story74

I'm trying to get to the point where my addicts anger towards me doesn't bother me. This has been a really hard journey. I'm a very righteous person, and his anger is so unfair. I have raised his son 24/7 and get no respect. No love. Nothing. Just anger. He is a no call no show 3 times in a row, and now he is angry with me.

So, my son always tells me...don't join the dark side ( star wars). It is such a waste of my energy. Ok, so he is mad. Do I need to feel anxious. Do I need to get angry. Do I need to vent to my bff? Do I need to vent here? It all helps. Seriously, it is HIS problem he is angry. I need to focus on me and my life. I know I'm doing the right thing.

So hard. I just keep thinking I get better and better every day...I cannot wait for the day he calls and leaves a nasty message and it leaves me with no emotion and I move on.

teatreeoil007

I definitely feel it's okay and even good to vent here. Anger needs an outlet. Not healthy to hold it all in. Why is he angry at you? If his anger is unfounded and he keeps staying angry at you for no reason, that's very TOXIC and not good for you to be around. Yuck! It just doesn't feel good to have someone's anger directed at you....How long has this been going onand how much longer can you take it? I'm not saying split; only you can decide that, but seriously-this sounds toxic.

story74

Oh, I don't engage. I completely ignore. This will go on until my son is 18. So, 10 more years. I have seen lawyers and I'm doing everything legally. It is just annoying. I've got to learn to not get upset. It just is a waste of energy.

Refiner

Your 8 year old son sounds mature beyond most adults, bless his heart. And I'll bet he takes after his Mom and has benefited from her protection and care

teatreeoil007

You gotta be kidding me....10 more years?! Good grief. I mean, I'm totally not blaming you for staying in a situation like this if that's your choice, but - I don't know, it just doesn't sound healthy, like you are just going to be ENDURING something instead of being fulfilled...not that there's anything wrong with enduring...but it can really wear you out. Yuck.

story74

It isn't a choice. It is legal. I am following the law. If I don't follow the law I could loose full custody. So, I am being proactive and finding/discovering a healthy way to live with this rather than live in anger/anxiety for 10 years. I'm actually very happy. I'm not in love with him anymore. I get that he is an addict and this is what addicts do. So I can either react in anger, resentment and join the "dark side" OR I can be empathetic and understand he is an addict doing what addicts do best and he is in an enormous amount of pain. Pain I can't even to begin to understand. So, he leaves a voicemail...i need to instead listen like he is sober and rational, bit listen and realize that he is sick. Erase. Delete. Say a prayer for him. And let it go and move on. We all suffer. It is how you deal with that suffering. He will most likely be going in and out of my son's life forever. He is his father. My son is grounded, loving, empathetic and realizes the truth. He knows what is going on. But he wants to see his dad. He loves his father. So, it may be supervised bit he wants that time. So guess what? I gotz to deal. And to deal in a positive and healthy way. Because this is my reality. So my goal is to completely not let his emotions and negative behavior effect me. I'm really getting there. Slowly. But I am. I have very strong boundaries. I rarely have to hear from him. I never engage. I always ignore.

teatreeoil007

Okay, so as the father of your son, you endure...I get that, really I do. Maybe I missed it. Well, probably I missed it. Do you guys still live together? If you DON'T I would imagine it's much more bearable. Or perhaps you live in the same house but sort of lead separate lives? Anyways, good for you for rising above.

story74

Lol, live together? Oh goodness no. He abandoned us on a cocaine binge 5 years ago. Seriously, he hasn't seen his son in 6 weeks...he called once. He is an addict. I'm trying to deal with it in a positive loving way. Teaching my son empathy, but also setting boundaries. Teaching myself that it doesn't matter what emotions he is wailing at me, I stay peaceful at all times. Life is too short. I'm enjoying my moments. I will turn it all into a positive somehow. It is just a hard journey doing so.

story74

Our life is very separate from his. And that is a good thing.

teatreeoil007

Ok. For some reason I thought you were "together", but you were putting up with it. My mistake. That's amazing you are able to turn negatives into positives. Shows a true inner strength...and yes, it is so not easy! And you comes across as being non-judgmental and non-condemning. In a sad sort of way it might feel like a type of relief when he doesn't show his face for weeks on end, but sad for your son who wants to have a relationship with his dad. Keep up the good work! Oh the things we do for our kids, huh?

Bekindalways

Courage and strength to you in what you are doing. May many other achieve this. Thanks for your post.

JOIE12

After many years of abuse by my problem drinking husband, we ended up living in the same home - completely separate - for almost 4 years before I restarted the divorce that he had initially begun.

It was rough and always stressful, worrying.

When I needed to have him removed from the home, peace settled in. Sure he was always angry and sarcastic and critical. But the man, never so much as bought his daughters a hamburger ! I felt oddly calm. Relieved. Stronger and confident.

Divorced for 13 years, he passed away last spring - still angry, still hating that the divorce was finalized without him, angry that he could never control me.

His choices don't need to be yours. Your son knows who is in his corner.
Best wishes to you
Hugs
Joie