Thlayli

I'll post more later about what's going on currently but our basic info is that AH is alcohol/pot user who stays clean for 1.5-2 years and then does a binge that lasts on and off for a month or so. We've been together for about 8 years and he's had 3 (I think) of these relapses.

My husband thinks it's an invasion of his privacy when I go to my friends or my sister for support when he's relapsed. Part of me feels like that's BS isolation crap but I also don't want to make it uncomfortable for him if he's coming out with me to the theatre or to visit family.

Do you think it's okay to lean on IRL friends/family for support? I have several friends that I talk to but I lie to him about it so he won't feel awkward when he occasionally sees them. Two years ago he "caught" me posting here and had a giant cow even though no one here actually knows either of us. I do see a counselor as well and am back in Al-anon but find it very natural to go to my actual friends.

LeeJane

I find it perfectly normal and acceptable to seek support from friends with this.

SparkleKitty

I am sure it is harder to stay in denial about a problem if the people close to you insist on actually acknowledging and talking about the problem.

I second LeeJane. It is perfectly normal and natural for you to lean on your support system when things are unsteady at home. How he feels about it is entirely his problem.

Liveitwell

^ yep. This. It is entirely his problem.

hopeful4

You deserve a support system

August252015

I think it can be ok to go to irl friends- BUT choose carefully. My mother has shared far too much, imo, with at least one person, one being someone close to her but whom I greatly dislike. I felt violated and had to work through that betrayal.

Yoga

They like nothing more than to isolate you.

It's perfectly normal and healthy to talk to your friends.

LifeRecovery

This was a challenge in not just my relationship with an addict, but in my general life as well.

As I have gotten healthier I am very adverse to secrets and not getting support. I used to be so careful and compartmentalize all my different things so no one would ever see the "big" picture. I thought it was a sign of strength to not share because if I did everyone would see how crazy my life was. In reality it kept me isolated and sick.

Though I continue to be selective in WHO I tell things to, I have found that support helps to divide and dissipate my challenges, and holding onto secrets tends to make them exponentially bigger, and I tend to act out in inappropriate ways (food, controlling, shutting down). I have found recently that I don't remember who in my group of support I have told what to.....I am finding it to be a source of strength....it is a way to establish connection for me, not embarrassment like I thought previously.

Holding my stuff in previously was about shame (both mine and for my love one), letting it out for me is a step toward acceptance and for me mental health. It also lets me work through my stuff instead of ruminating on it to the extreme.

I have had to learn what is mine to tell (my reactions, my struggles, my challenges) and what is not (I had a tendency to tattle tale on others previously and tell their business, not my own). That for me was part of the healing process and a part of Al-Anon and therapy for me that was so important.

For me this is not about extroversion/introversion and more about sharing my life, my challenges etc.

amy55

Hey there,

I would like to know why you even need to ask this question? Of course it's OK to seek outside support.

I felt like this many times. It was like this is my marriage and I shouldn't be talking about it or asking questions. (Shake my head here). It was because I was afraid of how he would react to it. I found out that I was "walking on eggshells".

I feel that when you come to a forum to ask strangers, (or friends and family) about how you should be reacting, or not reacting, I think you already know the answer.
I feel that this is something that is really bothering you, and you need to talk about this.

Many (((((hugs))))))
amy

LexieCat

The only place I would draw the line would be with someone who couldn't be trusted to keep private what should be private--gossips, IOW. You might think about it this way--suppose YOU had a problem he found difficult to live with. An eating disorder, a spending problem, even a sex problem. Men don't talk QUITE as freely to their friends as women do, but if he did have to talk to a friend, would you be OK with it? That's totally different from being the subject of gossip handed around or laughed about over the weekly poker party.

A bit of discretion goes a long way. And if he interrogates you about what you said to anyone, you can simply say that your private conversations with your friends are private, and you don't feel you have to share them with him.

HoldOnLoosely

It's completely reasonable and acceptable to need support...particularly from family and friends.

My STBX considered it a betrayal (his words). Early on, I shared with him the 2 family members I went to for support. A mistake. That came back and bit me in my buttocks. He brought it up it in marriage counseling, with his individual therapist and reminded me of it more than handful of times. *sigh*

Some more time passed, and I opened up to 1 more family member and a friend. More questions and heated conversations with him. I finally set a boundary: I wouldn't discuss my support with him anymore. It was my recovery, and it was none of his business the support I sought. Of course, that didn't go over well, but I had done more than my fair share of JADEing in the hopes he would better understand my need for support from family/friends.

It still bugs him, but I don't say a word... now I only repeat the boundary I set.

Thlayli

JADEing?

atalose

Justify

Argue

Defend

Explain

I couldn't agree more with Holdonloosely..........your recovery and support is none of his business because HE is not part of that support as much as you may want to share things in "hopes" that he gets it or understands your feelings he doesn't and he won't. His disease see's support as a threat, one he must extinguish in order to keep the addiction alive.

Thlayli

I like this phrasing. It's a good reminder. I've found it useful in the past to think of the "addictive voice" concept in RR. It helps me remember that, where drugs or alcohol are involved, I'm not talking with the rational person I want to be...even though he looks just like my AH!

HoldOnLoosely

Be mindful of JADEing . Been there, done that...and, honestly, I still do it sometimes. It's like p*ssing in the wind. Detach instead and set boundaries.