EmmyCat

I came here because I need help ... but I got help I didn't know I needed before I posted what was going on with me.

I looked at some posts and the pain and grief and heartbreak all came at me, then I looked around here and felt just plain silly and started to cry.

My problem isn't nearly as bad as I've seen here, but it is a problem nonetheless. My big sister, Darcy, is 26 and addicted to drugs and alcohol. She lives with our parents in the house. She's violent, abusive, and dangerous, and my parents won't intervene with help for her. We are a Christian family, and my parents believe that families take care of their own problems. They have called the cops on her, they'd haul her off to jail, she'd come home, it starts all over again.

They won't throw her out, so I asked to move into the apartment over the garage way at the end of the driveway. Darcy's (now) 6-year-old daughter, Chloe, lives with me here. Chloe is terrified of her mother and I got a restraining order on Darcy not to come to our "territory" back here as soon as I turned 21.

I am home during the week and work weekends. Mom works all week and stays here with Chloe on weekends until I come home. I'm a little bit like a single Mom and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love Chloe dearly and I'm struggling to make her life as normal as I can.

I love Darcy, too. Mom and Dad say they're going to try to get custody of Chloe, but I don't know. DSS has only been here once, and I'm forbidden to call them. I won't leave Chloe, ever.

I could call DSS, get thrown out of my apartment (that's what Dad said he'd do) and never see Chloe again. But they won't do anything to Darcy. Darcy desperately needs help!

We live in a very rural area, I lost all my friends, the nearest AA is 30 miles from here, and I don't know what to do. My aunt and uncle are helpful, but they side with Mom and Dad.

The car problem will be solved later today; my aunt and uncle fixed up a 1968 VW Bug for me, so the car issue is fixed.

What can I do for Darcy? She's tearing her life apart. Even the cops won't do anything but put her in jail for a few days and then she's back.

I'm confused and helpless, and I need to be here for Chloe.

Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

All good things,
Emmy

Berrybean

Sorry you're going through all this. Does your sister want to get clean and sober? Until she does it is unlikely that established would make any difference. But then, enabling your sister by sweeping everything under the rug and clearing up after her isn't going to help her any either. It's a tricky situation with no easy answers. The way forward for you might need to be finding some acceptance that this is just how your sister chooses to be, and ensuring that your niece is protected and feels loved and safe. The effects of being a child of an alcoholic / addict can be deep and long lasting, and any help available for her (and the rest of the family )should be grasped with both hands.

Please try to get to the alanon meeting. I know that at the moment you feel trapped where you are, but you do not have to stay in this situation. You cannot save your sister. And you have no legal capacity to remove your niece, but your parents can care for her. You have one life and are entitled to not allow your sisters addiction to ruin it.

Poppet35

Hi Emmycat,

Don't feel silly, your problems are just as important as everyone else's problems on here.

You say you're a Christian family is there anyone within your church you/your family can confide in/seek help from? Does the church offer any help for situations like your family's?

You're so young to be having to deal with all this. Keep posting, everyone is so lovely on this site - they cannot solve anything but they give support and help us feel stronger so we can deal with the situations we are in.

Sending you a hug from across the pond.

CentralOhioDad

Emmy, no need to apologize. It's your pain, therefor it's real and you have every right to be here. Welcome, but sorry for the reason you are here.

I'm not sure what to say about your situation other than you can't (and shouldn't) have to do it alone. It sounds like a whole family of stubborn enablers, and that's a big problem. It's bad enough dealing with an addict, but when you have a whole slew of 'guards' protecting them, you're in a tight spot.

At 22, you should be taking on the role of a single parent to our niece - you should be out living your life. Helping is one thing, but this is over the top - IMHO. If your parents get custody of Chloe, and Darcy is still in the house - what is that going to accomplish?? Sounds like poor Chloe is back to square one.

Sorry - your aunt and uncle are not 'helpful' if they side with your parents. You've lost all your friends - that's a problem. I know you love Chloe and want to help, but you need help and a break as well.

We're here for you, and I'm sure other posters on this forum can give better advice or help. But stick around and learn and take it all in - we care.

Peace,
CODad

LexieCat

Emmy,

Welcome! Your problem is every bit as serious and distressing as anyone else's here. You've taken on a lot at 22, and you're a wonderful aunt to your niece. Thank goodness someone has her best interests at heart.

If you weigh the rights and responsibilities of everyone involved in this picture, the one person incapable of making decisions is your niece. She has NO say in what the adults around her do--the rest of you have choices.

I know it's terribly difficult to defy your parents, but I'd suggest getting child services (CPS or whatever it's called where you are) involved. You can explain your wish for the report to be confidential--any concerned third party could have made a report. In many places there is a legal obligation for certain people to report suspected child abuse/neglect. Even though you are caring for your niece, your ability to act in her best interest is compromised by your dependence on your parents. A good social worker might help you navigate this situation--to find your own place and allow your niece to be placed with you on a temporary basis. They can intervene with your sister and require her to get treatment and stay clean/sober as a condition of regaining custody. They can help with services for the whole family.

Hugs, this isn't easy. And it's even harder when you're young.

It's conceivable that your niece might be temporarily placed in foster care until you're in a position to care for her on your own. The thought is upsetting, but it doesn't seem to me like the situation you're in right now will work for the long term. Nothing changes if nothing changes. This might require you to take some difficult actions. Being a grownup is often difficult.

dandylion

EmmyCat.....my thoughts on the situation is along the lines of what LexieCat have suggested.....

I will share a couple of my thoughts (experience) with you. I was born in the deep mountains of West Virginia and lived, most of the time, of my young life there, with my grandmother....we had other family around..of the three generations...my grandmother's, my mother's, and my own generation.
It was very rural...a 2 mile walk from the main road, up a holler, to the house...it could not be navigated by a car (too rugged).
My mother, later moved to the city (capital city), along with three of her siblings for work. After I was school age, I spent the school year in the city...and the summers, and all school vacations with my grandmother. There was a lot of love among the family members....and, I did get a lot of love and good care....(lol....I was a city mouse--country mouse)...

With this backstory...this is what I want to say....
I have done a lot of reading and research on the culture of the people of the rural Applachian Mountain areas.....and, it is definitely a culture of it's own. Having been unchanged for generation of l iving geographically apart from the main populations since the land was settled.....
There are definitely several strong charateristics of the people who live there....
One is just as you say....very private....problems are to be kept within the family.....as well as distrust of outside sources and organizations. This is even a problem for medical workers....because there is a reluctance to share family history with the doctors and staff...
Another is stubbornness....very set in their ways....Also, family is expected to "stick together"...family loyalty is paramount.....People can be very looked down on for "deserting the family".
The family structure is very patriarchal....the men are heads of households, usually....even though the women are strong and tough as nails. It is just that the males make the family rules.....
There are many great characteristics, also....strong sense of individual responsibility and work ethic. Modesty and sense of humor are very valued.
these characteristics grew basically, out of the fact that life was very tough for all the generations...and it took toughness to survive. People had to rely on each other to survive.
Religon is very important, also. Even for non church goers...and there are strong conservative values....

the point is....I total get what you are saying.....and, trust me, I know what you are up against! Especially, on the stubbornness...lol.....I often tell people that my relatives often died of terminal stubbornness......

I do think that LexieCat's advice has a lot of merit for you to consider. And, I do think that economic dependence on your parents is a big factor in your life....
And, I totally get how much you love your niece!!!

My heart is going out to you, very much!
I fervently hope that you will hang around here and keep posting. You definitely need someone to share your feelings with....
I am glad that you got the car fixed...because, transportation, along with economic independence is paramount to y our life and freedom to function.....

dandylion

atalose

That’s an awful lot of responsibility on your shoulders for a young woman of 21.

You are stepping into the mom role for your niece.

You are carrying the burden of your sister’s addiction.

And you are carrying the weight of all your parents’ denial and inability to assess this situation for what it really is. Keeping family secrets and trying to hide ones addiction actually keeps it thriving.

Why are the police called? Does your sister cause damage? Who calls the police? Who doesn’t press charges so that she is released to repeat the process all over again?

You are shouldering WAY more than any 21 year old should have to. I give you so much credit for what you are undertaking with your niece and for seeking some kind of help for this chaos that is happening in your life.

I say keep posting, keep reading and learning as much as you can about addiction, keep asking questions. The more you come to accept that helping your sister, your niece and yourself may mean going against the “family norm” and doing what it takes to improve your life the calmer the situation will become for you.

((big hugs))

Bekindalways

Oh my EmmyCat, you are so NOT silly; you are an amazing young woman stepping up to the plate in an extraordinarily tough situation. Providing a safe haven and a healthy adult relationship for your niece is huge.

In many ways I think dealing with enablers is more difficult than dealing with addicts.

I hope that, whether you can find local support or not, you continue to post here and we will do everything we can for you.

God bless and welcome!

dandylion

OMG. bekindalways!! You are so right.....trying to deal with a stubborn enabler is like trying to move a bolder with a feather........

dandylion

EmmyCat

My parents work all the time and there's no one to care for Chloe during the week.

I have nowhere to go by myself, and I won't leave Chloe unless she's taken away from us forever. She's only 6 years old.

Thank you. The church prays for her, and they don't believe in outside interference either. I do feel stronger already.

Thank you. I do get a break on weekends when I work, because some of the customers are nice to me and don't make fun of me.

I have to see this through, no matter what. I just want to keep Chloe as stable and normal as possible.

If anyone from DSS comes here, they will blame me. I'm afraid to be homeless.

All good things,
Emmy

LexieCat

When you say "they would blame you," you mean your family, right? Social workers understand these kinds of dynamics in the family and THEY are unlikely to to blame you. I think they might very well be able to help you with low-cost (maybe subsidized) housing. There are all kinds of programs you and Chloe might be eligible for, but you need someone to help you locate appropriate ones.

There is no shame in reaching out for outside help in these situations. Many of us have had to do it--temporarily, at least. Families sometimes get so sick, themselves, as a result of living with an addiction that they need help the way the body does when it gets sick.

You believe in God, right? God gifted doctors with the ability to heal. God also gifted social workers with the ability to help with other problems that are just as serious. Some problems are simply too big and too complicated to try to solve on our own.

EmmyCat

Yes, it's not easy. Mom and Dad still say they're going to try to get custody of Chloe, but if Darcy is still addicted, it won't change anything.

I'm not unhappy with my life. I'm unhappy with Darcy and worried about her. I actually have a good life, and I'm even spoiled. I live rent-free with free water and power, I only pay for my internet, clothes and things for my apartment, car insurance, gas, cat and dog food, stuff like that.

I don't mean to brag, I'm sorry. I love being here. I was born in my parents' bedroom in our house over there, and I want my family back, whole and healthy.

Oh wow! You understand our culture! It's really hard to explain this, isn't it?

I never had many friends anyway, because we dress and act modestly. No pants, no tank tops, etc., no makeup and all that. Some people mistake me for being Amish or Mennonite without the hankie on the head. We don't drink (well, we're not supposed to), we grow a lot of our food, we can and preserve food, eat very little meat, and I'm just not into the Facebook or dating or parties. I like hard work, making my own clothes, and I make a little money on the side by crocheting doilies and table scarves.

It's a different set of values, I think. But you tagged it!

Thank you!!

Thank you. Someday I might have to do something drastic. My parents only call the cops when she starts tearing the house up and breaking windows and chairs.

I begged them to press charges. Nope. The cops have to take Darcy in to dry her out for 24 - 48 hours. The only times she served longer was when she went crazy in a convenience store and that owner did press charges for property damages and for a hit-and-run. To my parents' credit, they didn't bail her out, so she had to sit in jail until her court date.

Thanks, all of you.

All good things,
Emmy

AdelineRose

I'm sorry you're hurting, but happy you found a place where we are all going through the same things and can support and help each other!

There is no "worse" situation, everyone's is just as important. You are basically raising your drug addicted sister's daughter and you are in an environment where no one will make a move towards setting boundaries and if you call for help YOU get kicked out and the problem continues. I would say that is pretty serious and life consuming.

The only advice I can give is just take care of yourself and that wonderful little girl. You cannot make your sister "see the light" or make her want help. Only your sister can decide that her life is worth fighting for and then find recovery. Until then, nothing will change.

Your niece is SO lucky to have you. At least she has someone in her corner fighting for her and sticking by her side. I am sorry I can't offer any better advice..

HUGS

EmmyCat

Enablers ... I had to look that up. So that is what that means? I've never heard of that word being used as a noun, but it's perfect.

I feel better already, thank you so much! I get frustrated with everyone for being enablers. And some in our community are not well-educated and EVERYONE distrusts doctors, social workers, cops, anything to do with "interference."

I like that! Yes!

Or, "trying to ski through a revolving door" ... I saw that in a book once.

Thank you all! Thanks for sharing and letting me share!

All good things,
Emmy

LexieCat

Sweetie, I really get that you love your sister and want to be able to do something to help her. Here's the thing--all of us dearly loved our alcoholic partners, spouses, boy/girlfriends, parents, siblings, children. We did EVERYTHING in our power to help them--often at great cost to our own well-being. The fact is that most alcoholics (and this goes for addicts, too) don't change until they are forced to--often by circumstances that make drinking/using so bad, and the consequences so painful, that they are desperate enough to do the hard work of recovery. Addiction is very complicated. It will help you (and, indirectly your sister) if you learn all you can about addiction and alcoholism, so you will have a better conception of where her head is at. Lots of alcoholics and addicts are basically good people who do very hurtful things when they are in the grip of their addiction.

If the nearest AA meeting is 30 miles away, then the nearest Al-Anon meeting probably isn't any closer. Still, it would be worth it to check out the Al-Anon website and see if there is anything closer. There are also online meetings--some people here on this forum can help you with that.

Stick around, we'll support you as much as we can.

Bekindalways

That's a great image!! Thanks!

Given the limitations of your situation, I'm impressed with the boundaries that you have been able to set. Getting yourself and your niece into a separate living area sounds like a genius move on your part.

EmmyCat

Thank you.

Chloe needs a peaceful, safe home, and that was the only option I had. Mom used it as a workspace before we kids came along, then Dad built her pottery shed so she moved her stuff out there.

This was just sitting here collecting dust and bugs.

I love you folks. I slept so well last night!



All good things
Emmy

Bekindalways

I hope you and Chloe had fun setting up your new home!

Do you homeschool Chloe?