Confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Rugby UK
Posts: 3
Confused
Hi new on here so here goes... sorry its long...
I met my boyfriend 15 months ago. Things moved quickly and he moved in six months later.
He started having the odd drink and didnt think anything of it then it got more and more. Having lived with an alcoholic before, the signs were there. I asked him and he said he could handle it. He went to work one day in September and didnt come home said he was going to stay at this dads overnight so thought nothing of it. He didnt come home the next day and couldnt get through to him on his phone. I hadnt met his dad so had to find a number for him. When I rang his dad he asked who I was and I told him and apparently he didnt know anything about me even though my boyfriend had told me he had told him. I told him what had happened and he said that my boyfriend hadnt stayed with him the night before. He was concerned and asked me if I had spoken to his sponsor. He went on to explain that my boyfriend had been in rehab and was living in an outhouse. I knew nothing about this at all. l was so concerned I contacted the police and reported him as a missing person.
My boyfriend rang the next morning and said he was on his way home said he had slept in his car. When he came home I looked through his phone and he had stayed at another womans house. I found further messages going back to before I met him to another woman declaring that he loved her and would be moving down to be with her. Devastated didnt even begin to describe how I felt. I asked him about it and he said it meant nothing etc etc. So we went through a home detox with him but he was still messaging the other woman. He stopped after that and was dry for a few weeks. He then started again.
On boxing day he tried to message the other woman again and I said enough. He moved into a room in a shared house and went from there back into rehab. We decided to see how things went and were still in touch.
I was sorting my laptop out and thought I would take his account off and found emails to dating websites etc. I was in shock after all we had been through it was the ultimate betrayal. He said he was bored. the rehab he is in is quite relaxed and they can come and go. They have tv's in their rooms and are given a computer. He said these pop ups kept coming up on the screen.
I had no contact with him for three weeks but caved in and messaged him last week. He said he still loves me and we have seen each other a couple of times.
He has lied all the way through our relationship and I dont know why I would give him another chance. Constantly anxious and wondering whether I should give it another go or not. He could be in rehab for a year or more. Do I trust him.
He is going through the 12 steps in rehab, says he is not messaging other women etc but just so confused and anxious.
I honestly dont know whether I can believe anything he says. Even his dad says he doesnt believe half of what he says. When I look back he never really talks about his life seem to skirt round it.
Has anyone had any similar experiences. Can people change?
I met my boyfriend 15 months ago. Things moved quickly and he moved in six months later.
He started having the odd drink and didnt think anything of it then it got more and more. Having lived with an alcoholic before, the signs were there. I asked him and he said he could handle it. He went to work one day in September and didnt come home said he was going to stay at this dads overnight so thought nothing of it. He didnt come home the next day and couldnt get through to him on his phone. I hadnt met his dad so had to find a number for him. When I rang his dad he asked who I was and I told him and apparently he didnt know anything about me even though my boyfriend had told me he had told him. I told him what had happened and he said that my boyfriend hadnt stayed with him the night before. He was concerned and asked me if I had spoken to his sponsor. He went on to explain that my boyfriend had been in rehab and was living in an outhouse. I knew nothing about this at all. l was so concerned I contacted the police and reported him as a missing person.
My boyfriend rang the next morning and said he was on his way home said he had slept in his car. When he came home I looked through his phone and he had stayed at another womans house. I found further messages going back to before I met him to another woman declaring that he loved her and would be moving down to be with her. Devastated didnt even begin to describe how I felt. I asked him about it and he said it meant nothing etc etc. So we went through a home detox with him but he was still messaging the other woman. He stopped after that and was dry for a few weeks. He then started again.
On boxing day he tried to message the other woman again and I said enough. He moved into a room in a shared house and went from there back into rehab. We decided to see how things went and were still in touch.
I was sorting my laptop out and thought I would take his account off and found emails to dating websites etc. I was in shock after all we had been through it was the ultimate betrayal. He said he was bored. the rehab he is in is quite relaxed and they can come and go. They have tv's in their rooms and are given a computer. He said these pop ups kept coming up on the screen.
I had no contact with him for three weeks but caved in and messaged him last week. He said he still loves me and we have seen each other a couple of times.
He has lied all the way through our relationship and I dont know why I would give him another chance. Constantly anxious and wondering whether I should give it another go or not. He could be in rehab for a year or more. Do I trust him.
He is going through the 12 steps in rehab, says he is not messaging other women etc but just so confused and anxious.
I honestly dont know whether I can believe anything he says. Even his dad says he doesnt believe half of what he says. When I look back he never really talks about his life seem to skirt round it.
Has anyone had any similar experiences. Can people change?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
They can but most often they don't and you can lose years of your life and much of your sanity waiting for it to happen. He's still messing around in rehab...that says he's probably wasting his time there.
If you read through other threads here, you see people (and their children) who have lost decades to their loved ones' addictions. Please don't be one of them?
If you read through other threads here, you see people (and their children) who have lost decades to their loved ones' addictions. Please don't be one of them?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Trust your instincts. Your heart WILL lead you wrong and your head can too( at least until you are in full recovery from your codependence)... your gut is always right.
Took me several years of anxiety, fear, pain,anger,confusion and upset to realize I should have just trusted my instincts all those many years ago....
Hugs and strength being sent your way.
P.S. ALL active alcoholics lie.. that's what they do...and they do it a lot...about EVERYTHING... even stupid mundane things they have no need to lie about. Truly bizarre, sick behavior.
Took me several years of anxiety, fear, pain,anger,confusion and upset to realize I should have just trusted my instincts all those many years ago....
Hugs and strength being sent your way.
P.S. ALL active alcoholics lie.. that's what they do...and they do it a lot...about EVERYTHING... even stupid mundane things they have no need to lie about. Truly bizarre, sick behavior.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
when people show you who they are, believe them. not who we THINK they COULD be if..........
he's lied to you about all sorts of things big and small. he is actively engaged with OTHER women. you really think he slept on that woman's COUCH when he didn't come home? and while IN rehab, he is still contacting other women..........even his own FATHER doesn't believe him.
we do ourselves no favors by allowing others to mistreat us, and then hanging around to give them more opportunities to do so. we need good solid boundaries, clear definitions of acceptable behaviors, and then the courage to stand up for those things.
he's lied to you about all sorts of things big and small. he is actively engaged with OTHER women. you really think he slept on that woman's COUCH when he didn't come home? and while IN rehab, he is still contacting other women..........even his own FATHER doesn't believe him.
we do ourselves no favors by allowing others to mistreat us, and then hanging around to give them more opportunities to do so. we need good solid boundaries, clear definitions of acceptable behaviors, and then the courage to stand up for those things.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Confused, and welcome to SR. I think a good place for you to start would be simply to read around the forum as much as you can. Make sure not to miss the "stickies" at the top of the page. I'm sure you'll find a lot here that resonates w/you, and you'll probably find answers to a lot of your questions that way also.
Learning about alcoholism/addiction is the first step in finding your way out of the dark--once you understand what it is and what it does, as well as what you can and can't do about it, you'll be in a much better place to A) decide what you want to do now and B) keep from finding yourself in this situation ever again in the future.
In the end, only you can decide what is acceptable to you and what you want from and hope for in life. One of the things you might want to mull over in your mind is not whether he will change but why you would be willing to accept so little...
He is not a child who has made a mistake; he is an adult who is making terrible choices again and again. You're also an adult, and you will have some choices of your own to make, once you've educated yourself about what you're up against.
Wishing you strength and clarity as you start to find your path.
Learning about alcoholism/addiction is the first step in finding your way out of the dark--once you understand what it is and what it does, as well as what you can and can't do about it, you'll be in a much better place to A) decide what you want to do now and B) keep from finding yourself in this situation ever again in the future.
In the end, only you can decide what is acceptable to you and what you want from and hope for in life. One of the things you might want to mull over in your mind is not whether he will change but why you would be willing to accept so little...
He is not a child who has made a mistake; he is an adult who is making terrible choices again and again. You're also an adult, and you will have some choices of your own to make, once you've educated yourself about what you're up against.
Wishing you strength and clarity as you start to find your path.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
When I feel confused, it is not usually because I really don't know what is the right thing for me to do...it's usually because I know what the right thing is, I just don't like it.
As one of our long time members here likes to say, "Red flags are not party favors."
You deserve way more than this from a relationship. If you don't believe that, or think this is the best you can do, then you have to start exploring what's going on with you that you would settle for something that is clearly pretty disastrous all around.
As one of our long time members here likes to say, "Red flags are not party favors."
You deserve way more than this from a relationship. If you don't believe that, or think this is the best you can do, then you have to start exploring what's going on with you that you would settle for something that is clearly pretty disastrous all around.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
There are people who lie and then there are liars. Often we are all guilty of “little white lies” making up excuses for things here and there telling half-truths and using exaggerations.
Then there are habitual liars, people who have made a habit out of lying and they lead a lifestyle of deceit. This is where I believe your boyfriend falls into, a habitual liar.
Remove the alcohol (rehab) and what do you have, Still a habitual liar. Alcohol and drugs don’t make people lie, cheat and live a life of deceit some of those things are just part of their character.
It’s very sad when you come to realize your whole relationship was a lie it’s even sadder to see someone stick around for more.
History doesn’t repeat itself – people repeat history.
Then there are habitual liars, people who have made a habit out of lying and they lead a lifestyle of deceit. This is where I believe your boyfriend falls into, a habitual liar.
Remove the alcohol (rehab) and what do you have, Still a habitual liar. Alcohol and drugs don’t make people lie, cheat and live a life of deceit some of those things are just part of their character.
It’s very sad when you come to realize your whole relationship was a lie it’s even sadder to see someone stick around for more.
History doesn’t repeat itself – people repeat history.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 66
Wow this thread really hit home to me today. Although my ex is gone I keep finding out about lies... Mostly little ones.... But just lies lies lies... He lied all the time, and most,y for no reason. I can take anything if it is the truth and I know what I'm working with...
So thanks all for these posts, it really helps to know its a 'thing' and I'm not the only one that has to deal with feeling like the whole three years was a web of lies, it's one of the worst things I've ever felt. It also helps me feel not so stupid.
So thanks all for these posts, it really helps to know its a 'thing' and I'm not the only one that has to deal with feeling like the whole three years was a web of lies, it's one of the worst things I've ever felt. It also helps me feel not so stupid.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I was married to the biggest king baby liar of all liars. Even though we are no longer married, he still lies...it seems to everyone...for no reason sometimes. Mostly to cover up for his bad behaviors. He will lie until the day he dies, I have no doubt of that.
Once you are away from it for a while, you realize how toxic it really was. There will be peace and calm in your life, if you let it in.
Hugs to all.
Once you are away from it for a while, you realize how toxic it really was. There will be peace and calm in your life, if you let it in.
Hugs to all.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Confused.....you don't sound "confused" at all.....you sound like someone who has been very hurt and damages by a boyfriend's betrayal of trust and that you feel very desperate to hang on to the relationship.
It sounds, to me, like you are, in your determination to keep him, are willing to invest in his imagined potential (in the future) than to make your judgements on what he is like now......
Of course, you will do what you want to do (don't we all?).....and you are responsible for your own decisions in life.
I would say this to you in all sincerity and empathy----if you decide to go another round with him....and, if things don't go as you wish.....YOU CAN'T BLAME HIM.
You already know what he is about....in a short, fifteen months, he has shown himself to be a liar, a cheater and addict.
If you choose another round of this....with the knowledge that you now have...you will not be a victim, you will be a volunteer.
I realize that sounds really harsh....yes, it does. But, hon, the reality with these type of guys is even harsher.....
I hope that you can do what is in your own best interest....
sincerely,
dandylion
It sounds, to me, like you are, in your determination to keep him, are willing to invest in his imagined potential (in the future) than to make your judgements on what he is like now......
Of course, you will do what you want to do (don't we all?).....and you are responsible for your own decisions in life.
I would say this to you in all sincerity and empathy----if you decide to go another round with him....and, if things don't go as you wish.....YOU CAN'T BLAME HIM.
You already know what he is about....in a short, fifteen months, he has shown himself to be a liar, a cheater and addict.
If you choose another round of this....with the knowledge that you now have...you will not be a victim, you will be a volunteer.
I realize that sounds really harsh....yes, it does. But, hon, the reality with these type of guys is even harsher.....
I hope that you can do what is in your own best interest....
sincerely,
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
Actually it doesn't sound harsh, it sounds responsible and realistic and it removes the victim.
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Dear Confused.....you don't sound "confused" at all.....you sound like someone who has been very hurt and damages by a boyfriend's betrayal of trust and that you feel very desperate to hang on to the relationship.
It sounds, to me, like you are, in your determination to keep him, are willing to invest in his imagined potential (in the future) than to make your judgements on what he is like now......
Of course, you will do what you want to do (don't we all?).....and you are responsible for your own decisions in life.
I would say this to you in all sincerity and empathy----if you decide to go another round with him....and, if things don't go as you wish.....YOU CAN'T BLAME HIM.
You already know what he is about....in a short, fifteen months, he has shown himself to be a liar, a cheater and addict.
If you choose another round of this....with the knowledge that you now have...you will not be a victim, you will be a volunteer.
I realize that sounds really harsh....yes, it does. But, hon, the reality with these type of guys is even harsher.....
I hope that you can do what is in your own best interest....
sincerely,
dandylion
It sounds, to me, like you are, in your determination to keep him, are willing to invest in his imagined potential (in the future) than to make your judgements on what he is like now......
Of course, you will do what you want to do (don't we all?).....and you are responsible for your own decisions in life.
I would say this to you in all sincerity and empathy----if you decide to go another round with him....and, if things don't go as you wish.....YOU CAN'T BLAME HIM.
You already know what he is about....in a short, fifteen months, he has shown himself to be a liar, a cheater and addict.
If you choose another round of this....with the knowledge that you now have...you will not be a victim, you will be a volunteer.
I realize that sounds really harsh....yes, it does. But, hon, the reality with these type of guys is even harsher.....
I hope that you can do what is in your own best interest....
sincerely,
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
People can say whatever they want. What does he do when you aren't looking?
With my XAH, a big red flag that I learned to respect was the mantle of CONFUSION. Whenever I talked to him, I felt overwhelmed and confused. After awhile, I realized that I felt overwhelmed and confused because he designed the conversation that way. The confusion was injected into the relationship because it gave him more room to misbehave and for me to forgive his misbehavior due to the inability to pin him down.
His history is a real indicator of what to expect from him. And based on recent and past history, it's a pretty good sign that you can expect cheating, lying, and drinking. You can't hang your hat on hope.
With my XAH, a big red flag that I learned to respect was the mantle of CONFUSION. Whenever I talked to him, I felt overwhelmed and confused. After awhile, I realized that I felt overwhelmed and confused because he designed the conversation that way. The confusion was injected into the relationship because it gave him more room to misbehave and for me to forgive his misbehavior due to the inability to pin him down.
His history is a real indicator of what to expect from him. And based on recent and past history, it's a pretty good sign that you can expect cheating, lying, and drinking. You can't hang your hat on hope.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Rugby UK
Posts: 3
Thanks for all your replies all food for thought.
I have been having a look at codependency today and it brought home to me that it seems most of my relationships have been with guys that are damaged or need help with something.
I know deep down what I need to do but its taking that final step. My heart isnt quite there yet but my head is.
I only see him for a couple of hours a week on a Saturday and the rest of the time its just texts. Hardly actually talk on the phone at all and when we do he doesnt have a lot to say.
xxx
I have been having a look at codependency today and it brought home to me that it seems most of my relationships have been with guys that are damaged or need help with something.
I know deep down what I need to do but its taking that final step. My heart isnt quite there yet but my head is.
I only see him for a couple of hours a week on a Saturday and the rest of the time its just texts. Hardly actually talk on the phone at all and when we do he doesnt have a lot to say.
xxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
So right on.
Originally Posted by Florence
People can say whatever they want. What does he do when you aren't looking?
With my XAH, a big red flag that I learned to respect was the mantle of CONFUSION. Whenever I talked to him, I felt overwhelmed and confused. After awhile, I realized that I felt overwhelmed and confused because he designed the conversation that way. The confusion was injected into the relationship because it gave him more room to misbehave and for me to forgive his misbehavior due to the inability to pin him down.
His history is a real indicator of what to expect from him. And based on recent and past history, it's a pretty good sign that you can expect cheating, lying, and drinking. You can't hang your hat on hope.
With my XAH, a big red flag that I learned to respect was the mantle of CONFUSION. Whenever I talked to him, I felt overwhelmed and confused. After awhile, I realized that I felt overwhelmed and confused because he designed the conversation that way. The confusion was injected into the relationship because it gave him more room to misbehave and for me to forgive his misbehavior due to the inability to pin him down.
His history is a real indicator of what to expect from him. And based on recent and past history, it's a pretty good sign that you can expect cheating, lying, and drinking. You can't hang your hat on hope.
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