LoveLife0717

My son is a crack addict. He has been living in my garage apartment since he got out of jail six months ago (drug related). He is working every day, paying me rent, buying his own food, paying his own bills, etc. However, the minute I take my eye off him, he runs out to the hood, staying out all night smoking crack. Using every penny he has.

I feel trapped because I am semi-retired and want to do things like maybe leave town for a couple of days to see my sister in another city or go out of town for a weekend trip. He has proven to me that when my back is turned, he is gonna do his crack regardless of the consequences.

My son is 43 years old and I feel like I am taking care of a small child. I can't live like this anymore. I feel like I have no freedom. This is not how I want to spend my retirement.

doggonecarl

You aren't trapped. You can go away.

When you first posted here you were worried about having your son move in with you, that you'd be babysitting him. Well, you let him stay and as predicted you are babysitting him. Yet he still manages to smoke crack.

Since your being there isn't keeping him clean, you might as well leave and do what you want to do. Just make sure your valuables are locked up tight.

JennaRoseMadre

If he was grateful for you being there, clinging to you like a lifeline or a support system and staying clean, then ok. But he's using despite your presence. If he has keys to the house, change the locks. Leave your jewelry or bankbooks with a trusted friend or a safe deposit box. God bless you, you deserve to enjoy yourself.

dandylion

LoveLife.....I would rather see my son back in jail than to be comfortably doing crack while living comfortably on my property.
Tryst me,,,,my mother's heart understands.....but, I believe that you let yourself to be sucked back into the enabling mode....and, to your own detriment as well as his.
If he can pay you rent...he can pay it to someone else...NO?

Really----secure all of your valuables. Change your locks (don't tell him)....

dandylion

oldsoul1122

I'm truly feel for you in this situation. I feel trapped hearing this because I'll need to make a painful decision. I think my son (39) is heading my way to move in and I have to say no. Reading this confirms it. I love him but I don't like him. I may lose him forever but he's caused me so much pain and grief I'm dying inside just thinking about him being here. I threw him out when he was younger and I know I'd just have to do it again. Some never grow up. His life is not my fault, not my responsibility.
I'm going to get some support, people behind me besides just my other one son (who won't help him)......Please get some support! Our time raising is done and we deserve the life we've earned.

AnvilheadII

you are no longer parentally responsible for a 43 year old adult. if he wants to smoke crack, then he shall. regardless of what you do.

you are at the time of your life when you should be doing what YOU want...travel, visit, explore. so go do just that. just make sure he can't get into the house and steal stuff.

LoveLife0717

Thank you all so much for listening! You are all so very right. If he is gonna smoke crack...it doesn't matter what I do. Whether I'm here or not. I am gonna start living my life and doing what I want to do and if he goes back to jail, then so be it. No, he does not have a key to my house and I do keep my valuable things locked up.

I am not gonna babysit this man anymore. I don't think I am enabling him because I am not giving him anything other than a cheap place to live. He can't live anywhere else with a criminal record.

dandylion

I respectfully propose that you are fooling yourself that there is no other place on this planet for him to live...except on your property......
Believe me, he know that is your "hook" and that you want to protect him from the difficult world.....
that is your Achilles heel, dear mother!

There are sober living houses, all across the country...and, they are away from the usual peers.....
The salvation army has shelters all across the country.

When I put my son out of the house...before he got sober....he lived for a while in a tent in the woods behind a shopping center.....

giving him a "cheap" comfortable place to live hasn't stopped him from using.....

By the way, crack costs money...he isn't getting it for nothing.....
That is money that could be directed to rent.....

If you got hit by a damned ole train tomorrow or the property burned down....believe me, he wouldn't stop living....he would find somewhere.....

I am not trying to beat on you , mom, but I do understand the tremendous burden that "mother's guilt" puts on us...and it never...never...helps....it just makes it easier for them to manipulate us.....

dandylion

JennaRoseMadre

Ain't that the truth!!

zoso77

LoveLife...

I see you joined us last summer, but I don't think I've had the privilege of greeting you. So in case I haven't, welcome.

Let me ask you something: what sort of life do you want to life in retirement? And what do you think needs to happen in order to facilitate that?

If you can answer those questions truthfully and honestly, I think you'll be on your way to making that life happen.

In general, we do not have control over people's choices. If your 43 year old son want to slowly kill himself by smoking crack, you can't stop him from doing so. But you also need to remember that you're under no obligation to do anything for him at this point in his life, or your life.

We have moms here who've been through the wringer with their children -- Ann and ilovemysonjj come to mind offhand. I would seek their counsel at this time. Be open to what they share with you. It could very well save your sanity.

Keep us posted.

LoveLife0717

I would love to travel and just relax during my retirement. My problem is that I am so afraid he is gonna end up back in jail again because of the drug use. Everyone says to not let a drug addict have money...but he is working and I can't very well take the money away from him like a child. He has bills to pay, food to buy, etc. I just have this fear that one day he will go to work and just not come home and he will be back with his druggie friends. He told me that they are not only doing crack now, but also Meth.

I did try to put him in the Salvation Army program when he got out of jail, but I believed all of his promises and decided to let him stay here. If he had gone to the S.A. program, he wouldn't have stayed a week and he would have left. I guess I thought I could help him more.

PaperDolls

He's an adult. He needs to make decisions himself and suffer any consequences. He NEEDS that.

I had to kick my own mother out of my house. I understand the pain involved but I wasn't doing her any favors. She did end up getting sober by the way and not because of anything I did or didn't do.

I'm sorry for your pain.

zoso77

I can't say that I directly relate to this, as I don't have children of my own. But I understand the terror of the unknowns. The "what ifs". The fear that if we don't do the right thing, the addict is doing to do something awful.

But what you have to understand, LoveLife, is it doesn't make a difference what you do or don't do, and that's because your son is going to do whatever the hell he wants, when he wants, and screw the consequences to himself or to anyone else. You can't help him. You can't prevent him from making poor decision. And the longer you believe otherwise, and the longer you hang onto him, the longer it will take you to live the life that you have earned.

He's 43 years old. If he wants to self destruct, you may not like it, but that's his choice. And with choices come consequences. Sometimes the best thing we can do for our children is to allow them to experience the consequences of adulthood firsthand.

oldsoul1122

I wouldn't allow illegal drugs in my home. If he goes down for them I think you would to. Another reason my son can't be here.

AnvilheadII

I would love to travel and just relax during my retirement. My problem is that I am so afraid he is gonna end up back in jail again because of the drug use.

your choices for your life.
his choices for his life.

he's over FORTY YEARS OLD. continuing to try and intervene and soften the blow of his consequences, just keeps you enmeshed in his drug addict life. and it hasn't FIXED him. because it is no longer your job to do so.....

place him in the hands of his Higher Power and give him the dignity to live his life and follow his own path, no matter how dark and scary the woods along that path might seem. you are wasting the precious life YOU were granted.

dandylion

LoveLife....he is safer in jail than going down the tubes with crack.....they do have programs and supervision if he were to get on probation.....

;You can't help him more than the Salvation Army.....but, you can enable him more than they do.....

dandylion

F50Lurker

I want to make sure you heard everyone's advice/warning to protect your valuables, change your locks, etc. A crack addict WILL steal from his own family to support his habit. Do not put anything past him, protect yourself and your things. And I agree that if he can pay rent to you, he can pay rent somewhere else. Good luck.

Ann

I have been where you are, many times, and my heart and prayers go out for you.

The thing is, if you "wait" for him to do anything...get clean, find his own place, take responsibility for himself...you will be waiting a long long time.

And if you go away and leave your house unattended, you very well may come home to an empty house. I know, I once returned and my TV, VCR, stereo, heirloom Royal Doultons (from my mother)...all gone. I HID my jewellery and he found it and pawned some pieces that meant a lot to me. I say this because I am afraid for you and your things if you leave.

My son turned my home into a war zone...or perhaps an insane asylum...but it was awful and nothing changed until "I" changed and said "enough".

My son used drugs while living in my home, that was a deal breaker and he put himself out by doing that. Not an ounce of guilt on my part...he had choices and chose drugs. Fair enough...goodbye.

Please find your courage soon, before you lose thousands of dollars and your home is no longer safe for you. You have the right to live peacefully in your own home, alone without addiction. It is your life to enjoy when you find the courage to say "enough, goodbye."

Where will he go? The Salvation Army has free rehabs with very good programs. There are hostels if he chooses not to get sober. If he is working then maybe he will have to spend his money on accommodation and food instead of drugs. He has choices that don't include you, so don't let the guilt get to you.

My heart hurts for you, I hope you make the changes you need soon.

Hugs

LoveLife0717

No, No! I never said he does drugs in my home. I would never allow that. I said he goes off to the hood and does them with other crack users. He's gone for a couple of days.

It just breaks my heart. I guess I just want him to be more like his brother that is such a huge success.

AnvilheadII

we have to love AND ACCEPT our kids AS THEY ARE. he is NOT his brother, he is who he is.

i sent my daughter (she's 33 now) to a very expensive jesuit university, she had a double major and a minor, graduated "*** laude" and today has a job that has NOTHING to do with any of those degrees. i "could" have been disappointed, but instead i embraced who she is.

let him be who is he is now, you don't have to LOVE that he's a drug addict, but it is part of who he is NOW. perhaps if you quit trying to change him into something closer aligned to YOUR dreams, he'll feel more free to truly be himself. ???

i was an only child and it was apparent fairly early on that i did not live up to my mother's expectations. i was a disappointment. so i acted out. i went about proving my LACK. i would never measure up. so why bother? and that is a horrid concept to have as a "child" - to not be good enough, why can't you be more like <<fill in the blank>>, to be be told i could be so much better if i would only apply myself.

it wasn't until my mom died, when i was in my 30's, that i actually felt FREE. and that is a pretty sad statement. she died of liver failure due to alcoholism. and yet let me know to pretty much her dying day that i was not good enough.