Do alcoholics hurt the people closest to them?
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Join Date: May 2016
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Do alcoholics hurt the people closest to them?
I had been with my boyfriend for three years and he has recently broken up with me and I don't understand why.
I established all too late into our relationship that my bf had an issue with alcohol. When I think about it now he was very smart without me being able to identify an issue. He was 28 and I was 21 and at uni so I was really oblivious to our drinking habits as I was in that stage of life so didn't really notice. When I first me him his body was scared head to toe of where he used to cut himself. 100s of scares. I didn't want to be the kind of person to judge. He tried to cut himself a few times when I first met him while he was drinking but never did. About 6 months into the relationship it got to the point that I had to sit outside of the room and stay awake because he always used to threaten that he was going to gang himself and that now was his time. At the time I didn't really see the logic as I always thought people that were serious about that kind of thing wouldn't say anything and try and string themselves up I front of their girlfriend. Nonetheless it wasn't something I wanted to test out. Always the next day I would get a sookie bf saying sorry and that he was being silly. This would happen on a weekend basis. Eventually it would happen frequently that he would always drink util he dropped. Wherever that was I would always pick him up and put him to bed. One morning I got a call from his brother asking if I was with him as he had a question about the business and he wasn't working that way. Automatically I thought the worst based on what I had previously experienced to go and check on him. To my surprise I got to his house and there was another girl in his arms laying on the lounge with him. I automatically thought the worst. He ended up blaming the girl on his friend and getting upset with his brother because he called me. Followed by him drinking for another 24hrs straight. Skipping time; over the years he has drunk drove at least every week, had a seizure due to drinking for longer than 24hrs straight, flatlines and I get home from work with the police issuing an order for him to go back and he thinks they are trying to Iock him up. I have also had to bailing him out of sobering up facilities because he passed out on the street and the police couldn't wake him. These are just a few incidents over the last three years. And every time he sobers up and feels down about himself; I don't get angry. I always gave him a kiss and a cuddle and would ask how we are going to fix this? Every time, he stops drinking for a few days and has a few non eventful weekends and everything goes back to normal. It was getting to the stage where we couldn't even go to one of his work events and I'd always have to find my own way home because I couldn't stay out and watch him til all hours of the morning.
In the last 12 months of out relationship I found myself always tired and always predicting the worst and worrying what was going to happen. He couldn't even go to a football game with out me having a panic attack because I didn't know where he was going to end up. Every time he wanted friends over for drinks I was scared he wasn't going to stop drinking or he'd get in the car and drive at 3am. I started seeing two people literally. He'd be my adoring bf one second and snap; he was this nasty selfish guy who only worried about his next drink. Didn't care how you got home or if you got home for that matter. I found myself angry and scared. But nonetheless I still loved this guy because I fell in love with the sober guy not the drunk. I didn't want to drop him for a problem that he had. I loved him. I couldn't do that to someone I loved. Picturing a future with.
Just a week ago he kicked me out of his house. Wanting to end a 3 year relationship for being "untidy". For nagging him to spend time with me because he's always out drinking. My job wasn't good enough. I am absolutely heart Broken. After everything I have supported him through. How does that even compare? Was it because I was getting in the way of his drinking? Trying to make him stop? Was I really that bad?
Feeling shattered and heartbroken.
Haas anyone been in a similar situation?
I established all too late into our relationship that my bf had an issue with alcohol. When I think about it now he was very smart without me being able to identify an issue. He was 28 and I was 21 and at uni so I was really oblivious to our drinking habits as I was in that stage of life so didn't really notice. When I first me him his body was scared head to toe of where he used to cut himself. 100s of scares. I didn't want to be the kind of person to judge. He tried to cut himself a few times when I first met him while he was drinking but never did. About 6 months into the relationship it got to the point that I had to sit outside of the room and stay awake because he always used to threaten that he was going to gang himself and that now was his time. At the time I didn't really see the logic as I always thought people that were serious about that kind of thing wouldn't say anything and try and string themselves up I front of their girlfriend. Nonetheless it wasn't something I wanted to test out. Always the next day I would get a sookie bf saying sorry and that he was being silly. This would happen on a weekend basis. Eventually it would happen frequently that he would always drink util he dropped. Wherever that was I would always pick him up and put him to bed. One morning I got a call from his brother asking if I was with him as he had a question about the business and he wasn't working that way. Automatically I thought the worst based on what I had previously experienced to go and check on him. To my surprise I got to his house and there was another girl in his arms laying on the lounge with him. I automatically thought the worst. He ended up blaming the girl on his friend and getting upset with his brother because he called me. Followed by him drinking for another 24hrs straight. Skipping time; over the years he has drunk drove at least every week, had a seizure due to drinking for longer than 24hrs straight, flatlines and I get home from work with the police issuing an order for him to go back and he thinks they are trying to Iock him up. I have also had to bailing him out of sobering up facilities because he passed out on the street and the police couldn't wake him. These are just a few incidents over the last three years. And every time he sobers up and feels down about himself; I don't get angry. I always gave him a kiss and a cuddle and would ask how we are going to fix this? Every time, he stops drinking for a few days and has a few non eventful weekends and everything goes back to normal. It was getting to the stage where we couldn't even go to one of his work events and I'd always have to find my own way home because I couldn't stay out and watch him til all hours of the morning.
In the last 12 months of out relationship I found myself always tired and always predicting the worst and worrying what was going to happen. He couldn't even go to a football game with out me having a panic attack because I didn't know where he was going to end up. Every time he wanted friends over for drinks I was scared he wasn't going to stop drinking or he'd get in the car and drive at 3am. I started seeing two people literally. He'd be my adoring bf one second and snap; he was this nasty selfish guy who only worried about his next drink. Didn't care how you got home or if you got home for that matter. I found myself angry and scared. But nonetheless I still loved this guy because I fell in love with the sober guy not the drunk. I didn't want to drop him for a problem that he had. I loved him. I couldn't do that to someone I loved. Picturing a future with.
Just a week ago he kicked me out of his house. Wanting to end a 3 year relationship for being "untidy". For nagging him to spend time with me because he's always out drinking. My job wasn't good enough. I am absolutely heart Broken. After everything I have supported him through. How does that even compare? Was it because I was getting in the way of his drinking? Trying to make him stop? Was I really that bad?
Feeling shattered and heartbroken.
Haas anyone been in a similar situation?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Have you tried to attend Al-Anon meetings (12-step support group)? It might help you quite a bit to hear from other people on their experiences.
I'm not familiar with being the partner of an alcoholic, but certainly being the child. I'm his "flesh and blood" and I rarely hear from him and wonder if he cares about me at all.
Such is the disease of alcoholism. You don't need to have the disease to suffer from it. I have compared it to dropping an emotional grenade in the middle of a family.
When he is active in the disease, the alcohol will come first, always. In front of you, in front of school, in front of life, in front of himself. He is completely wrapped around the alcohol. However, those of us in Al-Anon? we're wrapped around the alcoholic. All those nights worrying about him, or what's going on - it's probably frayed your nerves.
If you're suffering, please seek out support from what will work for you. Counseling, 12-step support groups, whatever.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. it's very painful.
You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
I'm not familiar with being the partner of an alcoholic, but certainly being the child. I'm his "flesh and blood" and I rarely hear from him and wonder if he cares about me at all.
Such is the disease of alcoholism. You don't need to have the disease to suffer from it. I have compared it to dropping an emotional grenade in the middle of a family.
When he is active in the disease, the alcohol will come first, always. In front of you, in front of school, in front of life, in front of himself. He is completely wrapped around the alcohol. However, those of us in Al-Anon? we're wrapped around the alcoholic. All those nights worrying about him, or what's going on - it's probably frayed your nerves.
If you're suffering, please seek out support from what will work for you. Counseling, 12-step support groups, whatever.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. it's very painful.
You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
To answer your question, no, you weren't the problem-you weren't that bad. In a normal healthy relationship when one partner states a need or a request like, hey, something you did hurt me...that need and request is validated and respected and honored....but none of those happen with an alcoholic. Drinking cones first, all the time.
Please seek out some support for yourself....we have all been in your shoes and having support from people skilled in addiction is critical. YOU will be ok-it may not feel like it now, but you will.
Peace to you!!
Please seek out some support for yourself....we have all been in your shoes and having support from people skilled in addiction is critical. YOU will be ok-it may not feel like it now, but you will.
Peace to you!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Welcome Stephi, and I am so sorry for the reasons that have brought your here.
I second what the others have said. Please get all the support you can and detach from this man. Your only fault is blaming yourself and trying to fix something that was not you problem.
Please read everything you can and educate yourself. This man will almost certainly contact you again and ask you to return. Please do not return unless enters a recovery program and sticks with it for a long time.
Big hug to you. This is incredibly painful to experience as you probably know.
I second what the others have said. Please get all the support you can and detach from this man. Your only fault is blaming yourself and trying to fix something that was not you problem.
Please read everything you can and educate yourself. This man will almost certainly contact you again and ask you to return. Please do not return unless enters a recovery program and sticks with it for a long time.
Big hug to you. This is incredibly painful to experience as you probably know.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
My AH has left me twice now. Our qualifiers are too messed up for anything to be about us....the only real relationship is with himself and his drug of choice.
I love him dearly and I love our life together WHEN HE'S SOBER. He doesn't follow through with actual recovery though so, after a few years, he does the relapse thing again. He hasn't left this time but he's still in the middle of the relapse so, we'll see.
Both the other times I was surprised at how quickly I adjusted and how free I felt when he left. I don't do a lot of things I would do if I were single or if he were social with me because I'm trying to control his drinking and so I was able to more fully have my life and not have to worry about balancing with his needs and compromising.
He only stayed away for about 3 weeks both times. Al-anon, counseling and friends all helped tremendously. I still sometimes ask the questions your asking and my sister quickly tells me to stop trying to make sense out of nonsense.
Are there still threads about Quacking on here? That frame of reference was soooo helpful to me.
I love him dearly and I love our life together WHEN HE'S SOBER. He doesn't follow through with actual recovery though so, after a few years, he does the relapse thing again. He hasn't left this time but he's still in the middle of the relapse so, we'll see.
Both the other times I was surprised at how quickly I adjusted and how free I felt when he left. I don't do a lot of things I would do if I were single or if he were social with me because I'm trying to control his drinking and so I was able to more fully have my life and not have to worry about balancing with his needs and compromising.
He only stayed away for about 3 weeks both times. Al-anon, counseling and friends all helped tremendously. I still sometimes ask the questions your asking and my sister quickly tells me to stop trying to make sense out of nonsense.
Are there still threads about Quacking on here? That frame of reference was soooo helpful to me.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you don't describe a relationship, you describe a nightmare. there were huge red flags from day one...that you chose to overlook. anyone who has 100s of scars all over their bodies from cutting themselves HAS REALLY BIG EMOTIONAL PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES. how the rest played out is not that surprising.
And every time he sobers up and feels down about himself; I don't get angry. I always gave him a kiss and a cuddle and would ask how we are going to fix this? this is actually extremely enabling.....you basically said - it doesn't matter how out of control you get or how poorly you treat me, i'll be here so you can do it again next time. HIS problems were never yours to fix. they are many, deep and varied.
we can't cuddle anyone well. taking their abuse does not help anyone.
i know you can't see it now, but there will come a time when you can see he did you a big favor by ending things.
And every time he sobers up and feels down about himself; I don't get angry. I always gave him a kiss and a cuddle and would ask how we are going to fix this? this is actually extremely enabling.....you basically said - it doesn't matter how out of control you get or how poorly you treat me, i'll be here so you can do it again next time. HIS problems were never yours to fix. they are many, deep and varied.
we can't cuddle anyone well. taking their abuse does not help anyone.
i know you can't see it now, but there will come a time when you can see he did you a big favor by ending things.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Welcome steph. I'd recommend reading through these forums. Living with an alcoholic is very difficult, not sure what your age is but I met my alcoholic husband in my early 20's. Back then I thought I can surely handle his alcoholism. It will get to a point where if you continue the way you do, you will literally have a mental break down. No person can endure the road to hell and be okay.
Take it as a blessing that he broke up with you. Read as much as you can about codependency because the last thing you want to do is meet another addict and fall in love with him.
Take it as a blessing that he broke up with you. Read as much as you can about codependency because the last thing you want to do is meet another addict and fall in love with him.
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