Does your AH think you ask too much?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Does your AH think you ask too much?
AH and I have been seperated now for going on 7 months. At the time that he moved out (at my request), he insisted that he wanted to work things out and that he was going to change, etc. (The usual quacking that we've all heard a zillion times)
Well, I told my AH that I am tired of the empty words, the broken promises, etc. and that his words meant nothing to me. If he was serious, I wanted to SEE it! Actions speak louder than words! The kids and I had been through enough and it was time for him to prove himself to us.
He, of course, insisted that he could not show me anything if he did not live with us. So I gave him a list of things that he could do to help show me that he truly had changed this time.
Things like.....
1) Stay sober.
2) Pay off some of his debt. (Most of which he created without my knowledge)
3) Be a better father to his children
4) Fix things around this house that have needed done for years (like a section of the siding that has been off the house now for 5 years!!!!!!)
In truth, I even did something that I shouldn't have. I took some of the bills upon myself (medical, his credit card, etc) to make it where he had more income to spend on those debts. AH makes about triple what I do so I figured he could get those debts paid off. -He hasn't!-
The other day on the phone, he actually asked me WHY we were seperated. And he also said that I expect too much. :argue:
I think that I'm not asking anything beyond a normal relationship and I don't feel that I'm being unreasonable. I realized that my AH was not irresponsible because he drank - but that drinking is part of his irresponsibility. Granted, he hasn't drank now since January and he's better with our kid's - but he hasn't done anything else to show me that our life would be different.
So what do you think? Am I being unreasonable? Or does your AH think that you ask too much too?
Well, I told my AH that I am tired of the empty words, the broken promises, etc. and that his words meant nothing to me. If he was serious, I wanted to SEE it! Actions speak louder than words! The kids and I had been through enough and it was time for him to prove himself to us.
He, of course, insisted that he could not show me anything if he did not live with us. So I gave him a list of things that he could do to help show me that he truly had changed this time.
Things like.....
1) Stay sober.
2) Pay off some of his debt. (Most of which he created without my knowledge)
3) Be a better father to his children
4) Fix things around this house that have needed done for years (like a section of the siding that has been off the house now for 5 years!!!!!!)
In truth, I even did something that I shouldn't have. I took some of the bills upon myself (medical, his credit card, etc) to make it where he had more income to spend on those debts. AH makes about triple what I do so I figured he could get those debts paid off. -He hasn't!-
The other day on the phone, he actually asked me WHY we were seperated. And he also said that I expect too much. :argue:
I think that I'm not asking anything beyond a normal relationship and I don't feel that I'm being unreasonable. I realized that my AH was not irresponsible because he drank - but that drinking is part of his irresponsibility. Granted, he hasn't drank now since January and he's better with our kid's - but he hasn't done anything else to show me that our life would be different.
So what do you think? Am I being unreasonable? Or does your AH think that you ask too much too?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
I really think that is a question everyone has to ask themselves. I'll think through it out loud, because it helps me with this too. Is it too much? Doesn't sound like it to me..sounds like a normal marriage with your husband being a good father and helping with resonsibilities around the house. Do you deserve that? That's the only thing that makes it too much - if you don't deserve it. If you think you do , then I don't think it's too much. Lots and lots of other woman have a husband that puts family first, is responsible financially, puts children above all us - I don't think it's too much.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
SS, I think you know what you expect out of the relationship..what is wrong with that?? IMO, that is a good thing and for the record..those things you asked are not too much. It is just asking him to step up and "be a man". (sorry,I am in a mood today..):8a:
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
SS, no, it's not too much, for some men. But it may be too much for your husband. He may not be the type of man who is willing, capable of, or believes he should be doing those things. Those options may not be available with the model of husband you chose.
We really should be able to pick out a husband the same way we pick out a car. We would know which options were available up-front. And they definitely should come with a warranty!
We really should be able to pick out a husband the same way we pick out a car. We would know which options were available up-front. And they definitely should come with a warranty!
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
The thing about A's in general is that asking them anything that makes them step out of their comfort zone is too much. They want you to cater to their habit and anything that disrupts that is too much. Or so that was my experience.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Javatown
Posts: 92
I relate to Journey's response -there should be options and a manual that come with! Also about the expectations part.
Myself, I was an 80's Child. Grew up in the age of television being my role models. I expected 'normal' relationships to be like that on tv -to work out the same ways as well. I got mad and disappointed when my relationships weren't normal like they 'should' be. Welcome to primetime drama hour!!!!!
Myself, I was an 80's Child. Grew up in the age of television being my role models. I expected 'normal' relationships to be like that on tv -to work out the same ways as well. I got mad and disappointed when my relationships weren't normal like they 'should' be. Welcome to primetime drama hour!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by journeygal
We really should be able to pick out a husband the same way we pick out a car. We would know which options were available up-front. And they definitely should come with a warranty!
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
I don't think it is too much to ask at all. Let me ask you...do YOU do the things you are asking of him? You took on part of his debt..you are a mother to your children and I am sure you have plenty of responsibilties that you meet each and every day. Why should you accept less of him than you expect of yourself??
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Standing strong,
No you are not asking too much, sounds pretty normal to me what you want.
The thing with A's anything is too much for them that requires they might have to function BEYOND THEMSELVES.
And of course he's going to say to you he can't show you unless he's living with you. Typical A response.
Stick to your guns.
Ngaire
No you are not asking too much, sounds pretty normal to me what you want.
The thing with A's anything is too much for them that requires they might have to function BEYOND THEMSELVES.
And of course he's going to say to you he can't show you unless he's living with you. Typical A response.
Stick to your guns.
Ngaire
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I had to look this post up so that I could see your replies again.
It's time like this especially, that I appreciate all of you so much.
When I second-guess myself - and people who know just how I feel understand - it really makes all the difference.
Thank you all for being here to continuously support me. I appreciate you all so very much.
It's time like this especially, that I appreciate all of you so much.
When I second-guess myself - and people who know just how I feel understand - it really makes all the difference.
Thank you all for being here to continuously support me. I appreciate you all so very much.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
It's not unreasonable to expect those things because any normal person would be able to do those things no problem. My AH is about the same as yours by the sounds of it. Our house is falling down around our ears (the oven is broken, the fridge is constantly leaking water, the air conditioner doesn't work, the carpet is worn out completely, the siding is falling off of the house, etc, etc, etc, yet he doesn't want to spend the money to fix anything and insists he can do it himself (when?)), he takes out loans without my knowledge, he pays little attention to the kids and doesn't like the noise they make--you know, the same garbage. And the kicker is that my husband hasn't had a drink in over six months, but the attitudes are still the same! He started attending AA meetings about three months ago and I see a small change in him, and I am hopeful, but for the most part he hasn't changed the "poor me" attitude, the it's everyone else's fault song, or the whining about how everybody "uses" him (yeah, right, it's just the opposite). I'll tell you the truth, I didn't know what a "dry drunk" was or even believe they existed until my husband stopped drinking. I know my AH will not get better until he deals with the other HUGE issues he has in his life.
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