Experiences with informal intervention?
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Join Date: May 2016
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Experiences with informal intervention?
I have a friend who is spiraling out of control, and I know from being in the same small profession, that he is burning bridges, and damaging his reputation. A few mutual friends and I have been discussing whether or not we should try to talk to him about it. I want to hear from people who have tried to talk to someone about addiction, how did it go? How did they initially react? Was it of any help?
Two more issues we are weighing: he has a family we don't really know but has been kicked out of the home. Would this be crossing a line with anything they are trying to do? Also, he has been crossing the line/standing up and letting down friends professionally (for years) really and we have all put up with it. Would just bowing out be more of a wakeup call...as in a natural consequence to his actions.
He is an expert at un-cornering himself from anything and is definitely and Alpha type.
All input greatly appreciated, thanks! I asked the same thing on the newcomers bored but I was hoping for some insight from both sides. We know we can't control his decision but we at least wanted to try and help. We care about him but the thought of bringing this up is scary.
Two more issues we are weighing: he has a family we don't really know but has been kicked out of the home. Would this be crossing a line with anything they are trying to do? Also, he has been crossing the line/standing up and letting down friends professionally (for years) really and we have all put up with it. Would just bowing out be more of a wakeup call...as in a natural consequence to his actions.
He is an expert at un-cornering himself from anything and is definitely and Alpha type.
All input greatly appreciated, thanks! I asked the same thing on the newcomers bored but I was hoping for some insight from both sides. We know we can't control his decision but we at least wanted to try and help. We care about him but the thought of bringing this up is scary.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Hello and welcome. You are obviously coming from a good place, your friend is lucky to have you.
I have heard all different stories about interventions. For my X, it did not work. However, I have heard others that it has. I am sure if his family has kicked them out they are just done with his behavior. I doubt by your showing you care and trying to help would derail anything for them, it's likely there is nothing left to derail.
I would say the first step would be just to sit down and offer your concern, open up that you care, and go from there.
Good luck!
I have heard all different stories about interventions. For my X, it did not work. However, I have heard others that it has. I am sure if his family has kicked them out they are just done with his behavior. I doubt by your showing you care and trying to help would derail anything for them, it's likely there is nothing left to derail.
I would say the first step would be just to sit down and offer your concern, open up that you care, and go from there.
Good luck!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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Interventions have a pretty low success rate, and those are professionally-led interventions. Generally, they are only successful when the people conducting the intervention are ready and willing to withdraw all support from the addict if the addict refuses treatment, AND the addict is teetering on the brink of sobriety anyway. An intervention also generally includes an offer of treatment. An intervention will not convince a determined addict to quit his or her drug of choice. The addict has to be ready to quit, with or without an intervention.
I'm not sure that as professional friends and colleagues, you have much sway in this situation. Hell, plenty of addicts walk out of interventions where they are told they will not see their children again as long as they are using, and go straight to their drug of choice.
My guess is that if he has been kicked out of his home, his family has been dealing with the fallout of his behavior for a very long time and finally got to the point where enough is enough. It's anybody's guess what they've tried, but if he has been sent away, they may feel that staying detached from him is more important for their own well-being than jumping into the fire again with an intervention.
I guess I would say that IF you and your group are COMMITTED to cutting ties with him, then sit him down and have a talk. Based on your description of the situation, I suspect he will continue right on behaving the way he's behaving, and you guys will need to cut him off socially and professionally.
I'm not sure that as professional friends and colleagues, you have much sway in this situation. Hell, plenty of addicts walk out of interventions where they are told they will not see their children again as long as they are using, and go straight to their drug of choice.
My guess is that if he has been kicked out of his home, his family has been dealing with the fallout of his behavior for a very long time and finally got to the point where enough is enough. It's anybody's guess what they've tried, but if he has been sent away, they may feel that staying detached from him is more important for their own well-being than jumping into the fire again with an intervention.
I guess I would say that IF you and your group are COMMITTED to cutting ties with him, then sit him down and have a talk. Based on your description of the situation, I suspect he will continue right on behaving the way he's behaving, and you guys will need to cut him off socially and professionally.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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Two more issues we are weighing: he has a family we don't really know but has been kicked out of the home.
My personal feeling is that if each and every one of you friends/colleges simple stops putting up with it, YOUR lives will become more manageable and this person can no longer have such an effect on you.
Alcoholics blame, alcoholics find new enablers sometimes for years and years this becomes their life. They can explain away just about everything with blame towards others never accepting any of the responsibility for their failed relationships.
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I would stay completely out of it - there is nothing in what you shared that points to a person ready to accept a need for recovery. If being removed from the family home isn't a wake-up call, what do you think will be?
Yes - this is part of his natural consequences & sometimes the very best thing to do for someone is to get out of their way, let them fall & give them the dignity of making their own decision to either spiral down or reach out for help.
Help is everywhere for the person that WANTS it.
fwiw - I was involved in one informal intervention years ago & it was horrible despite the fact that her addiction was beyond obvious. It completely altered the relationship going forward & of course, she refused the suggestion for recovery. She died a few years later due to health complications from her alcoholism.
Yes - this is part of his natural consequences & sometimes the very best thing to do for someone is to get out of their way, let them fall & give them the dignity of making their own decision to either spiral down or reach out for help.
Help is everywhere for the person that WANTS it.
fwiw - I was involved in one informal intervention years ago & it was horrible despite the fact that her addiction was beyond obvious. It completely altered the relationship going forward & of course, she refused the suggestion for recovery. She died a few years later due to health complications from her alcoholism.
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My friend did it with her mother. They have a very close family and the entire extended family was involved, with the help of a professional. It worked well and she's still sober 7 years later.
Couldn't do one with my XAH, since his drinking was hidden from everyone but me. I tried myself but was completely ineffective. I tried an addiction counselor for him, also ineffective. He wasn't ready.
Work friends tried one with my recent ex after he took a spill down his stairs and was knocked out cold and bloody for hours alone with his small kids. He stopped for 8 months. (This was his second intervention and stint of sobriety.)
I later did with my ex's mother (for my ex) after discovering he was drinking again when we lived together. Having been in an alcoholic marriage for two decades, I meant business. Drink and you're out. He quit drinking that day. However, just like the past times he quit, he wasn't admitting "alcoholism", just "stopping". Six months later (of no drinking on his part but still the alcoholic behaviors), I asked him to leave. After that he immersed in AA and seems to be doing well. But it wasn't until I said I was totally done. And I meant it, even though he has since wanted to come back now that he's doing better.
In my opinion, if done right, they can be helpful for someone ready to hear. But usually, if someone is ready, the intervention isn't as necessary.
Good luck my friend!
Couldn't do one with my XAH, since his drinking was hidden from everyone but me. I tried myself but was completely ineffective. I tried an addiction counselor for him, also ineffective. He wasn't ready.
Work friends tried one with my recent ex after he took a spill down his stairs and was knocked out cold and bloody for hours alone with his small kids. He stopped for 8 months. (This was his second intervention and stint of sobriety.)
I later did with my ex's mother (for my ex) after discovering he was drinking again when we lived together. Having been in an alcoholic marriage for two decades, I meant business. Drink and you're out. He quit drinking that day. However, just like the past times he quit, he wasn't admitting "alcoholism", just "stopping". Six months later (of no drinking on his part but still the alcoholic behaviors), I asked him to leave. After that he immersed in AA and seems to be doing well. But it wasn't until I said I was totally done. And I meant it, even though he has since wanted to come back now that he's doing better.
In my opinion, if done right, they can be helpful for someone ready to hear. But usually, if someone is ready, the intervention isn't as necessary.
Good luck my friend!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Help is everywhere for the person that WANTS it.
I've been doing a bit of lurking on the A sections of this forum lately and have been listening to the AA Big Book a few discs at a time over the last week or so. I've gotten some insights, I've gained some understanding about that side of things, but at the same time I do see that a great deal of help is indeed available, and also how absolutely critical it is that the A be ready and willing to start the work..
And unfortunately I don't know how much an intervention can do as far as making an unwilling person willing...
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You have a good heart trying to help your friend. I agree with everyone else, if they aren't ready, nothing will work. I tried so many times with my axh. I told him he was going to die, and his comment to me was "I have to die from something".
It's a horrible disease, it steals are loved ones away.
It's a horrible disease, it steals are loved ones away.
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Also, he has been crossing the line/standing up and letting down friends professionally (for years) really and we have all put up with it. Would just bowing out be more of a wakeup call...as in a natural consequence to his actions.
once WE realize we are enabling someone to continue unhealthy behaviors, the FIRST call to action is for US to change our behaviors, put up boundaries and no longer "put up with it". this can be done non-confrontationally and without a big announcement. you simply say NO where before maybe you said YES, and you hold your ground instead of getting pushed around.
since you don't know his family very well or other circumstances in his personal life, you don't know what all has transpired to date and to the point of him no longer residing in the family home. the POINT of an INTERVENTION is to help force a fork in the road for the addict. to offer the opportunity to be part of some type of rehab program, with support offered, and the stating of the consequences of refusing that help. (such as you are no longer allowed to stay in my basement, or use my credit card, drive my car, see the children).
it doesn't sound like the Friends really have a lot of leverage - just a lot of concern. it might be best to speak to him on an individual basis, rather than a group thing. it is usually advised to have an intervention guide, because these well intended "talks" can really go south in a hurry and without an impartial referee, do more damage than help.
once WE realize we are enabling someone to continue unhealthy behaviors, the FIRST call to action is for US to change our behaviors, put up boundaries and no longer "put up with it". this can be done non-confrontationally and without a big announcement. you simply say NO where before maybe you said YES, and you hold your ground instead of getting pushed around.
since you don't know his family very well or other circumstances in his personal life, you don't know what all has transpired to date and to the point of him no longer residing in the family home. the POINT of an INTERVENTION is to help force a fork in the road for the addict. to offer the opportunity to be part of some type of rehab program, with support offered, and the stating of the consequences of refusing that help. (such as you are no longer allowed to stay in my basement, or use my credit card, drive my car, see the children).
it doesn't sound like the Friends really have a lot of leverage - just a lot of concern. it might be best to speak to him on an individual basis, rather than a group thing. it is usually advised to have an intervention guide, because these well intended "talks" can really go south in a hurry and without an impartial referee, do more damage than help.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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It really depends on your friend, again. You can talk, talk, talk and cry and yell as an individual, OR you can do the same in a group. Some people are just too deep in addiction and incredibly defiant. You may give it a try, but do not expect too much. And never ever underestimate the power of denial.
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