Love, Loss & The Road Not Taken...a Ramble
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Love, Loss & The Road Not Taken...a Ramble
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Years ago when I was a young man I met a beautiful girl named "T". She was everything I ever wanted, back when I didn't know what the hell I wanted. We were very much in love and we got married, but it was a stormy union from the beginning; both of us were headstrong and young, and we were like matches and gasoline. Of course, even back then my drinking was becoming problematic. After a rocky couple of years we split up.
It was very hard on us both, and we would make up and break up again and again. In a moment of lucidity- or desperation, I'm not sure which- I pretty much ran away, physically by moving 400 miles away and emotionally by taking refuge in a booze bottle (a tactic that I would use for another 25 years or so). I pretty much severed all contact for many years. I internalized the wound so long it became a resentment, and I carried that sense of resentment until it became a part of who I was. Stupidly even though I was a drunk, maybe because of it, in my AV-addled mind I decided it was all her fault. And I continued to feel that way for many years.
After many years, just by happenstance she managed to track me down. Obviously after all the years that passed the the old resentments had faded away; we had both moved on with our lives so it was great to finally talk again. She eventually recovered from "Hurricane MoS", remarried and had kids so I was happy for her- she had always wanted kids. Unfortunately her second husband turned out to even worse than me!
She would up divorcing him, too.
It was very cool; after all these years we really connected. Older and wiser we could laugh at it all again. She and I have been pretty fast friends for the last few years. We don't live in the same state but we generally talk at least every couple months. It's hard to explain our relationship. It's kind of beyond love really, beyond friendship. We're both windows into the souls of those naive kids we used to be. On some level no one else knows me like she does, and she feels the same about me. No matter what happens in life we will always have a connection that is unique to that time and space in our lives. We will always be...family? Is that the word I'm looking for?
At any rate it really strikes me as strange how life is. If not for our divorce I probably would have lived my entire life in that little one-horse farming town where I was born. Instead I ran off to "the Big City" and became a chef. I'm very happy with my work and pretty happy with my life now that I finally got sober. That was a huge step! I still feel guilty that I never gave her that back when it would have meant everything.
Still, the road not taken...I chafed at the culture of my dinky little hometown. I wanted to see the world not live with a bunch of rubes. But I can see now though "rubes" were really good folks. Most of the time I think I'd rather dive under a bus than be a farmer but a little part of me wonders how it would have worked out, had I traveled that road instead of the one I did? What if I'd have quit drinking when she asked me, when she begged me, when she moved out, when she told me she was going to file for divorce if I didn't get my **** together? If I would have stayed with her, taken over her parents ranch... Overall I think that who and what we are is the sum total of all of our experiences. And I'm in a pretty good place, I like who I am am. Ah, but that other road...
I was driving back home from out of town tonite. The rain was beating down on my windshield and sheets of lightening split the sky. It's funny how you can see pretty well with your high beams on and it seems like you've got a pretty good grasp on where you're at. Then a huge flash of lighting illuminates the entire countryside and you can see everything so clearly; you realize then how much you were missing just with your headlights. But the flash fades away, leaving just a hazy afterimage that you can't keep a hold of. It struck me right at that moment that life is much the same. We are occasionally struck with these flashes of understanding that leave us dumbfounded and struggling to keep hold of that insight, to process it before it fades like that flash of lightning.
Some of you will remember that I took a new Chef job about eight months ago. I really like the job but it takes a lot of time. I've neglected a lot of relationships just due to being at work all the time. It's no different with me and T; I guess I hadn't gotten around to talking to her for almost a year. But tonite I got a call from her out of the blue. She has been diagnosed with a degenerative neurological disease and it's starting to break her body down. She's really hurting right now. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that life isn't fair. After all, if life was fair it would mean she deserves this wasting disease while I am healthy as a horse despite decades of drinking like a fish. But I can't help feeling angry, and it's terrible feeling to be angry like this. A comedian once said the worst thing for an atheist is being thankful and having no one to thank. But I think he's wrong- I think the worst thing about being an atheist is being angry and having no one to be angry at.
So here I am tonite, thinking about T and the life we could have had, wondering what the rest of her life will be like. I'm grateful that I am not drunk or dead (one would have lead to the other by now had I now quit, of that I'm pretty certain). I'm not sure if this is a rant, a ramble of just the random late night musings of a guy that's gone a little too long without sleep. Still, thanks to all you folks for letting it me get it down.
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Years ago when I was a young man I met a beautiful girl named "T". She was everything I ever wanted, back when I didn't know what the hell I wanted. We were very much in love and we got married, but it was a stormy union from the beginning; both of us were headstrong and young, and we were like matches and gasoline. Of course, even back then my drinking was becoming problematic. After a rocky couple of years we split up.
It was very hard on us both, and we would make up and break up again and again. In a moment of lucidity- or desperation, I'm not sure which- I pretty much ran away, physically by moving 400 miles away and emotionally by taking refuge in a booze bottle (a tactic that I would use for another 25 years or so). I pretty much severed all contact for many years. I internalized the wound so long it became a resentment, and I carried that sense of resentment until it became a part of who I was. Stupidly even though I was a drunk, maybe because of it, in my AV-addled mind I decided it was all her fault. And I continued to feel that way for many years.
After many years, just by happenstance she managed to track me down. Obviously after all the years that passed the the old resentments had faded away; we had both moved on with our lives so it was great to finally talk again. She eventually recovered from "Hurricane MoS", remarried and had kids so I was happy for her- she had always wanted kids. Unfortunately her second husband turned out to even worse than me!
She would up divorcing him, too. It was very cool; after all these years we really connected. Older and wiser we could laugh at it all again. She and I have been pretty fast friends for the last few years. We don't live in the same state but we generally talk at least every couple months. It's hard to explain our relationship. It's kind of beyond love really, beyond friendship. We're both windows into the souls of those naive kids we used to be. On some level no one else knows me like she does, and she feels the same about me. No matter what happens in life we will always have a connection that is unique to that time and space in our lives. We will always be...family? Is that the word I'm looking for?
At any rate it really strikes me as strange how life is. If not for our divorce I probably would have lived my entire life in that little one-horse farming town where I was born. Instead I ran off to "the Big City" and became a chef. I'm very happy with my work and pretty happy with my life now that I finally got sober. That was a huge step! I still feel guilty that I never gave her that back when it would have meant everything.
Still, the road not taken...I chafed at the culture of my dinky little hometown. I wanted to see the world not live with a bunch of rubes. But I can see now though "rubes" were really good folks. Most of the time I think I'd rather dive under a bus than be a farmer but a little part of me wonders how it would have worked out, had I traveled that road instead of the one I did? What if I'd have quit drinking when she asked me, when she begged me, when she moved out, when she told me she was going to file for divorce if I didn't get my **** together? If I would have stayed with her, taken over her parents ranch... Overall I think that who and what we are is the sum total of all of our experiences. And I'm in a pretty good place, I like who I am am. Ah, but that other road...
I was driving back home from out of town tonite. The rain was beating down on my windshield and sheets of lightening split the sky. It's funny how you can see pretty well with your high beams on and it seems like you've got a pretty good grasp on where you're at. Then a huge flash of lighting illuminates the entire countryside and you can see everything so clearly; you realize then how much you were missing just with your headlights. But the flash fades away, leaving just a hazy afterimage that you can't keep a hold of. It struck me right at that moment that life is much the same. We are occasionally struck with these flashes of understanding that leave us dumbfounded and struggling to keep hold of that insight, to process it before it fades like that flash of lightning.
Some of you will remember that I took a new Chef job about eight months ago. I really like the job but it takes a lot of time. I've neglected a lot of relationships just due to being at work all the time. It's no different with me and T; I guess I hadn't gotten around to talking to her for almost a year. But tonite I got a call from her out of the blue. She has been diagnosed with a degenerative neurological disease and it's starting to break her body down. She's really hurting right now. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that life isn't fair. After all, if life was fair it would mean she deserves this wasting disease while I am healthy as a horse despite decades of drinking like a fish. But I can't help feeling angry, and it's terrible feeling to be angry like this. A comedian once said the worst thing for an atheist is being thankful and having no one to thank. But I think he's wrong- I think the worst thing about being an atheist is being angry and having no one to be angry at.
So here I am tonite, thinking about T and the life we could have had, wondering what the rest of her life will be like. I'm grateful that I am not drunk or dead (one would have lead to the other by now had I now quit, of that I'm pretty certain). I'm not sure if this is a rant, a ramble of just the random late night musings of a guy that's gone a little too long without sleep. Still, thanks to all you folks for letting it me get it down.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Just wanted to add that the poem is by Robert Frost. Must have not quite copied the whole thing. I certainly didn't write it!
Hopefully T will have at least a couple decades left in her. The disease isn't fatal per se but it does tend to accelerate one's demise. I'm not sure that the causes of MS are really known; it just seems to strike people somewhat at random. It does attack the body in myriad ways.
I hope that I will be able to take a trip to see her this summer.
Hopefully T will have at least a couple decades left in her. The disease isn't fatal per se but it does tend to accelerate one's demise. I'm not sure that the causes of MS are really known; it just seems to strike people somewhat at random. It does attack the body in myriad ways.
I hope that I will be able to take a trip to see her this summer.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
