CentralOhioDad

Okay, I'm not trying to get into people's relationships with their SO's, I'm just putting this out there I guess and seeing if I'm more weird than I already think I am.

My AW and I have not had 'relations' in almost 6 years. She had a lot of life-threatening physical issues after DS was born, and it hurt the last time, so we decided to let the body heal. Six months later she started the hardcore drinking and then was passed out every night, so nothing then. That was followed by more drinking, and I lost any desire to have anything to do with a drunk. A few times that I did try to initiate anything, her response was, "Yuck, who needs that anyway?" She had her booze, that was her s*xual partner I guess.

Now to present situation - now that she's been put on this pedestal by her boss/boyfriend wannabe, now she's interested again. He must have stirred up something within her. Anyway, now she's bugging me about it.

Frankly, with her mood swings and the fact she smells like wine every night - I have jo interest whatsoever. She's always had body image issues, so she thinks it's that. No, it's the fact she's an A and passes out on a regular basis, and there is not one thing sexy about any of that.

I just can't generate any interest in that at all. Am I being weird? I've never had a strong drive to begin with, so I don't realky think I'm missing out on much.

Thoughts?

Not an easy subject for me to bring up.

CODad

Wisconsin

This topic does come up on the board from time to time. The same few themes tend to repeat themselves in our relationships.

For me, I wanted a sex life, but my AH refused. He blamed me for that, and he also cut off all physical affection (hugs, kisses, etc.) as a way to punish me for "ruining his life." I did get to the point where even if he HAD been willing, I would not have wanted it, but for the first 18 months of celibacy in our marriage, it was heartbreaking. His drinking pattern was different, though...he usually waited to hit the beer hard until after everyone went to bed, so he wasn't totally wasted when we were all awake and spending time together. Eventually he progressed to the point where he was, but not for quite a long time.

The bottom line is that NOBODY should feel pressured to have sex when they don't want to, regardless of gender. LOTS of people here have experienced what you're going through, and it doesn't make us any less sexual as human beings. This stuff is so inextricably intertwined with the emotional stuff, the abuse, etc. Don't beat yourself up for not being into sleeping with someone who has treated you so poorly.

hopeful4

I had relations with my XAH out of obligation, it was not b/c I wanted to. Just being honest here. Honestly, the mental anguish he put me through brought to light who he is, and sharing that part of myself with someone like him was not something I enjoyed. Completely out of obligation.

He in turn has told his new wife that I did not care that he cheated on me, that we had an open marriage. LOL. I know b/c she asked me about it. Amazingly, she is willing to stay with him even though he lies right to her face, and she admittedly knows it. Wow.

So no, I definitely do not think you are being weird, at all.

Ariesagain

She smells like wine and passes out every night. You're right...there's nothing sexy there, especially as you're pretty convinced her new libido is prompted by her involvement with another man.

Why not tell her exactly that?

Actually, I admire your refusal to be used. Good for you.

firebolt

Yeah, I didn't want anything to do with my ex physically when he was drinking. That was very hard on me. I love sex and think it's an important part of a relationship. Sorry if TMI.

For the first time ever, I found myself wanting nothing to do with it. I had a hard time sleeping in the same room with him because of the smell of what alcohol had done to his body, let alone the drunken flailing, and sloppy hanging on me and overly aggressive grabs. It makes mu shudder that I lived with it as long as I did, and you are exactly right, there is nothing sexy about any of it.

XABF accused me of 'using sex as a weapon." That was hard to hear, especially when I actually love the act. I considered what he said, and luckily my head was in a decent spot thanks to this place when he said it to me.

Umm...no, I'm not using sex as anything, I just don't want to have sex with a mess like that and I have every right to decide that for myself.

Wisconsin

I got a lot of "you equate sex with love" from my AH. And I was always "no, I just LIKE SEX." I never thought that his refusal of sex was a reflection on how much he did or didn't love me. The issue of love (and how toxic and unhealthy our love was) was much more connected to the way he always blamed ME for the fact that he didn't want to have a sex life.

Nero427

The last year of my relationship with my Ex went pretty sex-less. She'd get drunker as the night wore on and I pretty much avoided her, and let her go to bed first by herself. By the time I went to bed she was completely out. Sometimes she would wake up and try to initiate something and get angry when I didn't reciprocate. But she never remembered it in the morning. Then her sleeping patterns became so disrupted I couldn't even sleep in the same bed because of all the flailing about.

FireSprite

A part of how we managed to stay bonded during AH's worst phases was because we still had a very active, healthy sex life. At the height of the very worst of it all, it was possibly the ONLY thing still bonding us.

But eventually even that suffered between that horrid sweat-detox smell & the emotional damage/disrespect I was dealing with outside of the bedroom. I have to say that in your position specifically, I'd be repulsed that she only wanted me as a replacement for someone else/as a 2nd choice. That doesn't inspire me to feel bonded to someone that is supposed to love me & be IN love with me.

I can handle sex being simply sex - but not under some false illusion - only when both parties acknowledge it for exactly what it is..... just a physical act without any expression of love. JMHO.

Liveitwell

This thread is very triggering for me but , here goes....I loved sex...always have. Loved sex with my husband....but over the years of lies, untruths and just downright deplorable behavior, I no longer desired him-at all. He'd always ask why I didn't initiate sex towards the end of our marriage and why I wasn't attracted to him...I literally didn't know where to start-let me see buddy, maybe it was the fact that you drubkenly told me to love you like your mommy does, or maybe it was you telling me when I was 7 months pregnant with your second child that you hated me, wished you had never met me and that you weren't ever attracted to me,...maybe it was when you drunkenly told me how much I f'ing sucked bc I wouldn't perform when you sloppily drug yourself into bed and passed out on top of me....or when discussing sex you brought up your sister one time and how she knew what was best for you and would keep you happy (yeah, then go have sex with her if she gets your engine running so much and is so much more of a woman than me, f**king weirdo), or bc you didn't stop when I told you to. Or because I realized that there was nothing to sex with you anymore-it was just an act-no love behind it/bc you had turned I to a monster. Maybe that's why I no longer desired you, gee whiz. ( I could go on and on but won't-suffice it to say he didn't care why-easier to blame it all on me),

Our sex life was good, great, until it wasnt. I started sleeping on the couch during my second pregnancy....I hated the smell of him, the verbal abuse, the drunk groping so I rarely slept in bed. I was told multiple times that the only thing women are good for is for feeding and fu**ing,...that was told to me multiple times during drunken rages. My skin crawled when he slurred stuff into my ears while we were separated-basically admitting without saying it that he had already been with someone else-and then calling me out in marriage counseling for not wanting to have more sex....gee, I wonder why.

See, only I got to see his true self and demon nature-so sex was pretty much nothing for the last part of our marriage-and of course I was blamed for that as well...

Currently I want nothing to do with sex for a long time-and I do miss it, badly. But I will never again be used by someone, and that's what sex was to him-a tool, using someone. His abuse and lies made me never want to be touched by anyone again, but I know that will be healed as well.

You are not weird, at all.....and btw, that's disgusting that she's now coming onto you after what transpired with her other guy. Gross. YOU deserve soooooooo much better. Seriously.

Hangnbyathread

You're not alone. I finally had enough of forcing myself to have sex with a drunk to keep from getting into more drama.

So she promptly sought it elsewhere. In fact she found it in a fellow AA drunk. Neither of them wanted to actually give up drinking. They were there to appease the problem partner at home. I wasn't crushed by that, just made the rest of the ending of our lives together loads easier to accomplish.

She felt she had her new life prepared to go to, and didn't put up the fight she would have. The new poor bastard did me a favor.

:-)

LeeJane

As a non-drinker, I wouldn't want sex with my drinker husband. The smell and sweat is stomach turning.

LexieCat

this.

Liveitwell

^ yep. I so agree. She should be the one beating herself up for treating you so poorly....not YOU feeling badly for not wanting to sleep with her ( and why on earth would you?!).... That's the point I got to in my marriage as well.

Sotiredofitall

Drinking took its toll on our relationship. We are still married but pretty much roomates not lovers. I couldn't stand the smell and even though he no longer drinks (regularly--he is currently *moderating) I won't go there. Even if he were totally sober not sure I could any more. That*lovin feelin* just isn't there.

Liveitwell

This was my exs twisted nutty abusive logic...

Me: (crying), each day, literally, the only thing you do is sit outside and drink...could you just for one day out of the week (yes, I was asking for one day out of 7), please just hang out with your family-watch a tv show together, something besides you sitting outside and drinking and neglecting all of us?!

Him: (screaming)...FINE-(eyes pierced on me): "I'll give you one f@cking day....but that's all you get.". (In my head: oh my God you are demented)

Me: gee, thanks for caring about your family so much-you never even hang out with your own kids! All you do is drink!

Him: well, if you would have sex with me more I wouldn't have to drink.

BINGO-and there in a nutshell is the crazy insane alcoholic logic. Yes, I so did not wabt to even touch that person-as Hopeful said I complied at the end just out of it being easier than saying no, which he didn't respect either when he was drunk-was violent and aggressive. I literally could not stand the site of him much of the time-he was drunk more than he was sober.

redatlanta

When I was young (I still think I am wink wink) I remember a conversation with an attorney I was working for. He was in his late 40's and getting married again. Somehow we got on the topic of sex, which at the time I thought was the most important thing in a relationship. He said 'nah" - I was shocked!! I man who didn't think sex was the most important thing??? He said in a good relationship, sex is the least important thing. In a bad relationship it becomes very important.

It took me a long time to realize he was making zero admission to his sex life or how often he had sex (which I assumed he was saying they didn't have it much). They could have been screwing twice a day or twice a year the statement wasn't bout quantity . As I have gotten older I have realized the wisdom of it.

Your issues are rooted beyond alcoholism. If your wife stopped drinking tomorrow, while that would be great, I doubt it would heal the marriage. The fact that she is desiring sex now 6 years later, after a fling with her boss is laughable. You don't have an on/off switch on your back.

But, I am also aware that things happen and we try things to just to see, sometimes acquiesce to shut someone up. Sometimes satisfy our own curiosity. Should you end up going down that road I strongly recommend you wear a condom. Wanting sex (in this circumstance) again after 6 years without it is a huge red flag to me.

bluebird418

You are definitely not alone. Regardless of my xAH drinking problem his sex drive was very strong, as in coming onto me 5 times a day. I was so disgusted by his behavior and him he was sleeping in a different room and not getting any. There was a time i thought if i gave in maybe it would change something. But no. Nothing sexy about alcoholism.

Liveitwell

^ that was my ex as well.

Red-you hit the nail on the head. In good relationships, sex is an afterthought-not the most important thing. In bad relationships, it is the most important-and used as a weapon, threat or tool. Btdt. Never going through it again.

bluebird418

This brings up an interesting point. I have a wonderful bf and relationship with him, he doesnt come onto me 5 times a day and it makes me feel insecure because i was used to my gross xAh doing that. Its not the most important thing now, its still great, but we have many important and intimate moments without that.

Liveitwell

^ intimacy is SOOO much more than sex....not even the same thing. Alcoholics are only intimate with their true love, alcohol. I can understand your thoughts about not being groped and come onto multiple times (him thinking he's being all loving while drunk groping-yummy!)....but I think you're doing great and don't have anything to worry about. I look forward to what you have so very much-intimacy, not a drunk horny teenager, which is exactly the mentality of my ex husband