Struggling Today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Struggling Today
Hi All,
I am truly struggling today. My brother is a meth addict. His choices have affected the lives of TEN children (8 of his own and 2 of his wife's with which he has 1 child with). His wife, is a recovering drug addict who has managed to stay clean for 3 years. Her problem is she kept chasing my brother around hoping she could change him. My mom and myself kept telling her over and over and over again that she was going to lose her children if she kept being with him. The inevitable happened and 3 of her children and 1 of my brother's children were removed from them by CPS.
I feel so horribly for the kids. One of my brother's children that he had with another girl (along with 6 others) will be taken care of by her grandmother who has 3 of my brothers other kids.
My brother's current wife has no reliable family to care for her 3 kids while she tries to get them back. I am struggling with guilt for taking myself out of the equation to care for the youngest who is only 1 and is the only child of hers that I am related too. I look at him and feel so terribly sad for him.
I have set a boundary that I will not be a part of my brother's life at all anymore until he makes amends for what he has done to his family. His terrible choices have caused a huge burden on so many people that I feel like talking to him at this point, or even showing any support, is just wrong.
I can't understand his choices.
I am truly struggling today. My brother is a meth addict. His choices have affected the lives of TEN children (8 of his own and 2 of his wife's with which he has 1 child with). His wife, is a recovering drug addict who has managed to stay clean for 3 years. Her problem is she kept chasing my brother around hoping she could change him. My mom and myself kept telling her over and over and over again that she was going to lose her children if she kept being with him. The inevitable happened and 3 of her children and 1 of my brother's children were removed from them by CPS.
I feel so horribly for the kids. One of my brother's children that he had with another girl (along with 6 others) will be taken care of by her grandmother who has 3 of my brothers other kids.
My brother's current wife has no reliable family to care for her 3 kids while she tries to get them back. I am struggling with guilt for taking myself out of the equation to care for the youngest who is only 1 and is the only child of hers that I am related too. I look at him and feel so terribly sad for him.
I have set a boundary that I will not be a part of my brother's life at all anymore until he makes amends for what he has done to his family. His terrible choices have caused a huge burden on so many people that I feel like talking to him at this point, or even showing any support, is just wrong.
I can't understand his choices.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think if addiction were simply a choice most of us wouldn’t be here on SR and there would be no need for 12 step meetings, rehabs, counseling, etc.
Believe me I feel your frustration and pain. It helped me to understand addiction better by doing a lot of research and reading here at SR. Addiction doesn’t excuses away bad behaviors or criminal acts by any means but learning that addiction wasn’t a choice helped me wrap my mind around many things a little better.
They don’t drug at us or to us, they just do what addicts do.
It’s sad when woman struggle and can’t let go of a man at the cost of losing her children, to me that’s a choice. She chose a life with an active drug addict over a healthy life for her children.
This 1 year old is very lucky to have you!!!
This is such a hard disease to understand and one filled with so much hurt. I think having a healthy boundary in place as you do is the best you can do.
Believe me I feel your frustration and pain. It helped me to understand addiction better by doing a lot of research and reading here at SR. Addiction doesn’t excuses away bad behaviors or criminal acts by any means but learning that addiction wasn’t a choice helped me wrap my mind around many things a little better.
They don’t drug at us or to us, they just do what addicts do.
It’s sad when woman struggle and can’t let go of a man at the cost of losing her children, to me that’s a choice. She chose a life with an active drug addict over a healthy life for her children.
This 1 year old is very lucky to have you!!!
This is such a hard disease to understand and one filled with so much hurt. I think having a healthy boundary in place as you do is the best you can do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Atalose - the thing is I can't take the one year old. I have a full time job and just do not have the energy to care for a 1 year old and my 6 year old son at the same time. I also cannot afford day care for him. I cannot leave my profession to help out.
In the past, I have helped with children taken. I struggle with the sadness of not being able to step up and take the 1 year old.
In the past, I have helped with children taken. I struggle with the sadness of not being able to step up and take the 1 year old.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I'm sorry that I read it wrong chronsweet. I don't blame you for not being able to take on another child, it's not your responsibility to anyways. I'm sure if you could you would but life is not always how we wish it to be.
You have to do what is right for you and your child FIRST and FORMOST always!!! And as much as this crappy situation pulls on your heartstrings you are doing what’s best for you and your child.
You have to do what is right for you and your child FIRST and FORMOST always!!! And as much as this crappy situation pulls on your heartstrings you are doing what’s best for you and your child.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
It is always so hard when children are involved, but that doesn't change the fact that you need to do what is best for yourself and for your family. Overextending yourself and causing your own mental and physical well-being to suffer is not what is best for yourself or for your son who needs you.
Setting boundaries is such an important part of our mental and physical well being but I know that it can be so difficult at times. I hope your brother decides to choose recovery soon and what a shame that his wife who is sober still ended up losing her children because she couldn't just let him go. I am a recovering heroin addict and I am a codependent and codependency is as hard to get a handle on as overcoming heroin addiction.
Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Setting boundaries is such an important part of our mental and physical well being but I know that it can be so difficult at times. I hope your brother decides to choose recovery soon and what a shame that his wife who is sober still ended up losing her children because she couldn't just let him go. I am a recovering heroin addict and I am a codependent and codependency is as hard to get a handle on as overcoming heroin addiction.
Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
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