retroactive

I binged on xanax and alcohol all day yesterday. Obviously my memory is super spotty, and I feel like absolute ****. I drank an absurd amount, pretty much two and a half bottles of wine, plus a half pint of rum and two beers. On top of 3/4 of a bar of xanax. When am I going to learn? I do not believe I ****** anything up too badly, but I know what I am capable of, so I easily could have.

ALinNS

Holy smokes bud, I would really encourage you to to maybe do some reading on mixing benzo's and booze, crazy dangerous.

What's the plan?

Andrew

retroactive

I know all the dangers, I am just an idiot

Anna

You are not an idiot. You are an addict.

I'm glad you survived yesterday because it sounds like it was very dangerous.

Are you ready to stop drinking and using drugs? I really hope so.

retroactive

Id like to say I am, but all I want right now is a beer to fix this hangover...

retroactive

ScottFromWI

I'd reach out to someone that can help you stop. It seems to me that you've reached the point where self-control is not something you can rely on, at least to get started. A doctor, a counselor, a drug/alcohol center in your local county/city, or even an AA/NA meeting might be a good step to take today. A beer will not "FIX" anything...just bring on more of the same.

retroactive

My life is a mess, but the ****** up thing is that its like I have some secret desire for it to be a mess. I avoid anything that could make a positive impact in my life, and seek out destruction.

I drive away friends because I feel unworthy of friendship. I drink and use drugs until my life is a complete mess. I always end up here, no matter what, its like there is something inside of me that craves depravity, and I don't know what it is.

Fabela

I do the same, only on a slightly smaller scale. There is this deep need to self destruct within me, and I'm working like a maniac to fix that part of me. I'm still not sure how to do it, but I definitely need to do good things for myself, to give myself the compassion I so desperately needed a long time ago.

Hang in there, if you really want to quit, do it. Seek help, stay here, be accountable. (BTW, what you did yesterday would have killed me for sure. Please don't do that again.)

least

Mixing alcohol with benzos is dangerous. I hope you get the help you need to get clean and sober for good before something really bad happens.

FreeOwl

Been there.... not with xanax specifically - but in that same situation with drugs and booze.

Repeatedly.

Over the course of a number of years.....

When are you doing to learn????


WHEN YOU CHOOSE TO.




That's the bottom line. That's the truth. It's up to you. It's not that you're not learning - it's simpler than that; you're not deciding.




Choice is yours.

retroactive

You are right, but I am self destructive by nature. It seems so simple to make that choice, but it really isn't for me. I need to value myself more, and I don't know how to do it.

FreeOwl

You are not self destructive by nature.... you are self destructive by choice.

You don't need to know HOW - you need to CHOOSE.

The HOW will follow.

The HOW will reveal itself.

The HOW creates a path almost of its own, once you TRULY, DEEPLY, CHOOSE....

and then ACT.

Get counseling.

Get help.

Get guidance.

Make changes.

The HOW is not hard, really... it becomes painfully obvious.

CHOOSE not to drink.

CHOOSE not to drug.

CHOOSE healthier pursuits.

CHOOSE to talk to a counselor.

CHOOSE a sobriety program.

ACT in honor of all these things..... and good things will happen for you.

it's not rocket science.

AnvilheadII

actually, you DO know how, but you've got a lot of garbage in your head and the message is garbled.

first off, best hangover cure is to drink lots of WATER (that's that clear stuff that comes out of the faucet), take some aspirin and get a McDonald's Quarter Pounder - something about the grease.

you don't EVER have to do this to yourself again. but unless you are willing to give up your "go to, why bother" option of drinking and drugging yourself into oblivion, you'll just end up here again - unless you don't survive the next binge. this is SERIOUS....and you are so deserving of so much MORE - life really IS a lovely place, if we CHOOSE to see it that way.

but we can't order a good life on amazon and then wait for the Fed Ex truck. WE have to take ACTION, put forth energy, and LET good things happen to us. there really is something to the Laws of Attraction and Abundance. we truly ARE self fulfilling prophecies.

there is no shame in asking for help, professional help.....you would probably benefit immensely from an inpatient setting.....perhaps a little longer term if possible.

but.......it's up to you.

CaseyW

I agree with others who say it's time to get some more help. You're on a potentially lethal path right now. Glad you made it in here today, hope you'll get the help you need. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

ScottFromWI

You talk to someone who can help you. You are not alone and a lot of people feel, or have felt the same way that you do.

The fact that you are here on a recovery board in itself shows that part of you does want help. The fact that you drive away from friends also means that you HAVE friends.

Call a counselor or a doctor, you'll be glad you did.