CentralOhioDad

So yesterday was Mother's Day and my son made a big deal about it, which was nice. But I was kind of pissed about it because I 'had to' play nice as well, even though it wasn't sincere. In fact, he was being rather bratty to me the whole morning, but mother could do jo wrong.

I wanted to say to him, "Ya know, kid, that walk-on-water mother of yours stops being a mother right after you go to bed, it's me who is and will be always available for you, no matter when or where, because I'm not hooked on booze." I felt like a hypocrite for getting her cards that stated how great of a mother she is. Yes, she bore a wonderful child, I'm not denying that. He's only 6 and it will come to him in due time, unfortunately.

But, I can say that to you guys and I know you'll understand.

Thanks for the venting.

CODad

hopeful4

Vent away! Boy do I understand! You just want them to know, but you also know it's not your place to tell them. Ugh.

Just know you are in a place that we 100% completely and totally understand.

Many Hugs. It's later in life that they learn to appreciate all you do and have done to protect them, just know that.

firebolt

(((HUGS))) to you. You are right, he'll see it all soon enough, and that's so sad. Happy 'mother's' day to you COD - you get both holidays

Wisconsin

Oh COD...

My DS turns 6 tomorrow. It can be a tough age. I agree completely that kids are much savvier than we give them credit for. More will be revealed, not just to you, but to him as well.

FireSprite

((((Hugs)))) They get it, they do... they just don't have words tied to all of their emotions just yet. At this age DD knew daddy loved her but it was me that she defaulted to every time she needed something. I was the one spending quality time bonding with her & biting my tongue to hold back my resentments every time Fun Dad walked into the scene.

When she tried to explain to me that she trusted me more she didn't even understand what the word trust meant. She said, "You are ALWAYS there Mom and you TEACH me stuff so I learn....ALWAYS, for everything. Always." That's what trust means to a 5/6 yr old - consistency & patience & always showing up.

dandylion

CentralOhioDad......you are doing the right thing....although I fully understand how it irks you inside....
No matter how the future unfolds for all of you...I know that, deep down, you would never want to raise him to adult hood hating his mother.....
A man ;who hates his mother is a man with a lot of pain inside.....

LOl....if he ever has a child of his own...he will learn, overnight, to appreciate all the things you did for him that he just took for granted!
You are doing fine....

dandylion

CentralOhioDad

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful and supportive replies. I knew you would 'get it' - even if I did come from a slightly selfish place. She spends more time with him because she doesn't do much around the house, so I end up being the one who is 'always busy'. My time spent with him is taking him to baseball practice, or cooking dinner, or giving him a bath and putting him to bed. She doesn't care when she gets to work, so they have snuggle time in the morning, and I don't have that time.

And to your point, Dandylion, I did appreciate my parents SO much more after I had a child of my own.

C-OH Dad

Berrybean

Apparently when I was about 6, I wrote about my mum and dad and what they do for me. I wrote that mum goes to her shop job and her cleaning job and cleans our house and cooks the dinner and washes and irons my clothes and baths us and looks after us and takes us to dancing and football, and so on and so forth. The bit about my dad read 'dad goes to the pub and then goes to sleep'.

Apparently I was an observant child after all , although I'd never spoken about it to either of them. I don't suppose that's too unusual. Kids notice LOTS. I bet your son knows much more than he let's on. Alcoholism is the elephant in the room. Everyone knows it's there, but no one talks about it.

Gonnachange

My kids are in their 20's, but I remember when I was a new parent and being surprised about how much they observed even if they could not fully articulate. C-OH Dad, keep on keeping on. You KNOW you're doing the right thing and you and your son are better off for it.

redatlanta

I am sorry for this! I do think yo did the right thing with the cards and all because your son was excited to celebrate mothers day. A he gets older things more will be revealed to him, but its always great to have a wonderful memory.

To the point of what you are doing.....this relationship sounds so enabling, and exhausting for you. It sounds like she's the queen and you are the servant. I'm sure you enjoy every second with your little guy, but the time spent is spent meeting obligations rather than fun time. Why don't you re evaluate what you are doing and stop some of it to spend some quality fun time with him? If the house doesn't get cleaned for a day or so, or something else has to be put on hold then fine. Your description sounds like Mom is the fun one and Dad is not because Dad makes it possible for mom to be the fun one. Dad sounds really tired to me.

CentralOhioDad

RedAtlanta - you nailed it. I am very tired, and very down today. She complains how she is the only one who does anything around the house, and is supposedly cleaning up my messes! And, since her boss is in love with her because he has a lousy marriage and is constantly telling my AW how pretty/beautiful/wonderful she is, that just boosts the narcissistic ego even more. Plus, she comes and goes from the office as she pleases - which means she can lounge in bed and snuggle with our son in the mornings, while responsible dad gets up and gets to work on time.

We took him to practice his baseball the other day - for 2 hours. At dinner and bedtime prayers he says, "Thank you, Jesus, for mommy playing baseball with me." She sat on the bench half the time! I took him to dinner last night - where he wanted to go, and I get nothing. She goes out after work with people from work, and he says, "I hope mommy is having a good time." Yes, mommy was out drinking, and then came home and drank more - you can darn well bet mommy is having a blast. Meanwhile, dad is picking you up from school, giving you a bath, reading you books, doing laundry, and paying the bills - while mommy is out drinking.

So yes, she sees herself as the queen, and I do feel like the servant. I also do most of the disciplining, since in the A's world, just about anything goes.

I wouldn't mind being single parent if she was gone, but being a single parent with her inebriated arse lying around is not much fun.

Another day, another rant.

Wisconsin

After I moved out last year, my workload at home decreased by at least 75%. New place is half the size of the place I shared with STBXAH. I'm no longer cleaning up after him. I'm no longer cleaning up after his dog (a dog I adore, but I got VERY sick of being the only person caring for the dog as he aged and had multiple accidents in the house on an almost daily basis). And of course, I'm no longer walking on eggshells 24/7, which is exhausting all by itself, regardless of the endless housework that fell onto my lap.

CentralOhioDad

Yes, the walking on eggshells while trying to figure out the 'mood of the moment', is exhausting. She'll b*tch at me one minute, and then 5 minutes later she's all cheery, then she berates me for being old and grumpy!! Aaauuuggghhh

redatlanta

What this is is the result of codependent alcohol relationship while many an alcoholic is totally miserable, some are not to their kids. The sober parent IS miserable and you better believe that rubs off on the child. He is too young to know the difference between responsibility and a good time. That kind of cognition won't happen until he is a couple of years older. For now why not change your relationship with your child? I know you are an amazing father and you are towing the line, but how does your child view you? You are unhappy and tired. Mom is fun and snuggly.

So her boss man is in love with her? She is apparently having an emotional affair, and also making you well aware of it? Come on COD what the what????? This behavior is BULL. Time to get back to you, detaching, and stopping the enabling fun fest.

Perhaps it's time to visit the lawyer again.

hopeful4

I so understand. I remember when my kids were too young to understand addiction, right around that same age. It was really hard b/c at times their dad was Mr. Fun dad. Sadly, that did not last, and Mr. Fun dad turned into drunk and vile dad. It's quite sad really. As my kids grew, and got some education through counseling and experience, they now get it. They know who is there for them and who is not, believe me.

Just keep being the excellent dad you are, and I promise you are appreciated!

CentralOhioDad

Yes, an emotional affair - I told her that 2 months ago. She poo-poos it, of course. Says he's "just a good friend who happens to be a guy". Riiiight. Texting from morning until night, plus going to lunch almost every day?? You don't tell someone who works for you that they are: hot, gorgeous, beautiful, sexy, etc. That's not appropriate in any setting. He's unhappy in his marriage, and I'm sure she has told him how miserable she is in hers. One day they texted 250 times! 'Just a friend'? I think not.

Yes, I need to change my relationship with my son, quickly. I also need to go to Al-Anon.

I need this forum today - it's helping. Thank you!

hopeful4

Oh man. That sounds just like what my X usto do. I found out his "emotional" affairs had been a lot more than what he claimed.

Alanon is a great thought...GO! And...I am glad the forum is helping. It has helped me so much over the years. Just to be with a group of people who understand is invaluable.

I know it's hard to take the high road with your son, but I PROMISE, you will reap the rewards many times over. As he gets older, dear ol mom will show who she is, and he will be able to understand just what that means. It will hurt to see him hurt, but by your being there for him unconditionally will be his rock.

Hugs.

dandylion

CentralOhioDad......redAtlanta's words....."he is too young to know the difference between responsibility and a good time".....really ring true.
He is a child....and kids love BOTH of their parents. Even when one parent is more "awful" than the other parent (in the adult view)....the child yearns for both parents.
Even when a parent is sent off to jail for years for bad crimes...the child still dreams of and yearns for that parent.....even, idealizes that parent, in their mind.
Please don't look to your son to take a side. If he were to take a side...that is the set-up for him to have big internal conflicts in his future life. You want him to grow up to have good emotional health.....I know that you love him.

In a child's mind....love for one parent doesn't mean LESS love for the other parent.
In relationships between parents...when there is conflict, it is pretty normal for the parents to see it as two sides....like in a war....his side/her side....kind of like a mini War of the Roses....
I have heard it said, by developmental psychologists, that children can adjust to divorce in the overall....that it is not the DIVORCE, in itself....but how the conflict between the parents is navigated.....as long as the children feel loved by both parents and are NOT caught in the middle....because, that is what causes the lasting damage.....

I think that the things that you are unhappy about have to do with your wife, solely.....the exhaustion, the resentment, the lopsidedness of your role responsibilities....

Just don't expect your son to UNDERSTAND it in the way an adult would....children are called kids because they are not adults.....

dandylion

CentralOhioDad.....I don't remember if you are getting any face-to-face support, but I think you could really use some......I am thinking of a mens support group of some kind.....maybe you could find one through a google search for your locality.

redatlanta

Just stating the obvious, if it has not gotten physical yet it's probably going to. In my book it wouldnt matter one iota if they lived in each other's orifices, what they are doing is being unfaithful.

250 texts In one day? Texting all day and night? Well I tell ya what. Since he thinks she hung the moon I'd be shipping her on over to him. You know what happens to unlucky mistresses ( which is what she is)? They end up with the men they had affairs with.

Dude this is ridiculous. She is not even trying to hide it, rather throwing it in your face. Bye!!! See ya! Have a nice life!

FireSprite

Hell to the Yes, Red! I agree 1000%..... I know it sucks but it comes down to choices for all of us.

You CAN choose differently Dad - I had to learn this & force myself to follow through. I had to deal with skipping the chores sometimes - they really DO wait! - and prioritize fun & quality bonding with my DD.

Here's another thought - when you CAN but AREN'T choosing the better path for you, you're just as guilty of martyring yourself to the situation & your Role in it. I still have to watch myself for this kind of behavior & I can hear it when I start talking with too many "have-to's". I HAVE TO do this, I HAVE TO get that done, etc. I'd told myself that for so long that I believed it.

Now - I realize eventually these things do need to be done, I'm not suggesting skipping all of life's responsibilities. I just mean that we can often create more balance in our lives than we realize when we just keep following old patterns.

Surely, the text-evidence of her emotional affair helps your cause for divorce? That's a new development since you last spoke to your attorney, right?