Nick3837

Hello, this is really weird for me to write on a site like this...anyway, I just would like maybe additional guidance...I don't really even know. So basically I dated this girl almost a year ago, had a great time with her she told me she is a heroin addict I said ok I'll help and this and that. She started hanging out with her ex while I was dating her no big deal, and it always seemed like she was hiding things from me or, didn't want to hang out... Either way we would go places and have a good time sometimes she would just start falling asleep though, kind of really sad to watch, we didn't date for long it was about 2 months but I had very strong feelings for her and..still do. For a while after we had broken up I had tried contacting her and msging her and this and that because I could tell her addiction was getting much worse...I had always called her out o everything she did. I said encouraging things to her and kind of mean things to her to see if I could get a reaction and see if she was ok because I was so upset and sad. Well...she ended up homeless eventually for a little while but, she got caught for possession and, what had happened is she ended up going to rehab and came out of rehab. I noticed prior to that she would only respond to the mean messages I sent her. Anyways she gets out of rehab comes back home and, I hadn't said anything to her at this point in over a month....she sends me a paragraph apologizing to me and this and that we talk for a little bit and says we should hang out, including my friends as well since she is friends with them also, well I guess I got my hopes up a little to much and asked her to come here, go there and noticed she would always have an excuse, she told me relapsed when she sent that apology btw. Either way....she always had an excuse so I stopped messaging her and then we start to argue about **** and she starts acting all ghetto but she is not like that lol she is this tiny red headed cute chick and I'm just all upset because I really want to see her do well but, she got out of rehab and it seems she is still trying to hang out with the same people...I think she is in this drug court program but, I don't know for a fact..that would be good for her, oh and also I think she is living in a travelodge...I don't really know I'm just upset about the whole thing and, have been for sometime...she never has given me the time of day since we broke up and, I just like try to b nice or this and that and it seems like she only talks to me or reads what I say when it's convenient for her, the only reason I started talking to her again is because she had apologized but it seems like she doesn't even care anyway...she didn't treat me that well but, she kind of acts like I'm the bad guy but I love her lol!!! Either way, a month ago I told her I had feelings for her and she didn't respond at all lmao! I asked what she felt and everything, I was honest, after a little while went by I just told her I can't be friends with her anymore because I love her and this and that and like I keep trying to get thru her barrier and she never lets me in...so I msged her a few days ago just to be friendly and said something that had just happened to me and asked her how she was and I hope things are getting better for her...I don't know if she read it but she definitely hasn't replied lol...im focusing on myself and trying my best to do better with myself and I am doing ok.... It's just very tough because...even if I don't talk to her for months and that, I still think about her every single day and it is tough. I guess I just feel for her very deeply and, idk...I know there isn't anything I can do...I just would like to know is there any hope....it seems like she got mixed in with the wrong people and is now stuck in this addicted life or something I'm not sure.

Dee74

Hi Nick

I'm not sure how old you are but life's too short to wait for someone to sort them,selves out, especially if she doesn't sound like she's that into you anyway.

You sound like a nice guy. Find a girl who will love you like you love them. Find a girl whose life is less complicated, man.

D

Soberwolf

Welcome Nick this site is fantastic for support & advice

least

I agree with Dee. Find a girl who doesn't have serious problems and can love you.

Anna

Nick, I understand how hurt you feel and that you miss her so much. But, as you said, maybe you got involved with the wrong people. There are lots of girls out there who are sober and strong and will love you for who you are.

wpainterw

I entirely agree. Lots of fish in the sea, even red haired ones!

W.

EndGameNYC

She's living in a completely different universe than you are, where learning the language and the local customs isn't enough. Attempting to rescue an addict in the throes of addiction is virtually impossible, and even more so when you've never known that person to be fully clean and sober for a period of time.

As for her being all "ghetto" on you, and your claiming that she's not like that since she's a sweet, petite redhead...you have no idea what she's really like as long as she's using, and for a long time afterwards if she were to get clean. It's very likely that not even she knows who she is.

You're spending a great deal of time and effort, both trying to figure her out and analyzing behavior that clearly demonstrates that she isn't at all available to you. It's not at all about you...until you throw yourself into the chaos and become as addicted to her and her behavior as she is addicted to smack.

Mountainmanbob

Takes two for a friendship.
You only have one cooperating.
Too much lacking to invest.
MB

tomsteve

lots of good stuff said here.
you may want to answer these questions for yourself:
why do i want a relationship with someone that sick?
someone that pushes me away?
someone that has so much drama and chaos?
do i think i can save her?
do i honestly know what love is or is my perception of love messed up?

Aellyce

Yes lots of good pieces of advice here. I am sorry that you are hurting over this woman, Nick. I relate, because I had been on both sides: the behavior you describe about your friend also describes many situations in my life, I see myself in her (as an alcoholic who rejected, abandoned and hurt many people, including even my parents). Even the physical description, being a slim woman with noticeable hair colors Those "cute" physical features don't mean anything regarding our mental health and with time spent in active addiction, they are likely to deteriorate as we abuse and neglect our health.

And I've also experienced being on the other end when I was involved in a pretty crazy relationship with another alcoholic, a person who also had a host of psychological problems and lots of problems with intimacy, relating, and self expression. I spent an awful lot of time trying to figure him out and, while I think I was quite successful in that "analysis", it never really led to true progress in our relationship. So after several years of being extremely fixated on a relationship and a person that was pretty much as addictive as drinking itself, I left and moved on. I am sure he felt the same way about me. It was very difficult for a while but never regretted it and these days whenever I recall that I could have potentially stayed and stuck in it for a longer time, I tend to cringe.

I am with everyone else suggesting that you find someone more compatible and nourishing. It's hard to do but you likely would not regret later.

Nick3837

Thank you everyone for the kind and not so kind advice, all of it has been appreciated. Since I have posted this she has contacted me, I suggested that we "hang out". she said "I can't handle this right now i've kind of just been crying and ****" due to something about the hotel. Either way I said okay, no big deal, lemme know if you change your mind. An hour later She hits me up I go over there eventually and, we talk about what I have been doing and what she has been doing. This is the first time I had spoken to her in person like a human being in 10 months. We talked about her addiction and what it is doing to her life and she agreed with me.. She told me many aspects about her life that she had never told me before and has told me to hit her up, she has not been hanging out with any of her sober friends and it alarms me. I on the other hand have just started to get my life back together and am going to attend college very soon, everytime I message her now she seems to reciprocate it. It is a very good feeling and I also agree with all of your advisories however, I was under the impression that she had no intentions in talking to me which right now is debatable, I am not stopping my life for her, I am only progressing. I will try to hang out with her here and there sending her very few messages seeing if she is capable of reciprocating my actions and words if not I am not going to continue with those actions or words. Lastly, I am treading lightly, every time she does reciprocate me I am also not getting my hopes up, if she wants me in her life she is going to have to make that clear but, as of right now I am talking to her so I think it is best that I see how it goes. If it seems to be heading south I am out but, if she seems like she wants to reach out and try to get sober and/or go places with me I am all for it, I will not enable her in anyway and she already knows this about me. Thank you all very much if you would like to comment on this please feel free, I will take all advice into consideration.

Nick3837

why do i want a relationship with someone that sick? It's not particular to the indication weather the person is sick or not, if she was not sick I would still want a relationship with this person. This question is almost asking if I pick out sick people and try to have relationships with them on purpose.
someone that pushes me away? I guess the answer to this is because I see the good in her, she has done little wrong to me and I believe I have exhibited to much "neediness" towards her. Of course it is not my fault that I felt this way but, I can conclude that I no longer feel the need to act out of emotion towards her and, if she continues to push me away I am going to be pushed away forever.
someone that has so much drama and chaos? As for drama and chaos, who doesn't like a little bit of thrill? Haha!!!!!! no really, as for the drama and chaos, I will not be any part of it and want no part in it and she knows this.
do i think i can save her? I think I may be able to but, I am not going to try and force that upon someone if they do not want to be saved.
do i honestly know what love is or is my perception of love messed up? This is almost very personal..haha I believe every individual who lives in this world, love comes in many different shapes sizes and forms, it is unconditional so, Yes I believe I do know what love is..Would you say Romeo and Juliet were in love?
It is always debatable by any individuals beliefs and perception(s).

FreeOwl

Bingo.

Nothing more needs to be said here.

Move on, amigo.

360startstoday

Do you remember the end of Romeo and Juliet?

Dave42001

Run for the hills, you're young and she's got some serious baggage!

You can't soar with the Eagles when you're hanging out with the sparrows.. Take care of number 1! Listen to what the other members say.. You're going to school soon, you'll have the girls beating your door down.. Focus your energy elsewhere..

Go find a good girl that goes to school and has a job.. The travel lodge and rehab are huge red flags!! Wishing you the best!!

Dee74

Hi Nick

I get that you have a history with this woman - I get that you want to save her from herself.

I get that you have a dream in you of the two of you together.

my advice is still the same I'm afraid.
If you've read Romeo and Juliet you'll know they both died.

You deserve a relationship where your partner loves you the way you love them. You deserve a mature relationship where you can discover drama is a not 'a thrill'.

With an active addict there's always going to be a third party involved.

D

teatreeoil007

I get what you're saying nick I really do, but think about how Romeo and Juliet turned out: what a tragedy...

sg1970

Seriously, go to college and let her go on her own path. You have a lot of life ahead of you. I would encourage you to go read over on the friends and family section of this forum to get a good idea of what it is like to love an addict.

Nick3837

Sounds good to me my friend. It is just a tough situation, it is a arduous task to change my perception and state of mind I know I can do it it will just take time.

Nick3837

Thank you everyone again, just wanted to say a few words. I am24 years old I did 4 years in the military and 2 deployments, the timeframe of these deployments was 18 months. With all of that being said I feel as if I have a high threshold for stress and it is almost insane that I am saying this but this is more stressful than any of my time in the military...yes I will be actively progressing my life but, she will be in the back of my mind, I cannot say if she contacts me here and there if I will contact her again or not due to the nature of this I just know that I will not give her money or any of those things that she tries to get out of other loved ones. A few of you have mistaken my sarcasm for seriousness which is okay, typing sarcasm doesn't really work 😊. Anyway thank you all I really needed this because there arent many people who will listen to this in real life...they just say "get over it" and blah blah. Yes I understand that but, people do not understand what goes through someone's head who is in my shoes and, everything that was said by most of you was a great big help, the ones who suggested things along the lines of " get over it" and "move on" thank you but also no thanks I do not think that you should have even commented on this thread because that is almost obvious, that's like saying the same thing to an addict hey just "stay positive" haha ludicrous advice in my personal opinion but to the others thank you very much.