CentralOhioDad

Yes, the emotional affair just started several months ago after she got this new job.

FireSprite

I wanted to circle back to this thought for a moment.

How DO our children view us? More than that - how are we TEACHING our sons/daughters to tolerate behavior in their future spouses? How are we modeling a healthy relationship for them to follow?

This is the thought that has propelled me to action many, many times. When I played the tape "all the way through" I saw DD perpetuating the exact. same. effed. up. dynamic. in the future, for the 4th consecutive generation.

How could she NOT if I wasn't teaching her differently?

I watched a TED talk a few weeks ago & they stated emphatically that while what we tell our kids is important, what we SHOW them is CRITICAL. (actions, not words, right?) You can tell a kid to do something 10,000 times but when it comes down to it they will imitate what they SEE almost every time.

So fast-forward Dad; is there a way to keep the vision of him -sitting on the couch reading to his own son, resenting his addict wife & feeling stuck- from ever happening at all? Where/when does that start for you?

I hope you hear this the way I intend it - non judgmentally.... just food for thought ...... (((((((((HUGS))))))))))

CentralOhioDad

FS, I completely hear what you say, and - thank you! I need the 'tough love' and directness fired at me sometimes to get it thru my thick head.

You guys just keep firing at me, I'm slowly coming around. DS deserves the best life he can get, and he's not getting that right now. And yes, I do feel stuck - I'm not one to rock the boat, except the boat is sinking and we'll all go down if I don't hurry up and do some rockin'.

firebolt

COD, I've seen it over and over in here, and with myself - at some point, we just snap. In a good way!

And once that happens, the cunning devil himself won't be able to stop you.

Hang in there - keep doing the next right things. It takes A LOT to change our lives. A lot of courage, a lot of strength, a lot trudging forward with blind faith that things will happen as we need them. All that is in the works, even if you aren't feeling the momentum at the moment. Eventually, the dam just bursts, and all we care about is that freedom.

Best to you!

Refiner

I agree with FB. With a lot of us, the switch gets flipped in your head and you're like WTF! I deserve better than this and things will be MUCH better apart. I think you're slowly getting there. Do you keep a journal? If not, it might be time to keep track of a pluses and minuses column.

Wisconsin

Truth. I had a series of switches flipped, but the big one was not being called names, or insulted. It wasn't my STBXAH trying to force his way into a room I had retreated to, to get away from him. It was dog food. A fight about dog food.

You just never know. Keep your focus on your own recovery, and on maintaining a healthy, loving relationship with your son.

firebolt

^ Ha - ours was a fight about me deciding I couldn't take his dog to work with me one day.

Go figure. If that's what it took - I'll take it!

FireSprite

Everything in my recovery process has been a series of flipped switches, definitely. Every one of us gets there when we're ready - I never meant to imply otherwise, sorry if it came off that way. For that matter - every single child & family dynamic is different & has different timing/needs. There is never a single right way for all to follow.

And I agree - you KNOW when it happens. I'll never forget my moment either -it came the day after I hit my Codie Rock Bottom Moment. Hearing RAH (then secret-drinking AH) whine on & on about "not knowing WHAT he wanted......." after a particularly horrid weekend filled with an endless parade of uncovered lies when he should have been begging me to forgive him.

I went completely emotionless in a split second & heard the thought happening in my head as I was speaking it, "Well, I know what *I* DON'T want..... this!" ..... I had marched right to his closet & starting filling every bag/suitcase/garbage bag I could find & heaved every bit of it onto the bed of his truck. I only spoke to him long enough to tell him to help if he cared at all about how it was being heaved because, make no mistake, I was continuing to heave. And I was just simply done discussing anything with him.

I told him to meet me at the courthouse in the morning, on neutral ground & we could begin to discuss where we go from there in terms of divorce because I was done waiting for him to decide "what he wanted".

I didn't connect the dots to addiction/codependency/need for recovery for months after this event & I spent a lot of time spinning my wheels into exhaustion. I'm really glad that I found SR shortly after that because that crazy-lady I turned into that weekend could have easily gone insane needing to control every little thing from that point forward. I really, really needed a better understanding of boundaries vs ultimatums, detachment, actions vs. reactions, among so many other things.

Liveitwell

Oh yes! FS-I've been that crazy lady before-years ago and I don't miss her at all. Recovery is hard work and it feels completely WRONG-bc it's so opposite of what we Codie's were born to do (at least in my case I was Codie all my life bc of my alcoholic father and enabling Codie mom). I'm glad to have broken those chains and moved on in a healthy way.

COD-dude, you can so do this, you know you feel it, your kid feels it, start marching.

Hugs.

CentralOhioDad

I left work a bit early yesterday, picked him up from school early, and said, "I have nothing to do but what you want to do." Of course, he had 26 ideas to do all at once! While driving home we passed by the high school and he saw the stadium lights on and said, "I want to see what they are doing." We got home and I changed clothes, and we went. Turned out to be the girls lacrosse match. He had never seen lacrosse before, and we had a good time just sitting there with him on my lap watching it. Mother was forced to make dinner and do the dishes because I wasn't home to do it.

You all really, REALLY helped me get through yesterday. The switches are being flipped.
Thank you.

CODad

redatlanta

Its amazing isn't it? When you weren't there to cook dinner the dinner got made, and the dishes got cleaned. Guess what? If she hadn't made dinner I'm sure there are plenty of restaurants around your house. As for the dishes they are content to sit for a night or two. Sound like you and your son had a great time. These are the moments he will always remember - dad spontaneously saying "lets go have fun"!

Bravo you are getting it!

maia1234

Cod,
I want to put my 2 cents in on this thread. The anger I hear in your voice toward your threads and others I see you hold a lot of resentment. Now understand that resentment only hurts you and your child, not her. I think it is great that u spent the afternoon with him, having a great day, that's awesome. You need more days like that.

The question is what are you doing for you. Your wife is an alcoholic and drinks. I am sure at one time she was a wonderful lady, plus she is also a child of God. I see the anger you have for her and I would recommend trying to have some compassion for her. When your heart softens and seperate her disease from her it will make things clearer in your mind/heart. Anger makes us bitter people and I am sure you being the typical codie, you don't want to be that person. I am not saying you have to forgive all the crap she has put u through, but trying to seperate it and letting it be her junk and not engaging. This will make you happier and you will feel better, and find peace in your life.

You mentioned your son praying for mom, and then wanting an awesome day for mom for mothers day, what a lovely jester. Mom needs all the prayers and love she can get. How awesome that your little boy has such a kind heart. This is what you have instilled in him. You should be proud, not resentful for what he is doing. They say the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree, so pat yourself on the back, that he is praying for her.

I left my axh after 34 years and protected my kids from all his crap. Now we r divorced and his true colors show everyday, but i am not there to hide it. My kids new and know who they can always count on just from my daily actions. Love and kindness goes a long way. Open your heart and try and seperate from her disease, find compassion for her struggles and you will be able to move forward the way u were suppose too. You might want to go read the new to recovery forum and try and understand the struggles alcoholics live with everyday. Their lives are miserable and if you let them drag u down with them it is awful. You dont want to have a bitter, angry child, you want him to see how u r handling things. Hang in there my friend, you son will find his path, just be there for him the way you are and it will all fall in to place the way God had Intended.

schnappi99

The turning point for me was in my 1st year in alanon, listening to an alanon speaker tape, she introduced the "4 G's"- Get out of their way, Get off their back, Get on with your life, Give her to God (or the universe or whatever). And I realized how much I was doing the opposite of those 4 things; all in her business and judging what she was doing and imposing what I thought my needs were. The uncomfortable thing was, by adopting the 4 G's it left me alone with all the cravings; emotional, physical etc. But making that distinction and starting to see how I might act differently was the beginning; the trouble was no longer all the stuff she was doing that was the cause- it was more what resentments, judgements etc that I was fostering in my own head. At that point I had to get real about boundaries, meaning what am I willing to live with or not, and if not, what am I prepared to do to exit the situation- can't change what she does, only what I do. Just like it says in the big book, anger is the dubious luxury of others- I cannot keep it in my head any more, I start reacting and turning into an a$$hole.

A boundary might be that the text/sext/whatever thing she has going on with her boss makes you uncomfortable, and that either she makes that arrangement appropriate given her marriage to you or you are prepared to leave. A demand that she change is probably not the right approach.

Another might involve how much drinking and drunken behavior are you able to accept?

Boundaries aren't about what she has to do, but are about behavior you can live with. IMHO they are reciprocal. In my case, I find I cannot live around active addiction, but I also realize I cannot impose any of mine on others- my addictions/fixations are on emotions/behaviors but nonetheless I need to see to my own behavior and not sit in judgement or make demands.

When I started in recovery I was profoundly unaware of my own responsibility in managing my own composure or peace of mind- it was all about what she was doing that was messing it up. Alanon taught me about physical/emotional/spiritual self-care, it was a big eye-opener for me.

Eauchiche

I wanted to add to Maia's comment about loving our addict mates. I absolutely agree, but also believe we Codies fail to realize that the best way to love them, could be separation from them.
Keep coming back, Dad. Hang in there!!!!!

CentralOhioDad

There was a post by Expanding the other day asking if she ever loved her husband at any point. Any love I had seems to have been replaced with pity and sadness for what she's doing to herself, and the family, on a daily basis.

I see your point about separating her and the 'disease', or whatever it is, but she chooses to stop at the store and pick up bottle after bottle of wine. The ;thing' has become a part of who she is - her demeanor, her moods, her anger, her lashing out - are who she is, and has been, for the last half-decade. She can, if she chooses that path, to stop getting those bottles, and become a complete parent for our son. Yes, there is anger and resentment in my words, and in my heart - and I know that those are not emotions I want DS to see, hear, or feel from me.

Maybe I didn't/don't have a healthy response to who she is now, and I will work on that. But she needs to do her part, and that's not happening. I feel I've been the one bending over backwards, making concessions, being the step-and-fetch-it boy for way too long, while she does as she pleases - and I've reached my point.

Yes, I am happy that my son has the dear, kind, and compassionate heart that he has - he is anything but a selfish brat. And I think that's why I'm more angry, because he will get hurt even more deeply because he is a caring soul, and I don't want to lose that.

Please don't think I'm arguing or dismissing what you say - I understand where you're coming from and will give your words deep consideration. I am working on the 'keeping my side of the street clean'. I also like the 4-G's idea, and I've started implementing those already. Thank you for that.

I have a letter written to her that is loving, but direct. It's long, and it will P*** her off to no end, but it states facts about her actions, states that I will support any recovery she chooses, states that if she decides to continue her ways as they are today, that she will have to be one her own away from us, because our DS deserves better. I'm done with the quacking or leaving me, and her telling me over and over how sh*tty of a person I am. I told her I refuse to get sucked into the vortex of her destructive ways - if she wants to be miserable, then she's on her own, I will enjoy my life.

Thank you for all your words, support, and thought-provoking ideas.

CODad

Liveitwell

COD-I gave my ex many letters exactly like that....word for word. They didn't do one iota of good. I'd maybe get one decent day out of him after reading a heartfelt letter from me and then by day two or three, bam, right back to crazy and abuse town. The only way I found peace for myself and my kids was leaving him to his addiction and enablers and flying monkeys. I agree that compassion is good, absolutely. But you can be compassionate and still very firm with boundaries. As my pastor told me (I've shared this before), an appropriate boundary with my then husband and his abuse and alcoholism was divorce. Divirce is an appropriate boundary in a situation like this/to protect yourself and your child.

Peace.

hopeful4

Now, have a plan to back up everything you said when she decides to just continue to spiral. I wish I could say I believe she will take your letter to heart and actually change, but it's not too likely.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Hugs.

CentralOhioDad

I really don't expect her to change much, if at all, but it basically lays down the boundaries in writing - since she seems to have selective memory of what I say. This idea was proposed by the lawyer I talked to several years ago.

I also keep a daily journal of her antics, and along with that I add my feelings and such - helps me get things out. It gives me concrete dates, times and facts about what she does - which the lawyer said would be helpful. It also serves a reminder sometimes of what's been going on, on those times when I get complacent, which happen more than it should.

Liveitwell

^ hopeful, thank you for pointing that out....it's always good to remember that WE are just as guilty of not meaning what we say (by our actions) and not following through-our words were just as meaningles as theirs. Great reminder, hopeful!

COD-good for you for keeping a journal-that may just save your child when/if you divorce.

Wisconsin

Just something to keep in mind...if you find yourself repeating boundaries to your AW because of her "selective memory," then the boundaries may actually be "rules" you are establishing to try to control her behavior. I think that many of us find, as we grow in our recoveries, it's not even necessary to verbalize our boundaries. The boundaries are for US, not for our qualifiers, and they are only as powerful as our willingness to enforce them.