Pieboy

Where do I begin, I am 36 and married with a small child(20 mos) and having problems in my marriage. About a week ago my wife and me had a fight, not your typical yelling and screaming fight, but one where I clam up and don't talk for days. After about 2 days I decided we needed to figure out what our problems were. For the first time in my marriage, I listened. Unfortunately, the news wasn't good. She pretty much gave me an ultimatum, get help or I'm gone. I was floored and for the first time in our marriage I was frightened. She was tired of my anger and my lack of sharing in the feelings dept.. At that moment I had an awakening, I need to get it together or I might lose what I have worked so hard for. I haven't slept for days and haven't eaten much as we all do when our lives are in devastation. So, I decided to see a therapist to find out what was my problem. I had heard about ACoA, but never gave it a thought. When I got there the therapist asked the usual questions and I answered them, Honestly, and she immediately said I was an ACoA. O.K. now that I have identified most of problem. Where do I go from here.

At this very moment I am scared, desperate, feel like everything is just unraveling. Will this feeling go away soon?

For the most part, my wife hasn't brought up the Divorce word and I can only assume that she wants to help me. After all, she did go to the therapist on her own and talked to her about our situation and the way she feels.

During my first session, I had alot of questions about my condition and alot of thoughts about what am I going to do. She gave a book to me and my wife, "Adult Children of Alcoholics", and I read it the first day. I saw every pattern I have seen or do.

I am very scared at this moment and need some advice.

IrishEyzs

Hi Pieboy,
I was involved in Alanon several years ago and went because of problems in my marriage. That is where I learned about ACoA. Alanon is a wonderful program. My best advice is to go to a few meeting even if you feel uncomfortable...I wanted to run out the first 5 meetings I went to...and just listen. Dont worry about your wife or the problems of the day...just listen. After you have done alot of listening, ask someone that really seems to stand out to you, to be your sponsor. It makes a world of difference. You can't do this alone. My sponsor had me go to 3 Alanon meetings a week and 1 AA meeting a week just to understand and build compassion for the people suffering with alcoholism. It also helped me to stop blaming myself and thinking that I was a piece of $#%^ from all of the stinkin thinkin that was in my head. A sponsor will help you work on the steps just like they do in AA. Trust me they will make no sense in the beginning but keep going back and you'll be amazed at how your life can change. It's not an easy journey but it's worth it!
One day at a time Pieboy!

Pieboy

We only have one meeting and it's in a small town about 45 minutes away. I would love to go, but at this point I really need some people to talk to about my problem on a daily basis.

I just have this feeling of abandonment, I mean we haven't been close since our child was born and I feel that she doesn't love me anymore. I am so very confused at this point. I seem to be getting mixed feelings about what is going on in our situation, sometimes I feel loved and other times I feel that she wants to get away from me. I am an emotional wreck right now. Are these feelings normal?

lonlion

Hi Pieboy, I definately understand the abandonment issues. My father was the alcoholic in my childhood, and consequently I have trust issues, a hard time getting in touch with my feelings, which usually turn out to be fears, and have major problems in every relationship I have been in. If you need to talk about your concerns this is a good place to come, and I am glad that you are here.

Have a very Merry Christmas and for the time being try to relax and enjoy every day that you are happy. It sounds like you have a loving understanding wife who is only concerned about you and your future.
Take care
Diana

Pieboy

Well, we have talked about our issues and I think we have been a little more constructive lately. Perhaps she is exhibiting some tough love. The thing I hear from her is she hasn't given up on our marriage, but she is scared that she won't be able to forget all the things I've done and said. I have said a lot of mean spirited things to her and can't really tell you how many times I've told her i want out of this. At this point she can't trust me. Who is to say that in a couple of years if I get in one of those predicaments and let all go again that I won't say it. I understand her fears and there are no garuntees with my actions as they stand in the past.

Anybody out there gone through this before and ended up with a healthy happy marriage? What I mean is how can we get past all the things I've done and move forward. I am starting therapy and I am scared to death of things I might uncover.

Thanks for the help. Sorry, if I seem confusing at this point but I really am confused.

What are some of the things that my therapist might put me through, what do I need to expect.

splendra

pieboy-

Do you have a substance or alcohol abuse problem?

IAmEnough

Pieboy, I have the same question that Splendra does. I do not have a substance abuse problem and don't know if you do. But besides that, your situtation sounds exactly like mine.

But if you can't get to ACOA meetings, there are some online, and TONS of good books to read. My personal favorite that is good light reading is "CoDepenant No More" by Mellody Beatie. I can recommend more, but this one is a good start. Your library might have it, but trust me... you will want to buy a copy so you can write in it. I find the messages sink in easier when I underline and scribble in the margins. Believe me, you will have the entire book marked up! Also, I found a great therapist that is helping guide my way.

Just reading about Codependency and writing here is helpful. Just knowing and accepting that you are an ACOA is the first positive step you can make to recovery.

Keep us posted here, and don't be afraid to ask any questions you have. Read all the posts... that is what I did the first time here.

Feel free to send me a personal email if you like. I am also on AOL instant messenger.

God be with you,

Pieboy

No. And thanks for the book recommendations.

JT

Pieboy,

When I began recovery it was because my life had become unmanageable. It doesn't even really matter why. MY life was unmanageable. I had to take responsibility for my part in that. I had to own what I had done and begin to take steps to change it...one day at a time.

My first steps were very small, like not reacting when I normally would have. Instead of my normal behavior I had to replace it with something else...or separate myself from whatever the antagonist was. I walked away a lot.

I learned that I could not be responsible for another's thoughts, feelings or behaviors. I also learned that in many cases they were reacting to the way they expected me to act. As I changed... over much time...they began to trust me again. And I also learned to trust myself to not revert to the way it was. As I changed my behaviors one by one, I was changed.

My marriage was broken and now it is not. I take pride that my recovery from codependency did that.

And I know that if I can do it you can too. Educate yourself, read daily, come here daily, pick a behavior and change it....just one. Stop RE-acting...just stop.

This is not an overnight fix...it is a lifelong journey. It is gift to yourself and to those around you.

Hugs,
JT

Pieboy

Thank You JT, I appreciate the kind words and encouragement. You're right I do need to stop worrying about things and get MYself in order.

I am trying to replace one thing at a time. I am starting with my anger. The one thing that is destroying my family and me. I really haven't gotten into a situation where I can really test myself, as I'm trying not to create problems. We had talked the other day and my wife told me she may not be able to trust me. I can understand that. I would always hit her with the Divorce word, she would be scared and upset and hurt. I guess I said that because I wanted to get her attention and listen to what I was saying. I have really poor communication skills, I don't say what I mean and if I do I always seem to say it wrong.

I don't know about the rest of you, but for some unknown reason I seem to thrive off of contraversy. I guess what I'm saying is that I can't be happy until I create a problem. I don't want that anymore, Period!

Me and the wife are still living in the same household and seem to be communicating but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I hope this is normal. We go into to see the therapist, on Thurs. and she wants to lay down some "ground rules". I'm really not sure what she means by that.

Change for me is always so scary.

Blessed

Welcome to the journey of recovery...learning about ourselves,taking responsibility for our actions and behavior. To re-define our lives,restore our relationships is an intentional act, to become the best person we can be. With an open mind and willingness to change, We do recover...Through others we find a mirror held up for us to see ourselves,with honesty we have accountability. We need support from others. We need Divine Guidance...Surrender to a higher power, with him you find all that you are and the best you can be! Love and blessings to you!

Pieboy

I just got off the phone with my sister, who said I really had it much worse than her when it came to dealing with my alcoholic father.

She started to remind me of things that I probably forgot about or actually pushed into the back of my mind.

I have always had an anger problem, this probably stems from watching my father yell at my mom. This is my biggest issue. After my parents divorced, dad liked to hang with the women, he called me on my birthday. I was fuming hot when I spoke to him, I was angry for what he did to my mom and how he hurt her so much. I told him I didn't want to speak with him ever again. Well, several years go by. I'm married and have a daughter. My grandparents spoke to me after several years of silence and told me that my dad wanted to have a relationship with me and my wife and his granddaughter. I pondered the idea and was very reluctant to do so, but my wife who has had to deal with my anger problem thought it would be a good idea to try and establish a relationship with my dad with the hopes it would soothe my anger. Well, I have to tell you, I think it has gotten worse.

When my parents were married. My dad was a contract engineer and would be gone for months at a time. The months that he was gone there was a sense of peace in the house. My mom seemed happier and me and my sister were alot calmer and didn't have an impending cloud of doom over our heads. There really was some sense of relief that the person that caused us so much worry and embarassment was gone. But when he got home that overwhelming sense of fear crept back in, for 2 months we were on pins and needles. Until the next contract.

My wife doesn't seem to see a connection. Is there? I mean the guy that caused me so much fear and pain in my life was out of the picture and I felt a sense of relief. But ever sense I let him back in my life I think my anger has gotten out of control. Again, at this point I am so confused about what is going on with me.

JT

Pieboy,

Regardless of the details none of us had good models. We lived with some element of dysfunction which makes it hard for us to relate well with people or in families.

The most important thing is what we do today because we do have the power to change. I was in Alanon for years before I ever looked at my ACOA issues. First, they were too painful and second, what was going on in my own family was in my face.

You say you have anger issues? That is pretty broad. What specifically makes you angry? For example something for me is being late. I don't do late gracefully and my husband has no sense of time. I have found ways to avoid it up to and including outright stating "I DON'T do late" and arranging things to avoid putting myself in that stressful (for me) situation.

Like I said...one small thing at a time.

Hugs,
JT

Pieboy

My wife has Graves diesease, which makes her act erratic at times. I don't know what's going on. She spends a lot of time out of the house and spends most of her time with friends. She says that the disease makes her feel like she is about to jump out of her skin, and she does things without thinking.

Wow, what a combo, ACoA and someone with Graves Disease. Go Figure?

I get angry at just about anything that seems threatening. like her disease. I Love my wife but I hate her disease.

ahcb

Pieboy,

I understand that this is a tough relationship. I am 44 and growing up had an ok relationship with my dad, but not great. At times I find myself acting towards my son as my father acted towards my older brother. Not nice. I am aware of that and as JT said, I try to realize it and get into a situation that it can be avoided. It doesnt alwys work, but I find if I think about it even as I enter the house, I am aware of it and will try to avoid it. How succesfull I am who knows.

About your dad. He is still here, and it not to late for you...My dad passed away in 1980, I was 19 the youngest, and my brother the oldest was 27. A lot of unresolved issues were buried with him. But what I did find out was this. My older brother and Dad got closer before he passed away perhaps the last 4-5 years. He became a grandfather and I believe he regretted alot of the things he had done. I learned that his Dad, My grandpa who passed two years before i was born was as my oldest brother said, the meanest cruelest SOB around.

Sometimes this is forgotten. We look at our folks and say "gee...no wonder im screwed up"....but we often dont look beyond that...what frightens most of us is that we dont want to act like them..and in alot of cases they are just acting like thier folks...You sound like you have a nice wife who wants the best for you.work with her and your doc...also dont think it is not possible to talk to your dad and ask why?....It wont make his past any better but perhaps you can understand a bit more...I dont believe they want to act the way they do any more than you want to act the way you do..PEACE.......