Ghostlight1

As the title states, sometimes I have this irrational fear of going to sleep. I was up for twenty hours Friday into today.
It all stems from the late stages of my alcoholism. If I slept, I would wake up. I knew what awaited me. Unless, of course, I had my bottle on the nightstand.

If not, and say it was a Sunday and they don't sell booze, or I was out.
It waited. The fear, wrenching anxiety and regret. The sweaty palms the fear I may have to talk to someone and they'd see the shape I was in.
If the telephone rang, it would scare me. I wouldn't answer it. Unplug it.

My only choice was to lay in bed all day and think about how I was going to stop drinking.
I read the Big Book through about thirty times in this condition. It made so much sense. Why couldn't I stop?
I read every book on alcoholism I could find. I knew I was late stage. Still I drank.
Still afraid to sleep.
Afraid of the fear and self-realization that I knew exactly what I was and things were just getting worse.

I knew, deep down, from the Big Book it took action. Going to a simple meetings.
I tried. The first four times I walked past the building too afraid to go in. Fear.
I did finally go in to a speaker meeting so I wouldn't have to say anything. I still drank, but it was never the same. Like here, there were people solving our common affliction of drink.

It's been over five years now since I found it necessary to take a drink.
But, I remember the horrors of waking up so vividly it sometimes comes out of nowhere. The fear.
Most nights I'm fine now. The fear isn't there and it's sleep perchance to dream.
And dream I do. And they're not the dreams of my active alcoholic days. They're nice dreams.

I don't know if the fear of not sleeping will be with me forever, but I know it won't make me drink and leave me the next day as if an invalid unable to function in the world.

It's 1am here now and I'm going to bed soon and I'm not afraid. I know what awaits me when I wake. Another chance to be a part of life and function.
No. I'm not afraid tonight.
I wish you the same and sweet dreams.

Soberish

Very inspirational. I hope I can look back on 5 years like this someday. Thank you for this post

Forte

That post inspired me more than you will ever know. Thank you.

least

I never really slept when I was drinking, more like passing out. And waking up was always horrible as I'd be in w/d really bad.

So glad those days are gone.

Soberwolf

Fantastic emphatic post

happyandfree

The insomnia while drinking and early sobriety was terrible for me too. Congratulations for overcoming your fear ghostlight. Congratulations on 5 years.

biminiblue

That Fear is what will keep me from going back to drinking. That was a life-altering primal terror that I never want to experience again.

Your post is beautifully evocative of that desperate hopelessness. Thank you for writing it.

LBrain

great post ghostface!

like others, much of the time I didn't 'fall asleep', I just passed out...

A thought... Could it have been not so much a fear of falling asleep as it was a fear of waking up? hmm?

Ghostlight1

Yes, that was the point- the terrors of the day after.

Dee74

Great post ghostlight -thanks

D

fantail

Thanks for this. I was afraid of going to sleep too. Sometimes the first thing I thought about when I woke up in the morning was whether I'd be able to sleep that night. Panic about it. In my case because I knew if I had insomnia, I'd be up all night drinking and scared... and then yes, wake up to another terrible morning.

That's something I should try hard never to forget. Thanks for your help.