alandjake59

I am new to this site. my husband is an alcoholic and i have a 3 yr old daughter and a 1 yr old son. Not that you can tell me what to do, but how was your childhood if you a)lived in an alcoholic home parents together or b) parents were divorced because of it. I have to make the right decision here, I just need to make sure my children are protected from the worst.

JT

Welcome to SR!!

There is so much more to living with an alcoholic than what you think. They are so different. Some, like my husband are supportive and reliable and others dissappear for days, are violent and cheat on the marriage. It depends so much more on the man and who he is than his drinking habits.

Hugs,
JT

Peaches04

Hi alanandjake - I am in the exact same boat you are, but with a 4 and 5 year old. My husband is not a fall down terrible drunk - but, he is the kind that disappoints you every time he drops his responsibilities in your lap, ruins holidays with his mood, ruins everything really... I'm just so sick of all the disappointment. Some other people will be here to give you advise, I've been asking the same thing - trying to judge the effects. My counselor told us that if he didn't stop drinking, she could promise that our kids would either be alcholics or in the same kind of room talking to her about their problems as ADOA. So, it's not good I'm afraid. But, as JT said, there are other things to consider. Is he a good Dad? I thought mine was, but now I'm not so sure. Now, I'm starting to see all the slack I pick up for him with the kids. He thinks because he takes them to school and plays with them sometimes (always drinking though) that he is a good Dad - but, now that I have started to come out of my denial and my fog...I see there is so much more he is not doing. They couldn't count on him - maybe for things like taking them to school... but, like last week he made my daughter miss gymnastics so he could go hang out with his buddies. Which, one time - no biggie - but, as I said, it's just a cumulation of things. I'm sorry - I wish there was an easy answer...I too am curious to see people's responses. I do understand that it only gets worse...that's my fear.

2Sunshine

Welcome aboard,

The first thing that I would suggest you do is to learn as much as you can. Hang around here in SR and get connected with an Al-Anon group. This process is not something that you can usually just jump on and make decisions. The desperation makes us feel that we have to jump and move, but being fully confident in what we do helps us not suffer the "what if's". So make yourself comfortable, take some time and know that all things will become clearer with the more that you know and understand. Then you will know what you are ready to do about the situation.

Again welcome aboard!

myselfagain

my children are 19 18 16 14 yrs olds. My AH moved out 6 months ago after I had asked him for over a year.
19 yr old thinks he was funny when he was drunk so no big deal with the drinking. she says i ruined our family by divorcing him
18 yr old thinks he was an ass when he drank, he yelled a lot, just wanted to be left alone in the evening. she still thinks hes an ass. they have to work thought a lot of anger with each other.
16 yr old is glad he is gone,she goes to his house every Wes. for a few hrs but does not want to spend the nite on weekends. we are working through that slowly.
14 yr old says all his friends parents are divorced so no big deal. he likes to spend time with dad but is glad to come back home at the same time.

I should also mention that husband is sober and has been since the day I told him I wanted a divorce. The last 3 kids think its great that he is not drinking, they do understand that I wanted the divorce but do not blame me. I believe they think I made the right choice.Afterall they have a sober dad now.
Hope this helps answer some of your questions.
You may be able to hide it from the younger kids but as they get older they can see what is going on. Every one of my children at one time or another after about the age of 10 asked me "Why"..............
did you marry him?
are you still married to him?
does he have to be our father?
does he have to drink?
does he get half the house every nite and we have to stay in our room or yours?
is he such an a--hole?
do you do everything and he does nothing?

utopia

well im an adult child and my father was v abusive but its hard to give you advice when each person is different and merely being an alco doesnt make u evil and a danger, still uve gotta be alert foryour kids and the best advice i can give you is this

get to as many meetings as you can
when they are ready take your kids to alateen and alanon because then they will be able to learn
hope ure hubs finds soberness and aa
but uve gotta focus on u and ure kids
all the best, my heart goes out to you
peace
toby

wraybear

this is my first time on here. And, came to this message first. I know i am two months later than your posting, but want all of you to know that I am married to a loving kind Christian man who happens to be an alcoholic. This disease is progressive. It keeps getting worse unless they get help. I have known my husband since I was 15 years old... am now 44! Three years ago, he chose to drink and drive with our 2 and 5 year old in the car. He was in an almost tragic accident... he was intubated in the helicopter and almost died. Spent 5 weeks in ICU and 2 1/2 months in the hospital.
5 year old was helicoptered to children's hospital with lacerate liver, intestines and spinal fracture. Was in hospital for 13 days and had to wear cast on torso for 6 weeks. Little one had a bruise on her collar bone from car seat strap! Thank GOD!!!!

Anyway, all i can say is if you feel you can live with the alchohilic, don't let him drive. You MUST do all transportation... to school, to doctor, to activities, etc. If you can live with taking on ALL the responsibility in the home... then do it without condemnation, without resentment. It will be difficult. I am the last person to recommend divorce to anyone. But, I am feeling like I am divorcing alcohol, not my husband.

JT

Welcome Wraybear,

I hope you come back. It sounds like you have alot to offer. The kids ARE the ones that get hurt so badly. We have made our choices for whatever reasons but they don't have that option.

Anyway...welcome,
JT

renee18

My dad is an alcoholic. I am 19. I can only tell you through my experience but i can not give you an anwser to your problem it is up to you but i would really think about it alot before making a decision. my dad is till an active alcoholic. I would not wish this on anyone but since I have been in the Al-Anon program for a year now I would not change that my dad is an alocholic. yes he has hurt my emotional. But without my dad I would not be the person I am today. yes there is times when I wish he would quit drinking but know that he will not quite its hard to be a teenager and have an alcoholic parent but god does not gave us stuff we can't handle ands there must be a reason why this was put in my life. I think a child needs there dad but if he is physicailly abusive then it is time to do something. The most important thing is to make sure your children and you are safe. I hope this help.
Love,
Shana, 19

Merry

My parents divorced, I went with mom and grew up to be pretty normal, my brother grew up with dad who is pretty sober, my brother is normal too.

I grew up in about the worst household you could imagine and I am ok, in fact I appreciate things alot more and work my butt off. I am glad I didnt have it easy. I am thankful for my experience.

I dont know your husband or your family, but as long as those kids have a strong role model they can respect in you that is the most important thing you can do. When I lost respect for my mother it all went downhill, show your children how to be strong.

iys

In reply to your question, I am a 51 year old female who's father and mother were alcoholics. I have 5 sibilings and the effect it had on us was all different while we were growing up. My father was physically abusive and my mother was very passive. All of us have grown up with different issues. None of us drink, or use drugs but we have different ramifications from the life we lived as children. I married an alcholic, my daughter is an alcholic/drug addict and I am now trying to deal with that. I have taken legal action to take her 2 yr old dtr. so that she isn't living with her homeless addicted mother. I work and my husband works, my children had a better life then I did but I am sure that they suffer from my dsyfunctional upbringing and also their dysfunctional upbringing. I think sickness promotes sickness. I wish you and your family a happy healthy life. Good luck!

77firewife

Welcome to SR. I am very new to this site and to ACOA(Adult Children of Alcoholics). I never thought by my father being an AH would have any effect on me. I am 27 and he stopped drinking when I was 13. It was too late for me, damage done. But come to find out a week ago, I am a mess. I don't remember my childhood and I have learned very damaging life skills that I have to change. One thing about being a child of an alcoholic is you mentally don't mature like you should. If that makes any sense. I also have 2 children~ 7 yrs & 16 mos both boys. They love their father but one of my husbands things that he can't wait for when my boys grow up is..... To take them to the bar . But my husband will tell you he isn't an AH, he is a social drinker and he likes the taste of beer. You should get books, books about what you are concerned with. Attened Al-Anon, that is my best advice for you, Attend Al-anon. I went last night for the first time and it is unbeleivable to be in a room with everyone who knows the disease of Alcoholism and the effect it has on those around the AH. I didn't think I was going to be able to deal with being an ACOA but you know, I can and I will . And you should do what is right for you and your kids. Have faith in your higher power whatever or whoever that may be, and he will guide you. Good Luck.

sumkay

I am new to this site and am looking for some answers myself! I am 22 with 2 girls, 2.5 years and 5.5 months and will be married 3 years December 1st.

My father has been drinking for as long as I can remember. So to answer your question, he abused my mother and me although he doesn't think he did. He got drunk everynight, and still does. He as ruined holidays, birthdays, just my life in general. He would get mad at the most stupidest things and beat me for it. I have known for a long time that he has a problem, but just now realized how bad it is bc my mother has started drinking as well. They think they are fine and they do nothing wrong. But I lived around a drunk my whole life, I don't want my kids to be around drunks. So I am in the process of writing them a letter, bc I can not talk to them, that if they don't shape up, they will never see their grandchildren again. I know that they have to help themselves, I can do nothing for them, so I am hoping that this will put a bug up their butts, so to speak. My advice to you is keep your children safe, you too of course. Even if your hubby hasn't hit you or your children, that doesn't mean it can't happen. The only things I remember from my childhood is the bad; dad getting drunk everyday and the beatings. I may have rambled, I'm sorry, so if anyone has any help for me, I'll take it, too!! LOL!!!

up2thebrim

Well, I clicked off of this thread on two different occasions, yet something keeps bringing me back. I am 27 years old and the daughter of an alcoholic "father". I've never discussed this in great deatil, but I'm going to tell you my story in hopes that it may be of help to you.

My parents divorced with I was about 5 years old, but not before he punched several holes in our walls, got a dui, beat the crap out of my mom, lost a few jobs and burnt the house down....twice. Yep, 2 times - smoking while drunk = passing out and lighting house on fire. The list goes on, trust me.

Was it always like this? No. It started with some missed days of work, and some late nights at the bar and escalated from there. I can tell you that living with an alcoholic is NO way for a child to live. When my parents got divorced our visitation schedule allowed for me to stay with him every other weekend. He was court ordered to NOT drive me anywhere at any time, yet I somehow managed to find myself driving around in the passenger seat of a van that either was swurving from side to side or had a tall man yelling obscenities out the window every weekend. I'd spent Saturday nights at the age of 7, 8, 9, 10 years old throwing away beer cans and staying up late only to sit on the floor in front of the couch so that I could put out this man's cigarettes. The ashtray was only as far as the coffee table, yet he somehow couldn't manage to do that himself...before he passed out, that is.

The next morning, he'd fight with me to eat all my eggs and drink my milk because they were "good for me". While I would gulp down my milk to avoid conflict, can you imagine the lack of respect I had for his "authority" - come on, I was the parent in that house. Time passed and he remarried (only to later get divorced again), another house got burnt down (though he claims it was an "electrical" fire). Blah, blah, blah.

Our relationship had been touch and go through my teenage years. He'd make promises and not follow through, say he'd call and never would, say he'd show up and never did, missed my highschool graduation, missed my birthdays and all the other things that a father should be at. To this day, my mother never said a bad word about him. She let me make my own decisions and my own opinion about the situation. I'll never forget that she did that. It was probably the best thing she ever could have done. Actually, it was the second best, the first thing was getting use the h*ll out of there. The weekend trips were brutal as it is, but I can't imagine having that in my life every single day. Sure, I envied the life of my friends with the perfect family at times, but I never had anything short of respect for my mom's decision to remove us from that situation. Sadly enough, she's now in this situation again and I'm losing respect for her as I watch her ignore what's going on around her and letting this go on around my young siblings.

FYI - 22 years later "father" is still a drunk.

Your husband is not going to change unless he's ready to. It may never happen at all. Keep the long haul in mind.

By the way, I ended up being the most responsible person in my family, do not drink or do drugs, have a wonderful child and a good job, so I ended up okay. I think the thing I feel like I lacked, was my childhood. I had to grow up WAY to soon.

Keep us posted.
I'll be thinking about you.

Heathenwench

I'm new here too, but just wanted to let you know that I'm 31 married too an alcoholic w/ 2 young girls. Both my parents were & still are drinkers (alcoholics). They have stayed together, why I'm not sure, but they have. I have an older brother by many years and neither of us drink but we both are on anti-depressants & in bad marriages. My parents aren't the kind of drunks that can't function. My father is 67 and still works for the Navy & my mother is 69 & only drinks at night. I don't know what to tell you except RUN!!!! No, I'm just joking, I don't think anybody wins in this situation & there is definatly no good or right answer. Just protect your kids, you can choose to stay and as an adult you know what your getting into by making that choice but your kids don't have that option. I know that I have allowed my kids to be screwed up by being in a disfunctional relationship but for some unknown reason I can't stay away from their father, but that is another board. Good luck & be strong, Hugs Kim

Kay Kay

My mother is an alcoholic. Two years ago, I spend one year of my life doctoring her back to good health, for her to start back drinking again. I married an alcoholic. He just went 10 days without drinking. The longest he has ever gone. My daughter told me last night how proud she was of him, and how happy it made her that he wasn't drinking. I told her to tell him and she said she didn't want to because she was scared he would start back if she said anything. While I was taking my daughter to a slumber party tonight, my husband called to tell me that he stopped to get some beer (guilty conscience I guess). Later this evening my daughter called to say goodnight and her dad answered the phone. When I got on the phone with her she asked me was he drinking, and I told her that he was. I told my husband that she asked and that I told her the truth. I, like up2thebrim, am very responsible and do not drink or do drugs. I hate what it has done to my life and 11-year old daughter.
Hang in there!!
Kay Kay

sumkay

You and me both! The only thing I remember from my childhood are the beatings and late nights up with my dad "talking". More like him repeating himself a million times about telling me what I did that day was wrong or bad or immature! Now he's got my mom drinking.....I ended up pretty good too! Married 3 years just the other day, 2 beautiful little girls, and my hubby has a good enough job that I get to stay home with my girls! My parents say they are proud of me, but sometimes I wonder because if I don't do something their way or agree with hubby instead of them they seem to get mad! I'm a grown woman and can make my own decisions, I don't have to ask you and get a lecture about it later!!!!!!

Blessed

I am an acoa...my childhood was a nightmare. My 3 sisters and 1 brother...we are all messed up. Al-anon and NA helped me recover,GOD was the one I could always count on...Addiction stole everything from me, today i live a day at a time... choosing to put God and my recovery first. I have forgiven myself and my family . Addiction is a spiritual disease. Recovery is a spiritual program,healing is possible. I am a compassionate person,I had to learn to love myself and others in a healthy way. I have all the characteristics of an acoa...but am in recovery working on my issues... you see i know what it is like on both sides of the fence,to be addicted,and to have a family member who is an alcoholic and an addict, the answer is in the 12 steps and a personal relationship with a higher power who is greater than this disease, greater than the dysfunctional family. Through my recovery i have found Hope,faith, but most of all...LOVE I only had to get honest and willing to surrender,to find a new way of life

punkid

It was pretty bad for me growing up with an aloholic mother and a distant father. My parents divorced because my father was sleeping around. that is when my mother began drinking. my dad knew what my mom was doing but did nothin to protect us. i didnt realize my mothers behavior was abnormal untill i was 12 or so (she started when i was 6). I wasnt supervised by any responsible adults, commited a crime and was addicted to drugs and was put in juvenial detention for 6 months. It was my action, but had my mother supervised me and cared for me better, this may not have happened.

As for having a husband who's an aloholic, if he's violent, take the kids and leave. If not and you think your able, try to help him. Whatever you choose, remember to protect the children

LynnieD

My parents were both a's. I would lay in bed at night and pray they'd get divorced. There wasn't alot of violence, most yelling and screaming every night. But I would never say anything to them out of fear. And children are alot smarter that we give them credit for. There was always a tension in my home, I felt it and so did my brother. If it affecting the children it is time to put a stop to it by separating, or intervention. Most of the time they only get worse if we put up with it. I will be praying for you.