My partner
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 7
My partner
Hello,
My partner of 10 years decided to do the dry January in a hope to giving up drink or at least becoming a sociable drinker at weekends. She was drinking 15 units of vodka per day on average and was spending a lot of money and we both felt miserable. She's been a big drinker for 10-15 years. She did well during January and felt great, lost some weight and wanted more out of life, which was a welcome change as I love doing things and felt held back. On my birthday, 28th Jan, we had a drink together. But after 10 years of devotion to me she now says she doesn't know how she feels. I pushed for more and she says she feels numb but wants more and can't give me any answers. She has always been on anti-depressants and anxiety meds. I am not a big drinker but have supported her the best I can. Is this common in recovering drinkers?
My partner of 10 years decided to do the dry January in a hope to giving up drink or at least becoming a sociable drinker at weekends. She was drinking 15 units of vodka per day on average and was spending a lot of money and we both felt miserable. She's been a big drinker for 10-15 years. She did well during January and felt great, lost some weight and wanted more out of life, which was a welcome change as I love doing things and felt held back. On my birthday, 28th Jan, we had a drink together. But after 10 years of devotion to me she now says she doesn't know how she feels. I pushed for more and she says she feels numb but wants more and can't give me any answers. She has always been on anti-depressants and anxiety meds. I am not a big drinker but have supported her the best I can. Is this common in recovering drinkers?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi Jah, welcome to the forum. I am happy to hear about your partner's big step. It sounds like she was drinking a lot and quitting was a good idea. The thing is, if she is an alcoholic, even "special occasion" drinks should be off limits. Alcoholics can not safely drink, ever. One drink may lead to a weeks long binge. Maybe not every time, but there is that risk.
It is very normal in early sobriety to question relationships. She is going through major changes right now and her systems are all over the place. She may very well be seeing things in a new light, problems she drank to forget, or qualities in herself or you that make her question if you two are a good fit. On the other hand, it could be simply the initial imbalance of sobriety.
I would suggest fully supporting her sobriety. Do not offer drinks and do not encourage her to drink, even for birthdays, holidays or anything else. If she speaks again about feeling doubtful let her know that you are there to listen and support. Let her know that you have read that during the initial stages of sobriety people often question everything in their lives, especially relationships, let her know you are willing to be patient and stick through this with her and ask her just to hang on for a while and concentrate on herself. If, once getting solidly sober, say a year form now, she still has these doubts it may be the time to consider them seriously.
Best of luck to you. And her.
It is very normal in early sobriety to question relationships. She is going through major changes right now and her systems are all over the place. She may very well be seeing things in a new light, problems she drank to forget, or qualities in herself or you that make her question if you two are a good fit. On the other hand, it could be simply the initial imbalance of sobriety.
I would suggest fully supporting her sobriety. Do not offer drinks and do not encourage her to drink, even for birthdays, holidays or anything else. If she speaks again about feeling doubtful let her know that you are there to listen and support. Let her know that you have read that during the initial stages of sobriety people often question everything in their lives, especially relationships, let her know you are willing to be patient and stick through this with her and ask her just to hang on for a while and concentrate on herself. If, once getting solidly sober, say a year form now, she still has these doubts it may be the time to consider them seriously.
Best of luck to you. And her.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Welcome Jah my best advice is to let her figure this out if she is addressing her alcoholism she might be feeling all sorts of emotions its tough give time a little time and see where it goes remember yourself in all this too
There is a great friends & family section aswell
There is a great friends & family section aswell
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
It's possible that most of a month without drinking gave your girlfriend a different perspective on her life. Many of us see things differently in early recovery. It sounds like your girlfriend is unsure of her feelings at the moment but hopefully her feelings will become more clear. In the meantime, do try to find support for yourself here in our Friends & Families forum and AlAnon could be an option for you to find support.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,782
Welcome to the family. 
I would suggest you take a look at our friends and family forum. Lots of good insight there from people in similar situations.
I hope you can find some peace of mind.
I would suggest you take a look at our friends and family forum. Lots of good insight there from people in similar situations.I hope you can find some peace of mind.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 7
Thank you everyone for your kind words and very useful advise and support. I hope we can work it out even though she is saying her feeling aren't the same anymore and its since being sober. She's sober again after my birthday so there's hope for her I will try the friends and family forum.... J.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
I'm so happy to hear of your girlfriend's sobriety! It's the greatest blessing after a long painful struggle with alcohol!
Please take anything you read or hear with a grain of salt. People, including addicts, are unique and no two are alike. While there are certain thoughts/feelings that are common in early sobriety, we all remain unique and the only true expert on your girlfriend's feelings is your girlfriend.
While it can be helpful to commiserate with others and to educate yourself, I think it's potentially harmful when non-addicts try to "analyze" their addicted loved ones. I'm not saying that's what you do; I'm just offering my observation that F&F can sometimes cross that line.
I'll also add my personal feeling on this: When a non-addict attempts to discuss addiction or recovery with me based on something they read or heard, it usually offends and alienates me, because what they're spouting is hardly ever an accurate depiction of my own unique experience.
Bottom line: Expect changes in early sobriety. Don't expect to understand them all. Trust your girlfriend as the one and only expert on her thoughts and feelings.
Please take anything you read or hear with a grain of salt. People, including addicts, are unique and no two are alike. While there are certain thoughts/feelings that are common in early sobriety, we all remain unique and the only true expert on your girlfriend's feelings is your girlfriend.
While it can be helpful to commiserate with others and to educate yourself, I think it's potentially harmful when non-addicts try to "analyze" their addicted loved ones. I'm not saying that's what you do; I'm just offering my observation that F&F can sometimes cross that line.
I'll also add my personal feeling on this: When a non-addict attempts to discuss addiction or recovery with me based on something they read or heard, it usually offends and alienates me, because what they're spouting is hardly ever an accurate depiction of my own unique experience.
Bottom line: Expect changes in early sobriety. Don't expect to understand them all. Trust your girlfriend as the one and only expert on her thoughts and feelings.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 7
I will not take what I read with a grain of salt, I appreciate the help and support people have already offered whether they are recovering or being a supportive partner. Your words sound bitter and I'm sorry about that but I do agree with a lot you have said. I spent my very young and early adult life with an alcoholic mother so I have a fair bit of experience in the things addicts and recovering addicts go through. My girlfriend has never given up drinking for so long in 10-15 years so it must be a shock to her system. Her feelings changed 2 weeks into her no drinking period, I thought this strange as our relationship has been solid and open and very loving and respectful. She has doubted everything over the past couple of weeks, even our relationship, so I wanted to see if this type of thing happened in the early stages and it seems in a lot of cases it does.... We will probably split-up over this but I will support her if I can.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Yes it is normal to question a lot. I questioned a lot early on but not my relationship. Drinking heavily for so long messes with the chemistry of your brain because it is so use to getting by in a haze. It is use to that chemical being provided by alcohol and now that it is cut off from alcohol the brain is trying to find that chemical that it would normally produce itself in non alcoholic people. The brain is mis firing and that causes a lot of confusion and feelings that might be true or not. Who knows at this point what her true feelings are.
I would not say "I read this and I think this". That would have pissed me off in the beginning too because that person is trying to be an expert on something they probably know nothing about.
I would be supportive and say you are there to listen to her and that you are happy she is making steps to improve her life. Dont mention quitting alcohol, and that alcohol withdrawals are messing with her. Maybe suggest that you are willing to work through this and find out information with her. I wouldnt provide information that you found on your own.
Try and suggest working this out together because you care for her and want what is best for her. I would also refrain from drinking around her for the time being. If you truly want what is best for her, that shouldnt be a problem.
I would not say "I read this and I think this". That would have pissed me off in the beginning too because that person is trying to be an expert on something they probably know nothing about.
I would be supportive and say you are there to listen to her and that you are happy she is making steps to improve her life. Dont mention quitting alcohol, and that alcohol withdrawals are messing with her. Maybe suggest that you are willing to work through this and find out information with her. I wouldnt provide information that you found on your own.
Try and suggest working this out together because you care for her and want what is best for her. I would also refrain from drinking around her for the time being. If you truly want what is best for her, that shouldnt be a problem.
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