Aquiana

Okay, I just need a second to vent. The bf came home last night. Of course like a good little girlfriend I went to pick him up, putting off all the things I had to do last night. This morning, he rushes me out of the house to get resumes made. We had to pick them up off my parent's computer so I had to go too. So we get back from their house and he says, "I'm going skating for an hour." Then the blood started to boil. We have the messiest house known to man because I've been working everyday and when I'm not I've been running around with him. So here I am cleaning it now and he's skating.....He says, wait and hour and I'll help you. So maybe I'm just being difficult but I don't want to wait an hour. I want to get it over with so I can relax for a change. Does that make sense to anybody but me? He could be out looking for a job right now too but apparently he has to get the skating in. :banghead: So I figure #$@% him, I'm getting my stuff cleaned and his is going in a big dirty heap on the floor of the bedroom. I'm also going to do what I want to do today and when. If he doesn't like it then whatever. I am sick of doing everything for him and then have him leave me to do what he wants. Oh and did I mention he took my car?

He's still doing well on the not drinking thing for now, he's just turned into a big lazy a@#h#$e!

smoke gets in my eyes

HI Aquiana,

The exercise is good for him. You have a good plan. Do your thing and leave him to do his. He doesn't need a babysitter. If you resent him using your car, don't let him use your car. Have a YOU day and have fun.

Hugs,
Smoke

lonlion

hi Aquiana; I understand how you could feel the way you do. Do you save your bitterness and anger up and then blow? That was my old way of doing things.
Then I leanrned that I should tell him (trying not to show anger) that when he does this or that I feel unappreciated and unsupported. He may not care, but at least you can express yourself.
You need to also take care of you and do pleasurable things for yourself too. Do you go to alanon meetings? Do you have Melanie Beatty's books on codependancy? Very good reading. I understand your frustration, but take care of your needs.
All the best
Diana

ASpouse

Aquiana, You asked the question and I am going to answer it as honestly as I know how.

Yes, you are being immature.

Your boyfriend has a disease, one that he will need to work on for his lifetime to keep him sober. He will need to go to AA or counselling at the least so he can come to terms as to what triggers him to drink. You need to understand this and if you don't you don't need to live with him, you are free to go and live your own life.

What exactly were your expectations of him when he came home? Did you think he was going to be a totally different person? Different habits? Do you think this is over now and now you two can both move on as if nothing happened? Sorry sweetie, it doesn't work that way.

You need to get to Al Anon and understand yourself and start being good to you and not look to him for your gratification.

Sorry, but I have to say that you are being immature.

Aquiana

Lol Okay I asked for that. Seriously though I'm very confused. I didn't think that he was going to be a whole new person though. I knew he'd still have a lot of the same habits and the same personality. I also knew it could be a lifelong problem and we're going to have to continue working on it. Some of the confusion could be that this lazy thing is a new thing. I never really had a problem with him not doing anything before, even while he was drinking. Of the many things I can say he was, lazy was not one of them. I'm very afraid right now. If I am going to make a decision about him staying of going it has to be NOW. I can't phyisically do it anymore. I don't make enough money to support both of us and my credit is now maxed. It's maxed and I can't pay it back. That's why skating as opposed to job hunting makes me very angry. It's also why I can't understand his logic.

I do consider everybody's suggestion I go to meetings here as well. Biggest issue there is my pride. We come from a small town where everybody knows everybody. In fact, one of the main councellors for the ones here is my parent's neighbor that we grew up beside our whole lives. As much as I want, and do need help, it's hard when you don't want everyone in town to know.

There's a lot of tough decisions. I don't know which way to go.

Lorelai

Hi A -
I honestly found that if I could just put all of the decision-making out of my head and focus on my recovery, it was a lot easier on me. As long as I kept thinking about staying or going, I didn't focus on the thing I needed to focus on - me.

You can set some boundaries on the money thing. You can tell him that he has to pay for half the expenses or he has to find somewhere else to live. You don't have to break up with him but you don't have to support him financially either. He can be motivated to get a job without any nagging involved.

I don't think it's so much immaturity as the need to learn new behaviors and ways of thinking. I had my head on much straighter when I was 16 years old. I was much more mature but a lot more screwed up at 40.
Hugs - L

Peaches04

Hi Aquiana, everybody has good avise, but I just wanted to say that I can relate. My AH has been in and out of jobs -'searching' for the career that will make him happy - and I always picked up the slack..always! It used to make me enraged when I'd come home and he'd have been sitting on his a&& all day, not looking for a job. Again, he just quit another GREAT paying job. So, like Lorelai said - I am for the first time understanding that HE is accountable for pulling HIS weight... for the first time EVER since all this crap - I told him he needs to come up with his 1/2 of the bills. It was really, in a way, more difficult because I do make enough money, but why should I have to forgo the things I want, because he doesn't feel like he has to be accountable? I will say this - big admission - I DO blame myself for not calling BS on this a long time ago - but, I didn't realize that was an option. We're married with 2 kids, and I thought him being 'happy' was more important. Didn't even occur to me that - oh,yeah..I should get to be happy too! haha!!
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and for whatever reason, this has been very, very hard for me to figure out how to deal with it... I see the advise people give and it's great! I just wish I had a better idea how to implement it... argh!

WHYOWHY

Hi -
I want to share my own experience with you regarding your feelings about the "cleaning thing"

My AH is the biggest slob in the world ..
We have seperate bedrooms (partley because of that & partly because of his other drinking related habits ...yelling in his sleep - flailing around ...beer breath etc)
Anyway.........
I used to be mad all the time because he did not care if the house was clean or dirty....it just did not matter to him.
His room looks like a thrift shop exploded in there & a restaurant too!
Dirty clothes EVERYWHERE....plates , cups ..recipts from 1982 ....etc.
It's disgusting.
I won't clean his room for him......but I DO clean the rest of the house...with or without his help - (mostly without). He will occaisonally do me a big favor and help......but not often.
It used to really pi** me off.....but not so much anymore.

I decided that if I (ME, MYSELF) want to have nice things ....and I don't take care of them...then I (ME , MYSELF) don't deserve to have nice things.
He could live in a full dumpster and be happy.....not me. I like things to be clean & organized....

For years I went around with a scowl on my face & a broom & mop in my hand.
Now.....I am happy when I am cleaning....BECAUSE I'M CLEANING FOR ME....AND ME ALONE. ......I don't even figure him into it.

As for YOUR BF -
I give the guy credit for at least offering to help when he got back.
I also give you credit for wanting things to be nice....so that you can relax in a clean house.
Maybe...if this comes up next time...you could let him go skating (he will be happy).... you should clean up enough to make YOU happy...and leave him a list of a few "chores" that he can do when he returns from his skating......you BOTH can be happy!

JT

My thought is that a big part of my recovery is being honest...myself. I have to ask for what I need. If I want my personal Bozo (Ward) to help I have to ask him.

Not that long ago we were having a guest come to stay for several days. Obviously the house needed to be cleaned. I gave him some chores and enough time (not the same day) and the whole thing went by seamlessly. Ward did the BATHROOMS!

We have to do a little manipulation of our own sometimes. They can't read our minds.

Hugs,
JT

StandingStrong

Ya know, I don't see it as "immature". I mean, It can be taken that way. BUT I see it as a typical "reaction" more than anything else. It's how we all act before we come to the stage of working on ourselves and having peace with that!
You can set boundaries as was stated before. If it's your car, your money, etc - then you are at fault for handing him the keys and the money, etc if you don't want too. You do have choices. I understand that dealing with them when they are ticked off sometimes is harder so we just give in to what we don't want to keep the peace - but in reality, it is YOUR decision, YOUR choice. And I think you really need to stop focusing on him so much and focus on you!
If you don't like the situation, you do have the power to change it. You may not be able to change HIM - but you can change YOU! which will change the situation.

Maggie-May

Aquiana

I can identify with pride being what is stopping you from attending Al-Anon. I too come from a very small town and walking through the door to my first Al-Anon meeting was very difficult. However, it was one of the best choices I ever made. Remember that Al-Anon is meant to be anonymous - who is there and what is said stays there. Those of us who live with the disease of alcoholism can understand you like no one else. Don't be afraid to go to the meeting. I am sure you find comfort and acceptance. Don't let pride cheat you out of recovery!

gelfling

Hi Sweets,

I don't feel you're being immature. Like a lot of us, when our spouse/partner/friend stops drinking, it's our hope that things will improve. They do and will, but with time. And for us, it can't be fast enough.

You need to take time out for yourself and not worry about him. There are going to be lots of transitions in the next year, so going to alanon meetings to educate yourself and learn to grow and detach will be a big help. Then when he wants to skate, let him. You can go to the movies or go out with your girlfriends.

I too live in a small town. Very very small town. I go to a meeting once a week that is about 25 miles away and no one knows me there. Look out of your area for meetings. I'm sure you'll find them.

It all takes time. Be patient, but be good to yourself and take care of yourself.

Blessings, Kathy

Aquiana

Thanx everyone for your ideas. There was some really good ones that I'm going to try next time. I was under a lot of stress, mostly due to our financial situation and when he wanted to go skating instead of helping, I just snapped. I KNOW I blame alot of our financial issues on him. There isn't 100% trust in terms of me believing everything he says, ie. getting a job, helping later on ect. He's let me down too many times in the past of me to all of a sudden turn around believe every word out of his mouth. You guys had some good ideas. I'm going to try leaving him of list of things I need, and letting him do it when he's ready, ( in a decent amount of time of course). I don't want to stop him from doing what he wants for fun, really I don't. I just want him to make sure he prioritizes a bit. Job first, fun later. I'm also keeping in mind that I'm cleaning because I want to.
I should admit in all fairness that he did vacuum that day and he's been shoveling snow for the last couple of days. It snowed 3-4 feet in the last couple days. I explained to him that I'm a little grouchy due to the stress, I quit smoking and want one like crazy, and it's probably a touch of PMS. I'm going to see what kind of meeting I can find. I know they're supposed to be anonymous but I'm still paranoid. Going to a different town is probably a good plan though. Thanx everyone for listening to me on a super grouchy day.

P.S. Super grouchy week actually. Smoke would be nice.

SJW

I live in a very small town, too. There is an Al-Anon meeting once a week, but I, too, choose to go out of town. Guess what? I found people I knew there, too! From THAT town! But, someone told me that because we live in a small town, everybody probably already knows about my husband's drinking. I hated to hear that. There must be SOMEONE who doesn't know about it! But it's probably true. And it's probably true in your situation, too.

I have always believed, and it has been reinforced through Al-Anon, that I am only responsible for my own thoughts and actions, and that I get to make my own choices. I have chosen not to give alcoholism the power to ruin my moment, or my day, or my life. You can choose that, too. And Al-Anon will help you learn to do it, or support you if you already know how.

You are in my thoughts.

SJW