sydneybristow

Hello everyone. I am new here so I really appreciate any thoughts you have to offer. When I was about nine years old my alcoholic step-father got drunk and beat my mother. She then tried to commit suicide. I stopped her from doing it. My step-father never drank again and we have a great relationship.

I am now 29, married, with two children. Before my husband and I were married, he hardly ever drank. He would only drink when we spent time with his parents (they both drink quite a lot) and during football season. During the last six months, he has started drinking almost every night. He normally has at least three and sometimes as many as six or seven beers. I have talked to him about how much this disturbs me because I know the damage that alcohol can do. I do not want my children growing up in a house where drinking is part of daily life. He says that he doesn't have a problem yet a few times he has been so hungover that he had to call in sick to work.

I do not know if I am overreacting due to past experience or if he really has a problem. Help

JT

Welcome Sydney,

I am more bugged about the calling in sick than the drinking. Drinking daily is not a good thing but it doesn't have to be a bad thing either. My Ward is a daily drinker and manages to go to work every day and he is in construction. I don't appreciate his drinking but in every other way he is a good guy.

For you I would ask you to look at him as a person and not just at the drinking. Don't let a few drinks color how you see a good man if that is what he is. I get touchy about it myself and for good reason. My Dad is an alcoholic and so is my son. I have to really pay attention to see the good in a less than perfect situation.

Hugs,
JT

best

Welcome to SR

If his behaviors ... drinking or otherwise are a problem in the relationship... then it is a problem.
As far as him seeing it as a problem is another issue. Talk it over with him but don't set any expectations. Read the stickies here. Read some posts and look to see where Al Anon meetings in your area are at. The meetings will be a great support and source of info for you. Will help you understand many things.

sydneybristow

Hi,

It's me again. He came into the room before I could finish my thoughts last night. I meant to add that when he drinks he says really mean things to me and my kids. On one occasion, he had a loaded gun in his pocket and threatened to kill someone. When he does not drink, he is the sweetest guy in the world. It's really like Jekyll and Hyde and it scares the crap out of me.

Grace

Hi Sydney!

My A boyfriend is also an alcoholic. He is also a Jekyll and Hyde.

Here are a few questions to answer about your husband:

1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking?
2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of drinking?
7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job?
15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?
16. Do you drink alone?
17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?
18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
20. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

If your husband could answer yes to [B]three or more, he definitely has a problem with alcohol.

Sydney, I have learned 2 very important things about alcoholism.

1. If the person's drinking is causing problems, then it is a problem.
2. Does the person have a tolerance to alcohol? Do they drink more than
others to get the same effect?

Stay on here! The people are great. Learn to take care of yourself and your children. You cannot control or change anyone but yourself. If you ever feel that you or your children are in danger....LEAVE!

Also, a very good book to read is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews.

Good luck and God Bless!
Grace

sdg928

Hi. I have gone through similar experiences with my husband. When he is sober he is the sweetest guy, but drunk, he is almost always extremely verbally abusive. He says terrible things to me and calls me every name in the book, shouting at the top of his lungs. On a few occassions, he has even been physically abusive toward me. He has not outright punched me or anything, but has pushed me around and manhandled me. Even though I was experiencing these drunked tirades, I still questioned whether or not my husband had a problem. I kept wondering if I was overreacting. He kept telling me he would never say or do these terrible things if I would just leave him alone about his drinking.

About 3 weeks ago, I decided that I had had enough. My confusion, pain and fear turned to anger and bitterness toward my husband. I no longer questioned whether or not he had a problem. I KNEW he had a problem. I also no longer was going to keep his drinking a secret from friends and family. I told my parents and my closest friends. I had always been afraid to tell anyone, afraid of what people would think. That seems like an irrational fear now. I told my husband that I would no longer continue in a relationship affected by his binge drinking. I was already looking for another place to live, when he came home one day and said he would stop drinking. That was exactly one week ago today.

I can't say that I am overjoyed at his commitment to stop drinking because it was LONG overdue, plus I have no guarantee that he will live up to it. I almost feel as though, if he is going to slip up and start drinking again, I would rather it happen sooner than later so that I can move on with my life. For now though, I am going to take things one day at a time and pray for the best.

StandingStrong

I used to ask the very same question. There was a part of me that beleived that AH had a drinking problem - there were other times I thought I was blowing it out of proportion.
One thing I've come to realize is that it's very true what they say about alcoholism being a progressive disease. What may have started out small has now grown to a point where it's a problem.
Now, whether you veiw that as "his" problem or "your" problem - well, really, it doesn't matter because his problem is becoming your problem, yes? His drinking is causing a problem so now, it's up to you to figure out how to deal with that.

Keep reading here at SR - there are so many wise people here! And you'll realize that you are not alone!

Peaches04

I had the same problem as well. My husband sounds very similar to yours. He's been drinking like yours since we've been married. I used to drink too, but then we had kids and I guess I grew up and out of that party mentality. Anyway, I think I had just gotten so accustomed to it, that I never thought much about it. But, within the last few months, I have come to terms with it and think he is an alchoholic, and it's a problem. Here was my wake up thoughts. 1 - I noticed that when he drinks now it really, really bothers me. I tried to explain it to him like this... You know when you are at a party or something, and there's this one guy that comes up and starts talking, and you can tell they've been drinking - but there not really fall down drunk - and you are just uncomfortable and want to get away from the guy. Well, that's how I was feeling with my husband too much. That, and the fact that when I explained all that - he still couldn't stop. AND I can tell because I finally listened to myself and realized that I was a shell of the person I used to be - and I want me back! I'm new to all this, and I wonder sometimes too if my H is - but, I think the bottom line is what best said earlier - if it's causing a problem in the relationship - it's a problem. That's kind of what I'm going with... Hope this helps a little anyway

Auriana

Peaches - I read you. I want me back too. Yesterday my AH relasped and I wasn't hurt like I usually am. Instead, I was incredibly sad - I realized yesterday that I have spent my entire marriage worrying and caring for my AH....but no one has been worrying or caring for me. I just realized I don't know who I am any more. My AH has moved out and, before the relapse, I thought he was going to move back home. Now I realize that the time apart is needed for me to get back to me. I hope he figures himself out in the mean time...but I will not worry about that. I will worry about me.