BlueWisteria

I just found out one brother has been diagnosed with diabetes
from over 40 years of untreated alcoholism.
Our father died of alcoholism and he too was diagnosed
with adult onset diabetes.
I tried to warn them several times the last few years now.
The other brother has 2 forms of cancer
as a result of untreated drug and alcohol abuse for over 40 years.
Both brothers are bankrupt in every area of their lives.
Everything they are saying and doing is very dysfunctional.
They can't make good decisions about much of anything
and many options have been taken from them by drugs and alcohol.
I do feel some compassion for them
but I am more concerned about how this effects the rest of the family
and what other terrible wreckage this all will cause.
And for that I feel guilty.
My brothers have been active alcoholic/addicts for many years
and they have caused huge wreckage in their lives
and hurt their family on many levels.
Recovery is a choice and alcoholism/addiction is a choice.
This is the choice they made and now
they are paying the consequences.
Our mother is 81 and wealthy also.
Very possible that she may outlive both of her sons.
I have told her this so that she may prepare herself
inside of her own mind for this and all the wreckage
ensuing along with it
Not to mention all the manipulations and dysfunction
of the active alcoholic.
I do not believe that my alcoholic diabetic brother
will be able to stop drinking.
The alcoholic/addict pursues the drink/drug
into the gates of insanity and death.
Like the book says...
Truly a sad state of affairs.

Seren

Hello BlueWisteria,

It truly is a sad thing, and I'm sorry that your brothers continue to make poor choices for their lives. I am an insulin-dependent diabetic, so I do know what it takes to maintain your health with diabetes. Unfortunately, I also know many folks who are diabetic (either Type I or Type II), and do not at all take care of themselves.

Please don't feel guilty. I know, easier said than done. But as you said:

My sister is a recovering alcoholic and powder cocaine addict. Since she is in recovery, I do not worry about her interactions with our Mom. When she was actively drinking/using, my only concern was whether or not my sister's behavior was harmful or dangerous to either of my parents. The knowledge of her self-destructive behavior was front-and-center to both of my parents, so there was no need to protect them from that knowledge and I did not feel that was my role to play.

When you talk to your brothers, are you able to discuss the possibility of taking better care of themselves--including sobriety? Have you been able to share your own sobriety successes with them?

BlueWisteria

I am not close to the diabetic brother. We have not even spoken in several years.
I had over 12 years of quality sobriety before the relapse in 2010-11.
My sobriety date is now 4/20/11. Thank you God.
During that time I spoke about sobriety and recovery to the one brother many times.
He has been so extremely abusive to me in medical emergencies that I now keep a safe distance.
Neither one of my brothers wants recovery or sobriety. Neither one of them have ever even made an effort.
If they were open I would share briefly with them my experience, strength and hope and then point them in the right direction because I already know that we cannot help family members.
They have to find their own way and find someone else more objective.
Our mother has her own life and lifestyle with her husband and her friends.
She is very smart but I do not believe that she sees the big picture clearly.
Both of these brothers are dangerous to themselves and others.
They are killing themselves with drugs and alcohol and they are both totally dysfunctional and are running out of options. Soon they will be even more desperate, and I consider this to be very dangerous to the family, especially our mother.
The active alcoholic/addict causes so much emotional and financial wreckage. I will try to minimize it as much as I can. And I will try not to feel guilty about that either.

seek

Are you worried that they would become dependent upon your mom somehow?

I hope that is not the case, as I don't believe that adults who abuse their bodies to the point of creating disease should then expect their families to jump in and take care of them.

What do states and federal government provide for in such cases?

seek

P.S. I did read a comment on SR one time in which an alcoholic/addict said that ". . . our families have to take care of us." I was shocked at the entitlement, but didn't say anything.

PuzzledHeart

I've told my parents in no uncertain terms that I will not support my sister when they're gone. I've also told them that I would be more than fine if they skipped a generation and left their estate to their grandkids.

My sister is convinced that all she needs to do is visualize the money and it will appear because God will take care of her. I feel sorry for her because when she says that she's really saying that she believes that she does not have the capability of taking care of herself.

But what can you do?

I'm sorry BlueWisteria that you're going through this, but thank you so much for posting about this. I struggle with my own guilt, even though I know that this estrangement is really for the best.

BlueWisteria

Yes the attitude of entitlement of the alcoholic/addict is appalling.
They actively cause all the destructive wreckage and then expect their family to clean it up.
Especially shocking when the alcoholic/addict is an abusive male who then
has an attitude of entitlement towards the remaining female members of the family.
Unfortunately, this has been an pattern in my family and it is most despicable.
I will make a stand to prevent it.
And try not to feel guilty or judgmental about that either.

BlueWisteria

Both brothers have attitude of entitlement and when they don't get what they think they deserve they become verbally abusive and send letters and emails expressing their self righteous anger and discontent with my sister or my mother. My sister used to be very close with the one brother until she and her husband were selling their million dollar home (in north suburban Chicago area) and choose not to use our brother as the realtor. Our brother is a member of the Illinois Bar who does not practice law and has never provided for his children. Instead, he dabbles in several side bar businesses and does not not make enough money to even pay all the bills and lives an impoverished lifestyle. He was so enraged and abusive at my sister because she and her husband choose another realtor that it caused a permanent rift in their relationship and she did not even talk to our brother for many years. Our brother is incompetent is every area of his life and unemployable which is why he is self employed. Our brother is certainly not entitled to her or her money. Plus, it was not all her decision as she is married. Our brother was so abusive and irrational about this that it shocked the family and was a clear message of his decadent state of mind. In addition to this our brother has refinanced his house so many times for the equity to continually pay off the credit cards and using the money to live on since he is so dysfunctional and cannot generate enough income himself. The equity is now gone including the 20,000 our mother gave him for the down payment. Clearly, this is stealing... Now he and his wife will not have enough income or a place to live and he assumes our mother will step up and bail him out as he has always felt entitled to her support just because he had children which he never provided for because he is, and always has been, an active alcoholic/addict. I have no idea why his wife even puts up with all this chaos. She does not even use drugs and alcohol. The family members are sometimes just as psychologically unstable as the active alcoholic/addict. I have repeatedly reiterated to my mother and my sister that the manipulative anger and verbal abuse from my brothers is unacceptable. Period.