Phd123

Hi everyone,

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I have been struggling with this for years. I'm 28 years old and my mother is 56. In 2000 my father died in a car accident and my mother has never been the same. For a while the was a super mom: taking care of me and my three siblings and making sure our lives stayed the same. However, ever since we've moved out and started our own lives things have changed. The problems she has are endless: she has many health issues, is completely socially isolated and has serious financial problems (her dad now pays her rent and she frequently borrows money from us kids).

Also, she drinks - a lot. We confronted her with this three years ago because she started drinking in the morning. She always liked her wine, but it didn't start to become worrisome until then. She said she'd stop but she didn't. She even fell over once when my sister and I were home. It was awful. She's never actually drunk (so not the typical image of an alcoholic I had in mind) or does anything crazy but I have a feeling she's an alcoholic anyway. Her life is crumbling down to the point that she's losing her own kids. We are never home anymore, we just can't deal with it. She seems to believe her problems are financial, and that's it. We know it's much more. She has never really gotten over my father's death and has replaced everything in her life with alcohol. She doesn't do anything (no work or social activities) and just sits around the house drinking (I'm sure this is what she does all day). She doesn't exercise or eat right and she looks odd too: very thin arms & legs with a very bloated stomach. I read this may be a liver problem, but getting her to seek help is a never ending battle. We have called her GP and other centers for help but they tell us they can't help unless she seeks help. Which she won't do.

I am having a very hard time with this because I am trying to start my own life but she keeps 'getting in the way'. I break down all the time, lie awake at night feeling terribly guilty and sorry for her, while the next minute I am extremely angry. I feel like I've done absolutely everything I can (I could write it all down but it would take up a lot of space) and I feel helpless.

Anyway, thanks for reading it helps to write it all down. Perhaps someone can help shed light on the situation - is she definitely an alcoholic or is it some deeper psychological issue?? I am not an expert. I would help me to know what is wrong with her, part of my stuggle is that I am so unsure what it is.

PS. Sorry for any spelling mistakes, English is my second language

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Phd!!

Looking in on someone else's drinking can be a very frustrating place, knowing what the solution is, but if the person doesn't see it themselves, the options are limited!!

As for the question is she an alcohol? I don't know any normal drinkers who drink, and if alcohol is being bought at the expense of paying her rent or bills, it sounds like a real problem.

It's important to not put your own life on hold as a result of someone else's drinking, why allow alcohol to take 2 lives? sure she may change her ways, but what if she doesn't, don't put your own life on hold as a result of alcohol.

For me I needed to create some boundaries with my own dad and his drinking, start to live my life, put a few lines in the sand that I wasn't going to be around him when drunk, not give him money when he continued to spend money on alcohol.

The important thing is to get support for YOU in all of this, al-anon is a great place for face to face support, and you'll find loads here on SR!!

Great to have you onboard!!

Misssy2

Hi. I'm a Mom who has been an alcoholic all her life.
What my children have decided to do is to not talk to me....But, I know the distance is still affecting their lives.

Unfortunately your Mom will not stop until she has had enough and no one knows that more than me. Even when I stopped for 8 years...my relationship with my children remained on egg shells.

Of course you want the best for your Mom and trust me she wants the best for you as well. If you can continue to have a relationship with her and accept her for the way she is...than that would be best for all.

I did stop recently...but it wasn't because I want my kids back (I gave up on that)...but it was because I was dying and I realized it.....I don't think my kids know or will ever trust that I have stopped for good. I'm hoping with time..that they will come back around and be happy about my sobriety. I just wish they never left because I miss them.

It is a real life and death struggle for an alcoholic. My kids have had their problems and I have always stood by them. Personally, having them around more while I was drinking...would have made me MAYBE realize sooner all that I was missing out on. Now that I am sober...they are missing out on a lot themselves.

I knew I needed help. But, I looked at it like...if I were dying of cancer...would they turn away from me? I see a lot of people think alcohol can be controlled...better than cancer. Not true...alcoholism...is the only drug you can DIE from if you just stop abruptly without medical care. And the flip side of that...is you will die a slow, lonely, painful death if you are in the progression stage and don't reach a point where you need help.

I hope your Mom reaches the point that she needs help. You can still be in her life while she is drinking...without enabling her...and letting her know she won't be invited to events if she is going to be drinking. Try to have a relationship with boundaries? So at least you know how she is doing? Sometimes shutting people out that are sick....makes them sicker.

Alegresempre

You said all the right things missy2, I hope the OP take your advice, "shutting people out that are sick, makes them sicker".

Phd123

I'm so glad to read all of your reply's. Thanks so much! I appreciate your comment missy2, it's very helpful hearing your perspective. I wish I knew how to have her in my life in a normal way, without being anrgy, sad, blaming her... Maybe I will reach a point one day where I can, I just realize that at the moment it's too hard to even talk to her. I am going to start therapy this week and I hope to learn how to be able to 'deal' with her and work towards a healthier relationship. First and foremost though, I want to help myself. I just feel so tired all the time and I don't have any motivation to do anything. I want to make myself stronger before trying to have a relationship with my mom again. Hopefully in the future I can get there.

Thanks Purpleknight for your comment too, I hope to be able to set boundaries with her and be able to communicate them (even more important). Communication is my problem right now, all I do is get angry and I know it's not helping. It's just something I hope I will learn through therapy.

Love reading all these comments, thanks again, it really helps just putting it all out there. Confessing that there is an actual problem has taken me years (literally).

FeelingGreat

phd, could your mother be persuaded to go to counselling about your father's death? It sounds like she's never come to terms with it, and recovery could be difficult unless she's able to get through that.

Missy's contribution notwithstanding, sometimes you need to isolate yourself for your own sake. It's extremely hard to relate to someone who is constantly under the influence. You need to have at least a little sober time with As if you want to maintain some sort of relationship. Make it clear to her that while you love her, it's just too difficult to talk to her when she's drinking.

It seems strange that your mother doesn't work outside the home when getting out could be her saviour. Any sort of job, as long as she has a reason to get up in the morning and occupy her mind. It would help with finances as well. Does she have any friends who could take her out occasionally?

It might be possible for your siblings and her father to put some financial pressure on her to give her an incentive to find work. Get together and have a talk about it. I'm glad you're seeing someone, and Al-anon might help as well.

ItsViolet

Hi Phd, My mother is an unrecovered alcoholic. I've never known her sober, not for my whole life. Sometimes it can be very difficult to understand how much pain our loved one's drinking has caused us, and how much damage it does to our relationships with them. It's not your fault that the relationship is strained and distanced--and you're not responsible to fix her. If you worry too much about her sickness and get too enmeshed in one way or other, you could become quite sick yourself. It's healthy to separate yourself when you need to or at least set some boundaries. It's good too to seek help for yourself because that's really all you have control over.

With regard to my own mother's alcoholism, at this point I tend to bounce between feeling very sad, confused, and emotionally abandoned. For me it's not something that I can just swallow and pretend it never happened. I just try to tune in and listen to my internal compass to help guide me in the right direction, and ask for help even though it seems so hard to.

ajarlson

My mother is an alcoholic - has been all her adult life. My grandmother raised me but mom got sober when I was 14 and stayed "sober" for 10 years (I found out later there were other drugs involved at that time but not alcohol). She started drinking again and it really got bad after my grandmother died. She has been on a downward spiral since then, falls, hospitalization for pancreatitis etc. She just expected me to take care of her, which I could not do especially with all the drama and medical issues that she herself caused and could choose not to have if she would get help. I appreciate missy2's comments because if my mom got sober I would expect she would feel the same way, but you have to protect yourself. I was full of anxiety all the time. When the phone rang, never knowing if she was ok, drunk, hurt, high, in jail etc. I couldn't sleep, my life wasn't my own because she was controlling it. Sometimes it's just too much. And some people don't respect boundaries. I would say, try to put boundaries around the relationship but if she doesn't respect them, there's nothing you can do to stop an addict from spiraling downward. It is unfortunate, and sad, but true. Try some Alanon meetings, they really helped me, and my counselor is always a phone call away - it's good to have an unbiased ear to listen to you. Take care of yourself.