Is my spouse justified?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
Is my spouse justified?
I've put my husband through the emotional wringer in terms of disappointing him when I drink or making promises and relapsing.
However, he admits that he treats me differently than everyone else. He says he doesn't respect me and sometimes loves me/sometimes doesn't. He says I will constantly fail because nothing has worked so far. And because I've hurt him so much he has a right to treat me differently than his friends and family. He says I emotionally disgust him.
I've always been a high achiever and drinking and depression has made me a shell of my former self. We have talked divorce many times and I know he has seen lawyers. He has threatened me that if he doesn't get his way in the divorce he will use all the "evidence" he has gathered and journaled throughout the years and expose my alcoholism and everything else. I know he doesn't want me to get half custody of our child or even any legal custody. My son is attached to both of us. I have no criminal record, but I'm not currently working and I know he would want to limit what financial amount I'd get in a settlement. I basically feel threatened.
He said he's doing it to protect our son, but then he still leaves me with him for entire weeks while he goes on vacation and at night when he works a part-time job. He also buys me drinks occasionally, like when I had my bender a few days ago and then failed to stop. He keeps beer at our house because that has never been a trigger for me.
I just wish I had his support, rather than his threats. The constant verbal putdowns just erode my self esteem more than it already is. I don't understand why I have to take accountability for all my actions/choices, but he feels it is justified to treat me poorly because I hurt him first. That isn't love. But maybe I'm wrong in my way of thinking? Maybe I do deserve it and I drove him to be this way?
However, he admits that he treats me differently than everyone else. He says he doesn't respect me and sometimes loves me/sometimes doesn't. He says I will constantly fail because nothing has worked so far. And because I've hurt him so much he has a right to treat me differently than his friends and family. He says I emotionally disgust him.
I've always been a high achiever and drinking and depression has made me a shell of my former self. We have talked divorce many times and I know he has seen lawyers. He has threatened me that if he doesn't get his way in the divorce he will use all the "evidence" he has gathered and journaled throughout the years and expose my alcoholism and everything else. I know he doesn't want me to get half custody of our child or even any legal custody. My son is attached to both of us. I have no criminal record, but I'm not currently working and I know he would want to limit what financial amount I'd get in a settlement. I basically feel threatened.
He said he's doing it to protect our son, but then he still leaves me with him for entire weeks while he goes on vacation and at night when he works a part-time job. He also buys me drinks occasionally, like when I had my bender a few days ago and then failed to stop. He keeps beer at our house because that has never been a trigger for me.
I just wish I had his support, rather than his threats. The constant verbal putdowns just erode my self esteem more than it already is. I don't understand why I have to take accountability for all my actions/choices, but he feels it is justified to treat me poorly because I hurt him first. That isn't love. But maybe I'm wrong in my way of thinking? Maybe I do deserve it and I drove him to be this way?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
I know it's SO HARD, but right now, don't focus on him.
Do you want change? Change from the inside out? Then choose to not put alcohol in your body. It's within your power to make this choice - you have all the power in the world over this choice. As long as you don't have the first drink, you won't surrender your power.
Don't focus on him. Focus on not putting alcohol into your body. You cannot even begin to deal with relationship issues, getting back into solid employment or regaining your own sense of self respect until you have sober time under your belt, in my humble opinion.
I get it - I really do. My husband and I drank together for a long time, but I always drank long after he'd fall asleep. Last summer I wanted to move out because I was sick of our cycle of using together, and he told me I'd never be able to get sober on my own.
Well, I am. Saturday will be 50 days. He has had beer in the house and at first he drank every night, in front of me, and has asked me to buy his beer - which I won't.
The past few days he hasn't brought any beer into the house - I think he's feeling sheepish drinking by himself.
Point is, I realized that I have power over the decision of whether or not to drink.
Do you want change? Change from the inside out? Then choose to not put alcohol in your body. It's within your power to make this choice - you have all the power in the world over this choice. As long as you don't have the first drink, you won't surrender your power.
Don't focus on him. Focus on not putting alcohol into your body. You cannot even begin to deal with relationship issues, getting back into solid employment or regaining your own sense of self respect until you have sober time under your belt, in my humble opinion.
I get it - I really do. My husband and I drank together for a long time, but I always drank long after he'd fall asleep. Last summer I wanted to move out because I was sick of our cycle of using together, and he told me I'd never be able to get sober on my own.
Well, I am. Saturday will be 50 days. He has had beer in the house and at first he drank every night, in front of me, and has asked me to buy his beer - which I won't.
The past few days he hasn't brought any beer into the house - I think he's feeling sheepish drinking by himself.
Point is, I realized that I have power over the decision of whether or not to drink.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
I agree with madgirl. I think the focus should be on you and not your husband.
But, since you asked, here is my 2 cents worth.
If you quit drinking, one of two things will happen: First, your husband may grow to respect you again, realize he has been treating you unfairly, and try to make things work for you two. Or, once you get sober, you may realize that you deserve better than him and you will decide to move on. If this happens, your sobriety will better equip you to deal with the separation and to obtain custody of your child. Either one of these two outcomes would put you in a better place than you are now.
If you keep drinking, your husband will undoubtedly continue to treat you badly and your situation will not improve. And if he does choose to divorce you, your drinking will make it harder to obtain custody of your child in the divorce.
Babescake, I think now is the time for you to commit yourself completely to getting and staying sober. What do you think?
But, since you asked, here is my 2 cents worth.
If you quit drinking, one of two things will happen: First, your husband may grow to respect you again, realize he has been treating you unfairly, and try to make things work for you two. Or, once you get sober, you may realize that you deserve better than him and you will decide to move on. If this happens, your sobriety will better equip you to deal with the separation and to obtain custody of your child. Either one of these two outcomes would put you in a better place than you are now.
If you keep drinking, your husband will undoubtedly continue to treat you badly and your situation will not improve. And if he does choose to divorce you, your drinking will make it harder to obtain custody of your child in the divorce.
Babescake, I think now is the time for you to commit yourself completely to getting and staying sober. What do you think?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
Oh I agree. I'm working on that part. I do well for awhile and then fall off the wagon. I've mentioned before that it was hard for me to accept being an alcoholic because I don't drink everyday, no withdrawals etc., but I know I am. It has caused significant problems in my life (making my depression worse, and the reason I started in the first place). Time to change. I know I shouldn't focus, but too much free time. When I'm home alone is a trigger point, so I'm trying to find some fulfilling part-time work because I need to get out of the house, be productive, and financially it is needed. Plus it keeps my mind off things. Working out too as I used to be very big into health and fitness until last year. It is amazing how quickly things can escalate.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
"He says I will constantly fail because nothing has worked so far. And because I've hurt him so much he has a right to treat me differently than his friends and family. He says I emotionally disgust him."
A person may be 'justified' in feeling hurt, angry, let down, frustrated, afraid or betrayed.....
But none of those feelings 'justify' treating a spouse with cruelty, disrespect or hurtful words and behaviors.
A person may be 'justified' in feeling hurt, angry, let down, frustrated, afraid or betrayed.....
But none of those feelings 'justify' treating a spouse with cruelty, disrespect or hurtful words and behaviors.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Lots of good advice here babes. It's extremely hard for those around us to understand addiction, even harder than for us to understand it ourselves. As difficult as it seems, you must focus on getting better yourself - because that, and only that, will allow you to slowly regain the trust and respect of those around us. We've all made the promises and broken them, people don't want to hear about what we are going to do...they want us to DO it. And you will be rewarded when you do.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
Unfortunately, there are consequences to our actions. Sometimes, our loved ones decide it is too much for us and that they need to stay away. Sometimes our spouses are tired of being on the merry-go-round of addiction.
All you can control is yourself. Unfortunately, sometimes we clean up our act too late to keep certain things in our lives the same. He is hurt and tired of the cycle of addiction. Focus on you and on your son. Take the steps that you need to better your life and the life of your son. In the end you can't control him, but you can control yourself and that is what you need to focus on.
I know it is hard, and that when someone we love starts to pull back and get ready to leave it can cause us to use more..but remember that using and drinking is what is pushing them away and using or drinking more is not the answer.
All you can control is yourself. Unfortunately, sometimes we clean up our act too late to keep certain things in our lives the same. He is hurt and tired of the cycle of addiction. Focus on you and on your son. Take the steps that you need to better your life and the life of your son. In the end you can't control him, but you can control yourself and that is what you need to focus on.
I know it is hard, and that when someone we love starts to pull back and get ready to leave it can cause us to use more..but remember that using and drinking is what is pushing them away and using or drinking more is not the answer.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
I would like to believe and think he always loves you, I suspect he doesn't always like your actions, i.e. drinking and quite often when we are upset we say things we do not mean.
I can tell you from experience on both sides of the coin its hard being in a relationship if someone is drinking to excess, I would want to be around me when i did and I was in a relationship for 18 months with a lady I loved dearly that could not put a cork in it, still stay in contact with her kids.
I encourage you to put a cork in it for yourself, your hubby and your children, everyone benefits when we stop.
Andrew
I can tell you from experience on both sides of the coin its hard being in a relationship if someone is drinking to excess, I would want to be around me when i did and I was in a relationship for 18 months with a lady I loved dearly that could not put a cork in it, still stay in contact with her kids.
I encourage you to put a cork in it for yourself, your hubby and your children, everyone benefits when we stop.
Andrew
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As others have said, working on yourself is the best thing to do. Try to be the best person you can be. At some point in your recovery, couples counselling might be helpful for the two of you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
being at the other end of a drinking problem is no picnic for anyone. and it can certainly lead to disappointment and frustration, for ANYONE. however, your H seems to have a crossed the line a bit with the things he saying to you and how he is saying them.
things just aren't good between you two right now, period. as others have stated, the BEST thing you can do is all this is get sober and STAY sober. that way you are better able to handle ANYTHING that happens. i'd suggest doing so without any fanfare or hoopla, no proclamations solemn oaths. just do it. do it for YOU.
things just aren't good between you two right now, period. as others have stated, the BEST thing you can do is all this is get sober and STAY sober. that way you are better able to handle ANYTHING that happens. i'd suggest doing so without any fanfare or hoopla, no proclamations solemn oaths. just do it. do it for YOU.
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