You feel that you could jeopardize his sobriety, you also feel that you want to help other alcoholics.

Your history indicates that this is not your first go round with a difficult relationship - I am curious if you have been involved with other alcoholics prior to your current BF?

Additionally, just because your BF is in a rehab doesn't give him the authority to treat you badly, lash out at you, hang up the phone on you or anything else. Sure, early sobriety is tough and I do get he is going through a lot, but you aren't the doormat.

I think you should pay attention to your feelings of "getting the short end of the stick". I am not saying you will, but that its very obvious you have put a lot into the relationship and really put up with a lot of crap. Of course its natural to want to get a return on your investment.

However, as you stated you have "hurt feelings you would like to discuss wit him" and you aren't. You are continuing to take his calls and deal with his rollercoaster conversations never knowing if today will be a good day, or if today you will get chewed out. This is not acceptable behavior, why are you putting up with it?

Erod

Rd I can't believe you said this because I did after his last outburst a week ago Friday texted him back saying "I realize you may have deep seeded emotions right now BUT this is your 3rd time having an out burst at me and hanging up and I don't feel I deserve any of these actions. I've always treated you with respect and hope you may consider doing this with me in the future." He never responded (of course) but when we spoke yesterday He was very cordial and like I mentioned almost like talking t a friend not my BF. What hurts is I'm trying very hard to let go of some hurtful things he has said during these outbursts and that's the hard part they keep rewinding over and over. It's funny if he was drinking I would say in my head "stick and stone will break my bones but names will never hurt me" I know sounds childish but it always worked. I seem to be forgetting just because he's not drinking (in Rehab) "DOESN'T mean the same mentality ISN"T there. Wow, I think I finally broke the barrier here. The Light went ON!!! Thanks so very much Red for your kind words. Its funny in tow of the outbursts he said
"I don't like you right now" a sure sign of his inner feeling about himself. I didn't force him in Rehab he packed his packs and said he was going ON his OWN!! I think he sees me as the person that planted the seed and right now resents me for it. Lets hope someday he sees it all differently. I know one thing whenever he gets sober he plays "the Freedom card and no one is going to ell what I can do" when I think abut it I kind of laugh because that one thing I never did I let him get into his own jackpots.

hopeful4

I am even more concerned with your saying he is exhibiting signs of narcissistic traits. That is not something that is cured, it is a life long personality disorder. I think you deserve more.

Many hugs.