First Post Alcoholic Girlfriend , it's Me or the bottle
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First Post Alcoholic Girlfriend , it's Me or the bottle
Hey everyone, here it goes,
I've been dating a woman for five months. Our relationship is great when she is sober. As soon as alcohol hits she turns into an abusive entitled monster. She is a notorious drunk and appears to be borderline although I'm not a doctor. My brother is a recovery addict and is approaching three years sobriety so I have experience with this type of thing but feel ill prepared in handling this as her lover.
I have attempted to not take what she says or does when drunk personally as she has done it too many other people and is somewhat of a recluse. I am very tolerant of people who have issues. I have bipolar and spent over ten years " underwater " trying to find my way. Lithium , nutritional, and CBT therapy saved my life as well as a supportive family.
She displays almost all over the narcisistic and manipulative tactics of a mid stage alcoholic. We are both 37. I do not tolerate abuse well. During episodes she essentially goes into attack mode. In the past I would simply disengage. I've recieved reams of abusive text messages all triggered by zero provocation. What's disturbing is in her attacks directed at me it seems as if she is talking about herself. She is always apologetic the next morning.
Everything hit critical mass one night and I told her to never call me again when drunk. The next morning I said I will not tolerate abuse and asked her if she ever thought of getting treatment for her alcohol problems and or borderline. Mind you she blacks out almost every time she drinks and has for at least a decade. She doesn't need to drink every night and is not chemically hooked in terms of detox type stuff yet. Her response to my boundary was going to her first AA meeting that night. Needless to say I am super proud of her.
Within 24 hours she's calling me condescending and blaming me for disclosing information to my parents about what is going on. Mind you everyone that knows her knows she is an alcoholic she has an almost legendary reputation.
I've decided there's no way this relationship can work if she is unwilling to try. The sad part is that our sober relationship had a lot of potential. We are now not on speaking terms as she is still working through her thoughts on what I said. I have a premonition she is about to split me and become resentful. I'm scared of what she might do.
I have gone through periods where I blamed myself and felt incredibly insecure. At times it appears she has no empathy. My fear is that the alcohol is only part of the problem but there's zero question that it has to go before she can actually hit rock bottom. Finishing writing this I've realized there is nothing I can do. What I'm unsure of is how to respond. I'm tempted to hold the line at all costs " I will not tolerate abuse " and most likely be the first man to do so. She did go to an AA meeting for the first time and I'm fiercely proud of that.
I've been dating a woman for five months. Our relationship is great when she is sober. As soon as alcohol hits she turns into an abusive entitled monster. She is a notorious drunk and appears to be borderline although I'm not a doctor. My brother is a recovery addict and is approaching three years sobriety so I have experience with this type of thing but feel ill prepared in handling this as her lover.
I have attempted to not take what she says or does when drunk personally as she has done it too many other people and is somewhat of a recluse. I am very tolerant of people who have issues. I have bipolar and spent over ten years " underwater " trying to find my way. Lithium , nutritional, and CBT therapy saved my life as well as a supportive family.
She displays almost all over the narcisistic and manipulative tactics of a mid stage alcoholic. We are both 37. I do not tolerate abuse well. During episodes she essentially goes into attack mode. In the past I would simply disengage. I've recieved reams of abusive text messages all triggered by zero provocation. What's disturbing is in her attacks directed at me it seems as if she is talking about herself. She is always apologetic the next morning.
Everything hit critical mass one night and I told her to never call me again when drunk. The next morning I said I will not tolerate abuse and asked her if she ever thought of getting treatment for her alcohol problems and or borderline. Mind you she blacks out almost every time she drinks and has for at least a decade. She doesn't need to drink every night and is not chemically hooked in terms of detox type stuff yet. Her response to my boundary was going to her first AA meeting that night. Needless to say I am super proud of her.
Within 24 hours she's calling me condescending and blaming me for disclosing information to my parents about what is going on. Mind you everyone that knows her knows she is an alcoholic she has an almost legendary reputation.
I've decided there's no way this relationship can work if she is unwilling to try. The sad part is that our sober relationship had a lot of potential. We are now not on speaking terms as she is still working through her thoughts on what I said. I have a premonition she is about to split me and become resentful. I'm scared of what she might do.
I have gone through periods where I blamed myself and felt incredibly insecure. At times it appears she has no empathy. My fear is that the alcohol is only part of the problem but there's zero question that it has to go before she can actually hit rock bottom. Finishing writing this I've realized there is nothing I can do. What I'm unsure of is how to respond. I'm tempted to hold the line at all costs " I will not tolerate abuse " and most likely be the first man to do so. She did go to an AA meeting for the first time and I'm fiercely proud of that.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Going to one AA meeting to get you off her back isn't something to be "fiercely proud of." Going to a meeting isn't a sign that she's seen the light and is now ready to change her life. She's been rolling along just fine before she met you, and no doubt she'll continue to roll that way when you're gone.
All alcoholics have "potential"--but the will never realize it until they're ready to get sober. And as you mentioned, she may well have other mental health issues that need to be addressed at the same time. You've only been dating for five months. It could be years or decades before she is ready to change--if ever.
I think I'd move along.
All alcoholics have "potential"--but the will never realize it until they're ready to get sober. And as you mentioned, she may well have other mental health issues that need to be addressed at the same time. You've only been dating for five months. It could be years or decades before she is ready to change--if ever.
I think I'd move along.
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If I were in your shoes, I'd walk away. You've already invested five months' time in this relationship -- there's no point throwing good money after bad. Don't answer her calls, don't reply to her texts.
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Thats pretty much how I feel. Her life hasn't been rolling along nicely and the situation is complicated because our shared friends and family go way back. I'm not trying to justify or rationalize. I fully recognize that she has to want to change. The only thing that got my brother to change was setting a firm boundary. I'm not naive to the point where I believe love can conquer all. My gut tells me she does not want to get sober right now and my experience with psych issues tells me this isn't going to end well. I'm trying to work through this sadness.
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She sounds like she's also narcissistic and if so, I can tell you with 99.99999% certainty that is so, there is zero hope. But there's still a slight chance she's not if she doesn't show any nasty signs of it when sober.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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She a gem when sober. My brother was the same way. In fact all my brothers friends had similar narcisistic issues when using. At this point it doesn't matter. I'm done trying to figure it out. The boundary is set.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CMJ.....learning all you can about yourself will give you more perspective than anything.....
I think a group such as Adult Children of Alcoholics....if you were raised around any alcoholism or Co-Dependents Anonymous....or similar group that fits with your particular situation would be a very good way to go.......
dandylion
I think a group such as Adult Children of Alcoholics....if you were raised around any alcoholism or Co-Dependents Anonymous....or similar group that fits with your particular situation would be a very good way to go.......
dandylion
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by CMJ1977 
Thats pretty much how I feel. Her life hasn't been rolling along nicely and the situation is complicated because our shared friends and family go way back. I'm not trying to justify or rationalize. I fully recognize that she has to want to change. The only thing that got my brother to change was setting a firm boundary. I'm not naive to the point where I believe love can conquer all. My gut tells me she does not want to get sober right now and my experience with psych issues tells me this isn't going to end well. I'm trying to work through this sadness.
I understand. I'm trying to work through the pain too. It's harder than I thought it would be. It's so hard to have the memories of what they were in the good times and the hopes you had, and then feel like they are just tossing you away. Even though I understand the power of addiction and that it usually destroys relationships, but that doesn't help the heart much, eh? Just know you aren't alone in the pain.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
I don't know about you or anyone else, but with when involved in a relationship with an alcoholic, as well as having a family member with addiction, it was so much easier to view the problems of the family member more objectively. For me, the family member was bound to me, regardless, by blood. There was a much lesser chance of my boundaries making this family member just completely disappear from my life. Physically, they may for a while, but they don't just stop being family. It almost seems like there's a safety net there - of course either you or the alcoholic family members can sever ties, but they will never stop being family.
On the other hand, the lover is who we choose. We are not bound by them, nor them to us, by anything other than commitment and promises. We can put up boundaries, but that could make them disappear from our life permanently. For me, that made me a little more in denial of his problems until they came to a head and couldn't be ignored. For me, there was that big risk of losing him, and losing whatever connection that we did have that seemed so strong, outside of the alcoholism. In my experience, I was more hesitant to place strong boundaries and keep them, when it came to a significant other than I was with the relative.
I don't know if this is something that you are struggling with, or if it's a normal thing, but it just seems harder to be firm with boundaries when it comes to someone you choose rather than a blood relative - especially when you're in the thick of that relationship.
What helped me was stepping out of it. In this situation, it's okay to take a time out and have a week or two for yourself so you can form a more objective view of the reality here. It's hard to really think clearly when you're in the thick of it. That way you'll be able to almost look at it with an outside perspective and probably make more objective decisions.
I'll also say that if I had the tools and knowledge that I had now about alcoholism when my ex and I had our first conflict (around 4 months in), I would have walked away. At that point, I knew him enough and could recognize he wasn't at the point where he was ready to change, and I saw it pointless to set boundaries that I knew he wouldn't keep. I do understand the point of setting those boundaries as offering a chance, but sometimes it is a futile effort if you already know they won't respect those boundaries. If you were dating for years and this suddenly started to show up, that's one thing. Then you have reason to give a chance and see it through, because you know there's another side. If this has been status quo the entire relationship, though, then this is who she is. Not that she may not change, but expecting change when this is the person she's shown herself to be the whole time may be an unrealistic goal.
I hope that makes sense. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best in keeping yourself whole and healthy.
On the other hand, the lover is who we choose. We are not bound by them, nor them to us, by anything other than commitment and promises. We can put up boundaries, but that could make them disappear from our life permanently. For me, that made me a little more in denial of his problems until they came to a head and couldn't be ignored. For me, there was that big risk of losing him, and losing whatever connection that we did have that seemed so strong, outside of the alcoholism. In my experience, I was more hesitant to place strong boundaries and keep them, when it came to a significant other than I was with the relative.
I don't know if this is something that you are struggling with, or if it's a normal thing, but it just seems harder to be firm with boundaries when it comes to someone you choose rather than a blood relative - especially when you're in the thick of that relationship.
What helped me was stepping out of it. In this situation, it's okay to take a time out and have a week or two for yourself so you can form a more objective view of the reality here. It's hard to really think clearly when you're in the thick of it. That way you'll be able to almost look at it with an outside perspective and probably make more objective decisions.
I'll also say that if I had the tools and knowledge that I had now about alcoholism when my ex and I had our first conflict (around 4 months in), I would have walked away. At that point, I knew him enough and could recognize he wasn't at the point where he was ready to change, and I saw it pointless to set boundaries that I knew he wouldn't keep. I do understand the point of setting those boundaries as offering a chance, but sometimes it is a futile effort if you already know they won't respect those boundaries. If you were dating for years and this suddenly started to show up, that's one thing. Then you have reason to give a chance and see it through, because you know there's another side. If this has been status quo the entire relationship, though, then this is who she is. Not that she may not change, but expecting change when this is the person she's shown herself to be the whole time may be an unrealistic goal.
I hope that makes sense. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best in keeping yourself whole and healthy.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
She is a gem when sober, but she is a monster when drunk. . .
Now, what took me years to accept is that actually there was no split personality in my exAH. This was one coin that had two sides. I could not keep the good side without accepting the bad one. And the bad side was too much to handle.
You say you have been dating for five months. That is quite a short period, and she already exposed you to the beast. That is not a good sign.
Now, what took me years to accept is that actually there was no split personality in my exAH. This was one coin that had two sides. I could not keep the good side without accepting the bad one. And the bad side was too much to handle.
You say you have been dating for five months. That is quite a short period, and she already exposed you to the beast. That is not a good sign.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
CMJ, your girlfriend sounds exactly like my ex wife, except for the difference in age. 5 months in is a pretty short time frame to be sticking through issues like this, in my opinion.
The tough thing about speaking in terms of the "potential" in a relationship is that it isn't the current reality. The current reality is that you're in a relationship with someone who switches from nice to abusive. Sure, there's the potential that she might decide to turn things around. There's also the potential for you to win the lottery next week, but that doesn't mean you should spend your whole paycheck on lotto tickets, if you catch what I'm saying. The analogy here is that instead of having an empty wallet in the hopes of getting a cash windfall, you're forcing yourself to endure abuse and sadness in the hopes that your abuser will stop abusing you.
The tough thing about speaking in terms of the "potential" in a relationship is that it isn't the current reality. The current reality is that you're in a relationship with someone who switches from nice to abusive. Sure, there's the potential that she might decide to turn things around. There's also the potential for you to win the lottery next week, but that doesn't mean you should spend your whole paycheck on lotto tickets, if you catch what I'm saying. The analogy here is that instead of having an empty wallet in the hopes of getting a cash windfall, you're forcing yourself to endure abuse and sadness in the hopes that your abuser will stop abusing you.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Thomas, good post!! I like that "lottery" analogy. I'm going to file that away for my own use, if you don't mind.
CMJ, welcome to SR. There is a LOT of experience around these parts--I think if you read as much as you can here, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page, you'll get a crash course in alcoholism, what it does and what you can and can't do about it. (Altho it sounds like you have some experience already?)
Five months is barely a drop in the bucket of the lifetime you'd hope to spend w/someone; if this first drop is this bad, what would make you believe the rest of it's going to be any better? There is a saying around here--when someone shows you who they are, believe them. She's showing you...
And yes, going to AA may or may not mean anything, even if it's more than the one meeting your A has done so far. For the past 3 years, XAH attended regularly, even chaired his Sunday AM group, and yet drank w/o a hitch during the whole time. It's certainly a good sign if the person goes, but like so many other things, it can be used as a tool for manipulation (hey, I'm going to AA, what more do you want?!) for continued drinking if the person isn't truly interested in recovery. Here's another saying, this one on that topic: If you were standing in your garage, that wouldn't automatically mean you were a car. Same thing for sitting in an AA meeting--doesn't automatically mean they're interested in recovery.
I'd give this one a pass, CMJ--but some of us need more convincing than others, and that's just how it is. Keep coming back, keep posting and reading, and look into Alanon for yourself. That might be helpful in finding out what it is that makes you consider a person like this to be relationship material.
CMJ, welcome to SR. There is a LOT of experience around these parts--I think if you read as much as you can here, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page, you'll get a crash course in alcoholism, what it does and what you can and can't do about it. (Altho it sounds like you have some experience already?)
Five months is barely a drop in the bucket of the lifetime you'd hope to spend w/someone; if this first drop is this bad, what would make you believe the rest of it's going to be any better? There is a saying around here--when someone shows you who they are, believe them. She's showing you...
And yes, going to AA may or may not mean anything, even if it's more than the one meeting your A has done so far. For the past 3 years, XAH attended regularly, even chaired his Sunday AM group, and yet drank w/o a hitch during the whole time. It's certainly a good sign if the person goes, but like so many other things, it can be used as a tool for manipulation (hey, I'm going to AA, what more do you want?!) for continued drinking if the person isn't truly interested in recovery. Here's another saying, this one on that topic: If you were standing in your garage, that wouldn't automatically mean you were a car. Same thing for sitting in an AA meeting--doesn't automatically mean they're interested in recovery.
I'd give this one a pass, CMJ--but some of us need more convincing than others, and that's just how it is. Keep coming back, keep posting and reading, and look into Alanon for yourself. That might be helpful in finding out what it is that makes you consider a person like this to be relationship material.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 5
I hear you. I'm in the middle of it. She is telling her parents she needs help tonight.
The boundary is set. It's really her choice. Additionly it's a problem as I've known this person for decades. It's not as simple as five months. If it implodes it implodes. I've never been a saver and I've never been in an abusive relationship. I have to let this statistic come to me rather than creating it.
I'll be going to Alanon for sure
The boundary is set. It's really her choice. Additionly it's a problem as I've known this person for decades. It's not as simple as five months. If it implodes it implodes. I've never been a saver and I've never been in an abusive relationship. I have to let this statistic come to me rather than creating it.
I'll be going to Alanon for sure
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I've never been a saver and I've never been in an abusive relationship.
I'll be going to Alanon for sure.
I wish you strength and clarity as you try to find your way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
You've only been dating for five months.
Do you need this?
Do you need this?
Originally Posted by CMJ1977
Hey everyone, here it goes,
I've been dating a woman for five months. Our relationship is great when she is sober. As soon as alcohol hits she turns into an abusive entitled monster. She is a notorious drunk and appears to be borderline although I'm not a doctor. My brother is a recovery addict and is approaching three years sobriety so I have experience with this type of thing but feel ill prepared in handling this as her lover.
I have attempted to not take what she says or does when drunk personally as she has done it too many other people and is somewhat of a recluse. I am very tolerant of people who have issues. I have bipolar and spent over ten years " underwater " trying to find my way. Lithium , nutritional, and CBT therapy saved my life as well as a supportive family.
She displays almost all over the narcisistic and manipulative tactics of a mid stage alcoholic. We are both 37. I do not tolerate abuse well. During episodes she essentially goes into attack mode. In the past I would simply disengage. I've recieved reams of abusive text messages all triggered by zero provocation. What's disturbing is in her attacks directed at me it seems as if she is talking about herself. She is always apologetic the next morning.
Everything hit critical mass one night and I told her to never call me again when drunk. The next morning I said I will not tolerate abuse and asked her if she ever thought of getting treatment for her alcohol problems and or borderline. Mind you she blacks out almost every time she drinks and has for at least a decade. She doesn't need to drink every night and is not chemically hooked in terms of detox type stuff yet. Her response to my boundary was going to her first AA meeting that night. Needless to say I am super proud of her.
Within 24 hours she's calling me condescending and blaming me for disclosing information to my parents about what is going on. Mind you everyone that knows her knows she is an alcoholic she has an almost legendary reputation.
I've decided there's no way this relationship can work if she is unwilling to try. The sad part is that our sober relationship had a lot of potential. We are now not on speaking terms as she is still working through her thoughts on what I said. I have a premonition she is about to split me and become resentful. I'm scared of what she might do.
I have gone through periods where I blamed myself and felt incredibly insecure. At times it appears she has no empathy. My fear is that the alcohol is only part of the problem but there's zero question that it has to go before she can actually hit rock bottom. Finishing writing this I've realized there is nothing I can do. What I'm unsure of is how to respond. I'm tempted to hold the line at all costs " I will not tolerate abuse " and most likely be the first man to do so. She did go to an AA meeting for the first time and I'm fiercely proud of that.
I've been dating a woman for five months. Our relationship is great when she is sober. As soon as alcohol hits she turns into an abusive entitled monster. She is a notorious drunk and appears to be borderline although I'm not a doctor. My brother is a recovery addict and is approaching three years sobriety so I have experience with this type of thing but feel ill prepared in handling this as her lover.
I have attempted to not take what she says or does when drunk personally as she has done it too many other people and is somewhat of a recluse. I am very tolerant of people who have issues. I have bipolar and spent over ten years " underwater " trying to find my way. Lithium , nutritional, and CBT therapy saved my life as well as a supportive family.
She displays almost all over the narcisistic and manipulative tactics of a mid stage alcoholic. We are both 37. I do not tolerate abuse well. During episodes she essentially goes into attack mode. In the past I would simply disengage. I've recieved reams of abusive text messages all triggered by zero provocation. What's disturbing is in her attacks directed at me it seems as if she is talking about herself. She is always apologetic the next morning.
Everything hit critical mass one night and I told her to never call me again when drunk. The next morning I said I will not tolerate abuse and asked her if she ever thought of getting treatment for her alcohol problems and or borderline. Mind you she blacks out almost every time she drinks and has for at least a decade. She doesn't need to drink every night and is not chemically hooked in terms of detox type stuff yet. Her response to my boundary was going to her first AA meeting that night. Needless to say I am super proud of her.
Within 24 hours she's calling me condescending and blaming me for disclosing information to my parents about what is going on. Mind you everyone that knows her knows she is an alcoholic she has an almost legendary reputation.
I've decided there's no way this relationship can work if she is unwilling to try. The sad part is that our sober relationship had a lot of potential. We are now not on speaking terms as she is still working through her thoughts on what I said. I have a premonition she is about to split me and become resentful. I'm scared of what she might do.
I have gone through periods where I blamed myself and felt incredibly insecure. At times it appears she has no empathy. My fear is that the alcohol is only part of the problem but there's zero question that it has to go before she can actually hit rock bottom. Finishing writing this I've realized there is nothing I can do. What I'm unsure of is how to respond. I'm tempted to hold the line at all costs " I will not tolerate abuse " and most likely be the first man to do so. She did go to an AA meeting for the first time and I'm fiercely proud of that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 9
my situation is similar though longer together but after months of trying to help and save him i had an aa friend get straight with me and say theres nothing you can do, you cant save him. it took some time to take action on that realization but i got in the lifeboat and started rowing.
she may get in her own lifeboat and catch up with you an dyou work it out. she may not. and your cutting bait could be the best thing to happen. but why go down with the ship? but as they say in the departing flight preamble, put your own o2 mask on before helping others.
good luck and keep reading more here and going to some alanon or SR mtgs. they helped me a lot.
she may get in her own lifeboat and catch up with you an dyou work it out. she may not. and your cutting bait could be the best thing to happen. but why go down with the ship? but as they say in the departing flight preamble, put your own o2 mask on before helping others.
good luck and keep reading more here and going to some alanon or SR mtgs. they helped me a lot.
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