Learning to speak in groups..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: NZ
Posts: 9
Learning to speak in groups..
Hi guys,
I'm a 22 year old male and am currently in the process of pre admission to a rehab centre for 18 weeks. I only have one problem and that is it is a 12-steps based program. Part of the pre-admission requirements is that you go to AA groups which I have been but every time I get asked to speak I just have to say i'm happy to just listen tonight. I sit there with my head down and avoid eye contact like the plague, as soon as the meetings over I am straight out the door. When I do engage in conversation I feel so weird and fake like how's your day been how's work blah blah though I am told that is quite normal I struggle to believe one day that will be normal for me.. I want what I see people have in these groups, I would love to be able to speak but my mind is in a million places during these groups and when I get asked to share its like stage fright. Can anyone else relate? I know they say alot of people have these feelings when they first walk in the rooms but to me it just feels like it's never going to pass and if I am like this when I go into treatment I feel it's not going to be as beneficial as it could be to me..
Awesome idea this site, for someone like me it is great to be able to post this stuff anonymously (I know groups are but at least I can sit behind the keyboard and not have to look at anyone here)
Thanks for reading..
I'm a 22 year old male and am currently in the process of pre admission to a rehab centre for 18 weeks. I only have one problem and that is it is a 12-steps based program. Part of the pre-admission requirements is that you go to AA groups which I have been but every time I get asked to speak I just have to say i'm happy to just listen tonight. I sit there with my head down and avoid eye contact like the plague, as soon as the meetings over I am straight out the door. When I do engage in conversation I feel so weird and fake like how's your day been how's work blah blah though I am told that is quite normal I struggle to believe one day that will be normal for me.. I want what I see people have in these groups, I would love to be able to speak but my mind is in a million places during these groups and when I get asked to share its like stage fright. Can anyone else relate? I know they say alot of people have these feelings when they first walk in the rooms but to me it just feels like it's never going to pass and if I am like this when I go into treatment I feel it's not going to be as beneficial as it could be to me..
Awesome idea this site, for someone like me it is great to be able to post this stuff anonymously (I know groups are but at least I can sit behind the keyboard and not have to look at anyone here)
Thanks for reading..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I think what you are experiencing is pretty normal for someone your age and in active addiction. I am going to make an assumption (which is usually a bad idea) and say that your confidence is probably a little low. With sober time and all that comes with it, I believe you should see improvement. Are you naturally a shy person?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
welcome and good on ya for gettin help! yup, quite normal.many are afraid to open up and be honest about how they feel. it takes courage and when that occurs, people in tne meetings can help, even if its just starting with sayin what ya typed.
at first i was in quite a fog, but after the fog left my mind was a whirlwind. but when i opened up about me- what was going on inside, i felt a lot of relief hearing others had experienced it AND got solutions.
at first i was in quite a fog, but after the fog left my mind was a whirlwind. but when i opened up about me- what was going on inside, i felt a lot of relief hearing others had experienced it AND got solutions.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
This so makes sense to me as I can relate. I found it helpful to remember that they are all just like me in different places with their recovery. Small talk is totally ok in the meeting...and even here on SR 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: NZ
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by thomas11 
I think what you are experiencing is pretty normal for someone your age and in active addiction. I am going to make an assumption (which is usually a bad idea) and say that your confidence is probably a little low. With sober time and all that comes with it, I believe you should see improvement. Are you naturally a shy person?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"I just feel so uncomfortable about the whole thing and it is something I will worry and feel uneven about for the whole day when I know I am going to a meeting that night."
i can relate to that. it was fear, which the program helped me with.
plus my sponsor. brought up this same topic with him once. he said," you were at last saturdays meeting. who read how it works?"
i dont remember."
"what was the topic?"
"i dont remember."
"what was said?"
"i dont remember."
"welp, tom, thats how much people will remember what you say."
i can relate to that. it was fear, which the program helped me with.
plus my sponsor. brought up this same topic with him once. he said," you were at last saturdays meeting. who read how it works?"
i dont remember."
"what was the topic?"
"i dont remember."
"what was said?"
"i dont remember."
"welp, tom, thats how much people will remember what you say."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,781
Hang in there, you'll be fine! I didn't share at meetings for 3 months probably.. You'll know when it's time. Try to get something out of the meetings, if you're called, politely say, "I'll pass".. it's not rude!
Good luck!! I hope your treatment goes well!mYou're young and have your whole life in front of you!! Give it everything you got!! Wishing you the best!
Good luck!! I hope your treatment goes well!mYou're young and have your whole life in front of you!! Give it everything you got!! Wishing you the best!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 457
Welcome, Cosmicspur!
Finding a small group helped me to be able to open up. I am an extreme introvert. I still can't stand the small talk but when it comes to the serious stuff, I sing like a bird. Good luck. This is a good place to practice sharing your thoughts and feelings.
Finding a small group helped me to be able to open up. I am an extreme introvert. I still can't stand the small talk but when it comes to the serious stuff, I sing like a bird. Good luck. This is a good place to practice sharing your thoughts and feelings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: NZ
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by tomsteve
"I just feel so uncomfortable about the whole thing and it is something I will worry and feel uneven about for the whole day when I know I am going to a meeting that night."
i can relate to that. it was fear, which the program helped me with.
plus my sponsor. brought up this same topic with him once. he said," you were at last saturdays meeting. who read how it works?"
i dont remember."
"what was the topic?"
"i dont remember."
"what was said?"
"i dont remember."
"welp, tom, thats how much people will remember what you say."
i can relate to that. it was fear, which the program helped me with.
plus my sponsor. brought up this same topic with him once. he said," you were at last saturdays meeting. who read how it works?"
i dont remember."
"what was the topic?"
"i dont remember."
"what was said?"
"i dont remember."
"welp, tom, thats how much people will remember what you say."
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by DAB
Welcome, Cosmicspur!
Finding a small group helped me to be able to open up.
Finding a small group helped me to be able to open up.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
comicspur, i live in michigan.5 months into recovery i flew(for the very first time in my life) out to kansas. i went to a meeting out there. had some fear kikin and was afraid it would be different than my home group.
after all tbe readings were done and people started sharing i was amaze; people at aa meetings in kansas (used to)drink and thought just like people at aa meetings in michigan!!
after all tbe readings were done and people started sharing i was amaze; people at aa meetings in kansas (used to)drink and thought just like people at aa meetings in michigan!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,576
Cosmicspur - it's wonderful to meet you.
I'm the same way - rather self conscious & hesitant to speak up. I found that drinking actually made my anxiety worse - I grew more confident as I got sober & stronger. I hope the meeting goes well - please let us know. We care!
I'm the same way - rather self conscious & hesitant to speak up. I found that drinking actually made my anxiety worse - I grew more confident as I got sober & stronger. I hope the meeting goes well - please let us know. We care!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 151
most people in an AA meeting are ready to hear anything. say what's in your mind/heart and you shouldn't be judged negatively.
and you shouldn't fear being judged negatively to begin with, few people actually can hurt you. easier said than done, I know.
and you shouldn't fear being judged negatively to begin with, few people actually can hurt you. easier said than done, I know.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
I also agree with notion of baby steps. You can make small goals, like saying hello and introducing yourself to one person you sit next to, or when you feel ready to share just saying "I'm grateful to be here and sober tonight." (Just an example, figure out what might feel right to you.) also don't sweat this if you aren't ready. The important thing is you are going and you are sober! Way to go
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Des Plaines
Posts: 98
If you have social anxiety than there is nothing wrong with seeing a doctor about that and trying medication. Alcohol abuse definitely increases anxiety but if you were always introverted and socially conscious much more than other kids medication might really help. It's most likely the major reason behind my drinking problem.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I agree with everything the others have said, but also wanted to remind you that there is no need to speak if you're not comfortable doing so. If you go to a group where literature is passed along the row of people so each person reads a sentence or paragraph, that could be a good way to get used to hearing your own voice in meetings, as could a simple 'my name is...., I just wanted to say thanks for the meeting'. At first it can sometimes be more important to chat before and after the meeting and in the break, and to actively listen in the shares. And a top tip for chatting in breaks, etc is that it's a lot easier to do that when your helping out out or stack chairs, or wash up cups, or make coffee, or whatever, so try to give a hand with setting up and cleaning up and the conversation will gradually become more natural and easy to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: NZ
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by kittycat3
I also agree with notion of baby steps. You can make small goals, like saying hello and introducing yourself to one person you sit next to, or when you feel ready to share just saying "I'm grateful to be here and sober tonight." (Just an example, figure out what might feel right to you.) also don't sweat this if you aren't ready. The important thing is you are going and you are sober! Way to go
Originally Posted by SickOfIt79
If you have social anxiety than there is nothing wrong with seeing a doctor about that and trying medication. Alcohol abuse definitely increases anxiety but if you were always introverted and socially conscious much more than other kids medication might really help. It's most likely the major reason behind my drinking problem.
Thanks for all the posts again, I am so glad I have found this place.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: canada
Posts: 748
Thanks for sharing here. I can relate so well to your post. You are not alone. From hearing other people share, I believe that what you are experiencing can be quite common. As hard as it may seem right now, it does get better with time and practice.
Here are some ideas you can consider.
1. Decide ahead of time you aren't going to share and will pass if asked. Then you can relax and be present to listen to what other people are sharing.
2. Arrive early so you are one of the first people there. It's easier for me to arrive at a meeting and have the crowd slowly grow around me instead of walking into a room full of people.
3. Plan your share ahead of time and memorize or practice it. It can be a very short share, only a couple of sentences at first. You can start with something as simple as "Hi, my name is X. I'm an addict / alcoholic. Sharing in a group is not easy for me, so for today I'd just like to say I'm grateful to be here to listen to everyone."
4. Engage in a service position that doesn't require talking or sharing but that gets you engaged with the group. For example, ask if you can pass the hat around at 7th tradition time. It's a valuable non-verbal way of participating.
5. Find a small meeting.
Earlier in sobriety I attended very few AA meetings because of exactly what you are talking about. Now I have a home group in a meeting I attend every week. What finally worked for me was to find a small meeting. It's a Step 11 meditation meeting with attendance ranging from 3 to 10 people. The average is probably 5 people. I took a service position as the secretary, and I arrive early to set up so I have an opportunity to introduce myself to people as they arrive. Because the group is small, I have the opportunity to share at almost every meeting. Even if I pass on sharing, as the secretary I have a page to read as part of every meeting, so it still gives me practice talking in a group. It's still not the easiest thing for me to share, but I'm a lot less nervous and uptight now than I used to be and it gets easier to share as time goes along. My shares are usually not long, and I don't feel they are very sophisticated compared to some people; but it's been a great place for me to practice and build self confidence.
I still feel quite lame at small talk, so my first instinct is to make tracks for the door as soon as i can after we close, but I am slowly building relationships with people in my home group and believe that over time I will build more confidence.
You're doing fine. The most important thing is to show up, and the rest will come with time and practice.
Here are some ideas you can consider.
1. Decide ahead of time you aren't going to share and will pass if asked. Then you can relax and be present to listen to what other people are sharing.
2. Arrive early so you are one of the first people there. It's easier for me to arrive at a meeting and have the crowd slowly grow around me instead of walking into a room full of people.
3. Plan your share ahead of time and memorize or practice it. It can be a very short share, only a couple of sentences at first. You can start with something as simple as "Hi, my name is X. I'm an addict / alcoholic. Sharing in a group is not easy for me, so for today I'd just like to say I'm grateful to be here to listen to everyone."
4. Engage in a service position that doesn't require talking or sharing but that gets you engaged with the group. For example, ask if you can pass the hat around at 7th tradition time. It's a valuable non-verbal way of participating.
5. Find a small meeting.
Earlier in sobriety I attended very few AA meetings because of exactly what you are talking about. Now I have a home group in a meeting I attend every week. What finally worked for me was to find a small meeting. It's a Step 11 meditation meeting with attendance ranging from 3 to 10 people. The average is probably 5 people. I took a service position as the secretary, and I arrive early to set up so I have an opportunity to introduce myself to people as they arrive. Because the group is small, I have the opportunity to share at almost every meeting. Even if I pass on sharing, as the secretary I have a page to read as part of every meeting, so it still gives me practice talking in a group. It's still not the easiest thing for me to share, but I'm a lot less nervous and uptight now than I used to be and it gets easier to share as time goes along. My shares are usually not long, and I don't feel they are very sophisticated compared to some people; but it's been a great place for me to practice and build self confidence.
I still feel quite lame at small talk, so my first instinct is to make tracks for the door as soon as i can after we close, but I am slowly building relationships with people in my home group and believe that over time I will build more confidence.
You're doing fine. The most important thing is to show up, and the rest will come with time and practice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: NZ
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Lance40
Thanks for sharing here. I can relate so well to your post. You are not alone. From hearing other people share, I believe that what you are experiencing can be quite common. As hard as it may seem right now, it does get better with time and practice.
Here are some ideas you can consider.
1. Decide ahead of time you aren't going to share and will pass if asked. Then you can relax and be present to listen to what other people are sharing.
2. Arrive early so you are one of the first people there. It's easier for me to arrive at a meeting and have the crowd slowly grow around me instead of walking into a room full of people.
3. Plan your share ahead of time and memorize or practice it. It can be a very short share, only a couple of sentences at first. You can start with something as simple as "Hi, my name is X. I'm an addict / alcoholic. Sharing in a group is not easy for me, so for today I'd just like to say I'm grateful to be here to listen to everyone."
4. Engage in a service position that doesn't require talking or sharing but that gets you engaged with the group. For example, ask if you can pass the hat around at 7th tradition time. It's a valuable non-verbal way of participating.
5. Find a small meeting.
Earlier in sobriety I attended very few AA meetings because of exactly what you are talking about. Now I have a home group in a meeting I attend every week. What finally worked for me was to find a small meeting. It's a Step 11 meditation meeting with attendance ranging from 3 to 10 people. The average is probably 5 people. I took a service position as the secretary, and I arrive early to set up so I have an opportunity to introduce myself to people as they arrive. Because the group is small, I have the opportunity to share at almost every meeting. Even if I pass on sharing, as the secretary I have a page to read as part of every meeting, so it still gives me practice talking in a group. It's still not the easiest thing for me to share, but I'm a lot less nervous and uptight now than I used to be and it gets easier to share as time goes along. My shares are usually not long, and I don't feel they are very sophisticated compared to some people; but it's been a great place for me to practice and build self confidence.
I still feel quite lame at small talk, so my first instinct is to make tracks for the door as soon as i can after we close, but I am slowly building relationships with people in my home group and believe that over time I will build more confidence.
You're doing fine. The most important thing is to show up, and the rest will come with time and practice.
Here are some ideas you can consider.
1. Decide ahead of time you aren't going to share and will pass if asked. Then you can relax and be present to listen to what other people are sharing.
2. Arrive early so you are one of the first people there. It's easier for me to arrive at a meeting and have the crowd slowly grow around me instead of walking into a room full of people.
3. Plan your share ahead of time and memorize or practice it. It can be a very short share, only a couple of sentences at first. You can start with something as simple as "Hi, my name is X. I'm an addict / alcoholic. Sharing in a group is not easy for me, so for today I'd just like to say I'm grateful to be here to listen to everyone."
4. Engage in a service position that doesn't require talking or sharing but that gets you engaged with the group. For example, ask if you can pass the hat around at 7th tradition time. It's a valuable non-verbal way of participating.
5. Find a small meeting.
Earlier in sobriety I attended very few AA meetings because of exactly what you are talking about. Now I have a home group in a meeting I attend every week. What finally worked for me was to find a small meeting. It's a Step 11 meditation meeting with attendance ranging from 3 to 10 people. The average is probably 5 people. I took a service position as the secretary, and I arrive early to set up so I have an opportunity to introduce myself to people as they arrive. Because the group is small, I have the opportunity to share at almost every meeting. Even if I pass on sharing, as the secretary I have a page to read as part of every meeting, so it still gives me practice talking in a group. It's still not the easiest thing for me to share, but I'm a lot less nervous and uptight now than I used to be and it gets easier to share as time goes along. My shares are usually not long, and I don't feel they are very sophisticated compared to some people; but it's been a great place for me to practice and build self confidence.
I still feel quite lame at small talk, so my first instinct is to make tracks for the door as soon as i can after we close, but I am slowly building relationships with people in my home group and believe that over time I will build more confidence.
You're doing fine. The most important thing is to show up, and the rest will come with time and practice.
The more I read the responses here, the better I feel that it will come. I have a bad tendency to convince myself that I am a different case, and relising that people had and have the same issue. Sometimes I just can't help but think yeah but they are not as bad as me, I am a special case. I am overwhelmed with the friendliness and caring of people in the group, I need to remind myself more how grateful I am for there to be something like this out there.
Update on the meeting tonight, I kind of feel like this will sound like a cheat but we had some decent rain tonight and it wasn't possible for me to attend without getting absolutely drenched, the meeting is about 1.5km away and I do enjoy my walks but I didn't want to get drenched. I have heard people talk about excuses for not going to meetings and I feel like this is probably one. Nevertheless I will get to my meeting tomorrow that I always go to. I also have court sentancing tomorrow so have been a bit on edge today. Nothing that a drink will help.. (I have to keep reminding myself!!).
Thank you all, I am still coming to terms with how this program works and I can't help but express my gratitude for all these replies I have received.
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