can't seem to find my strength again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 9
can't seem to find my strength again
broke up with my ex a few months ago. his DOC is crack and alcohol. i felt so good, worked so hard on me! i felt free for the first time in a long time. well he came back, promising to change everything and I fell for it. well now it's worse than ever. he stopped using for a while but honestly he was just more irritable and mean when he was clean (not working a program) he's becoming increasingly hostile, violent, and unpredictable. but now I can't find the strength to walk away and it seems like he's on the verge of ending things with me and for some sick reason I feel like holding on. I knew all about the manipulation, the lies, the abuse, and the cycle of violence but I fell for the honeymoon period again after resisting for so long.
as for me, i am going to CODA meetings and trying to work on myself. we live together but he has been gone for several days with some family up north (so I think, contact with him is limited). how do I find that strength again? It seems now more than ever I cry a lot, feel extremely depressed, anxious, and angry. I just want to be strong again and walk away for good but i am struggling big time. can anyone relate?
as for me, i am going to CODA meetings and trying to work on myself. we live together but he has been gone for several days with some family up north (so I think, contact with him is limited). how do I find that strength again? It seems now more than ever I cry a lot, feel extremely depressed, anxious, and angry. I just want to be strong again and walk away for good but i am struggling big time. can anyone relate?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
I was with a meth addict for three years.
The whiny, teary apologies give way to lying and fits of rage. Ironically, when he's most loving and sane is when he is high. If he has no problem with you drug testing him randomly over the next six months, he is perhaps serious. If he gives you a spiel about dignity, he wants dignity for his habit.
The whiny, teary apologies give way to lying and fits of rage. Ironically, when he's most loving and sane is when he is high. If he has no problem with you drug testing him randomly over the next six months, he is perhaps serious. If he gives you a spiel about dignity, he wants dignity for his habit.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Peggy, I am glad you are getting support from your meetings as well as here.
I think sometimes that we get "comfortable" with the chaos. It becomes the "normal" in our lives and bad as it is, we have learned how to live with it and we soon lose sight of what living a healthy life is like. The thought of going into the "unknown", the "in between" where we find our balance and learn to make healthier choices. is just scary. It was for me when I had to let go of my son and his addiction.
I hope you find your balance again, perhaps you took him back because you had more to learn and now that you know better, you will do better.
Good luck, dear. I hope you step out of the darkness and into the light soon.
Hugs
I think sometimes that we get "comfortable" with the chaos. It becomes the "normal" in our lives and bad as it is, we have learned how to live with it and we soon lose sight of what living a healthy life is like. The thought of going into the "unknown", the "in between" where we find our balance and learn to make healthier choices. is just scary. It was for me when I had to let go of my son and his addiction.
I hope you find your balance again, perhaps you took him back because you had more to learn and now that you know better, you will do better.
Good luck, dear. I hope you step out of the darkness and into the light soon.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Your own recovery is hard work, and it's painful. We all just want those we love to be clean, act right, love us as much as we have loved them. It will wear you out and wear you down.
Walking away is not so easy. Keep working on you. Build yourself up. Be nice to yourself. Go to counseling and to meetings so you get to a place that no matter what happens, you can handle it because of who you are.
And of course, we here are SR are always here for you as well!!!
Walking away is not so easy. Keep working on you. Build yourself up. Be nice to yourself. Go to counseling and to meetings so you get to a place that no matter what happens, you can handle it because of who you are.
And of course, we here are SR are always here for you as well!!!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Peggy...
What you describe has happened to all of us in one form or another. In Ann's case, for example, I'm certain she fell for what her son was telling her. In my case, I let my AXGF back in one too many times after she came crawling back. It's the sort of mistake we make when we really care about someone. We so want to believe what they're telling us, we disregard the fact that there's no evidence to support that they're actually going to do the things they say they're going to do.
In practice, it's prudent to consider the words of an addict as poppycock. That way, you can protect yourself.
Hang in there.
What you describe has happened to all of us in one form or another. In Ann's case, for example, I'm certain she fell for what her son was telling her. In my case, I let my AXGF back in one too many times after she came crawling back. It's the sort of mistake we make when we really care about someone. We so want to believe what they're telling us, we disregard the fact that there's no evidence to support that they're actually going to do the things they say they're going to do.
In practice, it's prudent to consider the words of an addict as poppycock. That way, you can protect yourself.
Hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 9
Thank you everyone for your replies. I can definitely related to chaos being "normal" because my stepfather used to smoke crack in the house when I was a child and I got used to it. i gave him a few weeks to prove his words and he's pretty much broken almost every promise. which is why I started CODA, because my problem is that even though he has broken promises, the fears I have will keep me staying with him.
Thank you helpful4 about continuing to attend CODA meetings/counseling and focusing on myself so that no matter what happens, I will be OK because I AM OK and able to handle it because of my growth. I know I am capable of this. Feeling strong tonight.
Thank you helpful4 about continuing to attend CODA meetings/counseling and focusing on myself so that no matter what happens, I will be OK because I AM OK and able to handle it because of my growth. I know I am capable of this. Feeling strong tonight.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Peggy I am where you are right now. I was separated from my husband from April 2014-Dec 2015. He had several times of clean and then relapses but went back to a program he is really successful with. He put some sober time together and i let the dream of having my husband back cover the nightmare that is our life together.
I am now living in the chaos again worried about money and the valuable items now pawned. Its horrible. I wish there was an easy button.
Here is my plan. Maybe something will help. Beginning in March i have an account that he has no clue about and am putting as much money as i can into it. I am joining a group at church that is going to be a continuation of this group here.
I am setting a goal to post here more. Even though its not something i do a lot i find myself drawn to this forum. So much esh here i want to take it all in.
Most of all i am not blaming me. He is the person that has lied and made drugs and the drug dealers more important than his marriage. I can own my part and not just allow him to walk all over me. But i am only human. I feel for the image i had of who he used to be and not who he has spent the last 8 years showing me. Friday was 8 years of marriage and its been about 6 on this rollercoaster.
Please take care of you. You can't pour out of an empty cup. Give yourself some time and keep reading. It helps.
I am now living in the chaos again worried about money and the valuable items now pawned. Its horrible. I wish there was an easy button.
Here is my plan. Maybe something will help. Beginning in March i have an account that he has no clue about and am putting as much money as i can into it. I am joining a group at church that is going to be a continuation of this group here.
I am setting a goal to post here more. Even though its not something i do a lot i find myself drawn to this forum. So much esh here i want to take it all in.
Most of all i am not blaming me. He is the person that has lied and made drugs and the drug dealers more important than his marriage. I can own my part and not just allow him to walk all over me. But i am only human. I feel for the image i had of who he used to be and not who he has spent the last 8 years showing me. Friday was 8 years of marriage and its been about 6 on this rollercoaster.
Please take care of you. You can't pour out of an empty cup. Give yourself some time and keep reading. It helps.
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