solow

Hi all, I decided I need to share a bit more of my story because I'm really struggling and I need to hear people tell me I'll be alright.

As I've mentioned on here before I'm currently going through a messy breakup and the relationship was the catalyst for my drinking spiralling out of control. I used it to drown out the confusion and depression I was in as a result of being with a man who was both wonderful, playful, apparently caring and full of positive energy and at other times volatile, unpredictable, controlling, emotionally and psychologically abusive, reckless to the point where I was constantly under immense a stress not knowing what potentially disastrous thing he would do next and at times violent to the point where I was left with cuts and bruises on my face and body, a bloody nose, bad bite marks etc.

My situation now is this, I have been sober for 39 days, he had been out of the country for over 2 months during which time we have gone back and forth between fall out/break up to reconciliation but it seems finally we are going to properly split. Various things have happened that would make it impossible for us to stay together if he comes back.

However, I am grief stricken and huge amounts of pain, sometimes so much I don't think I can survive it. This, I know, is partly down to whatever cruelty in his personality that makes him so ruthlessly horrible to me. He knows exactly how to make me suffer and push me into despair and it's agony.

I hope I don't get too many people pointing out the obvious and wondering why I'm not ecstatic to be rid of him or why I'm feeling any grief at all. I am aware of the irrational nature of my feelings but I have spent the last 2 and a half years being isolated from everyone else I know and love and have lived and worked every day with this one man. We did everything together and I invested my entire existence in him.

And what's more, I'm just scared to be alone, I'm scared I won't find someone else, I'm scared of the loneliness I feel now.

So there it is!

least

My dad used to say "it's better to be alone than to be treated badly." You'll be alright. Stay sober and take care of yourself.

Blacky

You will be ok.

It will take time and maybe talking to a professional will help.
What you describe seems to me like an abusive controlling relationship.
In such cases it is normal or common for you to feel the way you do.

I am glad you are sober.

maia1234

S- I am sorry for your pain. Congratulations on 39 days sober. Please don't let the stress of your relationship jeopardize your sobriety. That truly is the most important thing in your life right now.

All I want to say is that I just divorced my AXH after 34 years together. We started dating when i was 15 years old, so truly I had never been alone. I did it and you could too, if you choose to do that. You can survive anything you put your mind too. It is scary and hard, but for me to find peace it was worth every scary moment. Sit back, clear your head of the alcohol and make smart decisions.

Please just continue alcohol free and everything will fall into place as it should.

Hugs my friend, you will be ok!!

oldsoul1122

I have gone through something similar and dealing with the aloneness and fear. I became isolated as a result of the dysfunction. Do you think he's a sociopath or narcissist? There are many websites dedicated to supporting women in your situation. Are you getting sober alone or in a group like AA? I have found at almost 7 months sober great love and support system from the AA women members. I find I have the strength to let go and move on after yeeeaaars of dependence on this person. You CAN heal and move on. NO CONTACT is the first rule. Yes, you will be okay
I want to add that the dynamics here are like dependence on a drug. We don't stop even when it kicks us down, withdrawals are hell, and so we try again thinking it'll be different this time but only in our imagination. In reality it never works, it beats us down and we become weaker each time. Time to stop.

Dee74

Breakups are painful - even when the relationship had its problems.

Every time I've broken up with someone (at least when I was drinking) I've been UTTERLY convinced I'll be alone for the rest of my life...

but that's never happened

You will get through this and you will be OK solow I promise - and staying sober will help the process go more quickly too.

D

courage2

You will be ok. Congratulations on the changes for the positive -- quitting alcohol and a bad relationship. That's very hard and some day you'll look back and be proud of yourself. You're doing the right thing!

In time, you'll learn to cope without that man or the liquor easily For now, have you considered a support group?

Thumpalumpacus

You will find someone else, sweetie. You will, and you should.

What you should never do is settle on a man who will lay his hands upon you. You deserve better, and he deserves jail time.

Use this time apart to put as much distance as possible between you and him. Don't answer his calls, don't entertain his pleas, and don't reply to his emails or texts.

Yes, it will hurt. It hurt less than the man you love beating the spirit out of you.

Congratulations on your sobriety and do keep it up. Right now, you absolutely need to be clear-minded.

Anna

I'm really sorry that you are going through such a painful breakup. It sounds like you have been abused physically and emotionally and that is so very sad. You deserve so much better than that in your life.

Congratulations on 39 days sober. Please take some to get to know yourself and to begin to like and love yourself. That will help you to attract someone to you who is a kind and loving person.

SoberLeigh

You WILL be okay, solow, and I suspect you will be much better than okay. sobriety and recovery will bring with it heightened clarity and a much better perspective.

Have you considered counseling ton help you heal from the abusive relationship?

Bailey3

Going through a break up has to be one of the difficult situations a person can go through. Considering how long the two of you were together makes it harder.

You will eventually begin to feel better about yourself. Just give it time. Life will get better. For now concentrate on your sobriety and, your emotional needs. Drinking is the absolute worst thing you can do right now. Keep posting. There's lots of support here.

Ariesagain

What you're feeling is very typical...here's a link I found that's pretty good:

Stockholm Syndrome: The Psychological Mystery of Loving an Abuser, Page 1

You were isolated and brainwashed, essentially, and that doesn't go away easily. Do you have a therapist or counselor you could talk with?

Sending you a hug...one day you'll look up and you will feel so relieved. It just takes time and maybe some help sorting it out?

FreeOwl

here's the thing....

If you choose to honor your sobriety....

If you choose to face this lifestage and these changes with a clear mind and a presence of being...

If you take the steps to grow from all of this and to use this experience to deepen your sobriety and enrich your life...

Then not only will you be alright.... YOU WILL BE INCREDIBLE.

Hang in there. Take care of yourself. Do the work of sobriety. Share your emotions and experience.... experience your emotions.....

And have faith in the notion that all is unfolding in the direction of your highest good.

Jsbodhi

Its totally normal to miss and love an abuser.
Time and distance will cure you of that- I promise.
Get sober, work on you and find yourself again and this guy'll be nothing but a distant memory.
I've been through it xoxo

teatreeoil007

One of the best, most wonderful things you can do, solow, is be alone. It likely sounds bad to you and feels bad right now, but being alone is GOOD! And, you will be okay. One of the best things that ever happened to me was a post break-up time when I was in college at age 20. Bizarre relationship "triangle" type thing that blew up in my face with the other woman accosting me and threatening to commit suicide. The relationship with my boyfriend did not last due to that and frankly I was scared to stay in that kind of relationships. Any time someone is suicidal it's a possibility they kill others and then kill themselves. I've never been suicidal, but her being suicidal scared me. The boyfriend had the whole thing blow up in his face too and he was livid at the other woman for approaching me in the first place...oh my...what a scene....anyways, I was alone for Christmas that year and had to work part of it anyway...which HELPED, but I felt like I should have been celebrating Christmas partly with him, however I knew the relationship was very over and the other woman did me a favor in the long run by revealing his true nature of not being honest...

I turned to music and got very well re-aquainted with the old Fender guitar.

You will get through this. We care about you. It will be okay.

fantail

Solow! While I was reading your post I actually thought, "Could we be dating the same person?" and then realized no, mine's been out of the country for five months, so it doesn't add up...

Seriously, you and I are in the same boat. (Mine was never physically violent, so that's different... I've been there other times though. I'm so sorry that happened to you ). But I was/am madly in love with and inseparable from exactly the kind of volatile, all on or all off, crazy-making kind of man that you're talking about here. I relapsed from a stretch of sobriety shortly into our relationship. And I kept relapsing all the way through the year and a half until I bottomed out. Yes, it was me and my addiction, but I understand what you mean when you say this person was the catalyst. I was a desperate, sobbing mess for over a year (except for the other 50% of the time when I was blissed out and in love). I felt like I would die. He would turn on me in ways that would completely knock me off my foundations, over and over again, usually just when I was feeling safe with him.

The good news is that your post makes me realize that I am doing better now. I'm 7 months sober from alcohol and about 6 months sober from him. Although like you I still have been talking with him and it really wasn't until a month ago that we really split.

You are going to be ok. Because I'm starting to see that I'm going to be OK. Part of me is still completely in denial, and thinks things might work out. But part of me is starting to think I'll meet someone else who treats me better, now that I'm sober and not such a freaking mess myself. And another part of me is starting to feel happy single again, and think about things I'll do alone if I don't meet someone anytime soon.

I know this is long but I wanted to really let you know how much I feel for you. I'm not out of the woods yet either but I can see that there is a way out. I haven't made much sense of this experience yet but I know that I will in time, and so will you.

keeppushing

S- I really feel for you. There is a lot of good advice so far, let me give you my different perspective even though my reasons are different.

I learnt a lot from this forum and my therapist. I learnt there is a difference between being alone and loneliness. I thought I was alone, but it turns I am lonely. I was advised to build connections. These connections can be to groups (AA, other support groups, even hobbyists), to individuals (both new and old family and friends), pets are great (there is nothing like the unconditional love of a puppy to heal a broken heart) or many anything you are passionate about (drawing, music, writing, etc.).

I am not there but boy do I feel much better.

I wish you all the best. You WILL be okay. Just don't dwell.

KP

Obladi

I understand loving someone deeply that has and uses the power to crush you. I understand how that can contribute to drinking spiraling out of control. I understand how when you are all spun down it feels like there is nothing left of you.

But I also know that you can come out of this and start rebuilding yourself. And that though it hurts like hell right now it is a sign of your spirit and strength that you know it's time to close this chapter. The cleaner the break, the better. Go and don't look back.

You will be ok.

sugarbear1

These feelings aren't permanent and you can come out of this to a whole new existence. Grieving is normal.

We're here with you. Hugs and love to you