CloudStrife

Hello everyone.
Today was another Day 1 after a particularly nasty 3 day drinking binge. I woke up to find I somehow ruined some equipment I was renting that will be several thousand dollars to replace.
Now I'm dealing with insane anxiety and guilt that is consuming my being at the moment. Feeling so tired and depressed.
The drinking must stop completely. I can't fool myself into thinking it will be different this time anymore. It always ends in devastation.
Tomorrow I will make a plan and stick to it.

sva777

Well take it easy, is all the booze gone? Did you use it up, toss it or do you still have some left? If you still have some toss it now.

What kind of equipment did you break, maybe it isn't as bad as you think right now?

How heavy have you been drinking the past three days?

nova84

Congratulations on making your decision Cloudstrife...and on msking it through day 1. Wishing you well on the rest of your recovery journey x

CloudStrife

Yes all the booze is gone. Now dealing with the withdrawal. I've been drinking a bottle of wine and 6-8 beers per day. Enough so that I blackout.

And the equipment was a laptop and some accessories. Woke up and saw I had spilled a drink and the equipment was soaked. Its amazing what we put ourselves through for alcohol.

eJoshua

Hey man - feelings of guilt will absolutely ruin you. Don't stress about it. You have made a great choice to work towards sobriety. The key is taking one day at a time. If you are the AA type, get yourself to a meeting. Otherwise, we are always here for support. Keep strong, you can do it.

CloudStrife

Thanks eJosh.
It seems when something really bad happens is when I get serious about sobriety again. Maybe I can think of this incident as a very expensive reminder of the horrible things I do when I've been drinking and all the chaos it causes.
I can't do it anymore. The binges just get more unpredictable. So its time to stop.

MythOfSisyphus

Yes, the unpredictability and guilt are horrible. I would do the worst things drunk and just feel awful. But after a few weeks or months passed I would rationalize that those things were in the past, that I "used to do" stuff like that, not anymore. Then I'd manage to do something even more embarrassing and the loathing/rationalization cycle would begin anew.

Dropsie

Take the lap top apart and put it in rice.

least

I hope this time you are successful at staying sober. It's worth it.

Nevey

I feel your pain... Got stupidly drunk on Thursday and lost my new iPhone that had no insurance.. Just throwing money away that you work hard for! You know, it's done now, just take it very easy today, and that includes being easy on yourself and don't beat yourself up.. Best of luck and thinking of you

CloudStrife

Tried it... didn't work.
I'm really good at destroying things when I get drunk.

Surrender2win

You made the right decision to get sober. Stay close to SR and read/post often. We're all here to help each other... Best wishes on your journey. xx

CloudStrife

Sorry to hear about your iPhone Nevey. :/
Yea I'm going to take it easy and read SR all day. As my anxiety is out of control at the moment.
I decided to email the company this morning about the equipment I ruined. I didn't want to prolong things any longer as my mind was fixating on the guilt and increasing my anxiety. Hopefully I will hear back from them soon and can come to some sort of resolution. I'm going to try and not ruminate on where I'm going to get the money right now as its making the anxiety so much worse.

Soberwolf

Congrats on making a day 1

soberlife123

I was exactly where you were yesterday emotionally/physically and even 36 hours later I'm feeling a lot better. Not great mind you, but better than yesterday. All I did yesterday was sit around and read SR too, today I'm actually going to venture out of the house. We can do this!

sva777

How are you feeling right now?

I have ruined expensive stuff while drunk/blacked our as well. I has just bought a new tower desktop computer a lot of years ago. Apparently I fell asleep drunk while using the computer which was maybe a week old. I woke up to the computer not working. I noticed it was sitting on wet carpet. That's when I realized I went to the bathroom on it while blacked out night before.

We have all had regrettable drunk experiences, be happy you didn't harm anyone else or yourself. Waking up in the ER or in jail is much worse than some money lost. Use this as a new beginning to quit.

CloudStrife

Thanks for the words of encouragement soberlife123!

CloudStrife

I'm still feeling guilty and anxious. You're absolutely right though. It could be worse. I should be thankful for that.
Maybe this kick was what I needed to end this cycle of benders I've been repeating for the past few months.

ZeldaFan

I was where you are three weeks ago after two weeks of heavy drinking. It's no fun but I'm now on day 22 thanks to SR, a new plan and the support of some close friends. It can be done but it's not easy at the beginning. Bummer about the computer but material possessions can be replaced. Your health and relationships are much harder to mend. Take care of yourself and I'm pulling for you to make this your last Day 1.

Also, I love the username. As you can see from mine, I'm a gamer myself and the FF franchise is at the top of my list. Especially VII.

CloudStrife

Thanks for the kind words ZeldaFan! I've been reading your recovery journal. Congrats on the 3 weeks!
Yea I'm trying to dissolve the shame/guilt I'm feeling about ruining the electronics. It's just going to set me back a bit.
I am drinking some green tea and trying not to worry about it right now since theres nothing more that can be done at the moment. My hungover mind just wants to take everything bad and go over it again and again and rerun every worst case scenario and get me all worked up.
No more drinking ever. I don't need this drama. :P