LovesBulldogs79

I've posted here a few times while trying to navigate thru the maze of my boyfriend's addictions and I've read as many posts as possible so I don't know why I feel so completely lost about what to do. It mainly concerns our 11month old daughter. My boyfriend is a poly-substance abuser and alcoholic. He is in a great recovery program, but just cannot seem to stay sober. He has been in the program about 6mo, maybe longer, and has not managed to stay sober longer than 4-5 weeks. He went in for alcoholism and has recently (abt a month ago) relapsed with heroin. He managed to clean out our small bank account within days. The program is aware and they are working with him but today I caught him smoking heroin and see that he has taken a lot of money AGAIN. I asked him to leave the house (like I do every time he relapses).
He has relapsed so many times in the nearly 5yrs I have been with him that I don't think he will EVER stay sober.
His parents gave me the money that he took a month ago and they may help me again but I'm not positive. I understand that it is not THEIR problem and I know they are doing it for their granddaughters sake. Here is my main question; should I file for sole custody and child support?
I'm sure it's not a huge surprise to read that he doesn't have a full time job. I do. I am also paycheck to paycheck and my finances cannot withstand him sabotaging us EVER again.
We have a counseling session set up with his program coordinator for day after tomorrow and I'm going to ask her some of these same questions...but I sometimes get the feeling that she has been "snowed" by my boyfriend (as he does to EVERYONE- they can't believe that such a bright, charming, sweet, funny guy has caused such tragedy in my life) and I'm afraid she doesn't understand how grave my situation with my boyfriend is...
I love my boyfriend, but the only person whose feelings and safety matter are my daughter's.
He wants to get back on Suboxone and to be honest, I'm not sure I want that back in our lives too! It's just another drug.
Have any of you been through a similar situation with kids involved? What did you do? What do you wish you had done? I don't want to be going thru all of the same stuff in another 6mo...1yr...5yrs...This is not how I EVER imagined my life to be. It's heart wrenching and I feel like I just cannot take anymore. I'm sad for my daughter that her dad can't stay sober. I carry so much guilt about that and just want to do the best I can for her.

CodeJob

LovesBulldogs,

Your feelings and safety matters too. Do what you need to do to protect your funds. Envisioning a hula hoop around you and your child is good imagery to keep yourself focused on what you can control and what is your responsibility.

AnvilheadII

he has his own agenda and it does NOT involve you or the children, only in what he can TAKE from you. that means your kids have only one sober responsible parent to protect them - and that is you. you simply HAVE to cut him off from all available sources of funds that you need to provide for your children.....THEIR health and safety, security and peace MUST come first. they aren't getting extra CHANCES, they are small helpless victims.

hope778

Right there with you. I have a one year old with my AH. I grew up in a stable home with both parents plus siblings. Why couldn't I give this to my son? Still... Not my fault. I did not know my AH was an addict before we got married. I did not know until after giving birth that he was an addict. Our perfect son does not deserve a life with an actively addicted father, and neither does your daughter. My AH knows that. He knows I have one foot out of the door, and I have clearly told him a future cannot exist with us and his addiction. The two cannot and will no coincide. He also has expressed fears of losing his son and me, so he is aware. What he does with that information is up to him. We are somewhat early in his fight for sobriety, which is why I have not gone yet. I am nearing the end of my rope and sanity, though.

You can do what is best for her. It may end up not being the easy road, but you CAN.

Sunshine1234

I know how you feel...I have a 3 year old and a 3 month old and my husband is addicted to Suboxone and has been for years. He also abuses alcohol on occassions, Xanax and Adderall. I moved out into my parents two months ago because I finally put all of the pieces together and came to the realization that my gut was right all along and he was abusing drugs again. I know suboxone has saved lives if it's taken properly. Unfortunately, my husband just used it to replace one addiction with another. I can't and I won't subject my kids to that unhealthy environment any longer. It's hard to walk away but your daughter is still young and won't remember a thing. I was going back and forth with do I stay and try to work it out knowing the rates of relapse are high or get out now while my kids are still young and won't remember anything. I am just too nervous to stay...I don't feel like we could have a healthy relationship if I'm constantly questioning him. Sucks especially when there is kids involved but it's so much better for them to have one happy and healthy parent rather than two that are unhappy together.

Nata1980

Yes, I'd file for sole custody if I were you.

So typical about being "charming" - I had my ex husband charm my directors wife to a point of her offering to help him to find employment. Over the course of 10 minutes.

He lied to every counselor in rehab - and when I was talking to them trying to make sure they understood it - they said I was wrong and need to trust him.

It is an amazing talent all addicts have

Nata1980

My ultimate bottom came when I asked myself "where do I want to be in 5 years" after my soon to be ex husband relapsed again. The answer was that I never wanted to experience this again and if I ever took him back - I would live in fear or relapse. I am letting him go. We have been married for 13 years and my son is 12.

With your BF's track record it does not look too promising.