I insulted her and I feel terrible
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: west coast
Posts: 21
I insulted her and I feel terrible
My ex is my only closest friend and I still love her very much. I have been good about not saying too much about her drinking since she moved out of my house. But the resentment is still there, and as she now drinks vodka in the day more has built up. It's been weeks since I've had a sober conversation with her. I've tried detaching and have been doing good, going to therapy for myself, tring to make other connections and then tonight this fury came into me out of nowhere.
She was drinking again, in my house and I just felt so sick and tired of our friendship deteriorating and the girl I love killing herself. I blurted out that her life was unmanageable and she admitted that she drinks and I go to therapy--we just have different ways to help ourselves. I told her we were growing apart and I am scared of losing her, losing the very person she was. She said she wasn't going anywhere, but I said I didn't want her as a drunk in my life. I feel us growing apart. She screamed that the last time she quit drinking for three years it was for herself and it took physical injury (she fell and shattered her front teeth) to make her stop drinking. I blurted out that if she needed to see physical signs, she is gaining tons of weight. Ouch. The ultimate insult. As soon as I said it I felt sick. I knew she'd hang up on me and she did. I knew, somewhere deep in me that it would drive her away, and she left my house before I could get home, and drove home drunk.
I am afriad of what I am turning into, the disgusting rage and resentment boiled over and I hate myself right now. It hurt so bad to come home and have her not be here and know that my comment is now another wound on her delicate psyche. I didn't know it bothered me that her body and face are swollen with alcohol and as a woman, I know that I should be more sensitive about body image with other women. I don't know what I'm asking here, I just needed to come clean.
She was drinking again, in my house and I just felt so sick and tired of our friendship deteriorating and the girl I love killing herself. I blurted out that her life was unmanageable and she admitted that she drinks and I go to therapy--we just have different ways to help ourselves. I told her we were growing apart and I am scared of losing her, losing the very person she was. She said she wasn't going anywhere, but I said I didn't want her as a drunk in my life. I feel us growing apart. She screamed that the last time she quit drinking for three years it was for herself and it took physical injury (she fell and shattered her front teeth) to make her stop drinking. I blurted out that if she needed to see physical signs, she is gaining tons of weight. Ouch. The ultimate insult. As soon as I said it I felt sick. I knew she'd hang up on me and she did. I knew, somewhere deep in me that it would drive her away, and she left my house before I could get home, and drove home drunk.
I am afriad of what I am turning into, the disgusting rage and resentment boiled over and I hate myself right now. It hurt so bad to come home and have her not be here and know that my comment is now another wound on her delicate psyche. I didn't know it bothered me that her body and face are swollen with alcohol and as a woman, I know that I should be more sensitive about body image with other women. I don't know what I'm asking here, I just needed to come clean.
Binge poster
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 561
How pc do we have to be?
Hey there
I can identify so much with your post. My A partner isn't drinking, but she's started smoking hash every night and I can't remember when WE had a sober, open conversation.
Same thing, delicate ego, consistant transfer of blame (to me) and what seems like an unrelenting descent into ill health and yes, weight gain.
Why do we feel that some subjects are completely off limits? Politically correct notions that no matter how much weight someone piles on we're not allowed to say anything? They are destroying their health, putting strain on their hearts and wasting the one thing in life that comes as a free gift.
In her case it's eating her way through multipacks of chocolate and big family packs of doritos of a stoned evening, not to mention the hours and hours of inactivity while she smokes herself to death, stuffs her face and fills the big computer chair more convincingly each day.
If we saw someone we cared about punching their own face we'd say don't do that, look what you've done to yourself.
I have learned through this programme to let go of it, there's absolutely no point in fretting and becoming frustrated that the A isn't listening and that they seem hell-bent on self destruction. It was driving me NUTS!
It still does sometimes, but this new way of thinking is slowly sinking in and although she's actually smoking more and more, I feel better. How weird is that?
I've let go and trusted that the way things will work out is meant to be. You know, I was surprised to find that when I DID let go the sky didn't fall down and the world went on. I love her to bits, but it's her life and I can't control it.
I hope I made sense there.
Thinking of you, take care
Jane
I can identify so much with your post. My A partner isn't drinking, but she's started smoking hash every night and I can't remember when WE had a sober, open conversation.
Same thing, delicate ego, consistant transfer of blame (to me) and what seems like an unrelenting descent into ill health and yes, weight gain.
Why do we feel that some subjects are completely off limits? Politically correct notions that no matter how much weight someone piles on we're not allowed to say anything? They are destroying their health, putting strain on their hearts and wasting the one thing in life that comes as a free gift.
In her case it's eating her way through multipacks of chocolate and big family packs of doritos of a stoned evening, not to mention the hours and hours of inactivity while she smokes herself to death, stuffs her face and fills the big computer chair more convincingly each day.
If we saw someone we cared about punching their own face we'd say don't do that, look what you've done to yourself.
I have learned through this programme to let go of it, there's absolutely no point in fretting and becoming frustrated that the A isn't listening and that they seem hell-bent on self destruction. It was driving me NUTS!
It still does sometimes, but this new way of thinking is slowly sinking in and although she's actually smoking more and more, I feel better. How weird is that?
I've let go and trusted that the way things will work out is meant to be. You know, I was surprised to find that when I DID let go the sky didn't fall down and the world went on. I love her to bits, but it's her life and I can't control it.
I hope I made sense there.
Thinking of you, take care
Jane
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
((Laura))
It sounds like you are doing a lot to help yourself in this situation. Have you looked into any Al-Anon meetings in your area? The point I was at, I knew that I had to detach. But I didn't know that I needed to put some support in place to become strong enough to do it. I was a one friend kind of person. I tend to place all my eggs in one basket. I never thought of how heavy a burden I placed on that person. By attending Al-Anon, I started to learn that different people are capable of fulfilling different needs in my life. I don't lean on one person to fulfill me. It has given me the ability to let people be weak, and I don't resent that. I always felt that they were letting me down. Now I know that my expectations were what caused my frustration, anger, and loneliness.
There is a wonderful support system of people who understand us and can guide and love us. All we have to do is reach out. It has helped the relationships in my life. They aren't what I always imagined, but they didn't have to be destroyed either.
To find a meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting." You have found some tools in your life for coping. This could be another. You don't have to deal with this alone. Hugs, Magic
It sounds like you are doing a lot to help yourself in this situation. Have you looked into any Al-Anon meetings in your area? The point I was at, I knew that I had to detach. But I didn't know that I needed to put some support in place to become strong enough to do it. I was a one friend kind of person. I tend to place all my eggs in one basket. I never thought of how heavy a burden I placed on that person. By attending Al-Anon, I started to learn that different people are capable of fulfilling different needs in my life. I don't lean on one person to fulfill me. It has given me the ability to let people be weak, and I don't resent that. I always felt that they were letting me down. Now I know that my expectations were what caused my frustration, anger, and loneliness.
There is a wonderful support system of people who understand us and can guide and love us. All we have to do is reach out. It has helped the relationships in my life. They aren't what I always imagined, but they didn't have to be destroyed either.
To find a meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting." You have found some tools in your life for coping. This could be another. You don't have to deal with this alone. Hugs, Magic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: west coast
Posts: 21
I just want to say thanks Jane and Magic for your replies. Your support means alot. I think saying that was a subconscious way for me to expediate her distancing from me for a bit. In the future, i need to realize if I didn't keep my real frustration bottled up and masked uncomfortabley it wouldn't blow up in these rash outbursts of anger and tears. Thanks for being there when I feel so low.
L
L
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Laura,
You come here any time. Vent if you need to. We all need people that we can talk to that understand. I think that alcoholics speak a different language than we do. At least we can get it out, and get some possitive healthy feedback here. You don't have to deal with it alone, or bottle it up. Hugs, Magic
You come here any time. Vent if you need to. We all need people that we can talk to that understand. I think that alcoholics speak a different language than we do. At least we can get it out, and get some possitive healthy feedback here. You don't have to deal with it alone, or bottle it up. Hugs, Magic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: west coast
Posts: 21
yeah so it's been over a week...still haven't taked to her. She really hurt by what I said and won't even answer the call. I'm going thru withdrawals.
Yet the crazy part is that simultaneously, I've realized in her absence from my life for the past week, that we are in a very unhealthy "rescue triangle" of victim, rescuer, and persecutor.
I am the rescuer, full of knowledge on how she can get better, she is the victim, sad inside so bad that she has to drown it in alcohol, and we when we both tire of our roles as rescuer and victim, we take turns as persecutor. I had gotten fed up dealing with her drunken lack of a personality, and lashed out as the persecutor: criticized her. Then I switched into victim role when she wouldn't return my calls, saying stuff like "But i need you, how can you not call me back??" It's a game, with all three roles shifting to maintain this one unhealthy relationship.......
We learned that in a class I'm taking and dammit, it makes sense. Now that I know, how to I go on? Well no more calling, even when it gets really hard. I just have to stop, and second, realize that she needs space, she is REALLY a very sensitive person even though I demonize her as a drunk. This space will probably do us both good.
Now just to hold on to what I know when I get lonely and its late.......
Yet the crazy part is that simultaneously, I've realized in her absence from my life for the past week, that we are in a very unhealthy "rescue triangle" of victim, rescuer, and persecutor.
I am the rescuer, full of knowledge on how she can get better, she is the victim, sad inside so bad that she has to drown it in alcohol, and we when we both tire of our roles as rescuer and victim, we take turns as persecutor. I had gotten fed up dealing with her drunken lack of a personality, and lashed out as the persecutor: criticized her. Then I switched into victim role when she wouldn't return my calls, saying stuff like "But i need you, how can you not call me back??" It's a game, with all three roles shifting to maintain this one unhealthy relationship.......
We learned that in a class I'm taking and dammit, it makes sense. Now that I know, how to I go on? Well no more calling, even when it gets really hard. I just have to stop, and second, realize that she needs space, she is REALLY a very sensitive person even though I demonize her as a drunk. This space will probably do us both good.
Now just to hold on to what I know when I get lonely and its late.......
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 24
What class?? - I think I need to take it too. Not sure how to go on. I'm trying to figure that one out for myself. One day at a time, I guess. One foot in front of the other. Unplug the phone. I changed my AH's name in my cell to read "DO NOT ANSWER"...wish I could do that for the phone at home too.
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