zerothehero

It takes a long time to rewire the brain. I've been sober for over two years, but had a couple of major surgeries last year that required prescribed opioid use. I found myself having to trash the extra pills because I wanted to eat them even though the pain had passed.

It's been 8 months since my last pill and I thought I was over it. My wife injured herself yesterday, ended up in the hospital, and came home with a bottle of vicodin. She needs it and hates it. I don't need it and want it. That bottle is talking to me.

I'm not out of the woods. Remember Philip Seymour Hoffman, R.I.P.

Cleansing

I know very little about surgery or physical pain. I abused heroin/vicodin years back for only a brief time. But thanks for sharing, because you helped me. Hold on, every recovering addict goes through this. Sorry you had to go through that illness and pain.

I started feeling lots of doubt, sadness, and anger this week. Car accident, aunt passed, symptoms popping up of mental illness, and having to take a leave from school. Took a burning desire at a meeting three days ago, stood very close to support network past two weeks, and the feeling passed for me.

Taking it a moment at a time ... only a daily reprieve.

IvanMike

You're normal (for us).

Make sure she holds on to it and doesn't let you know where it is. (That would be helpful for me, but to be honest, I'd be uncomfortable having it in the house). Ask her to flush it when she's done.

finaltime

Agree with Ivanmike. As an opiate addict, and in recovery from that specific DOC I would have to ask her to store it somewhere else. The disease is stronger than my self will. You did the right thing, shared about it. I would also go to more meetings during this time (I attend NA) and also me checking in with more people during the time. I have learned through many hard knocks that my disease can creep in at anytime of the day or night and I must have a daily reprieve no matter what to fight this terminal illness.

Proud of you for 2 years. That is huge. I had 4 months yesterday without any opiates or alcohol. this is huge for me. I still get the crazy dreams about using, but for the most part the physical part has gotten better.

Now working the 12 steps from NA. About to start step 9!~ Big stuff!! 6 years in and out of the rooms and never worked past 3.

We can build a house but we must have tools right? We can't expect to be sober and not do anything about it.

Just like a strong body, have to work out. And we can't stay fit on yesterdays workout.

Take care and keep in touch.

pandblvr

Cunning, baffling, powerful.

Don't listen to that voice in your head--pray and listen for your Higher Power's voice.

Your disease wants you dead and it'll stop at nothing until it gets what it wants.

Keep fighting<3

zerothehero

Honestly? My wife is suffering and because of all us addicts out here they didn't give her enough. I'm concerned she'll be hurting when she runs out tomorrow.

All addicts should learn about this, I think: The Stop and Go Switch - The Brain's Control Circuitry / Addiction Education Blog - www.cnsproductions.com

Neuroplasticity is a beautiful thing when we're repeating healing behaviors.

Soberwolf

Congratulations on 8 months

Carpathia

"....having to trash the extra pills".

what else would you have done to them?

I get that you wanted the extra pills even though the pain was gone and that you did the right thing by trashing the extra pills, but my question still stands....what other option was there?

Would you have saved them?

frankster

Thanks man. I checked that out. I'm a firm believer in knowledge is power. "Know thy self" as it were. Very interesting.

stevieg46

Hi Zero I know from earlier correspondence that you have taken interest in the Big Book , Doctors Opinion re psychic change , plus the notion that somehow some day we will be able to drink/use in safety '' that illusion has to be smashed '' my personal experience is in trying situations as long as we stay calm and take action with regard to good advice we have received I have found we come out the other end much stronger through going through the experience , take care buddy this will blow over and come to pass ,

Regards Stevie

Soberpotamus

Hey, you did a good thing by writing about it.

Always helps to acknowledge and get it 'out there' in the open. Good for you.

zerothehero

I could have eaten them, which was what I was doing until I trashed them. The thing was I went through hell. Months of severe pain, then to the point where I couldn't sit or walk. In that time I had been prescribed oxy, percs, lortab, tramadol, pred, celebrex (not necessarily in that order). When the post-surgery pain subsided I was awash in chemicals and didn't want to stop even though I hadn't had alcohol for over a year. Quite an ordeal. But the lure isn't too powerful. I joked with my wife and she said she was going to hide them. Doubt it's necessary but if it makes her feel better. Still, the fact that I suddenly fantasized about floating into unconsciousness was cause for some alarm. I've been doing well and rarely crave anything other than sugar (which is bad enough if you ask me).

silentrun

Hi Zero. Great post! I just had a run in with the same type of thing and I have no history of use of pain pills. There was no recall for me to light up it was just a dangerous idea. I have no desire to zone out at all but my mind saw an opportunity to use "safely" (it wasn't booze) and it tried to grab it. That link you posted was a good read.

I actually thought about PSH and how he had one drink after 23 years sober and less then 2 years later he is dead and away from his family. We will probably have to always be ready to be really honest with ourselves from now on. For me there seems to be a knee jerk reaction and then reason will take over if I give it enough time. We can do that.

Carpathia

I guess something similar happened to me recently as well, now that I think of it.

Someone telling me about a relapse and vanilla extract and the way she spoke of it, my thoughts went longingly (I don't know if that's the right word...maybe "sympathetically" is more accurate) to the large bottle of vanilla extract in my house.

I quickly saw it for what it was, but I understand how insidious our thinking can get.

zerothehero

Vanilla extract? Never even crossed my mind. I'm happy to say I never had it that bad...

But I was fortunate. When I look at the criteria for substance use disorder I think I was at the mild level for decades and quit when I slipped into moderate. This basically means I quite before legal, financial, health, or other serious consequences kicked in.

I had another acid dream and it got me thinking. I've read Carrie Fisher claim she "cured" her alcoholism with LSD, and others have made similar claims. I don't know about "cure" but I can kind of see it. I did a lot of acid over the years, usually in spurts, like I would dose a few times and then not again for months or a year. I have no intention of doing it again and I don't recommend it for anyone in recovery, but it got me wondering if it maybe slowed the progression of my alcoholism. No telling. Just a thought. I used to call it "blowing out the cobwebs." It does mess with synapses and all that in a way that most drugs of abuse do not. Whatever. Just thinking out loud. But I did have an old biker the other day tell me that "anyone who has done LSD more than 25 times is a qualitatively different person." I don't doubt that. I'm crazy as a shithouse rat.

Carpathia

People take lsd more than 25 times? That's....something....

I'm not sure I would have survived that many trips. It was a grueling experience both psychically and physically.

zerothehero

It can be grueling, for sure, but acidheads are a different kind of animal in the first place. I'm not sure what leads someone to want to take LSD repeatedly. For me it was a kind of shamanic ritual. Hard to explain. It's hard to know if one is tapping into something profound or just delusional. One thing I've observed is emotional instability resulting from acid abuse, and then people shift toward the numbing drugs like alcohol and opiates to slow things down. Not good. I was in the Grateful Dead scene in the 70's and 80's and I saw a lot of people go that route, and it ended Jerry Garcia. It was hard to watch people go from bold mind-adventurers to frightened puppies crawling into their bottles and foils. Anyway, that was a birdwalk, but I thought it interesting that I would have an acid dream the night after a bottle of vicodin landed in the house.

Marcus

I have seen a lot of Dead and Phish shows in my day. 4+ years sober - Definitely not suggesting anyone go take acid and this is a bit of an odd topic for a recovery website, but the human brain and human condition is quite interesting to me.

Ever head about "The (Greatful Dead) Family" back in the day? Thumbprint? Not sure anyone comes back from that.

Insane Brain Train: Massive Dosing - the LSD Thumbprint

RedManc7

My last ex was a enormous weed caner (30 bongs a day, I wouldn't believe it in someone so small unless I'd witnessed it) and IMO she had basically smoked too much weed and took too much acid and caned the MDMA too hard too young. As a recovering smack head with bad history (but no interest) in the first 2 - gave up weed aged 23 when the paranoia got too on top, had a few trips but a couple of really bad ones put me off for life - it didn't bother me I just thought I might be able to be wise & tone her caning down (how unwise was that looking back)

Anyway, now I was 40 and she is 26 and we on holiday. I just want a quiet night (context I'm a recovering drug addict) but this similar aged to her (25/26) German geezer off his dial on MDMA starts ballooning about with Melisa :-) you know the type lads, the loved up platonic pill head eh?! who is in the restaurant/bar we are in.
They end up discussing my addiction for about 2 hours right in front of me Pretty much with this loved up German lad telling me about how taking psychedelics helped him kick heroin.
My ex gf has more problems getting through the day then Scooby Doo has yet here I was getting lectured that I need to take psychedelics to help me stay clean. I'd been clean over 12m at that point and felt strong.
I didn't fancy tripping again however you wrap it up E was always my DOC till heroin took a grip.
But they wouldn't have none of it. I was a loser, mistaken, negative about trippy **** (I said - love I'm a heroin addict I could never judge another humans path) and should listen more.
I eventually told him to **** off in the end and my bird berated me all the way home for being anti psychedelics.
Horses for courses. I've heard about ayahuasca ceremonies off pals who've done it and it's been ace and I've heard they are great with hard drug addiction as well.
However, for me, altering my State deliberately like that is just too risky. I know what I'm like. I also know I don't like hallucinating - for hours on end. It's a recipe for disaster.

I would never EVER preach to someone about the benefits of boozing.
Nor ecstasy (my evangelical days ended with my heart attack aged 26)
And never ever Smack, cautious even to discuss it, in case I make being strung out & or ****** up seem attractive in a perverse way.

Yet (I know the uses for cannabis medicinallyetc mainly good) weed smokers and people who like taking acid can't just admit it's hedonism. No it's a hard look in the mirror they tell you. Don't need psychedelics - neither did they It's just the way they roll. They always have to rattle on about the benefits of it how it's natural etc. it's sorting their issues out. I just shake my head. They get more annoyed I won't bless their drug abuse (let's have it right some maybe approach it constructively but me and lots of others when it came down to brass tacks would approach it like a drug binge) -I'm sure some folk can be different
Maybe - but i still file it all under drugs - and it sounds shite anyway - so it's a no. They so preachy though about their drugs - I've seen so many pals end up sectioned through these drugs - plant or no plant.

Personally I think if u can't give up smack and it's been years (loads of years) of bungled attempts then maybe could be worth giving a go.

But I still feel like I lost some of my brain 20 years ago from acid so anything of a similar ilk is a no go.
Pot heads lecturing me isn't the way forward.

RedManc7

Good to see you here marcus - hope you fighting the good fight still.