The Sense Of Dread....
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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The Sense Of Dread....
Today I shared with my Lady, this sense of Dread that greets me most days lately.
It's nothing new, really. Been there for a long time. 20+ years at least.
Right now, I associate it with the feeling that an upcoming court date for a custody motion I have filed is hurtling at me and I have not done all the necessary paperwork and preparation. That several work deadlines are hurtling at me, and I'm behind on doing the work for them. That an upcoming class I'm teaching for kids on computer coding is hurtling at me, and I'm not yet prepared. That, in general, I am stretched and ill-prepared and feeling crushed by it. That, in general, I feel over-committed. And that, underlying it all, there is a sense that I'm not really doing with my life what I WANT to be doing with my life... yet I'm not clear just what the hell that IS???
I mean, I'm fathering, I'm contributing to the community, I'm in a strong and positive relationship, I'm experiencing my life, I'm staying healthy, I'm sober. All of these are good, positive, I'm grateful for them.
Yet..... always it feels there's something more. Some missing piece. Something that leads me - frequently - to say out loud almost involuntarily; "WHAT AM I GONNA DO???".
But then I acknowledge it, and I respond with the goodness in my life. I say with a smile "you're going to keep DOING what it is you're DOING. You're going to live. You're going to be there with and for your family. You're going to experience and grow and contribute and you're going to do it all the best you can and with a good atitude and gratitude..."
Maybe the Sense Of Dread is a continuing part of the human condition. Maybe it is something that comes along with addiction. Maybe it's a gentle form of the edge of depression that I've carried for many years. Maybe it's.... who knows?
But the Sense Of Dread won't lead me to drink. That's far more dreadful. The Sense Of Dread isn't as powerful or awful as it was in the wake of a weekend's worth of drugs. The Sense Of Dread subsides more readily nowadays, when I choose to focus my attention elsewhere.
Maybe the Sense Of Dread is my AV.... wishing it wasn't being forced to live life without its highs... without its artificial solution.
Anyone else know The Sense Of Dread?
Well, The Sense Of Dread's not gonna get me down....
It's nothing new, really. Been there for a long time. 20+ years at least.
Right now, I associate it with the feeling that an upcoming court date for a custody motion I have filed is hurtling at me and I have not done all the necessary paperwork and preparation. That several work deadlines are hurtling at me, and I'm behind on doing the work for them. That an upcoming class I'm teaching for kids on computer coding is hurtling at me, and I'm not yet prepared. That, in general, I am stretched and ill-prepared and feeling crushed by it. That, in general, I feel over-committed. And that, underlying it all, there is a sense that I'm not really doing with my life what I WANT to be doing with my life... yet I'm not clear just what the hell that IS???
I mean, I'm fathering, I'm contributing to the community, I'm in a strong and positive relationship, I'm experiencing my life, I'm staying healthy, I'm sober. All of these are good, positive, I'm grateful for them.
Yet..... always it feels there's something more. Some missing piece. Something that leads me - frequently - to say out loud almost involuntarily; "WHAT AM I GONNA DO???".
But then I acknowledge it, and I respond with the goodness in my life. I say with a smile "you're going to keep DOING what it is you're DOING. You're going to live. You're going to be there with and for your family. You're going to experience and grow and contribute and you're going to do it all the best you can and with a good atitude and gratitude..."
Maybe the Sense Of Dread is a continuing part of the human condition. Maybe it is something that comes along with addiction. Maybe it's a gentle form of the edge of depression that I've carried for many years. Maybe it's.... who knows?
But the Sense Of Dread won't lead me to drink. That's far more dreadful. The Sense Of Dread isn't as powerful or awful as it was in the wake of a weekend's worth of drugs. The Sense Of Dread subsides more readily nowadays, when I choose to focus my attention elsewhere.
Maybe the Sense Of Dread is my AV.... wishing it wasn't being forced to live life without its highs... without its artificial solution.
Anyone else know The Sense Of Dread?
Well, The Sense Of Dread's not gonna get me down....
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow. Thank you for posting this. I can only say that I am going through my life with this same feeling. I don't drink, so I know it's not that, but just like every other person, we all carry something on our shoulders. I fear my X will eventually take me to court for custody issues. While I am the best mom I can be, everything just seems to fill me with dread, it's like it's playing in a loop in the back of my mind 24/7.
I also try to focus my attention elsewhere. It got really bad a couple of months ago. I was having panic attacks over some things going on in my life. I've never had full blown panic attacks before, the shaking, sweating, not being able to breathe kind. It was awful. I too feel like I am doing all I can. I contribute, I am a good mom, I spend lovely time with friends and family. I don't know what else to do to minimize it.
Last week I visited my pastor. He was helpful and I will be meeting with him each week for a while. Hopefully that will help. I won't let this control my life, but I sure do wish I could get that loop to stop going on in my brain.
Truly, thank you so much for sharing this. It's as close to what I am experiencing as I have ever had described to date. It's nice to know I am not alone.
I also try to focus my attention elsewhere. It got really bad a couple of months ago. I was having panic attacks over some things going on in my life. I've never had full blown panic attacks before, the shaking, sweating, not being able to breathe kind. It was awful. I too feel like I am doing all I can. I contribute, I am a good mom, I spend lovely time with friends and family. I don't know what else to do to minimize it.
Last week I visited my pastor. He was helpful and I will be meeting with him each week for a while. Hopefully that will help. I won't let this control my life, but I sure do wish I could get that loop to stop going on in my brain.
Truly, thank you so much for sharing this. It's as close to what I am experiencing as I have ever had described to date. It's nice to know I am not alone.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Truly, thank you so much for sharing this. It's as close to what I am experiencing as I have ever had described to date. It's nice to know I am not alone.
I actually believe that maybe a lot more humans are wandering around with these sort of feelings than ever admit them - even to themselves.
Maybe it's a part of the disconnectedness of these modern times from basic purpose, from tangible activities with clear objectives, from intimacy with other humans.....
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I wonder this myself. Maybe I have had this for years and am just now far enough in my own education about mental health, etc, that I am just realizing it. If so, ignorance is bliss LOL.
I come from a family of worriers. My dad especially, and I can see it in my sister as well. My dad is in the early stages of alzheimers, so it manifests really badly now with him. Drives my poor mom crazy.
I also agree about the disconnectedness. I come to my job every day, live in a nice town, raise my kids, all of that. I feel like I should be doing something greater than this in the big scheme of things, but for the life of me cannot figure out how. So for now, I am starting small. I am going to donate my time in more things, lead where I can, give back where I am able. It's a start.
I come from a family of worriers. My dad especially, and I can see it in my sister as well. My dad is in the early stages of alzheimers, so it manifests really badly now with him. Drives my poor mom crazy.
I also agree about the disconnectedness. I come to my job every day, live in a nice town, raise my kids, all of that. I feel like I should be doing something greater than this in the big scheme of things, but for the life of me cannot figure out how. So for now, I am starting small. I am going to donate my time in more things, lead where I can, give back where I am able. It's a start.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 32
I'm all too familiar with the Sense of Dread. Gets worse if I drink, but it's always there. Not sure it's my AV cuz I've had it since childhood, but it seems to be best friends with it. Lately the Dread has been so strong that I freak out inwardly over the smallest everyday tasks. Not sure how to get rid of it, but I do know that drinking makes it much worse. I let it bully me into flushing 8 days of sobriety down the drain last night. Can't allow that anymore.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation" springs to mind from some college text... It's sort of bleak but it also spoke to me when I read it 30 years ago.
As a sober person the cheap fix is not available so we have to go deeper into how we intend to live lives that provide real meaning to us. For me it has become about living honestly in all ways and thereby creating real relationships.
It will likely be a lifelong undertaking figuring out what that means for me and it is hard work but I maintain hope...
Best
J
As a sober person the cheap fix is not available so we have to go deeper into how we intend to live lives that provide real meaning to us. For me it has become about living honestly in all ways and thereby creating real relationships.
It will likely be a lifelong undertaking figuring out what that means for me and it is hard work but I maintain hope...
Best
J
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi FO, I think its part of the human condition for some of us. If all obligations are being fulfilled for you, then it is just that "a sense", it is false, it is not a reality. You sound well adjusted, I'm sure you can manage it. If it became crippling, I would dig a little deeper as to the root cause.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Nice topic FreeOwl!
I know the sense of dread well. Sometimes it hits me in my gut. Sometimes it's this gray cloud overshadowing my vision and other senses. I have found it helps to verbalize about it to someone or to write about it. That gets the feeling out there instead all inside me where it tends to make me anxious about something that is not even happening...(the sense of 'dread' would add the 'yet' here).
I know the sense of dread well. Sometimes it hits me in my gut. Sometimes it's this gray cloud overshadowing my vision and other senses. I have found it helps to verbalize about it to someone or to write about it. That gets the feeling out there instead all inside me where it tends to make me anxious about something that is not even happening...(the sense of 'dread' would add the 'yet' here).
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
What is this sense of dread? When you look it straight in the eye what do you see?
I had to do this early in my sobriety. Within the first few years anyway. I had to ask myself, what was it exactly that I was sensing.
To be sure, a part of it was depression. I've had to deal with various degrees of it (off and on) for a very long time. But there was something deeper than this. There was something more than just the feeling, the emotion. It took me a long time to understand that the emotion was the result of a deeper problem.
The solution had to do with finding a sense of meaning in what I was doing. I can't tell you how to do this. Or rather I could, but you likely would reject it as well as what I've just told you. I believe people need to find your own sense of meaning, and to find it in their own unique way.
One of the things that started me on the right path was the first sentence of an ancient text. I found it very enlightening. It states, "That which exists through itself is called meaning".
All the best.
I had to do this early in my sobriety. Within the first few years anyway. I had to ask myself, what was it exactly that I was sensing.
To be sure, a part of it was depression. I've had to deal with various degrees of it (off and on) for a very long time. But there was something deeper than this. There was something more than just the feeling, the emotion. It took me a long time to understand that the emotion was the result of a deeper problem.
The solution had to do with finding a sense of meaning in what I was doing. I can't tell you how to do this. Or rather I could, but you likely would reject it as well as what I've just told you. I believe people need to find your own sense of meaning, and to find it in their own unique way.
One of the things that started me on the right path was the first sentence of an ancient text. I found it very enlightening. It states, "That which exists through itself is called meaning".
All the best.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Thomas59
Seems a bit deep to me . What about the old AA quote "keep it simple "
But for me, adages are sort of a response to the stuff that drives them.
Saying "keep it simple" doesn't make the sense of dread evaporate. Saying "keep it simple" doesn't mean I don't wake up with these feelings.
"keep it simple", to me, means not ruminating over it and remembering to focus on the things before me.... to reel my thoughts back into the Now. To remember gratitude and to remember goodness.
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