Homerunone

Hello, I signed up here a good while back after a terrible weekend drinking. Since then I thought I'd been a lot better but it has become apparent that I wasn't being honest with my self.
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I often drink to black-out point and I can lose hours and hours with no recollection of what has happened, now, when this happens, people that I've been with have always said how good a drunk I am and that I've never nasty or abusive, never ever violent. Quite the reverse, which is probably why I've never addressed my issues but I always felt that one day things would come to a head and I would have to take drastic action and just completely stop using alcohol.
This weekend I lost my second job, which involved a free bar, just because I was regularly overly intoxicated. Its worth noting that I was always able to do my job properly and there could be other political reasons for this course of action from them, but even so, I'm going to stop drinking altogether. There's a real chance that I could lose some of my best friends because of this and my reputation is going to be in tatters. I have felt physically sick since hearing of the action they have taken and haven't slept a wink. This is probably the lowest I've ever felt in my entire life and feel like I've lost everything. I could be over-reacting as I'm aware I always edge towards the worst case scenario but I'm not sure this time.

I'm a massive binge drinker, I only really drink a couple of times a week but I'll drink all day and night for a few days every now and then and have a really hard time getting off these binges. I often got to the pub on my lunch from my day job on a Monday and drink two pints to get me through the afternoon as I feel so bad. I will then need to go to the pub for more on the Monday evening where I can usually manage to only drink til I feel ok and then go home and have a horrible withdrawal style sleep, but I'll be able to not drink at all the next day and I will then do all I can to feel healthy before repeating the cycle.

Its probably worth noting that I'm fit and healthy and go running and hiking. I just have this horrible issue with not being able to stop drinking once I start.
I think I also have a very real problem with anxiety, I've been in a state of panic since 2pm yesterday and I'm shaking and my heart is beating out of my chest.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, hoping just writing it down may help. I feel thoroughly embarrassed and I'm having feelings I've never felt before.

I wish I could fast froward 2 months...

ALinNS

Good Morning, I can relate to your post as I too was a closet binge drinker and once I started, just one beer in my case it could be three weeks before I stopped, never less than a week.

I found what helped me is this forum, aa online, a lot of research and reading and then I made a list of why I am happy sober (10 reasons) and 10 reasons not to drink, I carry that in my wallet and if need me I pull it out and read it as I have lost pretty much everything but I still have much to be thankful for and I will not loose what I have left and what I am rebuilding.

Always be mindful we never beat it (IMHO) we learn to control it and keep our addictive voice in a cage.

All the best
Andrew

Dee74

Hi and welcome homerunone

I think if you can get sober and stay sober now you'll have done yourself a massive favour. Alcoholism is progressive and so is blacking out...

you may not as yet have too much to be embarrassed about, but things get exponential after a while...

cut it out now & you'll thank yourself in years to come

Homerunone

Thanks Andrew.
Yes, I too in the past have made lists of why not to drink (and smoke too) and it does help a lot.
This weekend I've had no black outs but have drank a fair amount. I was drinking gin though, I think huge amounts of lager trigger my black-outs.

If I wasn't in the predicament I'm in work-wise, I don't think I'd feel too bad today. My issue today is anxiety, I think I'm having multiple panic attacks.

I'm so sick of drinking now.

Homerunone

yes, a good friend of mine was getting to the stage where something bad was going to happen to him when drunk.
He's almost done a year dry now and we're all so proud of him. The difference in him is huge, I will be taking inspiration from him. Today is my first day of complete abstinence. Enough is enough. I want to feel like my self again.

ALinNS

Anxiety/Panic attacks in the early stages of going sober are par for the course, I also know in my case when I became sober the fear of what would happen when I returned to work was overwhelming, but most of it was just in my head and they were happy for the most part I was back. With that our brains are cloudy when we first sober up for a period of time.

All the best today, you can do it if you decide to.

Andrew

soberclover

Totally agree that there really is no successful way for an alcoholic to manage/control alcohol intake....it ALWAYS gets out of hand. I tried over and over and over again to control it. The challenge for so many is that bad stuff happens.....the person admits alcohol need to go....some time passes....and then they think they have "learned their lesson"....and they try to control drink again.

The big difference for me in maintaining my sobriety was total acceptance that alcohol doesn't work for me. I've spent a lot of time on SR as well as doing a lot of book reading about how sobriety works for different people.

Homerunone

Yes, it's not the first time I've said I was quitting then had a couple of weeks off and then eased back in to it. This time is different though, recently I've enjoyed being sober and feeling healthy and without anxiety. It definitely doesn't work for me and I think my body is getting to the point where I'm almost allergic to it.

My life since I was 16 (I'm 36 just turned), has been about alcohol, it's the thing I used to most enjoy doing and probably still do. It scares me to think I'll never be able to drink again as it will change my life. I won't be going anywhere near bars and clubs, I have no interest in visiting these places sober.

D122y

For my entire life, I routinely had panic attacks while drinking. I didn't know the alcohol pretty much caused them. Then I learned here.

Binge drank in the end, thought it was ok since I wasn't drinking everyday.

Mistake.

Now sober nearly a year, the panic attacks are gone. I still have minor anxiety daily, but i learned this is life and I am getting used to it.

In knowing that, the major attacks/paranoia turn to minor attacks, then to anxiety, then to annoyances, then to distractions, then dissappear into life noise. It gets better w clean time.

I have learned here that any relapse brings it all back. That is why I am deathly respectful of alcohol. I fiercely protect my sobriety. Never want to go back to the prison of booze.

Alcohol initially makes us feel relaxed, then our brain needs it or we never feel relaxed. Hence the crave and anxiety. We have to re learn how to deal w life sober. The longer and harder we drink, the longer and hard it is to quit.

So, we relapse over and over until we decide enough is enough. Education was my key out of the prison of boozing.

This website saved my life.

I have created a plan that includes a new sober lifestyle to fill my days and nights.

Alcohol is poison. Don't believe the hype.

least

I hope our support can help you get sober for good. It takes some changes and some effort but it really is worth it.

Soberwolf

Welcome HomerUnone

endlesspatience

I just want to say I can really understand what you're experiencing right now and I'm glad you reached out for support.

Homerunone

Thanks everyone, I'll be going to see my doctor too I think, I did visit him a year or so ago and he set up some counseling as my visit was more to address depression and anxiety. I cancelled the session as it was a couple of months after my appointment with my doctor and I'd reduced my binging so my symptoms had diminished to the point of non-existence. I'll be following through this time.
I think there's probably some issues behind my binge drinking that I need to address, I've not seen my Father since I was 14 for instance, even though he lives less than an hour away.

kinix

I spent 9 months in a rehab. I went of my own free will the first time. I am 52 now. I never thought I could recover physically. I want to quote the big book. " See to it that your relationship with him is right and great things will come to pass". The The other line I want to quote is " From a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body", I think. I was both of the above and I insisted I did not have a problem. Denial is the very devil. I joined this website in 2009 and it's 2016 now.

Homerunone

Thank you, I'm not a traditionally religious man but I do take comfort in spiritual beliefs and a good walk in the countryside.

Ariesagain

Alcohol is anxiety in a glass...and the really vicious part is when you start early withdrawal you get even more anxious. As a drug, it's really a wonder it ever became so popular, given the side effects.

You know it's time...you can do this!

Homerunone

Yes, alcohol is horrendous! I look like a different person facially after not drinking for 2 weeks, just one of the nasty side effects for me, it swells my face right up.

For me I measure my sobriety in weeks, as it's the weekend binging I'm addicted to. I recently did 3 weeks which I was proud of but ended up undoing it with an almighty 3 day bender which left me feeling terrible just in time for the 3 week holiday on the other side of the globe, which is the reason I was not drinking as I wanted to be fresh. I hated myself for doing that and felt like I didn't even want to go.

I've recently met a prospective partner, we've been out twice and she seems really keen, the thing is we met at a party and she has it in her head that I love a good party (which I do), so it's going to be interesting to see how she reacts to my sober date ideas. Although she did suggest going to see a play this Friday. That should be pretty easy to do without drinking.

Delilah1

Welcome back!!You will find lots of support here. Take some time to read around and post, and check out Dee's link about plans.

I have struggled with sobriety the past few years, I wanted to stop drinking, but not enough because I kept trying to moderate. On NYE I decided o was done and that 2016 would be my first of many sober years. SR is my biggest support, especially the January class. You should Join the April class, it helps to have people who are in the spot in their journey toward sobriety.

Glad you are here!

Homerunone

Well, I've just received a long text message from my work partner who's also my best friend. It contained a lot of home truths but is really upsetting to read as we've not really ever had a cross.
it looks like I could lose all my close friends over this.
I'm absolutely heartbroken.

doggonecarl

Not really. It's not keeping you sober. Might not save your job.

Hope you stick around. Sober Recovery can help you put a recovery plan in place and help you work it to your goal of sobriety.